First submission experience...advice? Please?

[Netzach]

I never decided that I "had to do" anything. He just had a way of explaining things that made it seem like it was something that I wanted.





And I would just like to say that I realize now I was being an idiot. Definitely not disputing that.

Everyone does that, there's nothing wrong with that - the question is, are you a repeater and how do you not be?

 

[IrisAlthea]

You do not increase your safety by extending the virtual relationship to a point where you are completely illusional about the other person - you reduce your safety!

A safety net is staying in public. And maybe a friend you take with you. Or pepper spray. Or high heels. Or whatever. But for sure not months of cyber sex.

This should be in a sticky about safety.

Anyone who talks about deep feelings or commitment within days, whether it´s online or in person, would make me run away really fast.

 

[JMohegan]

I'm Dominant. I'm queer. I don't get to blame everything on my freak flag - why do submissives get to? There are times when a person says "yes officer" or "I'd be happy to help you" there are times when you wear a sleeve over your labrys and "sister power" tattoo - no matter if you're king of the universe in your mind - the idea that you CANNOT be held to any standards of behavior because of your sexual orientation is horseshit. Sorry, it just is. Boundaries can be very hard work - I know because I had to work at mine. Deal.

I like danger and brutality - it doesn't mean I get to abduct men on the way home from work and put them in my trunk and tie them to my radiator at the loft without taming the situation with negotiation and consent.

Sorry, the fact that something makes you hot and happy doesn't release you from the burden of the shit with which we cope as functional adults.

If I met a girl on tuesday who tapped me on the shoulder and told me to start masturbating then and there in the starbucks line on wednesday and I decided I HAD TO DO IT I would seriously consider professional help.

Being submissive isn't kooked, being completely unwilling to take responsibility for life and safety is. You need to develop some boundaries or sort VERY carefully through people for someone paternalistic enough to really buffer your existence in the strictest M/s. Which is not a one week affair. One cannot have it both ways.

Seriously the double standards are amazing - if a newb Dom came around talking about how he spit on a waitress because he can't help it he's just wired that way sooooo much we'd be collectively berating him to no end.

*standing O*

That's a hat trick, right there.

 

[SimonBrooke]

I've always thought of myself as a submissive. I've always thought I was into BDSM. I've read a lot about it but, I've never had any real experience.

On Tuesday, I began talking to this Dom over the internet. After only a few hours of talking he "made" me tell him that I loved him. The next day we're discussing me leaving my college, my friends, my family, everything I've ever known and moving in with him. At first I was wary but he eventually convinced me. This would happen next fall. The next few days I was great. Doing things he told me to. I had a great time doing them.

Seriously, lassie, pay attention to what everyone is telling you here. The world is full of soi-disant doms, and most of them are not nice people at all. Don't have your first BDSM experience with someone you met online. Go to your local munch or club, and hang out a bit with the other subs; get their advice on who is safe to play with and who isn't.

An older, more experienced, dominant may be a good thing for your first experience - but get references from other people he's played with first. Anyone worth playing with has exes who remember him with at least some affection or respect; if none of his exes do, avoid!

I do know what I'm talking about here: I'm one of the people you probably shouldn't play with. But then, I'm not looking for an ingenue.

 

[screaminforyou]

I thought I was being safe.
I met him on Alt.com, where they have this "confirm id" thing where they cross check information on his passport with whats on his profile apparently.
He was more than willing to let me talk to his past and his other current subs.
I even talked to the one he lived with on the phone for a bit but it was casual conversation.

I thought that was enough to be safe.

 

[MisterSir]

You thought wrong, to be blunt. And you can blame it on your submission if you want, but if you were seriously considering uprooting yourself to start a new life with a man you have never met in person before and only been in contact with for a week, you have other problems. Gullibility, for one. Although you're in luck, latest edition of Webster's no longer contains that.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I thought I was being safe.
I met him on Alt.com, where they have this "confirm id" thing where they cross check information on his passport with whats on his profile apparently.
He was more than willing to let me talk to his past and his other current subs.
I even talked to the one he lived with on the phone for a bit but it was casual conversation.

I thought that was enough to be safe.

OK, now I get the feeling you may have come here to get a rise out of people for your own amusement, or attention, because you initially made it appear as if you had only had online contact with this person with very little knowledge of them otherwise, even when people were concerned and mentioned safety issues...and now you post this little tidbit. If you really are in college and of the usual age to be so, my advice is grow up a little before bothering with any type relationship.

Catalina

 

[screaminforyou]

OK, now I get the feeling you may have come here to get a rise out of people for your own amusement, or attention, because you initially made it appear as if you had only had online contact with this person with very little knowledge of them otherwise, even when people were concerned and mentioned safety issues...and now you post this little tidbit. If you really are in college and of the usual age to be so, my advice is grow up a little before bothering with any type relationship.

Catalina

I think what's happened here is I didn't explain myself as well as I should have in my first post. I wasn't concerned with my safety and never said I was in my first post. I didn't become scared until I started reading everyone's else's concerns. So for not explaining myself correctly I do apologize.

I have only talked to him online and on the phone. I talked to his sub for two minutes once about the weather!


My reason for posting in the first place was to figure out if there was normal to have such extreme doubts after first dabbling in BDSM. If you'll go look at the first post my last line was:

So what I need to know is, could he be right; am I just having a normal sub freak out? Or is it possible that after years of fantasizing about it, I'm really not into the BDSM lifestyle?

 

[Primalex]

OK, now I get the feeling you may have come here to get a rise out of people for your own amusement, or attention, because you initially made it appear as if you had only had online contact with this person with very little knowledge of them otherwise, even when people were concerned and mentioned safety issues...and now you post this little tidbit.

I don't quite see what has changed. A verified profile and a sub on the phone does not change the fact that his behaviour is even for us at least creepy.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't quite see what has changed. A verified profile and a sub on the phone does not change the fact that his behaviour is even for us at least creepy.

True, but I become sceptical when details creep out bit by bit each time something is mentioned, which then when looked back on, do present a different story than initially presented...or perhaps to be more exact, has a different appearance to the first posting even if some of the details remain the same. Sort of like trying to return a dress to the store and claiming it didn't fit you, nor was it a colour you liked, as it was bought for you by someone else but then when questioned actually reveal you did try it on in the store before you bought it, you did ask for that particular colour to the point of getting it rushed in from another store, just you decided you couldn't afford it. Details can make the difference.

Catalina

 

[Primalex]

Go to your local munch or club, and hang out a bit with the other subs; get their advice on who is safe to play with and who isn't.

Let's face it, a lot of munches contain a similar amount of creepy guys. Not sure about the TNG munches though. I guess it's the same, they just appear less creepy as they are younger. Syd?

 

[Primalex]

Having said that : don’t think you know me because you read one post.

I don't think I'll change my opinion, but feel free to become my sex toy and give it a try. I promise, I will publicly admit that I was wrong about you, if you manage to change my mind.

 

[Netzach]

Let's face it, a lot of munches contain a similar amount of creepy guys. Not sure about the TNG munches though. I guess it's the same, they just appear less creepy as they are younger. Syd?

YES. And if you can't say "no" on the internet with the buffer of text it's going to be 10000 times harder to say "no" in person and with peer pressure to play and all kinds of group dynamics in play.

 

[00Syd]

Let's face it, a lot of munches contain a similar amount of creepy guys. Not sure about the TNG munches though. I guess it's the same, they just appear less creepy as they are younger. Syd?

There are creepy dudes at every age, but I do find that TNG aged folks are less tolerant of it, and more, er, forceful in their criticisms of creepy dudes.

 

[VelvetSin]

You thought wrong, to be blunt. And you can blame it on your submission if you want, but if you were seriously considering uprooting yourself to start a new life with a man you have never met in person before and only been in contact with for a week, you have other problems. Gullibility, for one. Although you're in luck, latest edition of Webster's no longer contains that.

Please don't blame it on submission. Please? While being new to this particular can 'o worms can make personal boundaries a bit fuzzy until you really get your feet wet (in my experience, and the more I find others to talk with, I think it's somewhat common), I think it's a fairly natural reaction for even the most docile, submissive person to laugh uproariously and then hang up the phone if someone insisted that a cross-country move and uprooting of an entire life was a condition of submission within a week of communicating. It's on the extreme end of the sane-wacko line, even with the chat about weather with another live-in submissive tossed into the info pool. I mean, he didn't even buy you dinner first.

You can blame it on wanting something too much, though. That's where I'd put my personal vote. There's nothing wrong with that. Many people make poor decisions or let themselves be talked into something not entirely founded in common sense just because they want something so much that common sense is ignored. Chalk it up to a life lesson and see if you can find a local group to work with. There are wackos in every locale, but like Primalex, Stella, and many others mentioned, poke a sane-seeming regular for some help navigating.

 

[Etoile]

My reason for posting in the first place was to figure out if there was normal to have such extreme doubts after first dabbling in BDSM. If you'll go look at the first post my last line was:

So what I need to know is, could he be right; am I just having a normal sub freak out? Or is it possible that after years of fantasizing about it, I'm really not into the BDSM lifestyle?

Apples and oranges. Whether or not such extreme doubts are "normal" depends what you're doubting. If you're doubting a HNG who is totally over the top with his demands, yes it's normal.

To answer your question: No, you're not "just having a normal freak-out." You're reacting appropriately to something that is moving too fast - that is, your subconscious instincts are picking up that something is wrong. That is normal, and healthy. What he was trying to do, though, was convince you that what HE was doing was appropriate and that you could trust him despite your apprehensions. As you've seen from the comments here, your reactions are 100% appropriate and he was being absolutely batshit insane.

No, it's not possible that you're not into BDSM. If you fantasize about it, and get off on it, you're into it. You just need to find somebody who's not going to cut you open and put you in a 55-gallon drum.

 

[A_MusedChick]

Quick reply.

Are you willing to die for this person? Is that an acceptable risk to you?

It is not reasonable to speak of love, and uprooting your life in 7 weeks much less 7 days.

I don't mean to appear black and white on this issue, but as you are exploring, any Dom(me) with His/Her leather would be helping you learn and decide whether or not this is a lifestyle for you ... at your own pace.

This is someone I would walk away from, and quickly. Find someone else to play & learn about BSDM with, be patient and find someone your brain (and your body) both like.

 

[Texas_Rose]

I am also very new to BDSM. I dont even have a Dom yet but I did A LOT of reading before I even considered giving it at try.

One of the keys is trust. You have to trust someone before you give them that kind of power. It should take a long time for that kind of trust to build. It helps you set boundaries that you both agree will not be crossed and is an effective means of keeping you safe. And if you've only known him a few days and he's already abusing that trust then you need to run far, far away.

This guy sounds like Ted Bundy's twin brother. Block his email. Block his number.

You're a smart girl. That's why you came here. Dont fall for his tricks.

 

[scraggles]

RUN...run..run...like a pair of cheap panty hose... LOL...and keep running from this creepy ass...I too have been manipulated, to a scary extent...because of my need to serve and new to the lifestyle... and JUST now BREAKING my head out of all the sea of lies...that I was fed..and I too felt STUPID and Like an idioit...Im a college educated Profesional woman....and allowed it to happen...I now know its because I was vulnerable by being new...to my submissive cravings...
Sir Winston... is always so insightful...and love reading his posts...take his wisdom to heart and embrace your submissive side....READ.,.,.Research...and LISTEN to the great advice here on the boards ...most of it...is sincere , intelligent, and insightful... TAKE time to explore...before Finding the Right DOM for you...Im still LOOKING too...each Dom experience provides me wonderful knowledge...some negative and positive...and KNOW my right "Dom"is out there too...and not naive enough to say the Perfect Dom...we all have flaws..... I'm enjoying...exploring...and learning...

 

[Fran26]

Submission and limits

I am a sub to a Mistress, She took time to explore my limits at first including allowing me safe words.
There are of course hard limits they include scat, anything that burn or pierce , Insertion of objects bigger that a well hung man would be and gang bangs.
Aside from that she is the absolute Mistress , I will please her friends males and females for her pleasure
Fran26

 

[NomadLady]

I think what's happened here is I didn't explain myself as well as I should have in my first post. I wasn't concerned with my safety and never said I was in my first post. I didn't become scared until I started reading everyone's else's concerns. So for not explaining myself correctly I do apologize.

I have only talked to him online and on the phone. I talked to his sub for two minutes once about the weather!


My reason for posting in the first place was to figure out if there was normal to have such extreme doubts after first dabbling in BDSM. If you'll go look at the first post my last line was:

So what I need to know is, could he be right; am I just having a normal sub freak out? Or is it possible that after years of fantasizing about it, I'm really not into the BDSM lifestyle?

I would watch out for "dabbling" with anyone you don't know about issues involving sex....I think you should research BDSM before even thinking about reaching out for a Dom again.

 

[Cop4u_69]

I think what's happened here is I didn't explain myself as well as I should have in my first post. I wasn't concerned with my safety and never said I was in my first post. I didn't become scared until I started reading everyone's else's concerns. So for not explaining myself correctly I do apologize.

I have only talked to him online and on the phone. I talked to his sub for two minutes once about the weather!


My reason for posting in the first place was to figure out if there was normal to have such extreme doubts after first dabbling in BDSM. If you'll go look at the first post my last line was:

So what I need to know is, could he be right; am I just having a normal sub freak out? Or is it possible that after years of fantasizing about it, I'm really not into the BDSM lifestyle?

Well anyone that would request those things in such a short time is not a true Dominate. You ask if he could be right, well the answer is No he is not right at all. He maybe able to give you his silver forked tongue but in the end all thats going to happen with him is a terrible and life disturbing experience for you. You may not be into BDSM as you have thought you were but with a guy like him you will never be sure as to what your real desires are.

Take your time and never rush into anything.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well anyone that would request those things in such a short time is not a true Dominate. You ask if he could be right, well the answer is No he is not right at all. He maybe able to give you his silver forked tongue but in the end all thats going to happen with him is a terrible and life disturbing experience for you. You may not be into BDSM as you have thought you were but with a guy like him you will never be sure as to what your real desires are.

Take your time and never rush into anything.

"Dominant" is the word. Nobody is a "true dominate." You might as well be a "true eat."

 

[where]

"Dominant" is the word. Nobody is a "true dominate." You might as well be a "true eat."

maybe when they are saying 'Dominate' as a noun they are contracting from 'dominator'.

 

[Mistress_Sheli]

I've always thought of myself as a submissive. I've always thought I was into BDSM. I've read a lot about it but, I've never had any real experience.

On Tuesday, I began talking to this Dom over the internet. After only a few hours of talking he "made" me tell him that I loved him. The next day we're discussing me leaving my college, my friends, my family, everything I've ever known and moving in with him. At first I was wary but he eventually convinced me. This would happen next fall. The next few days I was great. Doing things he told me to. I had a great time doing them.

Yesterday I had a panic attack while thinking about the situation. Submission (even virtual) didn't feel like I thought it would. When I think about it I still like it but it's not the same actually doing it. I told him about the panic attack and that I didn't want to do any of it any more. I sent him an email ending it and apologizing for wasting his time. After reading it he called me and convinced me that this happens to a lot of subs and that it was simply because I was experiencing new things for the first time. He has a way of explaining things that makes you think differently about them. I felt much better after that but as soon as I we hung up the doubts returned.

We were talking about one of my hard limits. I mean something I would never do because I think it's disgusting, wrong, and I don't think it's okay for anyone to do. in a matter of minutes he completely changed my mind. But now that I'm not talking to him, I'm back to my original thought.

However, I still feel the need to pleas him. I do want to make him happy but...i dunno

So what I need to know is, could he be right; am I just having a normal sub freak out? Or is it possible that after years of fantasizing about it, I'm really not into the BDSM lifestyle?

Sweetie, that is not a Dom you are talking to. That is a weirdo. Run like the devil is chasing you...because he is.

That has nothing to do with whether or not you are a sub. Being a sub does not mean you have to do exactly what someone claiming to be a dom tells you or you are not a sub... I flounder here because I cannot describe being a sub. I am not a sub. But there are many wonderful subs on here who can describe it for you. The situation you describe with this man is NOT IT and it does not make you any less sub.

Bottom line: do not let this man manipulate you into believing that you are not sub if you do not drop everything and follow him. He sounds more like the anti-christ than a Dom to me. Indeed--quit college? For a person you've never even met??? I think not!