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Finding a cheater, would you tell or keep secret?

I read, “Finding a character…” and went, whut? Tell how?

I need more coffee.
 
Socock98 said:
Hello!

Today I have some questions regarding cheating, mostly if you would tell it or not to the person who is being cheated on.
I will try to clarify through some examples and scenarios.


My first thought was in the case where you are dating/seeing someone and you later find out that person is already involved/married to someone else. Would you inform that person that you were also involved with their partner or would keep that information to yourself?
Another possibility would be finding out one of your friend's partner is cheating on them, would you confront them, tell your friend or keep it to yourself? Or the same thing but this time you find out it's your friend who is unfaithful, do you tell or not?

I'm sure you get the gist of what I am asking, but if not let me know! Basically I am wondering how would you react if you find a cheater? Does your reaction differ depending on the people involved, or would you have the same instinct in any situation?

And more than that, I am wondering how would you tell them? Would you simply say "I know X is cheating on you" and let them handle it from there? Would you provide proof (if you have any)? Would you try to get proof before getting involved?
Also, through which mean would you deliver the news ? Face to face? Through email (either anonymously or not)?

I know there are a lot of questions in my post but I am curious to know how people think! Personally, I was never in a situation where I found a cheater so I am not sure how I would actually react but I think that if I found out one of my friends was being cheated on, I would tell them (proof or not) but if my friend is the cheater I would talk to them about it but not inform their partner.

If you could let me know how you guys would react, or have reacted if you were ever in this kind of situation, I would appreciate it!
Cheers! :)
Click to expand...
Not my place, and not my business, as I have slept with many married women, some whose husbands knew, and most who didn't. Discreetness is paramount in these situations, as no one wants to destroy a marriage or embarrass or humiliate the husband
 
Socock98 said:
My first thought was in the case where you are dating/seeing someone and you later find out that person is already involved/married to someone else. Would you inform that person that you were also involved with their partner or would keep that information to yourself?
Another possibility would be finding out one of your friend's partner is cheating on them, would you confront them, tell your friend or keep it to yourself? Or the same thing but this time you find out it's your friend who is unfaithful, do you tell or not?
Click to expand...

In both cases, I would and have informed people. If you have to hide what you are doing, and it is not a big hairy Taco Bell dump, then it is probably antisocial, hurtful, dysgenic, sadistic, psychopathic, or otherwise destructive. I would not hide a cheater from a friend, and if someone sprung on me that they were married while we were dating, you bet I would tell the afflicted partner. Only honesty can save humanity.
 
This question is fodder in many Dear Abby and Dear Prudence letters. As one can see here, there are many varied views on this topic.
Before pulling the trigger, one should consider the possibility that the couple in question may have an open arrangement which is not common knowledge and what appears to be cheating is agreed to behavior between the two.
 
Trionyx said:
Before pulling the trigger, one should consider the possibility that the couple in question may have an open arrangement which is not common knowledge and what appears to be cheating is agreed to behavior between the two.
Click to expand...
What conclusion do you suppose that considering that would lead to?

I mean, to my mind, it leads to "so, telling couldn't hurt," but it kind of seems like you're concluding the opposite? Maybe I'm just imagining it 'cause you didn't really say what you thought. It just seems implied that you don't think one should pull the trigger.
 
Devinter said:
To me, this supposedly 'complex question' is incredibly easy; Of course I'd tell them - as soon as humanly possible - partly for their sake, and partly because otherwise I could not sleep at night anymore due to living with the guilt. :unsure: I genuinely believe in that whole 'treat others like you want to be treated' ideal. If I would go against that during something as important as infidelity, then I would betray many of the core values I stand for; Honesty, loyalty, proper communication. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
Click to expand...
I'd refrained from replying before because my answer would have been "it depends". But Devinter highlights an important consideration here: "treat others like you want to be treated". If it were my partner cheating on me, I'd want to know.

I can't say that this is the route I'd actually take if I found myself in this situation, but I hope I'd have the morality to do the right thing. Nobody deserves to be betrayed by the one person they should be able to trust most.
 
Trionyx said:
This question is fodder in many Dear Abby and Dear Prudence letters. As one can see here, there are many varied views on this topic.
Before pulling the trigger, one should consider the possibility that the couple in question may have an open arrangement which is not common knowledge and what appears to be cheating is agreed to behavior between the two.
Click to expand...
I have many saved stories in variations of the above. 1. The husband is in on the game, and the wife goes out with her rings on, and leads the potential lover to believe the husband doesn't know, and she is just out for some strange. Lover goes for it, believing he was fucking a hot wife without her husband's knowledge. 2. Again, with her rings on, she intimates that her husband knows, but is unable to stop her. The lover does yeoman's work to show her he is a better lover than her poor husband. She gets a different experience, but guess what? She goes home and shares, and the end result is she and her husband have the same great sex as always, sharing the episode.

A\Many of the LW commenters call me a cuck because I like a good loving consensual cuckold story. The real reason? You have a hot wife, with her husband's blessing, out in the wild, exploring and expanding her sexuality, and bring it home to hubby. A hot wife in that situation, is one of the greatest creatures God ever created.
 
I have only ever encountered two real life cheating situations directly. And I told on both occasions. I was raised to not like cheating- four aunts, one uncle, and two parents all told me how much they hated being a victim of it. When I got to college and saw my roommate doing it to his girlfriend, I didn’t like it. And harassing me to join in- that just upset me even more. You can see my story “Bad Connections” for more information.

Later, when my marriage disintegrated, my ex-wife came to move her stuff out of my house with another man I did not know. I could tell by their body language they were close emotionally. She also casually said “This is Steve, we live together now.” We had been broken up for about two weeks but the divorce wasn’t quite finalized. I still love my ex, so I was polite to the man, asked how they met. My ex told me not to ask and gave me the cold shoulder. It was obvious I knew and they didn’t like it. [shrug]

My avatar in my ficverse is happily polyamorous. There is a difference between that and cheating. He has also been with cheating spouses on occasion. Sometimes unknowingly- and hated himself when he found out. On one occasion he did know. Consider this an after the credits scene for Passion Ch. 5.

Inside Out Club, London, England. 2010.

“Mr. Ramsay,” a voice caught his attention.

The bartender turned to see a short dark haired man in a blue business suit standing before him. He blinked. Not because the man was famous- many celebrities were regular customers in the club- but because he had not expected to see this particular celebrity- ever.

“Mr. Cruise,” he said nervously, “or do you prefer another name tonight?”

The great actor glared at Doug, obviously holding in much emotion. “I need to know. Did you fuck my wife?”

Before answering, Doug looked towards the club door and relaxed. A huge bald Bushman was already heading his direction and very close. Clarke had seen Tom Cruise enter and would react accordingly. Doug decided to be brave and honest. He owed this man, and himself, that.

“Yes, Tom Cruise,” he said, “I fucked your wife together with two of my girlfriends. You don’t need to know their names. I also arranged for other men and women to fuck her. Your marriage was not satisfying her at the time, if you remember, so she took a hall pass for herself. After a three day affair, she decided she was still in love with you and decided to try to make it work again. So she went back to you. If you’re wondering how I feel about it, well, I admit I didn’t entirely enjoy being with your wife emotionally. But I was willing to help her figure things out. If your marriage wasn’t already obviously in trouble, I would not have done it. And I was not the instigator.”

Tom Cruise blinked. Clearly he had not expected such an answer. He took a moment to think, then shrugged. “I know your goon’s probably behind me. You should know- Katie and I are over. The divorce will take a while, there are many assets involved, but our relationship is done.”

Doug nodded. “My condolences. Please don’t call Clarke my goon. He prefers the term ‘security’. I’m sure you’ll find someone else, Mr. Cruise. You have ended things with two previous wives.”

“It still hurts,” Tom Cruise said. He then turned, nodded at Clarke, and walked out of the club.

Doug stared after him for a long instant, nodded his thanks at Clarke, then went back to his duties. Many years later, when his own marriage disintegrated thanks to monogamy demands his wife had made and could not sustain herself, he considered it karma earned. She had fallen out of love with him, just as Katie had with Tom. And it had shaken him up emotionally, just as Tom had foretold. The fact that his own mother had found new love in a similar situation was of little comfort. But eventually, as every human must, he moved on with his life.

***

My avatar, like me, is a very complicated character. Only one redhead psychologist has ever understood him.
 
This is my personal opinion only.

If you or anybody, KNOWS that someone is cheating on their spouse/significant other.

If you do not tell the other person, you are a piece of :poop:, untrustworthy person.

Yes, I've been in this position on a few occasions.
I confronted the cheater on the spot.
I immediately told the person being cheated on, as soon as I was able to get them face to face.

I am still friends with people who have cheated.
They were pissed off with me for a bit, but they realized that I was in the right, and things are smoothed over.
Has it damaged our friendship.....yeah, a little bit.
They understand though.
I don't ostracize them from me or not invite them to gathering and events.
Just do not completely trust them with information.
 
I think people should have little signs with their body count on them floating over their heads. Consent is only valid when it is informed; that includes background.
 
Trionyx said:
Before pulling the trigger, one should consider the possibility that the couple in question may have an open arrangement which is not common knowledge and what appears to be cheating is agreed to behavior between the two.
Click to expand...
If the relationship is not common knowledge, pulling the trigger will have no consequence.
 
desecration said:
I think people should have little signs with their body count on them floating over their heads.
Click to expand...

It'd certainly solve some arguments about that first fumbling prematurely ejaculating virginity loss.

"It didn't seem like we did, but...get a load, number is not zero anymore."

Come to think of it, when does the number increase. Cos that would definitely be my fetish. I wouldn't be looking at her, I'd just be staring at the sign, waiting for it to tick up.
 
As someone who is in an 'open marriage'...tentatively, at this point...I'm on the MYOB spectrum.

You have no idea what sort of discussions a couple has had, no matter how close you think the friendship. I was floored by a GF who announced at a Christmas party several years ago, "Of the four guys in this room, I've fucked three of them..." and the only one she hadn't was my husband...and she would if he gave her the go-ahead.

Did I WANT that information? Not particularly, but it led to a most interesting discussion about 'swinging' and BDSM - with her - and then a discussion with H about whether we wanted to join them (ultimately a no) but that he and I would consider seeking out other partners for ourselves.

Are you going to police your friend's lives? Tell-all...only to find out that the couple has an agreement? I will say that we have shared with NONE of our friends what we are doing...and I would hope that if they saw me making out on the sidewalk with someone who was not H, they'd at least take a second to ask me what was happening before they 'tattled' to him..only to have him say, "Yeah, she's just doing her own thing. I am too."

That would make for an awkward Christmas celebration the next year. Especially as H is seeking out women and has not encouraged my friend in the least.
 
elizaloo said:
As someone who is in an 'open marriage'...tentatively, at this point...I'm on the MYOB spectrum.

You have no idea what sort of discussions a couple has had, no matter how close you think the friendship. I was floored by a GF who announced at a Christmas party several years ago, "Of the four guys in this room, I've fucked three of them..." and the only one she hadn't was my husband...and she would if he gave her the go-ahead.

Did I WANT that information? Not particularly, but it led to a most interesting discussion about 'swinging' and BDSM - with her - and then a discussion with H about whether we wanted to join them (ultimately a no) but that he and I would consider seeking out other partners for ourselves.

Are you going to police your friend's lives? Tell-all...only to find out that the couple has an agreement? I will say that we have shared with NONE of our friends what we are doing...and I would hope that if they saw me making out on the sidewalk with someone who was not H, they'd at least take a second to ask me what was happening before they 'tattled' to him..only to have him say, "Yeah, she's just doing her own thing. I am too."

That would make for an awkward Christmas celebration the next year. Especially as H is seeking out women and has not encouraged my friend in the least.
Click to expand...

Maybe I am missing something, but the way I read this, you provided the answer to why one actually ought to tell in this post, rather than the other way around. Not that I am telling other people how to live their lives, but.. You essentially make it clear that one of either two things happen:
  1. You reveal the truth to someone who is genuinely being hurt by their partner lying to them.
  2. "Yeah, she's just doing her own thing. I am too." - Problem avoided/solved. Takes 5 seconds?
Where is the downside? :unsure:
 
The world is full of people who think they know best.
What's best for other people and themselves...

The answer is simpler than everybody thinks.

IT"S NONE OF YOUR DAMNED BUSINESS.

End of story.
What other people do or don't do. Is their business not yours.
We are not judges, we are not free from sin. We are all flawed individuals. If you can't sleep withyourself knowing it. (GET A LIFE) Nothing that somebody else does with their life is any of your concern.
Who made you or me the judge and jury?
Who in this forum thinks they're better than everybody else?

Cagivagurl
 
Anyone spilling the beans on someone cheating should accept the following possibilities:

1. Sometimes people don't want to know. They might go as far as to 'kill the messenger' (in a metaphorical sense). Friendships have been lost and gratitude isn't always the default reaction.

2. The person informed on might also have a 'less than optimum' reaction. Should they? No. Might they? Well... that rather depends, doesn't it? But it is a wise person who considers the possibility. If someone is prepared to cheat, what else are they prepared to do?
 
HordHolm said:
Anyone spilling the beans on someone cheating should accept the following possibilities:

1. Sometimes people don't want to know. They might go as far as to 'kill the messenger' (in a metaphorical sense). Friendships have been lost and gratitude isn't always the default reaction.

2. The person informed on might also have a 'less than optimum' reaction. Should they? No. Might they? Well... that rather depends, doesn't it? But it is a wise person who considers the possibility. If someone is prepared to cheat, what else are they prepared to do?
Click to expand...

This is entirely true. However, the "don't want to know" is a coping mechanism that can cause serious emotional trauma if left unattended - it falls under the Repression category, and sometimes even Denial comes into play. It can cause serious damage to the psyche that aren't necessarily apparent right away, but that will manifest further down the line.

And as for everyone saying it's "none of your business" - I find that course of logic incredibly flawed. If someone steals from your friend, you're not going to tell them about it? If you witness a serious crime, like someone getting assaulted or raped, you're not going to report it? In a legal sense, if cheating would have been a crime (it still is in some places in the world, by the way) then you'd potentially be liable and labelled as an accomplice in a court of law. Furthermore, many American states consider "failure to report abuse" a felony charge, and what constitutes as abuse isn't strictly defined. I'm not suggesting you'd necessarily get in trouble for it in today's world, but you'd certainly be walking a thin line.

I do, however, fully agree that everyone is free to do what they want so long as there are no victims involved. It's not anyone else's business to tell someone what is and isn't allowed in a relationship. If both people are cool with it, all the more power to them!

This is all coming from someone who has never been cheated on, but whom deals with patients that have undergone trauma every single week. Most of the time, the cheating is discovered eventually - and when that occurs, people suffer. Significantly more so if it has been going on for a long time. How will you look your friend in the eye then, when their partner confirms that you knew the whole time, but said nothing? But hey - you do you. 😅
 
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