Finding a cheater, would you tell or keep secret?

[Socock98]

Hello!

Today I have some questions regarding cheating, mostly if you would tell it or not to the person who is being cheated on.
I will try to clarify through some examples and scenarios.


My first thought was in the case where you are dating/seeing someone and you later find out that person is already involved/married to someone else. Would you inform that person that you were also involved with their partner or would keep that information to yourself?
Another possibility would be finding out one of your friend's partner is cheating on them, would you confront them, tell your friend or keep it to yourself? Or the same thing but this time you find out it's your friend who is unfaithful, do you tell or not?

I'm sure you get the gist of what I am asking, but if not let me know! Basically I am wondering how would you react if you find a cheater? Does your reaction differ depending on the people involved, or would you have the same instinct in any situation?

And more than that, I am wondering how would you tell them? Would you simply say "I know X is cheating on you" and let them handle it from there? Would you provide proof (if you have any)? Would you try to get proof before getting involved?
Also, through which mean would you deliver the news ? Face to face? Through email (either anonymously or not)?

I know there are a lot of questions in my post but I am curious to know how people think! Personally, I was never in a situation where I found a cheater so I am not sure how I would actually react but I think that if I found out one of my friends was being cheated on, I would tell them (proof or not) but if my friend is the cheater I would talk to them about it but not inform their partner.

If you could let me know how you guys would react, or have reacted if you were ever in this kind of situation, I would appreciate it!
Cheers!

 

[intim8]

@NoTalentHack's latest, "Well Intentioned" is entirely about this question. It's a really good exploration of the subtle pros and cons. And just a damn good story.

 

[nice90sguy]

 

[lustychimera]

That's a tough one. My knee jerk is to always tell the person being cheated on, but I'm also not privy to what goes on behind closed doors.

Maybe that was them and their cousin i saw having a "romantic" dinner? Maybe them and their partner have an open relationship? Maybe their partner is a beard?

All that's to say, you can really fuck up someone's life through well intentioned ignorance, so unless I know the person and their values really well, I'm staying out of it.

For the anonymous letter thing, I do feel that IRL this would be the route that most people would be inclined to take. But it's just so spineless, like they want to feel like they're doing the right thing more than actually following through with what they think is right. It's like wadding up ten dollars and throwing it at a homeless guy's face--"I'm such a good person. "

 

[gtnlynn]

My wife's best friend was MB, and MB's husband had the hots for my wife. When we went dancing, he would fondle Lynn's tits and ass and tell her how much she turned him on. She tried to ignore him. One day when I was out of town, he showed up at our house and told Lynn that he just had to have sex with her. He pulled down her top, exposing her breasts and tried to pull her to him. She kneed him in the balls and told him to go away and never come back without MB. We knew that he had been unfaithful to MB with at least one other person. Should we tell her about his attempt with Lynn? Lynn decided that her friendship with MB was more valuable and that she would eventually find out about his unfaithfulness. They moved away, and MB did discover what he was doing and divorced him. She moved back near us and the friendship resumed. His attempt to have sex with Lynn was never mentioned and we don't know if MB knew about it. Not telling her was the right decision.

 

[MrPixel]

Having some experience in this arena, I can honestly say, "There is no single answer, and there is no good answer." I can't even begin to get into the nuances that define the relationships between all affected parties including the "good Samaritan" who has assumed the responsibilities of being the informant.

Plus there are so many types of cheating. Even what constitutes "cheating" is subject to interpretation.

 

[lustychimera]

My wife's best friend was MB, and MB's husband had the hots for my wife. When we went dancing, he would fondle Lynn's tits and ass and tell her how much she turned him on. She tried to ignore him. One day when I was out of town, he showed up at our house and told Lynn that he just had to have sex with her. He pulled down her top, exposing her breasts and tried to pull her to him. She kneed him in the balls and told him to go away and never come back without MB. We knew that he had been unfaithful to MB with at least one other person. Should we tell her about his attempt with Lynn? Lynn decided that her friendship with MB was more valuable and that she would eventually find out about his unfaithfulness. They moved away, and MB did discover what he was doing and divorced him. She moved back near us and the friendship resumed. His attempt to have sex with Lynn was never mentioned and we don't know if MB knew about it. Not telling her was the right decision.

"Not telling her was the right decision" Do what? That was straight up sexual assault. Repeatedly.

That's not a story about unfaithfulness, and it really upsets me to hear.

 

[MrPixel]

"Not telling her was the right decision" Do what? That was straight up sexual assault. Repeatedly.

You are exactly right.

 

[Devinter]

To me, this supposedly 'complex question' is incredibly easy; Of course I'd tell them - as soon as humanly possible - partly for their sake, and partly because otherwise I could not sleep at night anymore due to living with the guilt. I genuinely believe in that whole 'treat others like you want to be treated' ideal. If I would go against that during something as important as infidelity, then I would betray many of the core values I stand for; Honesty, loyalty, proper communication. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

 

[SimonDoom]

I think it would depend on my relationship with the person being cheated on.

If I were close friends with X, and I found that X's girlfriend or wife was cheating on him, I would tell X. It seems to me that a real friendship obligates one to tell a friend about something like that.

On the other hand, if I was casual acquaintances with a guy, and my wife told me that his wife was doing that, I might not interfere or say anything, because I might feel it was not my place and I didn't know all the circumstances of the situation.

 

[Britva415]

what constitutes "cheating" is subject to interpretation

Do you think there's any common thread at all?

I do. Concealment in service of dishonesty. If these factors are present, it's almost certainly "cheating" in a sense anyone could recognize.

If one or both of them are absent, it might not be cheating - but I'm still not sure it's so wide open to interpretation.

I wonder if you're talking about when two people who are in that relationship don't agree on whether it's a breach of fidelity or not. People "interpreting" it who aren't part of the couple whose fidelity is at stake might not have all the facts and might not have any business interpreting.

 

[RetroFan]

I addressed this issue with one of my stories, where the narrator Rachel (who is a feminist lesbian) finds out that her brother's wife Sammi (an annoying mommy-vlogger type) is cheating on her brother. But what Rachel finds out is not so much a skeleton from one affair, but a mass grave that includes sex-addict Sammi cheating with a really bad guy, having sex with men and women for money, enacting some twisted fantasies with other men and that the father of Sammi's son is not Rachel's brother, but rather her (Sammi's) cousin. Knowing this would destroy her brother, Rachel does not disclose what she has learned, but not before confronting and literally scaring the shit out of Sammi (who fortunately does make it to the toilet in time). However, Rachel's judgement does lapse as she allows Sammi to seduce her leading to some Sapphic scenes...

So did the Loving Wives readers agree with what Rachel did, like the characters and story and praise me for writing it? Um no, they didn't.

 

[8letters]

I did some research on this for one of my stories, and my understanding of the advice I read was that, if your friend is being cheated on, your friend should be told, but not by you because you're telling them will likely damage your friendship.

 

[lovecraft68]

Last year someone I've been friends with for 15 years started not just cheating on his wife, but bragging about, flaunting it. I'd known his wife since he met her 10 years ago. I made a comment to him, that bad enough you're doing this, but you're talking about it?

His response was, "Yeah, well, there's a code, guys don't rat guys out."

I told his wife two days later and showed her a picture of him mucking up with this other woman-who didn't know he was married.

Of course as you can imagine, I was seen as the asshole by him and two other former friends. Haven't talked to any of them shortly after that went down.

In the end, its no loss. I see cheating as a character trait, a bad one. My thought has always been that if this person would lie to, hurt, and betray someone they supposedly love, what would they do to me?

I don't understand that anger here over fictional cheating stories, but in real life when I find out someone is a cheat, they're dead to me. Not the type of person I need to be around.

 

[Yesok1]

I'll keep their secret, if they keep mine!

 

[ElectricBlue]

If you could let me know how you guys would react, or have reacted if you were ever in this kind of situation, I would appreciate it!

What people get up to in their private lives is completely up to them, and it's no business of mine.

You're asking for "advice" from a bunch of anonymous randoms, 95% of whom have declared their writing here is secret, unknown to their partners and closest friends. We're few of us parables of virtue - he who is without sin cast the first stone, that kind of thing. I wouldn't take advice from any of us, frankly. I might listen to one or two, but in terms of morality advice, I'd give this place a pass.

 

[Rob_Royale]

If I found out someone I was dating was married, I'd end it, and that's it.

If I found out a friend was being cheated on, I'd let them know. As kindly as I could.

 

[Voboy]

MYOB. Always and forever, MYOB.

I have no idea what others are going through, nor what compromises they might have made in their own lives, nor what level of comfort they've established with their current SO. For all I know, they could be swingers. My "report" could be offensive to everyone concerned. It's not my problem, not my concern, not my life.

MYO damn B.

 

[Cagivagurl]

Hello!

Today I have some questions regarding cheating, mostly if you would tell it or not to the person who is being cheated on.
I will try to clarify through some examples and scenarios.


My first thought was in the case where you are dating/seeing someone and you later find out that person is already involved/married to someone else. Would you inform that person that you were also involved with their partner or would keep that information to yourself?
Another possibility would be finding out one of your friend's partner is cheating on them, would you confront them, tell your friend or keep it to yourself? Or the same thing but this time you find out it's your friend who is unfaithful, do you tell or not?

I'm sure you get the gist of what I am asking, but if not let me know! Basically I am wondering how would you react if you find a cheater? Does your reaction differ depending on the people involved, or would you have the same instinct in any situation?

And more than that, I am wondering how would you tell them? Would you simply say "I know X is cheating on you" and let them handle it from there? Would you provide proof (if you have any)? Would you try to get proof before getting involved?
Also, through which mean would you deliver the news ? Face to face? Through email (either anonymously or not)?

I know there are a lot of questions in my post but I am curious to know how people think! Personally, I was never in a situation where I found a cheater so I am not sure how I would actually react but I think that if I found out one of my friends was being cheated on, I would tell them (proof or not) but if my friend is the cheater I would talk to them about it but not inform their partner.

If you could let me know how you guys would react, or have reacted if you were ever in this kind of situation, I would appreciate it!
Cheers!

I would say nothing....
Why?
Because it's none of my damn business....

Cagivagurl

 

[SimonDoom]

What people get up to in their private lives is completely up to them, and it's no business of mine.

You're asking for "advice" from a bunch of anonymous randoms, 95% of whom have declared their writing here is secret, unknown to their partners and closest friends. We're few of us parables of virtue - he who is without sin cast the first stone, that kind of thing. I wouldn't take advice from any of us, frankly. I might listen to one or two, but in terms of morality advice, I'd give this place a pass.

I would agree we're no parables of virtue, but I'd also suggest we're no worse, as a group, than the norm. Seems like a reasonable question to ask a bunch of writers, because it may inform how one has one's characters act in a story.

 

[SimonDoom]

The responses in this thread are quite interesting. The range of attitudes. I understand the MYOB attitude in some contexts, but not in others. For instance, if I know my best friend is being cheated on, I'm going to tell him. MYOB does not apply to my relationship to my best friend. I have affirmative duties toward the people I care most deeply about. And I would do it even knowing that it might damage my relationship. But I would want to make sure I had all my facts right, first. I wouldn't want to accuse his wife to his face falsely and risk destroying the friendship for that reason.

Now if it was my best friend who was doing the cheating, and his wife was an acquaintance/friend but not as close, that would be different. I would probably disapprove and counsel him not to, but I wouldn't necessarily break the confidence and tell his wife UNLESS there was something criminal or abusive involved that I felt morally compelled to reveal to her.

If I heard news about people who are not in my inner circle of acquaintance, then I probably would follow the MYOB principle for the reason others have stated, but, again, I might break that principle if I felt abuse or criminal conduct was involved.

 

[Llehlla]

What people get up to in their private lives is completely up to them, and it's no business of mine.

You're asking for "advice" from a bunch of anonymous randoms, 95% of whom have declared their writing here is secret, unknown to their partners and closest friends. We're few of us parables of virtue - he who is without sin cast the first stone, that kind of thing. I wouldn't take advice from any of us, frankly. I might listen to one or two, but in terms of morality advice, I'd give this place a pass.

This has to be my choice for quote of the day @ElectricBlue. You may be hiding things in your real life. but here you are nothing but honest. I can imagine you as the kid in the story who announced that the king wasn’t wearing clothes. The crowd (played here by the people on Lit.) gasps at his remark. He responds to their shock saying, “What? You DO know we’re all here because we want to be naked, see others who are naked, be seen naked, read about stories in which people get naked, gaze at images of naked people, and probably hope to have this surfeit of nakedness stimulate us to as many orgasms as possible, right?”

 

[ElectricBlue]

I would agree we're no parables of virtue, but I'd also suggest we're no worse, as a group, than the norm. Seems like a reasonable question to ask a bunch of writers, because it may inform how one has one's characters act in a story.

Except fiction isn't real life, which is what the OP is on about (I think).

 

[SimonDoom]

I

Except fiction isn't real life, which is what the OP is on about (I think).

Perhaps, but I'm cautious about making assumptions on that score, because even in this forum people get reality and fiction mixed up.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Perhaps, but I'm cautious about making assumptions on that score, because even in this forum people get reality and fiction mixed up.

Agree, hence the "I think".