Finally where I mentally belong, so what's wrong?

[CallousTonicity]

First off: Hi, I'm new here. I've had dominant tendencies in all of my relationships. I enjoy the role of Controller and Care Taker.

For the first time these are not just bedroom roles. My current love has realized she loves being submissive outside the bedroom. It's a whole new animal. I love it. Mentally. I'm into it. When she went through sub-frenzy it was THE BEST time I've ever had.

It came with it's own set of problems:

I'd been with this woman in a more traditional style of relationship for a year before we realized we'd prefer the D/s dynamic. The sudden explosion of responsibility left me a little unprepared. I didn't get her home on time. Didn't realize she suddenly couldn't eat or sleep unless I commanded. There was so much she had previously wanted me to not be involved in: suddenly
I was involved AND in control. Now there are small trust issues creeping up because I'm supposed to be right there, aware and taking care of it all. The result is her retreating from sub-space if I miss something: I'm unable to reverse the process quickly.

How do I keep that trust while I'm still learning the intricacies of my play-thing?

The bedroom has a different issue. I've always wanted to tie her up, take what I wanted and command her around. Sub-frenzy, once again was amazing. Now we're out of that. So I tied her up, she fought, I enjoy raping. Funny thing happened. Despite all the arousal and desire mentally and hormonally, I was physically having issues.

Did I just get over sexed and need a break? Do we need more time in the D/s outside of the bedroom?

She felt insecure and hurt. Thought I didn't really want the D/s relationship or the ropes. Any advice?

 

[sdineen]

f

I have some advice if your sure you want it don't want to overstep

 

[sdineen]

fd

I have an idea. next time you are together. physicallly, but not sexually hold her. There is a great deal of fear of being abanded.

 

[CutieMouse]

Welcome to the forum.

It came with it's own set of problems:

I'd been with this woman in a more traditional style of relationship for a year before we realized we'd prefer the D/s dynamic. The sudden explosion of responsibility left me a little unprepared.

The "sudden explosion of responsibility" sounds like there's been some micro-managing going on? If so, that's a hell of a lot of responsibility... is it working for you? Yes, in theory it's hot as hell, but is it working in practice, or is it more than you're interested in?

Example - in my relationships, my #1 "order" is to take care of myself. Which means that even though I clean house for a lover once a week, if I've had a particularly long/difficult week, he'd much rather come home to find me curled up in his bed napping, than scrubbing the floors. Do I get to make that decision myself? Hell yes. And if I do decide to take a week off, I'm still following orders - because his #1 order is to protect my [emotional, mental, physical] well being.

I didn't get her home on time. Didn't realize she suddenly couldn't eat or sleep unless I commanded.

Okay, this is where I gotta hit pause. She CAN remember to eat & sleep without being commanded; at some point she made a conscious decision to ignore her basic needs (food/sleep), in the name of "sub frenzy" / "D/s". She can also politely point out that it might be time to wrap things up, as she has a long day ahead, tomorrow.

There was so much she had previously wanted me to not be involved in: suddenly I was involved AND in control. Now there are small trust issues creeping up because I'm supposed to be right there, aware and taking care of it all. The result is her retreating from sub-space if I miss something: I'm unable to reverse the process quickly.

Again, this sounds like 100% of everything is on your shoulders. The submissive in the relationship has responsibilities, too. Dominance does not = mind reader. It does not mean the submissive in the relationship suddenly gets to give up on adulthood/adult responsibilities. IMO if she's "retreating from sub-space" if you "miss something", and "trust issues" are creeping up because you aren't magically reading her every move perfectly... that's rather unforgiving of her, eh? I mean, asking you to not only undo years of societal conditioning at the drop of a hat, but do so with perfect confidence and competence? I'm guessing that means she went from zero to perfect submissive in 2.3 seconds too, right?

How do I keep that trust while I'm still learning the intricacies of my play-thing?

You keep the trust, by BOTH acknowledging that y'all are human. Sometimes you make mistakes. Sometimes you might even want what you want, her love of sub-space be dammed. You've been together a year... that relationship offers you an excellent opportunity to "learn the intricacies" of your play-thing. She's still the same person; she's just operating under a snazzy new label.

The bedroom has a different issue. I've always wanted to tie her up, take what I wanted and command her around. Sub-frenzy, once again was amazing. Now we're out of that. So I tied her up, she fought, I enjoy raping. Funny thing happened. Despite all the arousal and desire mentally and hormonally, I was physically having issues.

Not uncommon. There's a lot of pressure [on you] in that sort of situation, and a lot of societal conditioning to overcome. You aren't supposed to (normally) "enjoy" rape; that's what separates consensual non-consent from actual rape.

Did I just get over sexed and need a break? Do we need more time in the D/s outside of the bedroom?

It might help to think of this stuff as a journey, not a marathon. You have a whole life to figure out what you enjoy [with D/s]. And as you walk through life, you might find your kinky tastes change. There are things that 8-9 years ago, I just thought were the ultimate gotta do D/s thing... that I have less than zero need for (or interest in) now.

She felt insecure and hurt. Thought I didn't really want the D/s relationship or the ropes. Any advice?

Yep. Massive, emo-based sub frenzy.

"ZOMG ___ DIDN'T GO PERFECTLY AND NOW YOU'RE QUESTIONING THINGS AND OMG THAT MEANS YOU DON'T WANT THIS!!!! YOUR DOMINANCE ISN'T LIKE I EXPECTED IT TO BE!!! YOU DON'T WANT TO DOMINATE ME!!! AHHHHHHH!!!"

Seriously? Breathe. In the end, relationships are relationships. Drop the formalized what D/s is "supposed" to look like BS, and talk to each other. Keep a journal if it helps. Give each other a safe space, where you can [both] speak freely without judgement.

 

[FireKrystals]

Communication is key. She can not expect you to be a mind reader. Also again I agree with food and sleep being on her also. Talk to her. Tell her you are having issues and are trying to grasp all this and that it will take time. If she loves you and really wants this, she will be able to step back a bit. Don't follow the stereotypes. I am glad you posted this here. There are many knowledgeable people on here who can give you advice and steer you in the right direction. Maybe say we need to back off on the total DOM thing? Maybe just try on the weekends, or every other day/night. It can be tough suddenly being totally responsible for another person the way DOMs are suppose to be.

Communication is key. Sit her down and talk to her out of the D/s scenario.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Heh. FireKrystals sounds like s/he's been reading too many of my posts.

I'll reiterate, though, both what FK said and what I've said in (seemingly) dozens of these threads:

ANY relationship requires communication between the parties. No relationship can or will survive its lack. Therefore... get thee (both!) to communicating.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Everything that Cutie Mouse said.

My rather unkind observation is-- she's the one who is controlling the relationship, not you. I doubt she's doing it maliciously or even knowingly, but she's manipulated things so that you literally can't think of anything except her and her doings.

She may be a submissive, but she is still an adult. We can't play in Never-never Land 24/7, as much as we wish to. We all of us have to go to work, yanno?

Ask her if she feels she really needs time being completely non-responsible, and if so, she can take vacations being a "little" with your assistance-- but not all the time.

Also, be aware that Doms and tops can have limits too, and subs and bottoms can damn well respect those limits. It goes both ways.

 

[njlauren]

I agree with the others, I suspect you sub has gone balls to the wall without giving you the chance to adjust. As you have figured out being a dominant has a lot of responsibility to it and considering you jumped from a vanilla relationship into this , literally plunged, you are being handed a lot way too rapidly and you are overwhelmed. Even people into this for years, experienced D/s people, talk about how it can get tiring, how it can be difficult at times to maintain the dynamic.

It also is easy, speaking as a sub, to get lost in this, to turn over control so to speak and say "it is all on your shoulders". Among the crowd I hang out in, very few of them micro manage details like eating or going to sleep, there is always the protocol there that they are in charge, but they don't want that responsibility to have to call up their sub at work and say "okay, you can eat, have a container of yogurt and an apple), it is just too much given their own demands.

To be honest, what your sub is doing to you is too familiar, it is creating a one way relationship all on you. In theory, a sub is supposed to be 'honoring and pleasing' the dominant, but here it all seems on you, that you need to do things to maintain subspace perfectly, etc. I am not a dominant by nature, but having known some pretty experienced ones, I think they would be doing a lot to your sub to break her of that habit, of assuming it is the 'dominant doing me'. I am not criticizing your sub/mate, I know just how wonderfully intoxicating it is in subspace, how easy it is to push, but when I got into my first IRL D/s I was with someone like yourself, someone who literally had never done it, and I made some of those mistakes (among other things, we were fortunate to have a therapist/counselor who was scene herself, which helped a great deal), my D accused me of being a 'sponge' and that was very true. In part, it was because we got into it, I was doing sessions with pro dommes in D/s scenarios, and that is not the same thing....

Sir Winston hit the nail on the head (and what a great name for a Dom!!), it is in communications and in actually working out the relationship and letting it grow. Some suggestions (some of which others have made)....

-Take a step back to sit and talk with you sub about what is going on, basically tell her the truth, that she wants to go too fast or too deep for you, that you are learning too. If she starts making you feel guilty or whatever, cut it off, you have the greater responsibility but so does she. Turning over all responsibility to the other person is a major, major step, it is like having a baby, and you have the right to set boundaries (and if she won't let you, then she isn't a sub). Stella is right, she is driving from the bottom, and that is not a relationship, that is her in effect masturbating herself and letting you watch with nothing for you.

-I don't know if you guys have done this, but put together a contract. It should spell out duties and limitations, limits, and those are for both of you. Think about what you can and can't handle at this point (and the nice part is, you already know what they are), and negotiate that in. Maybe only do this stuff on a weekend or certain days, other days it is a lot loose, or spell out what her duties are, too. A contract doesn't just protect the sub, it protects the dominant, too, because you aren't her slave. Quite honestly, I know people get off on the total control thing, but when I see things like controlling all the time when a sub can go to the head or when they can eat or what they can eat, for me as a dominant or submissive that is going to far, as a dominant, why the heck would I want that kind of control, given I have a life? Sure, in a weekend deal that kind of control might be sexy, but when working 10 hour days, commutting, dealing with stress, getting sick, having kids potentially, it would be mind boggling overload to me....

-Set it up so the contract is short term, so you can re-evaluate regularly.A month, a couple of weeks, whatever....kind of continuous improvement and it gives you a framework to talk about this changes are fine, and you both get to see what works, and also compromise on things (yeah, seems weird for a D/s, but guess what, it is real for many/most people other then perhaps the utlimate control types, the TPE's and such). Gives it a chance to grow.....what she is doing is sort of like taking a bottle of miracle gro and pouring it on a plant, and then wondering why the poor thing dies....like fertilizer, D/s can work better growing over time and doing a little bit here and there.

Dominants may be born that way (debatable, but let's assume), but it doesn't mean they don't need to learn and grow and find their way. Your sub is putting all the duty of growing on you, the burden, and quite frankly as a sub the whole thing of 'subspace' is not on the dominant, subspace is finding that place within yourself as a sub to find that place in the context of your relationship; expecting a dominant to be perfect, to fit all your needs to get into subspace, and if they don't make it quite obvious you aren't there, or are otherwise disappointed, is topping from the bottom, it is manipulating the dominant into doing what they (the sub) want, and that is not what a D/s is supposed to be IMO.....Again, I am not necessarily criticizing your sub, I know just how fucking amazing that glow of finding this is like as a sub, but I also had people who quite literally or figuratively kicked me in the ass and made me realize what a sub is, too

 

[CallousTonicity]

Ok...hold the phone! First off, let's all consider that this is the 3rd forum post I've made. IN MY LIFE. (Which means the one up top was only number 2.)

The idea of this post was not to say what she's doing is bad or become a rant on my part. The thought behind it was: I like that level of control. I want it. She's not being a bitch or threatening to leave me. We ARE talking. A lot. That was more or less supposed to be a background. I was looking for something along the lines of "this is how you work your way into that control" or "dominance for dummies". The sleeping and eating were not things either of us were consciously aware of. I think most of that was part of the frenzy. I'm not complaining, the relationship is going well, we're happy, it's a work in progress. I'm looking for things to watch out for so I can maintain.

All that aside, my real worries were my last. The final questions relating to why I was unable to perform were more pertinent, which is why I left them till last. I want to know about my side, not hers. What do I need to focus on or be aware of? Or, for those of you with the same equipment as me: how is it that I'm attracted, turned on and limp? Does not compute. I've never had this issue before. Have any of you?

 

[FireKrystals]

Heh. FireKrystals sounds like s/he's been reading too many of my posts.

Sir Winston: you are correct sir(I'm new too and learning from everyone I can ^_^ you know your stuff)

CalousTonicity: No one is attacking her or you. WE are merely explaining why you may be "having issues". If the brain becomes overwhelmed it reacts physically. It can be either with sickness or other forms. This might be your brains way of saying "Dude I need time to adjust, lets relax a bit". IT happens a lot when a totally new experience is introduced to someone and then it becomes all consuming. Totally normal, the key is to communicate, and listen to your mind. Let me put it in terms I can speak clearly in.

It's like basic training. In order to make you into a soldier (someone who can function under fire and pressure and be a machine) they need to break you down. They do that in a variety of ways, IE constant yelling, this isn't right, that isn't right, repetitive and tedious motions. Like having you spend Saturday taking all the rocks out of the PT field, then putting them back. At some point your mind "breaks" so to speak. This is where they find out who truly can be a soldier. If your mind breaks, and they can remold it, you go on, if they can't shape it how they need it, you are discharged or choose to leave. Let me clarify Break, I mean mentally wearing you down until you are basically functioning on auto pilot.

We are merely informing you that this happens to many of us, kind of like writers block. I think if you cut back a bit, maybe a week or few days, your problems should go away. Your minds trying to process to much to fast and it can't cope. Hope this helps clarify

 

[njlauren]

Ok...hold the phone! First off, let's all consider that this is the 3rd forum post I've made. IN MY LIFE. (Which means the one up top was only number 2.)

The idea of this post was not to say what she's doing is bad or become a rant on my part. The thought behind it was: I like that level of control. I want it. She's not being a bitch or threatening to leave me. We ARE talking. A lot. That was more or less supposed to be a background. I was looking for something along the lines of "this is how you work your way into that control" or "dominance for dummies". The sleeping and eating were not things either of us were consciously aware of. I think most of that was part of the frenzy. I'm not complaining, the relationship is going well, we're happy, it's a work in progress. I'm looking for things to watch out for so I can maintain.

All that aside, my real worries were my last. The final questions relating to why I was unable to perform were more pertinent, which is why I left them till last. I want to know about my side, not hers. What do I need to focus on or be aware of? Or, for those of you with the same equipment as me: how is it that I'm attracted, turned on and limp? Does not compute. I've never had this issue before. Have any of you?

Callous-
No one was criticizing either you or her, we were responding to your question about having trouble performing and such and we were pointing out you probably were overloaded. No one said your desire to control or hers to be controlled were wrong or bad, far from it, all I especially was trying to say you may be doing too much, too fast. The person may desire to run a marathon but they need to get into shape, same thing here. Part of what I saw and I suspect others saw was you were taking all of the burden on yourself, and while that may be your style or desired end (which again is fine), you also may be doing too much too fast. You can be turned on to the nth degree and be overloaded and not able to perform, desire and the physical part can diverge, for a variety of reasons. Pull down 90 or 100 hour week and you can be horny as hell and not be able to 'get it up'; be stressed out, not getting enough sleep, not eating enough and you won't be able to perform. If you are burning the candle at both ends with the D/s, putting pressure on yourself, you get what they used to call performance anxiety and it can physically manifest itself; doesn't mean you don't like what you are doing, it means you are doing it in a way that is taxing you too far, too fast IMO.

As far as dominance for dummies, that is why i suggested what I did and others said as well, build up to the level you end up desiring, don't jump into hog hole right up front. You may desire total control, really want that, and that is cool, but give yourself a roadmap to do it and give yourself some down time from it, at least initially. I can only talk from my own experiences and from those who have shared, but the experienced D/s people I know built up to their current level, they didn't jump in with the whole package in the beginning and quite frankly, there is no such thing as 'dominating' correctly and everyone builds up to things in their own way and time. It is why I suggested doing the contract thing and making it a moving work in progress, gives you and you sub a way to grow, to move towards your ultimate goals, and also build up the trust and such as you grow and mature into it. That is as close as I can come to a dominance for dummies, the details, about how you control, what you control, when you control it, punishments and rewards, the details are all yours to figure out and work out, which should be a good part of the pleasure of doing this in the first place IMO.

 

[Netzach]

Ok...hold the phone! How is it that I'm attracted, turned on and limp? Does not compute. I've never had this issue before. Have any of you?

I don't have that shape junk, and I play on the same team you do: however I've played with a LOT of men and their junk in my life (CBT) and I will say welcome to the wide world of sexual variance and deviance. Men can be limp and excited. Men can be SO excited they're limp. Men can ejaculate limp. Hard cock may not lie, and I believe it does not, but soft cock lies all the time. Why you? Why this time? New information overload? Intense concentration AND arousal? Just 'cause?

Did you enjoy yourself? That should be the main thing. Should she fall into a tizzy of doubt and worry if you say "no really I'm enjoying it" or take you at face value? I'd say she should. Maybe if this happens 100 times in a row wonder about it.

She should chill out. It's not all about her. It's your cock. If you say "I'm enjoying this" then you are.

 

[BiBunny]

I find it telling that with all the problems in the first post--the fact that she's training him to be an excellent slave boy without his knowledge, his unwillingness to be saddled with all the responsibility she's foisting on him, etc., and all the inevitable problems these things must be causing in the relationship--the only thing he's really worried about is his hard-on.

 

[CallousTonicity]

I find it telling that with all the problems in the first post--the fact that she's training him to be an excellent slave boy without his knowledge, his unwillingness to be saddled with all the responsibility she's foisting on him, etc., and all the inevitable problems these things must be causing in the relationship--the only thing he's really worried about is his hard-on.

Did you not understand what I wrote? "Unwillingness"? Re-read please.

 

[BiBunny]

Did you not understand what I wrote? "Unwillingness"? Re-read please.

The fact that I chose a word you don't like doesn't imply anything about my reading comprehension. And my point still stands.