For Your Reading Consideration: Lie Berries.

[MichelleLovesTo]

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=226988

This is one of my favorite stories that I've ever written. I think there is a complexity to the characters and I also think the sex aint half bad!! People seem to hate the main character and yet empathize with him, just a little. (It's a somewhat dark story of revenge.)

I'm thinking it's getting buried here because I labeled it Mind Control, and maybe people are making assumptions. I think I'll avoid that category from now on. Still learning.

Anyhow, if anyone gets a chance, I would appreciate hearing back on this one. Thank you in advance.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Michelle,

For me, this story was amusing rather than arousing. I'm not sure if this was the intention or not. The Danielle Steele bit was particularly funny. It did drag a bit near the end, but that's probably because the explicit scenes did not interest me.

Like others, I did find the narrator loathsome. He gets not one ounce sympathy from me. Because of this, I can't say I was ever involved on the story to the point where the tale would move me beyond a good snicker, but I still admire the manner in which you revealed so much about him just by the way in which he speaks.

There were a few points that left me a little confused.

I was never sure what I was meant to excuse Alyssa for in the opening sentence.

During the infidelity scene, I'm at a loss to understand how the narrator remains undetected. If he can see her eyes well enough to tell they're dead, then how does she not notice him? Also, hard to imagine he could enter, watch so long, and leave, yet still not be heard at all.

A little later, when Alyssa asks to be hypnotized, I'm afraid I rolled my eyes. Even in a mind control (the correct category, I think) story, I believe some foreshadowing was in order for such a convenient plot device.

All that said, you've created an interesting, if despicable, character and that's worth an easy five.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[kbate]

Your narrator is a scumbag.

I do not like Alyssa very much either.

I do like the story, but the convenient hypnosis mechanism was a little annoying.

The only portion I did not like in the writing is the use of parenthetical descriptions early in the story, I felt they were unnecessary or could have been simply added without parenthesis.
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But criticisms aside it is an excellent story and quite well written.

Well done.

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

Hi Michelle,

For me, this story was amusing rather than arousing. I'm not sure if this was the intention or not. The Danielle Steele bit was particularly funny. It did drag a bit near the end, but that's probably because the explicit scenes did not interest me.

Like others, I did find the narrator loathsome. He gets not one ounce sympathy from me. Because of this, I can't say I was ever involved on the story to the point where the tale would move me beyond a good snicker, but I still admire the manner in which you revealed so much about him just by the way in which he speaks.

There were a few points that left me a little confused.

I was never sure what I was meant to excuse Alyssa for in the opening sentence.

During the infidelity scene, I'm at a loss to understand how the narrator remains undetected. If he can see her eyes well enough to tell they're dead, then how does she not notice him? Also, hard to imagine he could enter, watch so long, and leave, yet still not be heard at all.

A little later, when Alyssa asks to be hypnotized, I'm afraid I rolled my eyes. Even in a mind control (the correct category, I think) story, I believe some foreshadowing was in order for such a convenient plot device.

All that said, you've created an interesting, if despicable, character and that's worth an easy five.

Take Care,
Penny

Thank you, Penny. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

Well, Jeff is not supposed to be likable really -- I've had a few people say that they sympathize with him up until a point. And then he kills that.

He watches from the hall and sees her reflection in the toaster.

I suppose for the mainstream I could have foreshadowed the hypno more, but people on a Mind Control Forum -- where it's from -- have already bought into the convention. For me was the point that she trusted him that much, to be completely vulnerable, and until the recently she could have trusted him.

Again, thank you so much.

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

Your narrator is a scumbag.

I do not like Alyssa very much either.

I do like the story, but the convenient hypnosis mechanism was a little annoying.

The only portion I did not like in the writing is the use of parenthetical descriptions early in the story, I felt they were unnecessary or could have been simply added without parenthesis.
-------

But criticisms aside it is an excellent story and quite well written.

Well done.

Thank you. I suppose I do have sympathy for Alyssa, simply because of the over-the-top punishment. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.