First story, Feedback request

[diepunyhuman]

Hi, Everyone.

After years of reading stories on Literotica and writing a few of my own, I decided to take the plunge and let people outside an unbelievably select circle read them. My first published work is here:

https://literotica.com/s/paying-it-off

And I would love to get some feedback on it, if you have the time and inclination.

Thanks in advance!

 

[Emotional]

Welcome into the fold.

 

[FelHarper]

That was a hot story. I enjoyed the back-and-forth of the dialogue. Some witty bits that made me smile.

I thought that you could have done better with your opening. Starting a story with dialogue is somewhat frowned upon, but if you do it, you want to make sure that it catches the reader’s attention. Make it surprising. Make me want to find out more. Maybe a direct reference to the “snowed in at college” event. Whet my appetite.

Going to the opposite extreme, I felt like the ending was a bit rushed. There was a lot of build-up throughout, but then the DP was there and gone in less than three paragraphs. I would spend more time there getting to know the characters. Get into the viewpoint character’s head some more. We know the girl is smoking hot and loves to be dominated, but there’s too much telling and not enough showing. I would like to read her feedback on what’s happening to her (but not a long stream of dialogue exposition about what they are doing to her *shudder*).

Good editing here, I didn’t spot many outright grammatical or spelling errors, so I’ll nitpick.

"I don't think you need any help, honey." Jana said as she walked into the room "I know I'm a lot to keep up with, but you're doing a great job.

Missing a comma.

big cocked

Needs a hyphen.

On the TV, Stacy held her there,

Just a few lines up, you had “Stacey held her there”. The repetition is a bit jarring, though this kind of thing makes it into commercially-published fiction all the time. I typically have to read over my own story about three times to catch these.

There was at least one place where the dialogue was left hanging and could have used a descriptive anchor:

"That was a couple of weekends ago. Jana and Stacy like to film us fucking."

"I truly hate to see you being exploited like this."

"Yeah, I'm sure you would be happy to relieve me of my burden...”

I wasn’t sure who was talking to whom at first. I didn’t realize that the narrator was joking until I re-read it. A cue like a smile or laugh would have helped.

Overall a great first entry.

 

[diepunyhuman]

That was a hot story. I enjoyed the back-and-forth of the dialogue. Some witty bits that made me smile.

I thought that you could have done better with your opening. Starting a story with dialogue is somewhat frowned upon, but if you do it, you want to make sure that it catches the reader’s attention. Make it surprising. Make me want to find out more. Maybe a direct reference to the “snowed in at college” event. Whet my appetite.

Going to the opposite extreme, I felt like the ending was a bit rushed. There was a lot of build-up throughout, but then the DP was there and gone in less than three paragraphs. I would spend more time there getting to know the characters. Get into the viewpoint character’s head some more. We know the girl is smoking hot and loves to be dominated, but there’s too much telling and not enough showing. I would like to read her feedback on what’s happening to her (but not a long stream of dialogue exposition about what they are doing to her *shudder*).

Good editing here, I didn’t spot many outright grammatical or spelling errors, so I’ll nitpick.



Missing a comma.




Needs a hyphen.



Just a few lines up, you had “Stacey held her there”. The repetition is a bit jarring, though this kind of thing makes it into commercially-published fiction all the time. I typically have to read over my own story about three times to catch these.

There was at least one place where the dialogue was left hanging and could have used a descriptive anchor:



I wasn’t sure who was talking to whom at first. I didn’t realize that the narrator was joking until I re-read it. A cue like a smile or laugh would have helped.

Overall a great first entry.

Thanks so much for the feedback, FelHarper! I'm working on limiting the repetition in future entries. You're right that they can be difficult to catch. I'm planning a few changes to POV in later chapters so the reader can get more of each character's thoughts and feelings about the overall scenario. Thanks for the tip on opening with dialog - it makes sense to start with a banger line of dialog or not to start with dialog at all. Thanks again for taking the time to read it and let me know your thoughts!

 

[Rob_Royale]

Hey I enjoyed it! Very well done. Looking forward to more.