Forced to switch?

[GrayCricket20]

I read a thread in the BDSM library about this that seemed moderately useful, although the author of the thread was in a profoundly different situation than I am in. I apologize if this has already been thoroughly discussed, but aside from the aforementioned thread I haven't seen another that's applicable or really terribly useful.

I am in a long-term relationship with a man my age. We have a rather dull sex-life. He is rarely interested in sex, and when he is, it is--aside from a little hair-pulling and back-scratching--very standard. We used to experiment a little with S&M, but were very unsuccessful because we are both as submissive as it is possible to be. He is terrible at being dominant, whereas I can pull off a pretty good performance, but am not really aroused by it. I am very unhappy with my sex life at the moment because of this situation. Is there anything that can be done, short of looking around outside the relationship?

 

[Netzach]

what if you talked it over with your partner and looked for a dominant for both of you?

Some dominants would be thrilled at having a pair of slaves who already knew each other well and worked well together and who they could even play off each other a bit.

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

what if you talked it over with your partner and looked for a dominant for both of you?

Some dominants would be thrilled at having a pair of slaves who already knew each other well and worked well together and who they could even play off each other a bit.

I second that. Getting a submissive couple, as opposed to looking for a male and a female separately, would be considered a lucky break by many dominants.

 

[bluntforcemama]

I am in a long-term relationship with a man my age. We have a rather dull sex-life. He is rarely interested in sex, and when he is, it is--aside from a little hair-pulling and back-scratching--very standard. We used to experiment a little with S&M, but were very unsuccessful because we are both as submissive as it is possible to be. He is terrible at being dominant, whereas I can pull off a pretty good performance, but am not really aroused by it. I am very unhappy with my sex life at the moment because of this situation. Is there anything that can be done, short of looking around outside the relationship?

I feel for you. I'm freeing myself from a situation a lot like yours. I'm very sorry to say that I tried very hard to make it work, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. We tried for years to make it, but I'm mostly submissive, and so is he, thus the love that we made was forced and we soon became resentful of the other. We were better in a best friend relationship, rather than a lover or D/s relationship. I would say take a trip to the doctor, and maybe on to a counselor. We tired several things, but in our case, the romance just wasn't there. Good luck you, and feel free to PM me if you need support from a like-minded individual.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Have to agree with Netzach....perhaps consider seeking a Dominant or Dominant couple who are looking to train a sub couple. They are out there, and it can be an ideal situation all round for a number of reasons. Good luck.

Catalina

 

[GrayCricket20]

I appreciate everyone's advice. Am I to believe that there's not really much that can be done without bringing another person/couple into the situation? I'm afraid that's not an option, because--while my boyfriend and I being slaves to an older man is one of my favorite fantasies--he would never allow himself to become sexually involved with a man and, while I'm definitely interested in women, my fantasies about women rarely involve S&M/bondage; it's all very typical vanilla crap.

Can a long-term, long-lasting relationship (five years) withstand one partner pursuing a strictly sexual relationship with another partner? Or am I being naive? This option--finding a dominant male with which I can have no-strings-attached encounters--is most appealing, at this point, but I'm unwilling to do it if I feel it will put my relationship in jeopardy.

 

[Netzach]

I appreciate everyone's advice. Am I to believe that there's not really much that can be done without bringing another person/couple into the situation? I'm afraid that's not an option, because--while my boyfriend and I being slaves to an older man is one of my favorite fantasies--he would never allow himself to become sexually involved with a man and, while I'm definitely interested in women, my fantasies about women rarely involve S&M/bondage; it's all very typical vanilla crap.

Can a long-term, long-lasting relationship (five years) withstand one partner pursuing a strictly sexual relationship with another partner? Or am I being naive? This option--finding a dominant male with which I can have no-strings-attached encounters--is most appealing, at this point, but I'm unwilling to do it if I feel it will put my relationship in jeopardy.

I'd say the Dom couple idea might well be best, the Domme for him the Dom for you?

If not, as to part B -- yes a sexual relationship of sustenance and duration can be found outside a primary relationship, contrary to the morality play that most people will now unfold on you IMX.

What I don't dig about your situation, is that it's really pretty impossible, in my experience for the D/s dynamic to exist in that kind of arrangement.

You're going to feel needy, raw, vulnerable after a scene. Can you stay the extra hours when you said you'd be home at 5?

The very nature of D/s is antithetical to "no strings attached."

If you're looking for a bit of roughness with your hot extramarital sex and that's it though, sure stranger things have happened. I have no idea as to how to go about having an extramarital affair from that end, though.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I appreciate everyone's advice. Am I to believe that there's not really much that can be done without bringing another person/couple into the situation? I'm afraid that's not an option, because--while my boyfriend and I being slaves to an older man is one of my favorite fantasies--he would never allow himself to become sexually involved with a man and, while I'm definitely interested in women, my fantasies about women rarely involve S&M/bondage; it's all very typical vanilla crap.

Can a long-term, long-lasting relationship (five years) withstand one partner pursuing a strictly sexual relationship with another partner? Or am I being naive? This option--finding a dominant male with which I can have no-strings-attached encounters--is most appealing, at this point, but I'm unwilling to do it if I feel it will put my relationship in jeopardy.

There are ways to manage the Dominant couple/sub couple scenario without having to have sex with another if that is an issue. Granted it needs at least one creative mind, but the D/s can be incorporated into scenes just as effectively while restricting full on sexual interaction to remain between the relevant couples themselves, not swapping or interchanging. This set up need not detract at all from the dynamics and effects, and can be even more effective at times if handled cleverly, and the suitable mindset employed.

Catalina