First published story, would appreciate some feedback particularly from women

[Jim_Ross]

Just posted my first story yesterday, it's called "Guilty Rescue".

I'm fairly new to the site so I'm not sure how the ratings and such work, but it seems that initial feedback is good, got several encouraging comments and also few people have favorited the story.

As a guy, I sort of know what buttons to push for the male audience but I'd be curious to get some feedback from a female perspective.

I have a few ideas for additional stories, featuring Jim again and a woman older than him. Is there anything specific I should keep in mind for that?

 

[AG31]

Just posted my first story yesterday, it's called "Guilty Rescue".

I'm fairly new to the site so I'm not sure how the ratings and such work, but it seems that initial feedback is good, got several encouraging comments and also few people have favorited the story.

As a guy, I sort of know what buttons to push for the male audience but I'd be curious to get some feedback from a female perspective.

I have a few ideas for additional stories, featuring Jim again and a woman older than him. Is there anything specific I should keep in mind for that?

As this sort of vanilla story is not my thing, I'll mainly focus on the non-story side of things. These things stood out to me.

1 - You have a nice rhythm. Your sentence length and structure is varied. It's easy to read.

2 - You love your words. Often you use them nicely. Perhaps you could improve things by being more concise here and there. In particular, your first two paragraphs are info dumps. I'm not sure that's always a bad thing, but I did notice it. It took me a little out of the moment. Perhaps embed that info along the way more?

3 - You switch briefly to present tense. That took me out of the moment.

As to your question about female perspective (I'm female), I think you've jumped the gun a little bit. Having her say "You really know how to look after a woman," reveals a sort of laziness on the author's part. I know you said a lot more than that, but nothing that I found particularly evocative. And switching POV midstream is another reveal, "I want to show the female perspective, so I'd better get inside her head," said the author. My advice is to read more good stories that express the female point of view, and when you write, decide up front whose point of view your going to represent. I recommend, in particular, ElectricBlue's (male) most recent publication, totally from the female perspective. For that matter, I imagine the whole of the "Pink Orchid 2024: Story Event for Women-Centric Erotica" would be a rich source of inspiration when it goes public on March 8.

 

[Jim_Ross]

As this sort of vanilla story is not my thing, I'll mainly focus on the non-story side of things. These things stood out to me.

1 - You have a nice rhythm. Your sentence length and structure is varied. It's easy to read.

2 - You love your words. Often you use them nicely. Perhaps you could improve things by being more concise here and there. In particular, your first two paragraphs are info dumps. I'm not sure that's always a bad thing, but I did notice it. It took me a little out of the moment. Perhaps embed that info along the way more?

3 - You switch briefly to present tense. That took me out of the moment.

As to your question about female perspective (I'm female), I think you've jumped the gun a little bit. Having her say "You really know how to look after a woman," reveals a sort of laziness on the author's part. I know you said a lot more than that, but nothing that I found particularly evocative. And switching POV midstream is another reveal, "I want to show the female perspective, so I'd better get inside her head," said the author. My advice is to read more good stories that express the female point of view, and when you write, decide up front whose point of view your going to represent. I recommend, in particular, ElectricBlue's (male) most recent publication, totally from the female perspective. For that matter, I imagine the whole of the "Pink Orchid 2024: Story Event for Women-Centric Erotica" would be a rich source of inspiration when it goes public on March 8.

Thanks for your feedback!

You're right about the first two paragraphs being info dumps. I wanted to setup the characters and take it from there but yeah it'd be better to inject the information as the story unfolds.

I agree that the gun did jump slightly. I didn't want to ramble on too much for my first story but in a few other stories I'm planning I'll experiment with more build up.

Regarding the POV, I take your point. Personally I am drawn to narrations that bring forward both perspectives, but I might do one that focuses on just his or her perspective. I suppose to connect more with a female audience, it'd be better if it was her POV?

Thanks again!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Regarding the POV, I take your point. Personally I am drawn to narrations that bring forward both perspectives, but I might do one that focuses on just his or her perspective. I suppose to connect more with a female audience, it'd be better if it was her POV?

Not necessarily. The point is to have evocative, fully rounded female characters, not cardboard cut-outs, and fully rounded partners, like wise. I'm the writer @AG31 has referred to, and I've written stories from all points of view - male first person, female first person, limited third person (where the narrative sways back and forth between the participants), or omniscient third (where there is a more god like narrator). I've also written unreliable narrators.

Based on comments to stories, I reckon my audience includes a fair percentage of women - possibly because I write men they want to be with, and women they want to be (those that tell me, anyway). I've also had a number of women surprised to discover I'm male. That's always nice to hear.

The thing is, to attract readers of either sex into intimate stories, you need to write fully rounded characters, not stereotypes. To set out "to connect more with a female audience", though, might be a distraction. Write about people, and you get people reading your stories - why does it matter what sex they are?

 

[AG31]

Regarding the POV, I take your point. Personally I am drawn to narrations that bring forward both perspectives, but I might do one that focuses on just his or her perspective. I suppose to connect more with a female audience, it'd be better if it was her POV?

Thanks again!

You can bring forth both perspectives if you're a little more explicit about it. Some asterisks between sections, maybe?

 

[AG31]

possibly because I write men they want to be with,

Ding!
And they want to be with you because you understand and love them, in their wholeness.

 

[Jim_Ross]

Not necessarily. The point is to have evocative, fully rounded female characters, not cardboard cut-outs, and fully rounded partners, like wise. I'm the writer @AG31 has referred to, and I've written stories from all points of view - male first person, female first person, limited third person (where the narrative sways back and forth between the participants), or omniscient third (where there is a more god like narrator). I've also written unreliable narrators.

Based on comments to stories, I reckon my audience includes a fair percentage of women - possibly because I write men they want to be with, and women they want to be (those that tell me, anyway). I've also had a number of women surprised to discover I'm male. That's always nice to hear.

The thing is, to attract readers of either sex into intimate stories, you need to write fully rounded characters, not stereotypes. To set out "to connect more with a female audience", though, might be a distraction. Write about people, and you get people reading your stories - why does it matter what sex they are?

Thanks for your feedback.

I suppose you're right that it's more important to focus on writing fully rounded characters rather than the technicalities of which POV to use and such.

I do have quite a few stories that I've written up with various female partners and as a result there's quite a lot inspiration that I can draw upon in the future. I'll try to get another story out and then take it from there.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Thanks for your feedback!

You're right about the first two paragraphs being info dumps. I wanted to setup the characters and take it from there but yeah it'd be better to inject the information as the story unfolds.

I agree that the gun did jump slightly. I didn't want to ramble on too much for my first story but in a few other stories I'm planning I'll experiment with more build up.

Regarding the POV, I take your point. Personally I am drawn to narrations that bring forward both perspectives, but I might do one that focuses on just his or her perspective. I suppose to connect more with a female audience, it'd be better if it was her POV?

Thanks again!

I have a way to deal with info dumps. Instead of having everything in the beginning paragraphs, you can try to reveal things slowly as you go through the story. It's had to describe, but you can try to connect the details with what's happening in the plot. (Does than make any sense?) Examples are in the story I'm working on now. The university the female main character went to is not mentioned until near the end, as is the town she grew up in. None of those are crucial to know, but it helps a bit to give some insights into her personality. It's told in first person, but it would bog down the text to put them near the beginning.

It won't be out for at least another ten days, but I can point it out to you when it is published.

 

[Jim_Ross]

I have a way to deal with info dumps. Instead of having everything in the beginning paragraphs, you can try to reveal things slowly as you go through the story. It's had to describe, but you can try to connect the details with what's happening in the plot. (Does than make any sense?) Examples are in the story I'm working on now. The university the female main character went to is not mentioned until near the end, as is the town she grew up in. None of those are crucial to know, but it helps a bit to give some insights into her personality. It's told in first person, but it would bog down the text to put them near the beginning.

It won't be out for at least another ten days, but I can point it out to you when it is published.

Thank you! That'd be nice!