Finding Focus

Despina

Really Experienced
Joined
Nov 24, 2004
Posts
254
Howdy, pervs. I'm relatively new here. I'm also new to the lifestyle and am having a helluva time getting focused. I've lurked this board & its library for months, reading like a wild-woman and have learned a great deal. Thanks for that.

However, I find that the more I take in the harder it is to catalogue all the information in my brain. Who knew people got off on being diapered? :confused: On top of that, there's S/M, humiliation, servitude, wax, etc... Anyway, I feel most comfortable on the dominant side of D/s, this much I know. (Not that I've spent any time on the submissive side, to be honest, but dominant is natural and submissive feels wonky to me, personally.)

The most commonly occurring questions I have are:

- How organized about my own wants/needs do I need to be before incorporating bdsm into my life?
Consistency from the start? vs. Trial & Error?

- Is the 'flow' of a scene something akin to 'chemistry' in a relationship or is it something that develops over time?

- Do most people plan scenes in the beginning to test-drive new ideas, or is it spontaneously motivated most of the time?

- When the relationship is not 24/7, and you're feeling things out in the beginning, what's a good transition from, "Hey, Honey, how was your day?", when you're in the mood to hear her beg for release? :rolleyes:

- Am I completely over analyzing things because I've had a taste, I WANT MORE, it's not as simple or smooth as you people make it look and I'm having a hard time finding my niche? (It's okay. You can be honest. I'll still be good with a strap-on in the morning. ;) )

Thanks in advance,

~Despina
 
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No matter how you pussyfoot around it, once you jump in, there are going to be complications, disasters and thrills. Best of luck.
 
Despina said:
Howdy, pervs. I'm relatively new here. I'm also new to the lifestyle and am having a helluva time getting focused. I've lurked this board & its library for months, reading like a wild-woman and have learned a great deal. Thanks for that.

However, I find that the more I take in the harder it is to catalogue all the information in my brain. Who knew people got off on being diapered? :confused: On top of that, there's S/M, humiliation, servitude, wax, etc... Anyway, I feel most comfortable on the dominant side of D/s, this much I know. (Not that I've spent any time on the submissive side, to be honest, but dominant is natural and submissive feels wonky to me, personally.)

The most commonly occurring questions I have are:

- How organized about my own wants/needs do I need to be before incorporating bdsm into my life?
Consistency from the start? vs. Trial & Error?

- Is the 'flow' of a scene something akin to 'chemistry' in a relationship or is it something that develops over time?

- Do most people plan scenes in the beginning to test-drive new ideas, or is it spontaneously motivated most of the time?

- When the relationship is not 24/7, and you're feeling things out in the beginning, what's a good transition from, "Hey, Honey, how was your day?", when you're in the mood to hear her beg for release? :rolleyes:

- Am I completely over analyzing things because I've had a taste, I WANT MORE, it's not as simple or smooth as you people make it look and I'm having a hard time finding my niche? (It's okay. You can be honest. I'll still be good with a strap-on in the morning. ;) )

Thanks in advance,

~Despina


Oh these questions are so normal it's not even funny. I still have not figured all this shit out relative to my own relationship -- these are the things that are easier with a casual playmate than they can be at home.

I, personally, DID plan all my scenes as a Top to some degree when I was first starting, and if I'm not feeling totally perfect and in my game, I still plan to a degree. Usually I will arrange a scene around one item or mental image and riff off that, figure out what it means and what I want it to do - there is NOTHING wrong with planning, there is nothing fake or scripted about having a general road map in your head.

I'm not organized about-- anything. I have art-brain not manager-brain. But I will tell you that you will frustrate a bottom if you do not know what you want and stick to the program as much as you can. Decide on your outcome and make it happen, you have that in you.

There is still a gap, even after being a Top for almost 9 years,and living with my boy for 3, between the mundane and the non-mundane world of servitude and play. I have him put on his collar when he is ready to not just be my property, but be treated especially as such. I let that transition come from him, with a simple signal of readiness that doesn't need tons of lengthy talking out.
 
- How organized about my own wants/needs do I need to be before incorporating bdsm into my life?
Consistency from the start? vs. Trial & Error?

Depends on your circumstances. If you have a trusting partner who is willing to share your exploration, then you can just go about things willy nilly and communicate as you go. That was the form that my first serious relationship took. If you don't have a trusting partner, then you need to be more organized when approaching semi-strangers.

- Is the 'flow' of a scene something akin to 'chemistry' in a relationship or is it something that develops over time?

Sometimes can both play a role, but ultimately I think it has to do more with chemistry. Essentially people either mesh or they don't. There is certainly a deepening of a relationship over time but I think you are talking about how people innately interact.

- Do most people plan scenes in the beginning to test-drive new ideas, or is it spontaneously motivated most of the time?

Small or more common things can be done in the moment. For more involved events, I don't plan a detailed script but I have a few possibilities in mind and maybe half of them wind up getting incorporated into that scene. As for safety, I might carefully test out a knife in a coldly objective manner but when it comes to actually introducing that knife into play it will seem much more natural to my partner.

- When the relationship is not 24/7, and you're feeling things out in the beginning, what's a good transition from, "Hey, Honey, how was your day?", when you're in the mood to hear her beg for release? :rolleyes:

There are so many things to consider. Has she had a long day at work? Does she have a busy day tomorrow? Is she fighting a cold? Did we play hard two days ago or has it been two weeks? Sometimes we will spend the evening in the bedroom or maybe it is just dinner followed by a trip to the library.

- Am I completely over analyzing things because I've had a taste, I WANT MORE, it's not as simple or smooth as you people make it look and I'm having a hard time finding my niche?

The most important thing is to present yourself as you are. Do not pretend to have experience or skills you don't have. Be sincere but remember everyone is a human being first and a PYL/pyl second. Don't push people into circumstances where they feel uncomfortable and likewise don't allow yourself to be drawn into situations that don't interest you.

That's a good start anyway. All comments are just my opinions.
 
Re: Re: Finding Focus

Netzach said:
...these are the things that are easier with a casual playmate than they can be at home.

She & I narrowed down the explanation for any 'holding back' to our mutual wish that the core of our relationship went undamaged. Communication is very good between us, but somewhat stilted (probably by me) because she has previous experience and it just feels wrong for me to say, "How do I go about x, y, z?" Sort of like my dentist asking me how he should go about drilling my teeth.

I, personally, DID plan all my scenes as a Top to some degree when I was first starting, and if I'm not feeling totally perfect and in my game, I still plan to a degree. Usually I will arrange a scene around one item or mental image and riff off that, figure out what it means and what I want it to do - there is NOTHING wrong with planning, there is nothing fake or scripted about having a general road map in your head.

This works much better for me. I'm not an insane planner and enjoy a fair degree of spontinaeity, but there are too many unknowns at this point for that to feel smooth. So, say I've planned a scene that appeals to me & is within her realm of limits. How much of my intent is advisable to share with her? This is where I think it'll feel scripted or less enticing because she'd know what was coming.

I'm not organized about-- anything. I have art-brain not manager-brain. But I will tell you that you will frustrate a bottom if you do not know what you want and stick to the program as much as you can. Decide on your outcome and make it happen, you have that in you.

This is proving to be a really bad time for me to be so AR. I feel very married to the concept of doing it right the first time. As if I'd lose some respect or trust by taking a wrong turn or setting up an awful evening. (I know in my gut that this is incorrect, but it's still there.) I suppose this lends to Rosco's live and learn description. Time to throw caution to the wind, maybe?

There is still a gap, even after being a Top for almost 9 years,and living with my boy for 3, between the mundane and the non-mundane world of servitude and play. I have him put on his collar when he is ready to not just be my property, but be treated especially as such. I let that transition come from him, with a simple signal of readiness that doesn't need tons of lengthy talking out.

That's a great idea, though I happen to really enjoy calling her to me and placing it there myself. I'd also like to know when she's feeling the need. It'd also be really nice for me to have something unspoken that I can do to indicate my readiness on any given day.

Many thanks for your in-depth response. It was a tremendous help.

~Despina
 
Re: Re: Finding Focus

Mr Blonde said:
Depends on your circumstances. If you have a trusting partner who is willing to share your exploration, then you can just go about things willy nilly and communicate as you go. That was the form that my first serious relationship took. If you don't have a trusting partner, then you need to be more organized when approaching semi-strangers.

There has never been a breach or hold on trust. I think willy nilly is definitely in our future, but I've also learned that instead of getting more focused as things progress, I get less focused on what I'm doing and lost in what I'm feeling. Then, when I snap out of it, I realize that I'm in charge and the next move happens to be mine. It sounds really stupid to spell it out that way, but it's mostly true. So I'll take yours & Netzach's advice to be more organized at first until the ground rules are more solid and more automatic.

As for safety, I might carefully test out a knife in a coldly objective manner but when it comes to actually introducing that knife into play it will seem much more natural to my partner.

I understand the logic behind this, but maybe I'm wired funny because I can't think of many things that work this way. Flogging, for instance, seems sort of 'all in' or 'all out' to me. I spent time getting used to it all, hit myself with it (that was a fucking trick), handed it to her and instructed her to let me have it. I wanted to know what was going on at the other end before taking it up myself. I didn't think there was anything natural about it, really. Thrilled me in indescribable ways, but was still new and unnatural.


There are so many things to consider. Has she had a long day at work? Does she have a busy day tomorrow? Is she fighting a cold? Did we play hard two days ago or has it been two weeks? Sometimes we will spend the evening in the bedroom or maybe it is just dinner followed by a trip to the library.

I didn't mean my transition question to sound as selfish as I think it came across to you. It just seems that so far the transition from everyday life to 'kink-time' is kinda formal and awkward. I'm not often in the mood to talk about what's to come. If the need is running high and the situation could accomodate the start of a session, I'm looking for a way to begin it without discussion. I'm sure it's just me and again it's just gonna take time and familiarity.

The most important thing is to present yourself as you are. Do not pretend to have experience or skills you don't have. Be sincere but remember everyone is a human being first and a PYL/pyl second. Don't push people into circumstances where they feel uncomfortable and likewise don't allow yourself to be drawn into situations that don't interest you.

That's a good start anyway. All comments are just my opinions.

This part is easy. Our communication and trust being what it is, she'd know in an instant if I were hiding behind bravado. Additionally, I don't think I'd get much satisfaction from her submission if I knew deep down that she was giving it to a poser.

Your comments/opinions are greatly appreciated, Mr. Blonde.

~Despina
 
Re: Re: Re: Finding Focus

This is proving to be a really bad time for me to be so AR. I feel very married to the concept of doing it right the first time. As if I'd lose some respect or trust by taking a wrong turn or setting up an awful evening. (I know in my gut that this is incorrect, but it's still there.) I suppose this lends to Rosco's live and learn description. Time to throw caution to the wind, maybe?


Oh I think we're all like that I think that's part of being a Top. I will tell you the big bad news: at some point you are going to fuck up. And when you fuck up, you will apologize to your sub, and not do it again, at least not the same thing, and you will not wring your hands and subject your sub to your guilt and it will be over. I've whacked M in the nuts with my cane, I've zipped his nuts into a zipper on a zentai suit, I'm not proud to admit these very stupid errors, but they do get made. The more you plan, the less likely they are to be made, so, even now I try to force myself to plan some, plan around every toy at any rate. It's like working in a wood shop, the people who slice off the fingers are usually decently experienced journeyman guys who know what they are doing, but not so well as they think they know what they are doing. It's not the total veterans and it's not the newbies. There's no cure for it, it's just human learning curve - you just have to be as careful as you can and it's all you can do.
 
from the bottom then.........

going from hi honey how was your day, to lets play. I can be mid sentence of saying whatever, and he'll indicate that NOW is a good time. If its really incovenient (very unsubmissive thought i know) and i still submit, i will go deeper at these times, than when im ready willing, gagging for it. The harder for me to submit, the deeper i go it seems. great aint it!

planning, i like. it shows thought about me outside of play, i get a kick out of this consideration, and preparation. I associate it with valueing me as a person, valueing my submission. Then passion steps in and i can tell when its improvised, and what is planned. The basic elements are planned, but it doesnt always follow the choreography he had planned. And then theres the mistakes, where ill fall off the damn bed or something. Just like vanilla, being flexible (in more ways than one) helps overcome hidden hurdles.
Planning is something i put a lot into out of respect for him. I plan my preparedness for him, that he reciprocates with planning a scene, is truly a sign of mutual respect for each other.
Other times, passion rules ok, no plan, no agenda, just lust, its all good.
We didnt have much real life experience. But importantly, he had none of me. So he was always going to be a beginner at OUR first play session. As will you with someone you dont know.
At some point, you have to jump in and get your hands dirty.

A slow evolutionary process seems to occur naturally. Now 6 months down the new to each other road, things flow nicely. Less stumbling and fumbling. And more fluidity as we get to know each others needs more.

What is fun, is that things he'd done for me, on assumption that i would enjoy, sometimes were not so, and visa versa. Without clear communication, we could of been doing things for ages.

The learning to communicate at level required for bdsm is the skill id hone first. Never mind the angles and dangles

;)
 
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