finding the right sub

[Law_Less]

lifepartners? are they part of your lifestlye or not

My wife is a wonderful woman who has no desire to be in the lifestyle. She knowsw that it is a part of who I am and is supportive of my having a sub, either on-line or in real life. She knows she has me and wont ever lose me so she allows me to do what I need to feel complete.
How is it for other Dom(mes) out there? and subs as well. is your lifepartner your Dom/sub or is that something you do outside of that relationship?

 

[Law_Less]

I am sure that someone has posted a similar thread before, but I am new here so please cut me some slack. How do you find a submissive on-line or real life. I have posted adds and responded to to adds and have not gotten anywhere. I know that there are munches and clubs. I would like ot hear from others how they found thier subs and what worked and didnt work for them to make the connection. I do not want to play at being a Dom. I want to find someone serious and well suited for me. I take my rolse seriously and want the same. Any help will be greatly appreciated.

Law

p.s. I live in the central ohio area if you have specific info on clubs or meetings.

 

[chris9]

To give you a quick summary: some here met there partner online, some met by chance. I'm not sure there are some who met at a local meeting, but there probably are.
It's never a quick or easy search and find thing, though, so be prepared to talk to many more until you find the one for you.
Good luck

 

[Law_Less]

thank you Chris9 I appreciate that.

 

[chris9]

I'm not sure I've found my lifepartner yet, but I am in a relationship with a non-BDSMer.
Personally I could not imagine having a D/s relationship next to a vanilla one. I believe I'm not capable of investing the necessary amount of feeling, time, *me* into two relationships and I fear one of them would suffer.

 

[shy slave]

Apart from ads, clubs and munches.

I don't know.

I saw your other thread which said your wife has no interest in this way of living.

My advice would be to be honest and open with your wife and anyone you meet.

That way everyone knows where they stand and you have no need to feel you are sneaking around.

I met Andante on alt.com.

Personally I liked that it was a pay site, as it seemed to weed out some of the fakes and idiots (only some though).
That said other people seem to prefer non paying sites such as collarme.

Finding the right person isn't easy, whatever relationship you have in mind, from BDSM, 24/7 D/s or vanilla.

I hope it works out for you and your wife

 

[Law_Less]

to clarify

To clarifyy my wife is completly comfortable with me bing a part of this lifestyle and is happy for me. Our relationship is great, it couldn't be better. I am not looking to replace her at all. It is something I need that she is not able to fullfil. There are things that I can not fullfil that she is looking for and I support her in. Maybe that sounds weird to others but it works rreally well for us.

 

[NemoAlia]

There's also a good personals site at collarme.com -- again, expect to kiss a lot of frogs

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm currently not in a relationship, but when I am, it (the relationship) sneaks into just about every corner of my Life- leaving very little (no) room for Another.

Good luck with your search, and it sounds like you and your wife have a good grasp of the communication necessary to move forward... I'd advise you on how to find someone, but it would probably be best to simply refer you back to the "currently not in a relationship" comment above, as I have no clue how this dating/finding someone stuff works anymore.

 

[SirQittus]

I met my wife/sub/pet online in the Hypnotic Submission chatroom, though it started out as acquaintance and then friendship before it got more serious.

I don't think I could maintain a vanilla relationship and a D/s relationship at the same time, r/t or online.

 

[Law_Less]

thanks

thank you to all of you who have given your input, I appreciate it greatly. It does seem that I am going to have to just wade into the pool and try to find the one for me.

 

[saw_man1]

Don't look for a sub. Look for a person.

 

[CutieMouse]

Don't look for a sub. Look for a person.

You are a rather intelligent man.

 

[Law_Less]

Thank you Mouse.

 

[vanelane]

I don't think it's weird, I think it's healthy. I'm in a similar situation to you where I crave dominance my husband cannot provide. I've had good luck with alt.com but I've been very open and honest about my situation. We're actually going to our first play party this weekend with a Dom I've chatted with a bunch; he's also happily married to a woman who's no longer interested in the lifestyle, so you're not alone.

 

[Etoile]

I am a bit different from others who have posted here. My lifestyle is called polyamory; I have two people that I consider major relationships in my life. Only one of them is my "life partner" but the other relationship is long-term, serious, fluid-bonded, exclusive, and has weathered difficulty without actually breaking up.

One of my relationships is D/s and the other is not really very much so. It wasn't a lack of D/s with my wife that caused me to look for it elsewhere, it was a temporary breakup several years during which I formed a relationship with someone else that has ended up continuing.

Someone recently described polyamory to me in a way that made a lot of sense. If you have multiple children, you love all of them, right? So it is with polyamory...I love both my partners, and my heart has room for them all. Polyamory is not for everyone, but for some it is a source of joy.

 

[shy slave]

Don't look for a sub. Look for a person.

True.

Submarines, whilst interesting to look at, may be boring if your in a long term partnership with one.

Periscope up, periscope down, periscope up, periscope down

*sigh*

It seems there would be little variation on that theme

And a blindfolded submarine just looks stupid.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Minor hijack...Interestingly I was watching a documentary on a remote community in China which is matriarchial and has been for centuries. The women are free to form sexual relationships from early teens, but if any children come of one of those relationships, they do not marry or live together. Instead the man always resides in the house of his mother, the children reside with the woman...if the relationship continues, he may visit her as long as he is back in his mother's house before dawn. If the relationship ends, the children are not disrupted in any way as they continue to live with their mother as they always have, the man continues to live with his mother as he always has. Though men are seen as strong and respected, it is to the mothers honour and respect are bestowed for life, and they who are the backbone of the culture.

The reasoning behind this culture where partners do not live under the one roof is that perfection in love is difficult to find, and certainly impossible for those in their earlier years such as up to 30's and 40's, so by allowing such freedom to have fluidic type relationships, they learn what it is they want in their perfect partner, they grow, and if they are fortunate, before they die they will meet that one soul mate with whom they will share their life, though still unlikely to live in the same house.

Catalina

 

[blue kat]

Sounds like somewhere I'd liked to live, Catalina.

Law_less, I'm polyamorous too, but I'm a Dom. (Yes, I meant Dom, not Domme! Stuff like that happens when you let gender fluid types into the club.) I met amber by chance. I had noticed some rare owls nesting in one of my barns and I called the university to see what I should do. They sent her. She showed up wearing overalls, shit-kicker boots, a flannel shirt and a triskelion necklaces. Eventually we got together. A friend of mine knew bronn from another site, though he lived in a different country than us. I ended up spending several days with him when I visited there. He eventually moved sorta close to me (about an hour away) and he looked me up when I got here.

 

[Law_Less]

Polyamory

I will have to look into this. I am not too familair with it and I have natural tendency to research anything I dont know about to death if it interests me. I will of course have to talk to myloving and beautiful wife. I would never do anything to hurt her. Once agian I thank all of you for the help, I appreciate it greatly and have already made a few friends becaue of that. So please feel free to keep posting and giving your thoughts.

 

[CutieMouse]

I will have to look into this. I am not too familair with it and I have natural tendency to research anything I dont know about to death if it interests me. I will of course have to talk to myloving and beautiful wife. I would never do anything to hurt her. Once agian I thank all of you for the help, I appreciate it greatly and have already made a few friends becaue of that. So please feel free to keep posting and giving your thoughts.

Do a Google seach for Polyamory. I know there used to be a website devoted to it (message boards, personals ads, a published magazine, etc), but I can't remember the URL.

A good book outlining the poly lifestyle is The Ethical Slut, I believe published by Greenery Press. (might be wrong about the publisher)

If you are discussing having a relationship outside of your marriage (BDSM or not), you are discussing being polyamorous- I *strongly* urge the two of you research polyamory together, and talk talk talk about things until you are blue in the face, prior to acting on anything.

Poly relationships can be fabulous, and create a loving environment 99% of the world would be incredibly jealous of... but they can also be a tremendous amount of work, and create quite unexpected issues, in the best of situations.

 

[Etoile]

An excellent link about polyamory: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

One thing that many polyamorists take very seriously is that it is not cheating. People who use polyamory as an excuse to cheat are seriously fucked up. Polyamory means that all parties know about, and have given free consent to, the whole situation. (This sounds like Law_less's case.) If a guy is boning another chick and his wife doesn't know, that's cheating. If she knows but doesn't approve and is unhappy, that's still cheating. It's only polyamory if she knows and explicitly allows it to continue. She doesn't have to approve, but she has to at least have made peace with the situation and not be upset by it. If she is, it's cheating.

One thing that polyamorists really hate is when somebody says "oh I can't help cheating on my spouse, I'm polyamorous and he/she isn't." Polyamory is not about "I can't help it" situations. Just like being bisexual does not give carte blanche for sleeping around as long as it's same-sex because "oh I am bisexual I just have to be with a woman," being polyamorous doesn't mean you can go out and sleep around without your spouse's consent. If you're bisexual and your spouse gives you the go-ahead, then it's okay. Same thing with polyamory - it must be out in the open and discussed, or it's just cheating plain and simple.

But again, it sounds to me like Law_less is in a genuinely polyamorous situation, not a cheating one.

 

[Law_Less]

thanks

Etoile,
thank you very much for you input it is gratly appreciated based on what you have said and the little bit have read so far (more to come) I would say that is exactly what I am looking for. I still need to do more research and see where my feelings take me. But I thank you and all the other for taking the time to help out.
Law

 

[FurryFury]

I have an online D/s relationship. I met him here. It's the longest online relationship I've had so far but still pretty new. I'm hoping this one will last.

I am also happily (15 years) married.

They both know about one another. I don't feel I can't give them both what they need and want. I love them both.

*change of subjects*

Cutie Mouse YOU look adorable in that av!
I could just kiss your toes off!

(So to speak.)

Fury

 

[Netzach]

To clarifyy my wife is completly comfortable with me bing a part of this lifestyle and is happy for me. Our relationship is great, it couldn't be better. I am not looking to replace her at all. It is something I need that she is not able to fullfil. There are things that I can not fullfil that she is looking for and I support her in. Maybe that sounds weird to others but it works rreally well for us.

Ok, don't you think it's a tall order, for most women, to give over huge amounts of personal power, to be a very serious submissive and to still have to put you back where she found you at the end of the night?

I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm saying you are now looking for a very particular, poly situation, and that means this is going to be harder than going out and getting laid. A lot harder.