Friends before sex

['lil rose]

Okay so I kindda have this problem and I was wondering if anyone else has had it and if they did, how did (do?) they deal with it.

I have problems sleeping with guys who 'want to be friends first' I know that this sounds weird and that I should be all for it but I have found that after they are friends that I don't want to sleep with them anymore. It's not that they are any less atractive or that I don't like their personality it's just that when I get to know them I don't want to hurt them becouse well..... I know me once I get what I want I don't want it anymore and then things become aqword (I know my spelling here is not right but you get the idea)
I am much better at sleeping with someone and THEN being friends with them. This is easier for me becouse I don't know them and the "fear" of hurting them is less.
Has anyone else had this problem and if so how did you deal with it please help I have found this realy great guy and he wants to do the "friend" thing first but I don't know how to deal with this.
Thank you

 

[Cakegirl]

Hi there 'lil Rose,

I have had your problem in the past... I had no problem 'jumping to the chase' with someone, but if it was someone I knew as a buddy who then started to show an interest in me, I was grossed out...

I really don't know what changed it, but it has definitely changed now... Actually, it might have been on particular relationship where I was friends with a guy for months and then one night we were both drunk and our secret feelings for each other managed to find a way out on the dancefloor... ;P

Anyway, I guess I'd say go for it - be friends with this guy and see what happens, but on the other side, that's no excuse to discard him once you've got him!

 

[Guest]

Hi lil' rose!

I can absolutely relate (well, in the past anyway) but I have recently met someone that I emailed with from off the net for about a month then we got together. The first night we kissed, the 2nd night he was hard to resist. We ended up at a hotel and I got a little freaky, LOL! But, time has gone by, and we're still together, and the feelings just become stronger each and every time.

I don't know if I had any 'real' fears about hurting men. It's more about hurting myself. (now, anyway) Maybe failing them (ouch, I said it) But I completely understand.

Go with what you feel. Whatever your heart tells you, sweetie. Good luck!

 

[LadyJeanne]

Okay so I kindda have this problem and I was wondering if anyone else has had it and if they did, how did (do?) they deal with it.

I have problems sleeping with guys who 'want to be friends first' I know that this sounds weird and that I should be all for it but I have found that after they are friends that I don't want to sleep with them anymore. It's not that they are any less atractive or that I don't like their personality it's just that when I get to know them I don't want to hurt them becouse well..... I know me once I get what I want I don't want it anymore and then things become aqword (I know my spelling here is not right but you get the idea)
I am much better at sleeping with someone and THEN being friends with them. This is easier for me becouse I don't know them and the "fear" of hurting them is less.
Has anyone else had this problem and if so how did you deal with it please help I have found this realy great guy and he wants to do the "friend" thing first but I don't know how to deal with this.
Thank you

Just to make sure I understand what you're saying:

You're afraid of hurting a friend because after getting what you want (sex), you typically don't want him anymore. But with guys who aren't friends first, you don't have this fear of hurting them if you don't want them anymore after sex because they aren't friends.

To me, this sounds like you have a thing about intimacy. I say this because it sounds very familiar to me. Sex is sex and doesn't have to feel intimate to be fun. With a friend, it's not just sex and you might feel uncomfortable giving more of yourself than just your body. If that's the case, I think you'll probably get beyond your fears with someone who really matters to you and when you're ready for an intimate relationship.

But I could be totally off base, so ignore me if that's the case.

I've had the best sex of my life with men who were friends first, so I highly recommend it! Friends really CARE about you, so they're totally motivated to give you pleasure.

 

[ReadyOne]

I've had good success with anticipated friendship, sex, then friends, then more sex.

That may be because if I sleep with someone then I want to have a bond with them as well. I have to be able to trust them. I'm not talking marriage here, just an emotional connection that says you care for each other enough to not hurt each other and to want good things to happen to each other.

I believe that sex can be a natural extension of friendship and that you can support emotional bonds with many people, some bonds very deep. Would you want to go though life having just one good friend -- the person you (would) marry?

To me, almost everyone believes that you hook up with "the one", get all you needs met by "the one" and the two of you live happily and self sufficiently every after. Unfortunately, "the one" almost never meets your needs. Psychology shows people almost always deliberately pick for "the one" a person who not only can't meet their needs, but also fuels the fire that creates their needs.

It seems obvious that getting one's needs met is going to take several different people in one's life. When one finds them, some will be good close friends that you will emotionally bond with.

So when you define "cheating" as "emotionally bonding with another not your spouse", you're spurning deep friendships and seeking to suffer a lot of pain and suffering from unmet needs which you could avoid.

I have no problem with recreational sex, and if that's all I seek/get then I can understand the "once I get what I want I don't want it anymore" situation. But I don't see having to make a choice between friends and sex. I think you can have both, and I've made it work several times in my life.

 

[OneSublimeGuy]

I have found this realy great guy and he wants to do the "friend" thing first but I don't know how to deal with this

From your post I'd say bang him first. If he really is a great guy
then he won't disrespect you or disappear just 'cause you had
sex early on.

OTOH nobody is payin' me for my opinion so take that into
consideration.

 

[Little Bird]

I'm exactly the opposite: I would never consider having sex with anyone, if it is not just for a short fun, who I don't know very intimately.

Yes, maybe that's the cause why there was still only one where others would lost count if they had to keep track by fingers, and that one even never got this far, but that's totaly okay for me.

But if you think "fuck first and let's see what will happen" and it's okay for you:
DO IT!