first story--please let me know what you think

[megdarlin]

I had my first story post a few days ago and I've only gotten one comment via e-mail . I'd love more feedback, positive and negative. I really love to write but this is my first actual (erotic) story I've written.
Here's the link http://www.literotica.com/s/hot-shower-6
Thanks!
-Meg

 

[sr71plt]

If you enjoyed writing it, that's the main reward. It's really too short and too average in theme and content to expect much in the way of a comment--or to be asking for comment IMO. The descriptive writing is fine--and it's just that, a description of an aroused mono shower scene. But there are thousands of the same short, one-scene entries here, saying pretty much the same thing. Nothing special except for the way it made you feel in writing it. It has the average grammar and punctuation problems too. By Lit. inflated voting standards, I think it's rating at the right level too. It's good enough to keep writing and posting stories here. The more you write the more you'll break out of the box of the "same old" and start writing something unique.

 

[PennLady]

As sr71 said, if you enjoyed writing it, that's what counts.

It's less a story than a scene, but nothing wrong with that. I would say that your sentence structure was pretty repetitive "She did this," "She did that," "She did this..." In your second graph, all seven sentences start like that.

 

[lovecraft68]

As for the remarks of it being a scene rather than a story. I don't know many who masturbate to a full story.

Think about it, when you lay back and self pleasure do you go through a damn plot bunny or do you just envision a sexual act?

Considering the category I am fine with it being just a description of what she was getting off too.

I agree with PL about the repetition of "she, she she," But that will improve with more writing and confidence.

Another suggestion would be to try something like this in first person. "I grabbed his cock etc..." thinking of it like it was you might free up some different language for you.

In general I did like it and you made for an easy visual of what was going on. As for the lengthy and arrogant comment by Pilot understand something, many very good authors started here so ignore the remarks of "inflated voting" and same standard fair and the "good enough for literotica" overtones.

You're doing fine and will certainly get better as you go.

 

[sr71plt]

As for the remarks of it being a scene rather than a story. I don't know many who masturbate to a full story.

I don't know what that has to do with this being only one descriptive scene and not providing any story plot (there's a hint of one in this one, but nothing is developed from it). A story usually is made up of separate scenes that contribute to the development of a story plot. You could have a story with only one scene, of course, but in order for it to be a story there would need to be dilemma, tension, and change/resolution.

So, I don't get your point.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You reminded me of something I read the other day: Raymond Chandler said, WRITE A SCENE THATS NEVER BEEN WRITTEN BEFORE. Its excellent advice.

I spend a large chunk of my days reading and watching vids, I'm always scouting for what I've never read or seen before. And its out there tho you gotta mill lotsa grist to get it. I then decorate my tales with these gems. Its how I write scenes never written before.

I found an incest vid today. Its billed as REAL AMATEUR INCEST. All incest is billed as real amateur incest but what I saw is the real deal. Its the real deal for a few simple reasons: mom and son look alike, the resemblence is close...theyre not amazons and gladiators...theyre rather slim and unremarkable, same color hair etc; the sex is beyond choreograph, its habit, what they did they do a lot together. Etc. Thats real incest. It isnt sexy, its habituated, like cooking supper at home. They got their routine down pat. Is it interesting and arousing? No. But its new.

Write your scenes in a new way.

 

[sr71plt]

Then maybe you'll like my Earth Day contest story when it comes up. Or have you read an erotica story before on uranium strip mining?

 

[lks2bite]

I liked it

I liked your story...it had a good theme and was written well.

I also agree with some that you said "she did..." too much. When you write, you have to pretend that you are the main character and explain, slowly and in detail what is going on...instead of saying, "She bent over and picked up the large latex dildo." explain how she bent over (slowly, quickly, with anticipation, etc., and the dildo? what does it look like? how does it feel in her hand? And change up your pronouns...substitute other pronouns for she and he.

I write also and I am not saying that I am any good at it but I know that, when I am writing turns me on, that it's good. I put myself in the place of the heroine of the story. If I can't feel anything as I write then I know that whoever is reading the story isn't going to feel the excitement either.

And don't let anyone tell you that the story isn't good, because it is...it is outstanding...In fact, I am sending the link to my bf right now!!!

 

[RuzieD]

Meg, I agree with Sr7. If you enjoyed writing, that's that its own reward.

Is this a story? No it is more of a scene. Is a good thing? Yes it is.

Here are some things that I thought of as I read this. It is all very visual, external, and do be a bit honest objective sounding. Basically, I do not have any sense at all what the character is feeling. It felt as if a read a court report.

I personally feel like that part of what makes a good erotic scene is what happens physically coupled with what the character feels emotionally.

I say, keep writing! There's a great a story that could surround a scene like this. Once we know this "she" (who she is, what's her age, what does she look like, why is she masturbating in the shower? etc); we the readers can get emotionally engaged in it.

 

[BonnevilleFlats]

It is a good start. Like others have said, it is a scene not a story. But that is how we learn to write, start with something simple like a scene and go from there. The important thing is that you are writing and you are not bashful about sharing your work. It will get better.

 

[JonB1969]

I had my first story post a few days ago and I've only gotten one comment via e-mail . I'd love more feedback, positive and negative. I really love to write but this is my first actual (erotic) story I've written.
Here's the link http://www.literotica.com/s/hot-shower-6
Thanks!
-Meg

Hi, Meg -

First of all welcome to Literotica.

Second of all, writing erotica is not as easy as some people will make it out to be. Trust me, my first couple of stories on here were not as hot as I first thought they were LOL.

All that to say is that writing erotica is just like writing in general - you learn what works, specifically what works for you, and what doesn't work. More importantly you loosen up over time, so your writing does, too.

Also I would say you're starting off right, which is to say, starting off small. Not even a short story, just one scene. That's smart. Start small, work your way up. Then you can tackle longer stories as you go.

Having said that, I would say you need to have a thesaurus with you at all times. There is an excellent online resource I would highly recommend, thesaurus.com.

Your descriptions were rather dry and clinical, and I agree with other posters who mentioned you do tend to repeat words. Trust me I have to watch for that constantly in my own writing.

The only thing to help with this is just to write. Keep writing. Read all sorts of stories on Literotica. Also I would say to watch a porn video or two, from sweet and romantic to hot and sexy to downright torrid, to get a sense of scale.

So keep on writing and don't let criticism get you down.

Namaste.

 

[kbate]

I got zero from it. No feeling at all in the writing.

"He had requested she. . ." is the theme of the story, but you in no way expound on or develop on any feelings she derives from acting out this demand or request, or any pleasure other than the pleasure of the act in itself.

The writing is filled with redundancies which interrupt the flow of the tale and at times made me think about stopping and clicking 'back'.

 

[afternightpersonality]

A nice, naughty start.

Hi, Meg! As a Literotica "virgin" myself, I wanted to be sure you got some feedback that might impact your writing and aid you in the future. I read your story, and I have to tell you that there is an advantage to descriptive writing in the third person - most of the time (not always), it puts the person reading the scene in a standby point of view. This means, if the person reading the scene is a "watcher", and that's what gets him (just using the masculine here to avoid repeating him/her, because we know some women are watchers, as well) off, he's going to enjoy it more than others.
There are others, such as myself, who like to be put into the action of the story. For instance, in reading your story, I was imagining myself in the scenario. Writing in first person (using "I" and "me", etc.) will appeal to a different audience, as well. You just have to decide who you are trying to please. I generally am only aiming to please myself with my writing, and if others like it, all the better. So, decide who you are going to try to please, and write from that point of view. I think you are probably already doing this, but just wanted to give you that feedback.
Also, though I was well able to imagine myself in your story, the descriptive words could use some work. If you are not a vocab lover like some of us, even using a thesaurus properly (make sure the word actually means the same thing) could aid you in your writing. Not everyone knows 10 words for a pussy or dildo, etc., but there are a lot of useful adjectives out there that will give some variety to the reader and help the story flow more smoothly.
The argument about whether or not this is a story or a scene is actually moot (That's just IMO, so no one get offended, please.) I'm just saying that there are many chaptered stories on this site that are not as appealing as a well written, highly descriptive, 5 paragraph scene. And I agree that some people don't get off on reading an epic tale, as some of these stories come close to being.
All in all, I liked the story idea. And what I really enjoyed the most is the idea that there is a very obvious allusion to a background story involving a submissive and her dom. I, for one, would love to hear what happened before she got there, and what she is very obviously looking forward to happening the next time she sees him. And the anticipation of knowing is what would make me favorite and come back to you as a writer, so bravo for not throwing it all into one long story that is an unrealistic description of how he and she have sex, she goes to take a shower where she masturbates, and then she gets out of the shower and they have sex again. Lol. I hate those kind.
So, to finish up this epic tale of a comment (lol), I'll say, good first try, work on your descriptive writing, get a thesaurus, maybe make use of the volunteer editors on here, keep writing to whatever audience you are comfortable with, and I look forward to the rest of what you have locked up inside your naughty head.

 

[JoeDreamer]

Charecter Development

First, write because it's fun and don't worry about the ratings and comments you're getting (I know, that's easier said then done).

After that I'd have to say the most important part of a story is drawing your reader in. You can do that with one scene. Hell, if you're talented enough you can do it with one sentence. Me, I'm not that talented. My stories tend to be on the longish side and I focus on character development. I want my readers to understand my protagonist and why they do what they do. That helps them connect with the story.

Hope this helps,

JD

 

[Hot_Sister]

Good First Attempt But A Long Way To Go

Why people write on Literotica is always a good question. Certainly it's not for the money! It's not for the fame, either, although there are a few names that constantly appear in people's favourite authors lists that suggest they are the cream of the crop. Nobody does it just for themselves - they wouldn't be a need to publish it if that were true, and nobody would give a Tinker's Cuss about feedback.

I'd say that folk write because they have words in their souls to share, and crafting a story is a rewarding experience - especially if you get good comments back. I'd also say that writing is all about learning from what you've done and making the next story better...I look back on my first offering with some chagrin and wish I could remove it, but then again, its a constant reminder of how much I've moved on, I guess.

So, write because its fun, but do worry about the ratings. Sure there's a lunatic fringe and you can safely ignore them, but I've found that most people have something useful to say about your work (even if its negative) and if you listen, you can learn.

Most of the comments here have picked up on the technical side of your work - preoccupation with the word 'she', limited vocabulary, terribly short sentences and so on. You can fix those. Flex your muscles now and try something bigger. Introduce more people (or get her to think about what other people do to her); try first person. Switch from first to third person; try new themes and new ideas.

Really, the world is your oyster. Just remember...every story you do has to be better than the last.

 

[xPhantomKissX]

Meg,

I think it's a great start and there are many good comments here.

First attempts at erotica are often very step, by step recall of something you did or a fantasy that is playing out in your head.

What makes it a "story" is what happens between the step by step.

1) Observations of the surroundings.

2) Adding visual descriptions that touch the other senses.

3) Adding emotional meat to the event.

4) Build a Character!

3rd person is very difficult for a start. As a 3rd person author you have to step back even further from the event to create an entire painting.

From 3rd person it might help to picture yourself as a camera in a movie that also has the power of narration.

What your story mostly lacked was character development. Who was she? Where was the shower? In a house? A gym? Why was she last? The kids went to school?

"She" is a character and she needs a name.

Example (for your first paragraph):


This morning was very much like every morning in the Smith house. By the time the tornado of husband and children had blown out the door, Megan could finally take her shower. She always showered last -- that's what mothers do.

What a mother doesn't normally do, is step into her bathroom with a fluffy towel, a dildo and the instructions on how it should be used by her online master.


......


That's the "meat" that is missing. Build a character we can love, hate or sympathize with. The connection is important to the actions.

 

[TheTemptresss]

Everyone's a critic. What most of these people aren't is published authors. I rest my case.

 

[sr71plt]

Not sure what your case is. The OP asked for a critique.