flash backs

[the captians wench]

I have had a couple of...episodes now that I just can't explain, so thought I would share here and see if any one else has had something simular happen.

Anyone who has followed my posts (or cares to look up some old threads) knows that earlier this year i got involved with some one who was less than great for me, and the event that was the final closer to our relationship was not a very healthy situation.

Well as I have been recovering from that, and building on new and pre existing relationships, I have had a few things come up. What worries me most is this feeling I get some times when I have been put into a particularly emotionally taxing event.

I have abandonment issues, this is something I have known for a few years, and I have been working on. This particular playmate, kind of fed off of that a bit. He used my fear of him leaving me, of me being abandond, against me. He used it as a way to get me to do things I probably wouldn't have otherwise, and to keep me in a situation that I wasn't completely happy with. He also made sure, in the end days, that he kept himself emotionally distanced from me. I had to earn his love, and it never felt like I really had it, even in the smallest fraction. I remember myself many times saying "I'm just a slave" and believing that that ment that I had no value to him, which was probably true.

The issue now comes up in other situations. The first time it happened was a scene with Jounar. Now Jounar and I have played online, and been involved for more than 2 years. I have never once felt a distance between us, it has always been like he was right there in the room with me. But this time, I just crashed. I wasn't any where near my pain limit, but one strike that sent a sharp pain and I was in tears and I couldn't stop crying. I felt alone, scared, cold, abandond. I wraped up in my blankets and curled up on the bed and he talked to me way into the early morning. I remember then thinking that this felt like when the last guy beat me to my limit and left me to pick myself back up.

The thing is, Jounar didn't leave, and I knew he wouldn't. He's never just run off, he's always stayed with me until I was back to my full self.

This happened in a totally vanilla situation also this week. Sunday my mom took me from work to the hospital because I couldn't breath, that left my van at work and I was suposed to be back tuesday. I waited all day monday for her to come pick me up, I knew she wouldn't be there until after 4, but then she told me that she had to stop by my grandma's, so I was thinking 5 or 6. All day long I fought the feeling of being helpless, I was feeling pretty weak still, and not having a car so that I could at least go pick up food if I wanted just left me feeling completely alone and issolated. When she finally called at 7:30, which is when I'm usually getting ready for bed, I completely lost it. I broke into tears and could not stop crying. I felt lost, alone, abandond, scared, and I didn't know what to do.

With the help of dear friends, I did calm down, but the experience has me wondering if I might be having some sort of emotional flash back when these things come up. A friend and I talked about that posibility when it happened with Jounar, that maybe the physical distance between us brought up the emotional distance that the last guy left me with.

any one have any idea what I'm talking about?

 

[dolf]

yes. but nothing i want to go into here.

get some counselling. it helps.

it's normal for things to trigger memories and suddenly you find yourself back in that moment. actually, it's the smart thing to do...when something makes you feel like you might be in danger, your brain gois into auto-panic to try to get you out of danger.

takes time to get over stuff.

 

[unfoundiamond]

warning signals

Call it a flashback or a warning signal, our bodies are made to send us signals, I believe your emotions are sending you the signal to stop, get some help, and release the emotional pain and fear you are carrying that is beggining to spill over into your daily life as "anxiety" or panic...

Looking back on the times in my life I have felt like this I needed to drop everything and get myself some physical and emotional pampering and TLC, maybe you should seek that in some capsity... go to a spa, a therapist, or get a massage...
*I don't want to only suggest one thing, people are diffrent and unwind diffrently
I remember I used to be deathly afraid of being abandoned... I have still never lived alone. The more I learn about myself, my strengths and what I like, the more I love myself. This newly found love for self has caused me to feel more free and less afraid of abandonment.

Maybe some self discovery and faith in your ability to protect yourself would leave you stronger in your daily life and less reliant on anyone else not to adandon you... you should think it is their loss and you deserve someone who is worthy of the gift you seek to give. Since what you are giving is priceless and like a jewel, with many facets, you should know you are diffrent and your submission is diffrent, someone out there will be a much more fulfilling match for you, a "healthy"-er match. *everyone tells us this and we don't always see it is true,

Please know I only hope to share the things that have helped me, so maybe you may benefit from the advice... I hope you find peace, surround yourself with love... I send my love **Hugs and Kisses**

 

[reignophelia]

Hey Baby,

I pretty much ditto what Dolf says.

I have PTSD, and one therapist told me that we experience traumatic things everyday. Sometimes however, the traumatic event is just too much for your brain to process, and you need outside help to work it out of your system.

Nothing wrong with counselling. I'd highly recommend it.

 

[dolf]

Nothing wrong with counselling. I'd highly recommend it.

with the right counselor, obviously.

the wrong one could do more harm than good, so don't go assuming they know best just because the sign on their office says so.

mine was really hot. it helped.

 

[reignophelia]

with the right counselor, obviously.

the wrong one could do more harm than good, so don't go assuming they know best just because the sign on their office says so.

mine was really hot. it helped.

This is true. I've also had my fair share of bad counselors. If and when you're ready to go down that road, make sure to go with someone who feels right for you. Gut instinct goes a long way.

Dolf, did you just say that your counselor was hot and it helped?

Oh, Wenchie, when I said they should "feel right for you", I meant in a very nonsexual way. Just thought I'd make that clear.

 

[graceanne]

*hugs* I've also had similar issues. I do not feel like talking about it in public, but if you want to talk go ahead and PM me. I can tell you that I fear abandonment probably more than anything, and that includes heights and abuse.

 

[dolf]

This is true. I've also had my fair share of bad counselors. If and when you're ready to go down that road, make sure to go with someone who feels right for you. Gut instinct goes a long way.

Dolf, did you just say that your counselor was hot and it helped?

Oh, Wenchie, when I said they should "feel right for you", I meant in a very nonsexual way. Just thought I'd make that clear.

might as well enjoy the scenery as you suffer.
her legs are what made it bearable.

 

[the captians wench]

I've really come a long way in the past 2 years, and I really am pretty self reliant. I haven't had much trouble until here reciently, in the weeks after the incident with the asshole.

He really fucked with my head good, and I think it's just going to take some time to get back to where I was before that. Most of the time I'm fine, it's just extream emotional stress that trips me off.

just need some time I think, but it kind of helps to know others know what I am going thru.

 

[Marquis]

I have had a couple of...episodes now that I just can't explain, so thought I would share here and see if any one else has had something simular happen.

Anyone who has followed my posts (or cares to look up some old threads) knows that earlier this year i got involved with some one who was less than great for me, and the event that was the final closer to our relationship was not a very healthy situation.

Well as I have been recovering from that, and building on new and pre existing relationships, I have had a few things come up. What worries me most is this feeling I get some times when I have been put into a particularly emotionally taxing event.

I have abandonment issues, this is something I have known for a few years, and I have been working on. This particular playmate, kind of fed off of that a bit. He used my fear of him leaving me, of me being abandond, against me. He used it as a way to get me to do things I probably wouldn't have otherwise, and to keep me in a situation that I wasn't completely happy with. He also made sure, in the end days, that he kept himself emotionally distanced from me. I had to earn his love, and it never felt like I really had it, even in the smallest fraction. I remember myself many times saying "I'm just a slave" and believing that that ment that I had no value to him, which was probably true.

The issue now comes up in other situations. The first time it happened was a scene with Jounar. Now Jounar and I have played online, and been involved for more than 2 years. I have never once felt a distance between us, it has always been like he was right there in the room with me. But this time, I just crashed. I wasn't any where near my pain limit, but one strike that sent a sharp pain and I was in tears and I couldn't stop crying. I felt alone, scared, cold, abandond. I wraped up in my blankets and curled up on the bed and he talked to me way into the early morning. I remember then thinking that this felt like when the last guy beat me to my limit and left me to pick myself back up.

The thing is, Jounar didn't leave, and I knew he wouldn't. He's never just run off, he's always stayed with me until I was back to my full self.

This happened in a totally vanilla situation also this week. Sunday my mom took me from work to the hospital because I couldn't breath, that left my van at work and I was suposed to be back tuesday. I waited all day monday for her to come pick me up, I knew she wouldn't be there until after 4, but then she told me that she had to stop by my grandma's, so I was thinking 5 or 6. All day long I fought the feeling of being helpless, I was feeling pretty weak still, and not having a car so that I could at least go pick up food if I wanted just left me feeling completely alone and issolated. When she finally called at 7:30, which is when I'm usually getting ready for bed, I completely lost it. I broke into tears and could not stop crying. I felt lost, alone, abandond, scared, and I didn't know what to do.

With the help of dear friends, I did calm down, but the experience has me wondering if I might be having some sort of emotional flash back when these things come up. A friend and I talked about that posibility when it happened with Jounar, that maybe the physical distance between us brought up the emotional distance that the last guy left me with.

any one have any idea what I'm talking about?

Hey Wench.

First off, I want to say that I do read or at least glance at a lot of threads that I don't respond to. I see a lot of threads where people are asking for opinions on issues and specific situations they've been through and roll my eyes because the vast majority seem to be so intent on engineering a specific answer. There is no real "questioning" there.

I feel really different about your post and I thank you for sharing this with us.

I'm not an expert by any means, but the first question I ask myself when I'm going through extreme emotions is how much sticking power does this feeling have? I go through periods where I feel intensely needy and others where I desire solitude and isolation just as much. But I allow myself to feel that way every once in a while because it is at a manageable level and doesn't hinder me in any truly permanent or significant way.

Do you feel like this is something you can deal with? Something you can fairly expect the people around you to deal with?

 

[myinnerslut]

oh sweetie, i am so sorry.

as much as i abhore therapy right now, for my own reasons, i would say that talking with someone might help.

*hugs*

 

[the captians wench]

Hey Wench.

First off, I want to say that I do read or at least glance at a lot of threads that I don't respond to. I see a lot of threads where people are asking for opinions on issues and specific situations they've been through and roll my eyes because the vast majority seem to be so intent on engineering a specific answer. There is no real "questioning" there.

I feel really different about your post and I thank you for sharing this with us.

I'm not an expert by any means, but the first question I ask myself when I'm going through extreme emotions is how much sticking power does this feeling have? I go through periods where I feel intensely needy and others where I desire solitude and isolation just as much. But I allow myself to feel that way every once in a while because it is at a manageable level and doesn't hinder me in any truly permanent or significant way.

Do you feel like this is something you can deal with? Something you can fairly expect the people around you to deal with?

Thank you, and you're right I wasn't looking for any particular answer.

When it first happened, my first thought was "omg I'm going nuts!", but it has now happened on varying levels, so I think over all this is a short term thing, and something the people I'm involved with are willing to help me thru. And while I may not enjoy these emotional fits, I am also willing to work thru them.

They don't really hinder my everyday life. In the every day example I used, I was very sick and feeling yucky, half asleep when she called, and she was 3 hours later than I had expected her.

 

[Puman]

I shall not go into too much detail here, but I used to suffer from physical and psychological flashbacks, where my body and mind believed I was still in a particular situation.
Counselling/therapy was the only way it got sorted out... I sifted through about 5 therapists before I found one that clicked. The road was lousy, but the destination was well worth it...
I wish you the best.