First Story

[Shannon_Parker]

I hope this ok to post here. I was hoping to get some interactive feedback especially if it is negative so that I may ask clarifying questions. My story is named "The Birthday Party" The first thing I know I did wrong was choosing that name. While there is a party in the story it really has nothing really to do with the erotica part other than her being out of town for it. For the short info I could have also been more descriptive. These are literotica things I can work on. The other thing that pops out of me is I didn't do as good of job describing the motel and the room. Thanks for the feedback.

 

[AlinaX]

How can you make a lasagna without thinking? Lasagna requires shopping and cooking and more cooking and still more cooking. Lasagna is on the level of:
“What did you do on Saturday?”
“Oh, I made lasagna.”

ETA: Well written in a drifting way that reminds me of literary fiction, which for me was compelling on a story level rather than erotic, so that I didn’t want to read the sex but would have liked to see the homecoming.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I hope this ok to post here. I was hoping to get some interactive feedback especially if it is negative so that I may ask clarifying questions. My story is named "The Birthday Party" The first thing I know I did wrong was choosing that name. While there is a party in the story it really has nothing really to do with the erotica part other than her being out of town for it. For the short info I could have also been more descriptive. These are literotica things I can work on. The other thing that pops out of me is I didn't do as good of job describing the motel and the room. Thanks for the feedback.

You don't need to describe the motel and the room, because the story isn't a publicity brochure or a travelogue. It's a wonderfully gentle tale of intimacy, bravery, desire.

Keep writing like this and you'll get yourself a following, there's no doubt about that.

 

[Kaboom000]

Great story. I gave 5 stars. Nothing to fix, no problem with the title or hotel description. I guess to be constructive I could say male readers might prefer a bit more description of how she looked. Not more than an additional phrase here or there, maybe a full sentence at the “payoff” scene. Men appreciate visuals, even if it’s just descriptive. At 59 myself, I understand keeping the focus on the dress but hey this is fiction and embelishment is fair game! Again, I didn’t think there was any problem. Just a tip for improvement. Great story overall. And thanks for posting your first story question. I’ve been thinking of submitting my first story soon, too.

 

[Shannon_Parker]

Great story. I gave 5 stars. Nothing to fix, no problem with the title or hotel description. I guess to be constructive I could say male readers might prefer a bit more description of how she looked. Not more than an additional phrase here or there, maybe a full sentence at the “payoff” scene. Men appreciate visuals, even if it’s just descriptive. At 59 myself, I understand keeping the focus on the dress but hey this is fiction and embelishment is fair game! Again, I didn’t think there was any problem. Just a tip for improvement. Great story overall. And thanks for posting your first story question. I’ve been thinking of submitting my first story soon, too.

Some of my first stories were very explicit. Honestly after reading similar stories here. I shifted my style. I may pull some of them back up and submit them. I need to determine if I publish them as is or clean them up.

 

[Kaboom000]

Some of my first stories were very explicit. Honestly after reading similar stories here. I shifted my style. I may pull some of them back up and submit them. I need to determine if I publish them as is or clean them up.

Some of my favorites authors here are ladies. I think they write the most erotic explicit stuff, which I never realized until I joined this site. But then my main kink is (consentual) taboo/incest which tends to be more explicit.

 

[annabellebrito]

You don't need to describe the motel and the room, because the story isn't a publicity brochure or a travelogue. It's a wonderfully gentle tale of intimacy, bravery, desire.

Keep writing like this and you'll get yourself a following, there's no doubt about that.

You described the motel enough, I remember the neon electric light coming through window from the bar. The small town motel manager's accent.. . It told me enough. But girl, I do think you could have hinted at the sound of the bed squeking as Amy and Travis were having sex.

 

[annabellebrito]

You don't need to describe the motel and the room, because the story isn't a publicity brochure or a travelogue. It's a wonderfully gentle tale of intimacy, bravery, desire.

Keep writing like this and you'll get yourself a following, there's no doubt about that.

You described the motel enough, I remember the neon electric light coming through window from the bar. The small town motel manager's accent.. . It told me enough. But girl, I do think you could have hinted at the sound of the bed squeking as Amy and Travis were having

I hope this ok to post here. I was hoping to get some interactive feedback especially if it is negative so that I may ask clarifying questions. My story is named "The Birthday Party" The first thing I know I did wrong was choosing that name. While there is a party in the story it really has nothing really to do with the erotica part other than her being out of town for it. For the short info I could have also been more descriptive. These are literotica things I can work on. The other thing that pops out of me is I didn't do as good of job describing the motel and the room. Thanks for the feedback.

I do think the story name could have been something more in line with Amy's journey to intimacy or her being given permission to feel like a woman again by her husband. The story is well done. I loved the journey as Amy begins to notice men on her trip. That was well done. I really liked that. I do think there should have been some kind of scene of intimacy or nude scene at least non sexual at the start. To help establish that this is a personal deep journey involving people about to step out of their comfort zone. I gave you a good review on the story page. You have some wonderful written scenes, the climax (pun intended) was well written (I'm not afraid to say I masturbated reading it) as I could still not believe Amy had gone through with it. I do think the repetitive "she did" "she saw" "she noticed" she she.. started to get a bit overdone ... A bit. I gave it a pass because the story felt quiet in a meditative vibe. I saw a few comments stating that John should find out what happened, but I think the story is fine where it ended. It was a bit weird she talked to her brother on the phone after what turned out to be a one night stand (I don't even want to call it that). Maybe I need to read it again as I think you were using the brother as a reference point for her at this stage in her life. I know there is a metaphor in there somewhere or I have seen to many dramas movies. There is a lot more I can write, but I would need a bigger page. I love the story though and I'm actually happy for Amy. Congratulations you made me care deeply about your character. Signs of great writing.

 

[Shannon_Parker]

You described the motel enough, I remember the neon electric light coming through window from the bar. The small town motel manager's accent.. . It told me enough. But girl, I do think you could have hinted at the sound of the bed squeking as Amy and Travis were having

I do think the story name could have been something more in line with Amy's journey to intimacy or her being given permission to feel like a woman again by her husband. The story is well done. I loved the journey as Amy begins to notice men on her trip. That was well done. I really liked that. I do think there should have been some kind of scene of intimacy or nude scene at least non sexual at the start. To help establish that this is a personal deep journey involving people about to step out of their comfort zone. I gave you a good review on the story page. You have some wonderful written scenes, the climax (pun intended) was well written (I'm not afraid to say I masturbated reading it) as I could still not believe Amy had gone through with it. I do think the repetitive "she did" "she saw" "she noticed" she she.. started to get a bit overdone ... A bit. I gave it a pass because the story felt quiet in a meditative vibe. I saw a few comments stating that John should find out what happened, but I think the story is fine where it ended. It was a bit weird she talked to her brother on the phone after what turned out to be a one night stand (I don't even want to call it that). Maybe I need to read it again as I think you were using the brother as a reference point for her at this stage in her life. I know there is a metaphor in there somewhere or I have seen to many dramas movies. There is a lot more I can write, but I would need a bigger page. I love the story though and I'm actually happy for Amy. Congratulations you made me care deeply about your character. Signs of great writing.

Thank you so much. I read your comments on the story, and I am glad that I got more clarification with the "she did" "she saw" "she noticed" she she. That helps me a lot and I will watch for that.

I have one pending named "The Office". Watch for it and let me know what you think. It is really differnt.

 

[annabellebrito]

Thank you so much. I read your comments on the story, and I am glad that I got more clarification with the "she did" "she saw" "she noticed" she she. That helps me a lot and I will watch for that.

I have one pending named "The Office". Watch for it and let me know what you think. It is really differnt.

I have added you to the list of authors to follow, so I will be on the look out. Look forward to it. Thank you again for sharing your lovely story for us. It was very good. It made me blush, surprised, hot, think, forget about life and think about time. Much love.

 

[annabellebrito]

I hope this ok to post here. I was hoping to get some interactive feedback especially if it is negative so that I may ask clarifying questions. My story is named "The Birthday Party" The first thing I know I did wrong was choosing that name. While there is a party in the story it really has nothing really to do with the erotica part other than her being out of town for it. For the short info I could have also been more descriptive. These are literotica things I can work on. The other thing that pops out of me is I didn't do as good of job describing the motel and the room. Thanks for the feedback.

One last little constructive criticism, you left out a decent description of the dress that was constantly mentioned in the story. For something that was instrumental in her character development it could have been described a bit. But I get it, you left us plenty of room for us to put in our imagination into the story and fill in the spaces. Much love- Annabelle

 

[WCSGarland]

I have no negative feedback. I was thoroughly charmed by the prose. Simple, elegant, understated. I look forward to seeing more from you.