First Submission Feedback

[Killswitch]

Hi Gang,
I have already sent this to Laurel, and hopefully it will be accepted. I dont see why not.
But I thought I would run it by all of you here and see what you think.
I have no training, formal or otherwise (it may show), and I have'nt read a book in 20 years.
The poems I write are simple, and rhyme. Which would seem to be a fading genre.
I would just like to know what everyone or anyone thinks about it.
Thanks!

Killswitch......


“ Modern Day Princess “

Medieval times
We loved back then
Passion crimes
My knee will bend

Over my knee
You know what is meant
Through lusts open door
You’re mind will be sent

Humbled with love
And trained with grace
I’ll release the dove
That’s with in you’re space

You cry out in pain
Lust full tears fall
I will not refrain
I’ll always stand tall

Knights of the old
I was once one
For me you call out
For you I will come

I want to come home
You’re knees on the floor
With style you’ll perform
My medieval whore

On my white horse
To you I will ride
I’ll stay true the course
In me you’ll abide

You know this is fate
We’ll be one by fall
And from you’re front gate
You’re true prince will call

I’ll be in control
But yours is the power
And when you’re bell tolls
I’ll climb up the tower

I’ll go to the whip
You’ll feel my firm hand
You’re senses will trip
And know wonderland

My maiden my flower
It’s now, it’s the hour
Control is part time
Submission is power

 

[WickedEve]

HI Nice poem. I corrected some typos. You may want to submit an edited version later.

Modern Day Princess

Medieval times
We loved back then
Passion crimes
My knee will bend

I wouldn't use "knee" twice this close together.

Over my knee
You know what is meant
Through lusts (lust's)open door
You’re (your) mind will be sent

Humbled with love
And trained with grace
I’ll release the dove
That’s with in (within) you’re (your) space

You cry out in pain
Lust full (lustful) tears fall
I will not refrain
I’ll always stand tall

Knights of the old
I was once one
For me you call out
For you I will come

I want to come home
You’re (your) knees on the floor
With style you’ll perform
My medieval whore

On my white horse
To you I will ride
I’ll stay true the course
In me you’ll abide

You know this is fate
We’ll be one by fall
And from you’re (your) front gate
You’re (your) true prince will call

I’ll be in control
But yours is the power
And when you’re (your) bell tolls
I’ll climb up the tower

I’ll go to the whip
You’ll feel my firm hand
You’re (your) senses will trip
And know wonderland

My maiden my flower
It’s now, it’s the hour
Control is part time
Submission is power

 

[Killswitch]

Wicked Eve,
I trully want to thank you for reading, liking, and correcting my poem. I like to think I can use the language, but when it comes to putting things in the right places, and grammar, I need work. I do use a spell checker, but thats a trap when you dont know basic grammar, or spelling application. You are simply at the mercy of the checker.
I also wondered about using the word "knee" so closely together. I didnt quite like doing it, and will look to change it in the future.
However, the poem was posted tonite, and whats done is done for now. I will do some revisions and send the corrected version to Laurel.
Thank you again..........I do appreciate you even taking the time to look at it let alone give good advice.



Killswitch

 

[WickedEve]

Maybe you can replace the first knee with leg.
Many times you miss your own typos, but they're usually easier for someone else to spot.

 

[Killswitch]

Thanks for your input, help and encouragement Eve and A.D.
I am going to change the "Knee" word and make corrections and resubmit to Laurel.
I dunno why. Maybe its because I am a musician and have written some songs. Maybe its because I dont know any better, or maybe that I am not formally or basically trained in Poetry.

It could be that I like a certain type of poetry.....The poems that rhyme.

Mine all rhyme, and it seems almost frowned upon by more "into it" poets.

My mother was a poet and calligrapher....Her stuff all rhymed.

I know the "blue moon in june" thing seems simple minded to some, but I like the flow, the rhythmic flow and tempo build up of a poem that rhymes.

I know there are those out there like me too. It just doesnt seem that you find them too often in poetry circles.

Done properly, I think rhyming poems are great. Some of the rap artists, Eminem specifically, rhyme thier butts off and with a new tempo.

I dont know. Maybe as I get into it a little more I will develope some of the other types of writting genre's, but I would hate to think that there are good poets out there affraid to post or publish great poems they have written just because they rhyme once in a while.

I suppose I could always write greeting cards!

 

[WickedEve]

I like rhyme. Many poets here write sonnets and those rhyme, of course. I like to write terzanelles and those also rhyme. I think what turns some poets off are the poems that have forced rhyme and no rhythm, and poems that are suppose to be serious or erotic that have an abundance of very simplistic or clichéd rhymes. But rhyme can work if done properly. Read some of Judo's poetry for good rhyming poems.

 

[WickedEve]

Jeez, AD, it wasn't aimed at anyone's poetry. I'm stating a simple fact. Many of us that have been here for a while have read many rhyming poems that aren't very good.
It's amusing that you thought my comments were for you, demonic one. But hey, this post is aimed at you, so enjoy.