Figuring: Switch or which side of the stick do you want to be on?

[Phoenix Stone]

Want to explore how you know if you are a Switch or just haven't found your end yet, or even if switching is a good way to find out what works for you. I get the most inner satisfaction from subbing. But I seem to need to dom regularly to get it out of my system. Doesn't give the same satisfaction, just feels like it needs to be done, if that makes sense. Would anyone else like to explore how this has worked for them, or any aspect related to 'finding your end of things' or being a switch? Or knowing what works for you?

I've thought maybe I'm switch because I have so much uh, fight in me. But even domming a guy online once, it felt like Work. I could do it, knew how, had the feel but it felt it ended up being more about his satisfaction and less about mine. I like to be satisfied at the end. Anyway, it feels like dommy stuff, or what feels like it in me, needs to be gotten out of my system sometime. I like to argue. Not every day but pretty often. And I fight until the mood passes or I get it all out. Then, even if I still have ammo, and could 'win,' even if the other person is still fighting, I've lost interest. It feels good to Kick Ass -- which is not something I've heard other subbies express. Maybe Sunfox? On the other hand, I suspect this need, the need to express my ability to kick ass, came from my hard upbringing.

Anyone want to share their story or comment on any of this?

 

[s'lara]

Want to explore how you know if you are a Switch or just haven't found your end yet, or even if switching is a good way to find out what works for you. I get the most inner satisfaction from subbing. But I seem to need to dom regularly to get it out of my system. Doesn't give the same satisfaction, just feels like it needs to be done, if that makes sense. Would anyone else like to explore how this has worked for them, or any aspect related to 'finding your end of things' or being a switch? Or knowing what works for you?

I've thought maybe I'm switch because I have so much uh, fight in me. But even domming a guy online once, it felt like Work. I could do it, knew how, had the feel but it felt it ended up being more about his satisfaction and less about mine. I like to be satisfied at the end. Anyway, it feels like dommy stuff, or what feels like it in me, needs to be gotten out of my system sometime. I like to argue. Not every day but pretty often. And I fight until the mood passes or I get it all out. Then, even if I still have ammo, and could 'win,' even if the other person is still fighting, I've lost interest. It feels good to Kick Ass -- which is not something I've heard other subbies express. Maybe Sunfox? On the other hand, I suspect this need, the need to express my ability to kick ass, came from my hard upbringing.

Anyone want to share their story or comment on any of this?

i am not a switch and would find it hard to step into the Domme role. To come to that conclusion didn't take much. i am typically submissive in most areas of my life with the exception of work and even in that arena it is tough to set the sub trait to the side.

To have the need to be challenged constantly doesn't make one a Domme, it makes one in love with the struggle. There is a high in good debate or even a verbal argument, but it is often a short lived high and not necessarily fulfilling which might be an indicator as to why you need to "kick ass" often. My natural inclination doesn't lean towards seeking out a good battle and being the victor. But that's just me. As you are you. We all differ obviously. imo, it sounds like you prefer to be sexually submissive and there isn't a thing wrong with that to be honest. You'd likely exhaust yourself trying to restrain the need to "fight."

If your need for conflict is essential to who you are, then i would venture to say that it isn't necessarily related to your need to be sexually submissive. Maybe the answer is as simple as "You enjoy the passion associated with argument and require less contention in your sexual relations." As i don't know you and can only go by what you've said thus far, this assumption could be entirely wrong.

i wouldn't worry too much about what category you fit into PS. It will only confuse you more. Good luck on finding your own particular niche.

lara

 

[Netzach]

I know a lot of subs who like to "service Top" at times. IE. they are safe, excellently trained sensation players, they get a thrill from the upper hand position, and they don't have to worry about being pleased or not or making it "all about them"... because they find a very greedy, needy, pointedly fetishistic bottom who doesn't really care to be submissive but likes to get whacked or "bossed around" in role.

I think lines are a lot more fluid IRL where more people tend to just do something if it feels good and then interpret their every move in words, ie. online.

I consider myself a Top/Dominant rather than a switch. This doesn't mean I've never bottomed, this doesn't mean I've never submitted or served, in fact my incidents and time spent serving has been some of the most satisfactory I've had in the scene. It's not a NEED for me though, it's ok if I do it maybe once or twice a year, and then I feel sufficiently back on track.

Dom/me purists tend to see this as cause to label my a switch, clearly I'm mislabeling myself if I could ever take pleasure in doing something other than dominating. I think this is bull hockey and I get to label myself as I see fit.

A submissive attitude to prove their point.

I've managed to assimilate my prior experience because it always *was* about me in the end. If the other perrson was pleased, if they said "good boi" or "good dog" it was only as important to me as any other success in life, or largely that important. It's not to say I had no consideration for them, but fundamentally my idea of good service was to the IDEAL of "good service."

This is an attitude I rarely encounter outside of formal, largely GLBT Leather circles, and it's what drew me to that playstyle. Surrender for the sake of surrender and ever increasing vulnerability to another was something I could never get my head around. Service was something I could.

 

[MissTaken]

I think lines are a lot more fluid IRL where more people tend to just do something if it feels good and then interpret their every move in words, ie. online.

Ohhh I love this line, netzach!

How true.

When I am home with my guy and/or my friends, I worry not which side of the fence I walking on. I do tend to meander in the fields of Dominance far more than submission, however I won't deal in absolutes.

(Yes, yes, Yes, there was a time when I tried to be absolute in my translation of BDSM, but learned in real time, that there are none for me and for many. )

If it feels good, if it feels right, just do it.
If it scratches an itch, go ahead.
Don't be too concerned with the reasoning behind what you have done and enjoy yourself and life.


At this point, after a couple of years of submitting, nearly a year of switching, I have most recently engaged only in Dominant behavior. Even my maso needs are met on my terms. At each "phase" of my journey, what I was doing and where I was at mentally seemd right for me, until it didn't any longer.

I consider it growth.
Others consider it not knowing what you want.

Piffle to them, I say!

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Switching, you say?

When I first started exploring this lifestyle, I was a Dominant personality. I did not even begin to focus outside of that until 4 years ago when I became involved with my very first long term girl..who happened to be a Domme.

I now have a hard time classifying myself as either/or as both sides of the fence are perfectly great for me. I have had the same 2 pets for close to 3 years (a boi/grrl combo married to one another) and am actively searching for someone who can provide the intense sensation play my body craves.

Even wanting the sensation play used to leave me confused...not any longer though. I just figured out that I am a pain slut, period. I will always be an active dominant but while I have the need for pain/pleasure play, I will expand my play to find some one who can give it to me..on my terms (usually).

To me that makes me a switch and it only took a total of 10 years to figure it out!!

My point is that you should not try to force yourself to try and fit a preconceived mold of what you think you should be...explore and do what feels right to you.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

When I discovered myself in a BDSM light, I thought I was only sub. I had an inherent need to give up control and just let it go.. let Him have it. And I am His sub to this day. We are more vanilla than many on this board, but I belong to Him, and I do His bidding, and anticipate His needs, etc.

However, I have since learned (thanks to some lovely people here at Lit) that I have a Domme side to me as well. I find myself exploring that side of me outside of the confines of my relationship with Him (with His permission). It makes me feel.. calm... to have the power.. and yet with Him, it makes me feel calm to give it.

 

[sunfox]

The Infamous Warrior Sub

I've thought maybe I'm switch because I have so much uh, fight in me. But even domming a guy online once, it felt like Work. I could do it, knew how, had the feel but it felt it ended up being more about his satisfaction and less about mine. I like to be satisfied at the end. Anyway, it feels like dommy stuff, or what feels like it in me, needs to be gotten out of my system sometime. I like to argue. Not every day but pretty often. And I fight until the mood passes or I get it all out. Then, even if I still have ammo, and could 'win,' even if the other person is still fighting, I've lost interest. It feels good to Kick Ass -- which is not something I've heard other subbies express. Maybe Sunfox? On the other hand, I suspect this need, the need to express my ability to kick ass, came from my hard upbringing.

Anyone want to share their story or comment on any of this?

Quite seriously.. I am submissive. I find satisfaction only in his satisfaction, and in submitting to his hand. I've never wanted to Domme, and cannot honestly get my head into it in the least way.

Now, as has been said, I am an ass kicker. I don't mind being argumentative, enjoying fighting the good fight, and I am no doormat or decorative kneeling object with which he props open the bedroom door. If someone else attempted to Dominate me, they would swiftly learn the error of their ways. But for him, I melt like butter, and bend this proud neck with no regrets.

As s'lara said, being submissive does not equate to a lack of desire for conflict. It is something different for every one of us. I am a fighter, I am strong willed, I am proud... and I am his.

 

[catalina_francisco]

As a submissive, how would you come to terms with the situation if ordered to perform in the Dominant role as a challenge your D wished to push? This does not necessarily mean switching roles with your Dominant, but being ordered to act as Domme/Dominant toward another, likely a stranger, in one or more scenes. Especially for those who feel totally submissive, could you do it because it was what the D in your life wished you to do, or would you feel you were compromising the essence of who you believed you were? Which force would win out...that to fulfil the command and please, or that to be who you feel you are? Is the request a way of encouraging that part of yourself which may or may not have lain dormant, to surface and explore its reality and possible vailidity?

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

While not addressed to someone like me, I can assure you that the answer I have as a Dominant who's ordered up just such a dish is that my sub had better make a damn good college try whatever they think they can and can't do.

 

[sunfox]

As a submissive, how would you come to terms with the situation if ordered to perform in the Dominant role as a challenge your D wished to push? This does not necessarily mean switching roles with your Dominant, but being ordered to act as Domme/Dominant toward another, likely a stranger, in one or more scenes. Especially for those who feel totally submissive, could you do it because it was what the D in your life wished you to do, or would you feel you were compromising the essence of who you believed you were? Which force would win out...that to fulfil the command and please, or that to be who you feel you are? Is the request a way of encouraging that part of yourself which may or may not have lain dormant, to surface and explore its reality and possible vailidity?

Catalina

If he told me to Dominate him, I would try. I doubt I would succeed to either of our satisfactions, but I would at least try to obey.

What I am is submissive, so telling him no to a simple request just because I know I'd fail miserably at it would be something I would not do. I am still submissive, regardless of the request. I am just being the best sub I can be, and trying to do what he's asked of me.

He'd probably quickly get tired of me saying, "I want you to do this, right now. If that's okay with you?"

 

[Xaria Tsunami]

Well my Mistress before, used to let me dominate only because she knew I was very afraid of how much I wanted to submit completely to her.

I know it sounds wierd but that was truely how it started...with her letting me be in control..until I just was too uncomfortable to keep up the pretence any longer...submissiveness ran to deeply in me to keep up 'switching'

So now I'm hers completely.

 

[ammre]

I definitely think i'm with you phoenix and sunfox...

People hate that horse metaphor about "breaking" someone... but in those movies where the trainer guy is "special" for some reason because of his super-de-duper animal knowledge and instincts and he's able to simply calm the wild horse with a touch or two and a carrot... yeah i'd rather see myself as that...
I'm just selective about who i submit to. I don't want just any idiot telling me what to do. If they can not hold their own in something like a verbal dual, I do not want to submit to them. I need to have a reason to really respect them and really desire to service them.

 

[catalina_francisco]

While not addressed to someone like me, I can assure you that the answer I have as a Dominant who's ordered up just such a dish is that my sub had better make a damn good college try whatever they think they can and can't do.

I can see the reasoning in this, and know another who has helped me see it.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

If he told me to Dominate him, I would try. I doubt I would succeed to either of our satisfactions, but I would at least try to obey.

What I am is submissive, so telling him no to a simple request just because I know I'd fail miserably at it would be something I would not do. I am still submissive, regardless of the request. I am just being the best sub I can be, and trying to do what he's asked of me.

He'd probably quickly get tired of me saying, "I want you to do this, right now. If that's okay with you?"

LOL, if I tried that routine I would be punished for not trying and likely he would see it as an attempt to get my own way through not complying fully to his wishes. Though he says I am the most submissive slave he has met, if he issues such an order he expects me to fulfil it to the best of my ability. He would know I could leave the 'If that's okay with you?' off, and so using it would signal to him I was trying to manipulate the situation to suit what I wanted, not what he ordered. He would not tire, instead punishing me long before he reached that point, and then order me to continue. It would take a lot of processing, but if he wishes anything, I am bound by my own sense of pride to make sure I give it my best effort and succeed for him. Damn it, I am working on that as it gets me into heaps of trouble at times, but I also thrive on challenges, the more impossible the better.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

It's ironic, but "I want you to do this right now, uh oh, are you ok?" is where I started out. Dominance may be an ingrained desire, but confidence is a learned trait and something that has to be won back when stomped out of you.

 

[catalina_francisco]

It's ironic, but "I want you to do this right now, uh oh, are you ok?" is where I started out. Dominance may be an ingrained desire, but confidence is a learned trait and something that has to be won back when stomped out of you.

Yes it does, same with submissiveness too I think. It takes confidence in your ability to succeed for the interest and pleasure of another. Being placed in the position of being asked to do something which goes against all you believed was in your repertoire of possibilities is a challenge in many ways, not just in how to make it happen and well, but how that also affects you inside and out, how you come through it, and how it plays on your insecurities in a way you never imagined possible. There is that part of you which wants to please, succeed, and another part of you which is afraid to succeed and how that success might be interpreted.

Catalina

 

[sunfox]

It's ironic, but "I want you to do this right now, uh oh, are you ok?" is where I started out. Dominance may be an ingrained desire, but confidence is a learned trait and something that has to be won back when stomped out of you.

Very true. Confidence is not a problem for me... in fact, I have a bit too much confidence at times and can come across arrogant and know it all I know you're all shocked at that.

But I am not wired for Dominance, and I simply can't wrap my mind around it. It'd be like him telling me to describe how it feels to have an orgasm as a man. *crickets chirp* I lack the equipment, so I can't describe it.

Well... I lack the ability to make myself Dominant.. so attempting it is doomed to fail. I would try... but I doubt I would succeed.

He understands that, and wouldn't ask it of me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well... I lack the ability to make myself Dominant.. so attempting it is doomed to fail. I would try... but I doubt I would succeed.

He understands that, and wouldn't ask it of me.

You are fortunate. Hmmmm, the minute I mention I couldn't do something he gets a twinkle in his eye and before I know it, it is my latest challenge to overcome. It is good in it's way though as it teaches me to use skills I have in other areas by learning to draw them out and adapt them to the situation at hand. May not be who I am, or what I would choose, but sure as all getout extends and trains me to be extremely flexible and experience some things I would never have thought could be so rewarding in obscure ways I never dreamed of. It also helps me get there against the odds in that I am not a quitter...I may sit down and scream and try to beg out of something for awhile, but eventually that inner voice kicks in and I get back up and fight back with all I have until I succeed. Drives him nuts at times I think.


Catalina

 

[shelleb4]

im right where i want to be doing what i want to do. Im experiencing things i had no idea were on the horizon a year ago.
Im married to my partner, we were vanilla, vanilla with a lot of spice sure, but nilla none the less. Im now reaping the rewards of becoming a sub. Im so not subbie in the rest of my life. Im what you describe as a alpha female, people follow/trust/respect me. I work in psychiatry, have done for over 20 yrs. Self awareness is not a new concept to me. Yet id never delved into this particular niche in my psyche. The things i experience as a sub are new. I so enthusiastic i feel like a child. Im appalled at how subbie i am, but on the flip side, it feels soooo good. I cant imaging myself allowing another this access to me, thats the trust part. After we have played, i feel so cacooned, safe, humble and relaxed. Im most at peace with my world for a couple of days. I travel on the train to work, this is where i reflect on the things i have learned, what worked well, what was difficult and why. I like it.
Then sometimes i get to top/domme, whatever? To be given the gift of my partners submission, to watch him lose the plot while you 'hold' him there, wow, it blows my mind. Its poetic and beautiful. At the same time i feel supreme, enpowered, very very clever and hot as hell. For a few days after im at my best, i am confident without effort, i feel like the girl with straw in her hair walking down the street. Its at this time that i am more creative, dynamic, risk taking, simply in a good space. Sub space or domme space, its all a good thing.
I come here with questions in my head, and there is always someone else who's been in a similar situation, facing the same challenge, me finding literotica is a very clever thing

 

[AvaAdore]

It's ironic, but "I want you to do this right now, uh oh, are you ok?" is where I started out. Dominance may be an ingrained desire, but confidence is a learned trait and something that has to be won back when stomped out of you.

yes...

i'm not sure what i can call myself at the moment.

when i was first exposed to bdsm, i instantly new i was submissive. i didnt even have to think about it. i still most identify with it too. occasionally, i want to be on top. i am a pretty crap Domme. it's exactly as Netzach said, i am constantly checking if the person is alright and i have hardly any confidence. beforehand there are all these things i want to do and want to say, but when put on the spot, i just cant!

for the most part, my bf takes the dominant role. after not doing much BDSM related for a few months, something just happened and we are back into it. i was whining about something, i cant remember what now, and he just took control. it was great. i think i'm actually starting to feel comfortable being submissive.

sorry if i'm not terribly coherent at the moment, it's quite late.

 

[Netzach]

Phoenix whips out her Akasha link a lot....
I'm too swamped to dig it out at the moment, but it's on a site called "Akasha's web" advice to new FemDoms or something like that....

For those who DO actually feel the urge to be on top and have serious misgivings about how or what comes next, I've found it to be a really well written piece of sound advice.

 

[shy slave]

Like Phoenix Stone I have tried to dominate once in the on-line chat, but after just a couple of minutes I was bored and yes, like PS, it felt like Work *yawn.*

I agree with Sunfox and Ammre in that I can't submit to just anyone.

I have spoken to several Doms through msn and 'phone calls, and met some in r/l, but never felt the need or interest to submit to them in any way, shape or form

I have been fortunate enough to have had a wonderful online D/s with someone from Lit who helped me discover who and what I am; and I am definately not a switch or Domme lolol

Switching is just not an option or an interest for me, being a Dom/me is such hard work !!!

The Dom & Master I have since met would not entertain thoughts of my being a Dom, although I can't help but suggest it sometimes ...just to annoy

Besides I am bossy enough at work ...everyone needs time out

shy slave