Feeling Blue
- Thread starter petrel
- Start date
MissTaken
Biker Chick
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2001
- Posts
- 20,570
I don't know about the rest, but yes, Shy Guy....
that sounds like a wonderful plan!
It is rainy and cold here. It is supposed to snow, and yes, Miss T is joining the Blue Club today.
Sometimes, life just sucks.
I used to tell people, and do believe that short bits of a little blueness are good for the soul. It is good to get in touch with that which makes you sad, pamper yourself a bit, think things through and then, move forward.
Sometimes, feeling blue reminds us that we are feeling human beings. Sometimes, feeling blue reminds us to focus on ourselves, for a change.
Does this sound odd? Out of touch? I hope not....
that sounds like a wonderful plan!
It is rainy and cold here. It is supposed to snow, and yes, Miss T is joining the Blue Club today.
Sometimes, life just sucks.
I used to tell people, and do believe that short bits of a little blueness are good for the soul. It is good to get in touch with that which makes you sad, pamper yourself a bit, think things through and then, move forward.
Sometimes, feeling blue reminds us that we are feeling human beings. Sometimes, feeling blue reminds us to focus on ourselves, for a change.
Does this sound odd? Out of touch? I hope not....
SpectreT
Knight in Tarnished Armor
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2001
- Posts
- 1,905
Not wierd at all. Those who know me, either here or in RL, know I'm a tad bit manic-depressive, and both of those extremes are getting weaker and less controlling of me every day. Doesn't mean I don't feel ups and downs; in fact, I'm in a hell of a lot of emotinal and psychological pain right this second, over a decision I'm trying to make. The final word in that decision will be money. If I can afford to, I'll make the move, but if I can't, I won't. Any other considerations in the decision are unimportant. As is my pain, to me. I just persevere. It's what I do.
Manic-Depression is all about "me", both ends.
"Wonderful Me" is the manic, bouncy, happy, can't fail, everything's cool side, ignoring others in favor of driving forward with my goals.
"Poor Me" is the useless, worthless, nothing I do is going to work out, and I'll never meet my goals, and nothing anyone can say about me will shake that faith in my own worthlessness.
Both cases, nothing matters, no one else. I force myself to care, to do things for others, to try, no matter how hopeless I feel, to notice others and include them, no matter how amazing I am. Because that's what all of this, be it BDSM, or the rest of your life, is all about: Other people, and your interactions with them. Do you respect them, treat them right? Or do you disregard them entirely? The choice is yours, and it defines the kind of person you are.
It's important to acknowledge your feelings, to experience them, but letting them rule you is dangerous.
In the words of Dennis Miller:
"That's just my opinion, I could be wrong."
Manic-Depression is all about "me", both ends.
"Wonderful Me" is the manic, bouncy, happy, can't fail, everything's cool side, ignoring others in favor of driving forward with my goals.
"Poor Me" is the useless, worthless, nothing I do is going to work out, and I'll never meet my goals, and nothing anyone can say about me will shake that faith in my own worthlessness.
Both cases, nothing matters, no one else. I force myself to care, to do things for others, to try, no matter how hopeless I feel, to notice others and include them, no matter how amazing I am. Because that's what all of this, be it BDSM, or the rest of your life, is all about: Other people, and your interactions with them. Do you respect them, treat them right? Or do you disregard them entirely? The choice is yours, and it defines the kind of person you are.
It's important to acknowledge your feelings, to experience them, but letting them rule you is dangerous.
In the words of Dennis Miller:
"That's just my opinion, I could be wrong."
SpectreT said:
Wow ... You've very neatly summed out exactly how my life is right at the moment, right down to the "Big Change vs Financial Constraints" angst. Add in being rather egocentric, and you have me pegged.
From one 'T' to another, thanks for sharing. I don’t feel quite so alone now. I guess misery really does love company.
-T
AnonymousSlave
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2002
- Posts
- 128
Depression...
i don't get depressed often, but i'm not unlike everyone else it does happen.
Sometimes taking the time to reflect on where you've been and where you are now, whether you only do it in your thoughts or you write it on paper, or you simply look through your photo albums, it helps to put things into perspective.
Whatever you do to overcome your depression the bottom line remains the same. If you are unhappy with your life, for whatever reason, it's up to you. You can either accept it, deal with it, or change it. The only one that's truely responsible for your happiness, is you.
i do whatever i can to make my Master comfortable, to provide Him time and a place to relax, to be pleasing to Him, to pleasure Him, to provide Him whatever i can, whatever he wishes, whether it's an ear, a beer, a whip, or a clamp.
But ultimately true happiness comes from within, no matter what others may provide.
There have been a few times as an adult when depression hit me really bad. (To me that means it lasts more than a couple hours.) There's a place i go. It's a place that i used to go, when i was a child, to think. It's a place i can go and keep to myself, it was my childhood haven. For me, since i still live in the same general area where i grew up, i can do that. But if i ever move away, i know that i'll find one just like it right around the corner.
It's a playground! i'll go and sit on a swing. Let my thoughts engulf me. i'll cry. i'll think. i'll watch the happy, playful children, and yet just keep to myself. i'll stop and remember everything that i've been through in my life and wonder why i'm feeling depressed. It's actually been quite a few years since i was last there but i know if ever i need it, there will always be a playground waiting for me.
i don't get depressed often, but i'm not unlike everyone else it does happen.
Sometimes taking the time to reflect on where you've been and where you are now, whether you only do it in your thoughts or you write it on paper, or you simply look through your photo albums, it helps to put things into perspective.
Whatever you do to overcome your depression the bottom line remains the same. If you are unhappy with your life, for whatever reason, it's up to you. You can either accept it, deal with it, or change it. The only one that's truely responsible for your happiness, is you.
i do whatever i can to make my Master comfortable, to provide Him time and a place to relax, to be pleasing to Him, to pleasure Him, to provide Him whatever i can, whatever he wishes, whether it's an ear, a beer, a whip, or a clamp.
But ultimately true happiness comes from within, no matter what others may provide.
There have been a few times as an adult when depression hit me really bad. (To me that means it lasts more than a couple hours.) There's a place i go. It's a place that i used to go, when i was a child, to think. It's a place i can go and keep to myself, it was my childhood haven. For me, since i still live in the same general area where i grew up, i can do that. But if i ever move away, i know that i'll find one just like it right around the corner.
It's a playground! i'll go and sit on a swing. Let my thoughts engulf me. i'll cry. i'll think. i'll watch the happy, playful children, and yet just keep to myself. i'll stop and remember everything that i've been through in my life and wonder why i'm feeling depressed. It's actually been quite a few years since i was last there but i know if ever i need it, there will always be a playground waiting for me.
DRxBlue
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2002
- Posts
- 891
Oohh..i LIKED that!
Thank you AnonymousSlave. That's more than just terrific advice, that was a real "slice of life".
i just wanted to say that your post really touched me, and also to welcome you to Lit. i can see that you'll be a welcome addition to our family, and you should find many kindred spirits here.
i'm also awfully glad that your life is so joyful. i think it's contagious.
Now i've got it too. But i will continue being Blue while there is a breathe in my body! (Gee...if there weren't i really would be Blue *g*)
Thank you AnonymousSlave. That's more than just terrific advice, that was a real "slice of life".
i just wanted to say that your post really touched me, and also to welcome you to Lit. i can see that you'll be a welcome addition to our family, and you should find many kindred spirits here.
i'm also awfully glad that your life is so joyful. i think it's contagious.
Now i've got it too. But i will continue being Blue while there is a breathe in my body! (Gee...if there weren't i really would be Blue *g*)
Ticklish Girl
Bloody but unbowed
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2000
- Posts
- 1,161
I get into these blue moods too. Every now and then I just feel this great wave of sadness and loneliness wash over me. I've been having some health problems, which doesn't help.
And I've been having relationship difficulties too. It isn't that I can't find someone whose interests and sexual tastes match mine. On the contrary, I've met several guys who seemed compatible with me. Things usually progress along the following lines. We talk a lot about our fantasies and other things we have in common, we see each other a few times, we get along great. Eventually we talk about getting together to act out our fantasies. But that's as far as it ever goes: talk. The guy usually vanishes at this point -- doesn't return phone calls, emails, IMs. Leaving me wondering what the hell just happened. I start to feel like a failure, like the only one in the whole world who doesn't have a partner. That's usually when the wave hits. The only thing I can do is just ride it out and try to keep busy until it goes away. Fortunately it usually does go away.
And I've been having relationship difficulties too. It isn't that I can't find someone whose interests and sexual tastes match mine. On the contrary, I've met several guys who seemed compatible with me. Things usually progress along the following lines. We talk a lot about our fantasies and other things we have in common, we see each other a few times, we get along great. Eventually we talk about getting together to act out our fantasies. But that's as far as it ever goes: talk. The guy usually vanishes at this point -- doesn't return phone calls, emails, IMs. Leaving me wondering what the hell just happened. I start to feel like a failure, like the only one in the whole world who doesn't have a partner. That's usually when the wave hits. The only thing I can do is just ride it out and try to keep busy until it goes away. Fortunately it usually does go away.
morninggirl5
Secret Dream Machine
- Joined
- May 6, 2001
- Posts
- 10,647
Ticklish Girl said:
That sums it up for me, so well. Being alone and being lonely are two completely different things and when those lonely times hit, it seems like everyone i see or talk to has the "other" that makes them complete.
I'm managing a few hours at a time to get through the days. I'm forcing myself not to think past even tomorrow (so i don't even have groceries at the moment and no plans to buy any). Eventually i'll be able to do more, but for now it's keeping me sane.
AnonymousSlave
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2002
- Posts
- 128
The blues....
i think i've posted more this weekend than i have since i've registered and if M'Lord reads this weekends posts He's gonna see me plastered all over this board. He'll probably ask me if my butt ever moved from the chair. lol But this was most definitely NOT a normal weekend, that He knows.
Morning Girl, Ticklish Girl,
i've been there. i understand what you're talking about. It was actually many years ago when i came to the conclusion that there was no such thing as 'true love'. That it really only existed in fantasy, fiction, romance novels, even erotic novels. That it simply wasn't real.
Much to the dismay of several close friends who i must admit tried very passionately yet unsuccessfully to convince me that it was real. To appease them, i concluded that ok, fine, whatever, it simply doesn't exist for me. i came to grips with that, albeit was not an easy thing to do nor did it happen overnight. But yet i learned to be happy for others in their relationships without even the slightest bit of envy.
i'd been intrigued, infatuated, but i'd certainly never been 'in love', much less felt that i was loved, truely loved. i've been married, divorced, had affairs, and various other relationships, but true love was no where to be found. i gave up the quest.
Sometimes my dears, when you stop searching for something; when you've given up; when you've moved on to other things; sometimes that's when you stumble and fall face first, looking right into the eyes of the one thing that you swore with your entire being, did not exist. Sometimes it creeps up slowly and gently overwhelms you. And sometimes it just pops up and slaps you on the ass to get your attention.
Emotions we've all got them. We don't all understand them and we don't understand them all. Much less have the ability to explain them. However, there's a book, "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman. Very interesting reading! Lots of good stuff, i recommend it.
Ok i'm gonna stop babbling now and go find something to wear to work tomorrow.
i think i've posted more this weekend than i have since i've registered and if M'Lord reads this weekends posts He's gonna see me plastered all over this board. He'll probably ask me if my butt ever moved from the chair. lol But this was most definitely NOT a normal weekend, that He knows.
Morning Girl, Ticklish Girl,
i've been there. i understand what you're talking about. It was actually many years ago when i came to the conclusion that there was no such thing as 'true love'. That it really only existed in fantasy, fiction, romance novels, even erotic novels. That it simply wasn't real.
Much to the dismay of several close friends who i must admit tried very passionately yet unsuccessfully to convince me that it was real. To appease them, i concluded that ok, fine, whatever, it simply doesn't exist for me. i came to grips with that, albeit was not an easy thing to do nor did it happen overnight. But yet i learned to be happy for others in their relationships without even the slightest bit of envy.
i'd been intrigued, infatuated, but i'd certainly never been 'in love', much less felt that i was loved, truely loved. i've been married, divorced, had affairs, and various other relationships, but true love was no where to be found. i gave up the quest.
Sometimes my dears, when you stop searching for something; when you've given up; when you've moved on to other things; sometimes that's when you stumble and fall face first, looking right into the eyes of the one thing that you swore with your entire being, did not exist. Sometimes it creeps up slowly and gently overwhelms you. And sometimes it just pops up and slaps you on the ass to get your attention.
Emotions we've all got them. We don't all understand them and we don't understand them all. Much less have the ability to explain them. However, there's a book, "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman. Very interesting reading! Lots of good stuff, i recommend it.
Ok i'm gonna stop babbling now and go find something to wear to work tomorrow.
SpectreT
Knight in Tarnished Armor
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2001
- Posts
- 1,905
Speaking of recommended Reading....
"Depression Is A Choice: Winning the Battle Without Drugs" is the title of the book; damned if I remember the author's name right now. Offers some good insight into manic-depression and what works to beat it, even when it's trying to swallow you whole.
Well, it worked for me and the author, anyway.......
"Depression Is A Choice: Winning the Battle Without Drugs" is the title of the book; damned if I remember the author's name right now. Offers some good insight into manic-depression and what works to beat it, even when it's trying to swallow you whole.
Well, it worked for me and the author, anyway.......
SpectreT
Knight in Tarnished Armor
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2001
- Posts
- 1,905
cymbidia said:
cym, you're one of my oldest friends here on Lit; you gave me the urge to use my inner strength for more than enduring my self-made hell, gave me the faith that some way, some day things would be better. All I had to do was something, and my time and life and space would change. You had faith in me when I had none in myself, and borrowed it from any outside source I could find. It's a long, hard road, and God knows you've got reason enough for your feelings and then some. You claim you've seen how far I've come in a year, where I started and where I am. That was your faith, your strength that I used to find my own.
Not today, not tomorrow, nor even the next day.... NOT EVER if you don't use that strength and faith you showed in me to help yourself. I didn't want to post this discussion in the open, but you haven't acknowledged my PM. I've never met you face to face.... though now you can see mine. But you and a few others here (who know exactly who they are... Miss T, merelan, my "clone brother" who hasn't posted in a while, Hecate, WriterDom, KillerMuffin, Risia, petrel, BlondGirl.. hell with it. the list is bloody huge) have all helped me become so much more of a complete human being through this computer screen. Don't give up on yourself. Hell, against Depression, you can't even take a break from the fight, because the fight'll be that much harder for the time you spent resting.
I hear you, cym. I've felt every bit as hopeless and lost as you can imagine and still came out the other side. Talk to me, talk to your RL speaking-to friends, be yourself, unguarded, unmasked. But don't forget there's an end to it.
rexfelis
Love the Shoulders
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2001
- Posts
- 1,234
After having gotten so worked up over my first final exam, and just getting home, I find that I am too excited to be patient enough for reading everyone's posts. But I do want to say to Petrel that I know depression and I would be there for you if I could. I would sit with you and talk with you and give you hugs and show you that I care.
I hope you are feeling better, since this thread was started a few days ago.
I hope you are feeling better, since this thread was started a few days ago.
Morning pages
Morning pages help me to recover and maintain Balance in all my emotional states, including depression. Every morning, I get up 45 minutes earlier than I need to, which in itself helps with a depression because I'm doing something that is purely for me. If it's dark, I light candles and get into the mystery of the waking world, and I light some incense. Then, I write by hand three pages of stream of consciousness. Nothing brilliant, no editing; don't even bother re-reading them. I just let the thoughts stream and scream across my page. As I do so, I find myself connecting closer and closer with who I "really" am that day, what I'm "really" feeling, and why. Oftentimes, the solution lies within the quietest aspect of my self that only feels safe to speak up in such moments of introspection. When I write my morning pages, I find out what I really want to do for myself that will make me happy.
That's not to say that morning pages will solve my financial crises, relationship crises, etc. However, they will help me to figure out what's the real source, what's just a sympton, and what my self wants me to do about the problem. If I do those things, both big and wonderfully, self-indulgently, self lovingly small, then yes, I do feel better.
I offer this as a loving suggestion to all of you.
Morning pages help me to recover and maintain Balance in all my emotional states, including depression. Every morning, I get up 45 minutes earlier than I need to, which in itself helps with a depression because I'm doing something that is purely for me. If it's dark, I light candles and get into the mystery of the waking world, and I light some incense. Then, I write by hand three pages of stream of consciousness. Nothing brilliant, no editing; don't even bother re-reading them. I just let the thoughts stream and scream across my page. As I do so, I find myself connecting closer and closer with who I "really" am that day, what I'm "really" feeling, and why. Oftentimes, the solution lies within the quietest aspect of my self that only feels safe to speak up in such moments of introspection. When I write my morning pages, I find out what I really want to do for myself that will make me happy.
That's not to say that morning pages will solve my financial crises, relationship crises, etc. However, they will help me to figure out what's the real source, what's just a sympton, and what my self wants me to do about the problem. If I do those things, both big and wonderfully, self-indulgently, self lovingly small, then yes, I do feel better.
I offer this as a loving suggestion to all of you.
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
I thank all for thier kindnesses and wish i could offer a hug of commiseration to the others among us who are feeling blue - or worse than blue.
My life is...different than it was last year at this time. Totally, completely, 180 degrees different.
Growth and change, even if one embraces it eagerly, can be horribly painful. It can be scary. It can make you feel like puking at tleast half the time. (Yes. I do know that from personal experience.)
For now, my life moves around a lot.
Better.
Worse.
Up.
Down.
~shrug~
My life's a fucking seesaw, to be honest, something that was always my least favorite piece of playground equipment.
When i feel overwhelmed, i try to focus on one problem at a time and let the others just kinda drift over there someplace to be attended to later. ("Try to" was the salient part of that sentence. You caught that, right?)
But i continue to breathe in and out.
Today i did two good things for myself.
1. I gave blood. Doesn't seem like much, i know, but i've spent my entire adult life giving blood very regularly. When i got pregnant with my son six years ago, though, i stopped. (One cannot give blood when she's pregnant.) Life happened, not much of it good, quite frankly, and now it's six years later.
So i went in there today, told them i'd given aot of bllod in the past and was here to begin again. They looked me up, found me still in the sys, told it that this donation would be the end of my 9th gallon, and to go have a seat and fill this out.
A half hour later, i was out of there, a bright pink pressure thing wrapping my wound. (Hmmmm... pink, i thought as they put it on, what a nice color for a blindfold...).
2. I got my eyes checked. I had lasik surgery five years ago and have been having some vision problems of late. I've been scared to death, really frightened in a fundamental manner, that i was going blind or my lasik stuff was failing or something.
Not so, said the eye doc. Stop stressing. It's causing your eyes to go all wild. You've got great eyesight.
So. What good things did you do for yourself today, O Fellow Depressed Ones?
Name one.
Yes, you must.
Just one tiny one.
MG5, i believe it's your turn. (I'm worried about you and concerned for you, darlin'.)
My life is...different than it was last year at this time. Totally, completely, 180 degrees different.
Growth and change, even if one embraces it eagerly, can be horribly painful. It can be scary. It can make you feel like puking at tleast half the time. (Yes. I do know that from personal experience.)
For now, my life moves around a lot.
Better.
Worse.
Up.
Down.
~shrug~
My life's a fucking seesaw, to be honest, something that was always my least favorite piece of playground equipment.
When i feel overwhelmed, i try to focus on one problem at a time and let the others just kinda drift over there someplace to be attended to later. ("Try to" was the salient part of that sentence. You caught that, right?)
But i continue to breathe in and out.
Today i did two good things for myself.
1. I gave blood. Doesn't seem like much, i know, but i've spent my entire adult life giving blood very regularly. When i got pregnant with my son six years ago, though, i stopped. (One cannot give blood when she's pregnant.) Life happened, not much of it good, quite frankly, and now it's six years later.
So i went in there today, told them i'd given aot of bllod in the past and was here to begin again. They looked me up, found me still in the sys, told it that this donation would be the end of my 9th gallon, and to go have a seat and fill this out.
A half hour later, i was out of there, a bright pink pressure thing wrapping my wound. (Hmmmm... pink, i thought as they put it on, what a nice color for a blindfold...).
2. I got my eyes checked. I had lasik surgery five years ago and have been having some vision problems of late. I've been scared to death, really frightened in a fundamental manner, that i was going blind or my lasik stuff was failing or something.
Not so, said the eye doc. Stop stressing. It's causing your eyes to go all wild. You've got great eyesight.
So. What good things did you do for yourself today, O Fellow Depressed Ones?
Name one.
Yes, you must.
Just one tiny one.
MG5, i believe it's your turn. (I'm worried about you and concerned for you, darlin'.)
Ebonyfire
Ball Stretcher
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 11,729
Speaking of movies
I collect movie musicals. Especially the ones with Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor, Fred Astaire. I also have new ones too.
But when I am depressed there are three of them that really cheer me up!
Brigadoon, with Gene Kelly, Van Johnson, and Cyd Charisse; Singing in the Rain, with Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor, and Debbei Reynolds; and The Band Wagon with Fred Astaire, Jack Buchanan and Cyd Charisse. I have played them so much I know all of the songs. I get to singing and dancing, and the next thing I know I feel fantastic!
Ebony
SierraMoon said:Glad you are feeling a bit better today, petrel... whenever i'm feeling down, i go in and run a hot bath, light a bunch of candles in my bathroom, have a glass of wine, and just lean back and relax... letting all my problems flow out of me.. it almost always helps.... or, i will pop in a movie.. comedy always, and forget my problems exist for atleast the 2 hours while the movie is playing...
i hope you are back to feeling good very soon!! hugs to all... sierra
I collect movie musicals. Especially the ones with Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor, Fred Astaire. I also have new ones too.
But when I am depressed there are three of them that really cheer me up!
Brigadoon, with Gene Kelly, Van Johnson, and Cyd Charisse; Singing in the Rain, with Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor, and Debbei Reynolds; and The Band Wagon with Fred Astaire, Jack Buchanan and Cyd Charisse. I have played them so much I know all of the songs. I get to singing and dancing, and the next thing I know I feel fantastic!
Ebony
lilfrk
Suzy Suck Slut
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2000
- Posts
- 7,476
April Is Almost Over Right?
That's what I keep thinking to myself as this month goes on and on and on. God it just HAS to end soon.
April has never been a good month for me. It's the month that I saved myself from a living hell when I was 15. I turned my mother's drunken child molesting ass of a boy friend into the police and they whisked me away to a "safe" place. To my father who didn't want me.
I think to myself that if I lived through that I can live through this right?
Way in the begining of april my friend and co worker of 11 years was murdered by her abusive husband. I had watched him gradually isolate her and take away the Patti I knew and loved. She was an amazing woman. When I met her she was recovering from being an alcoholic and trying to get her son back and going to school to be an RN. I learned so much from her. And I saw her slowly slide back into her old life of abusive men and drinking. I watched her lose her son all over again and I thought to myself good god why? Now I know the answer to all that. She was caught in the cycle again. She was drowing and I couldn't save her.
I was at work that night when they brought her in, she was a full code. No heartbeat, no breathing. I wasn't at the code I was upstairs working with her mother. One of the members of the code team came upstairs and told me who the code was and what happened. I sat with Patti's mom on the floor while she cried after she was told that her daughter was dead. The cycle of life had been broken. A parent was going to bury a child and that is just wrong in my book.
In the end to police did their job well and Patti's husband is now in jail awaiting trial for killing her. In a way it makes it a little easier in a way it doesn't because it should have never happened.
A few days after Patti's funeral another friend of mine slipped into a severe depression and tried to kill himself. I got him help, I sat with him in an ER waiting for a crisis worker to come talk to us. I held him while he shook and cried. He is so very broken I hope he can see out of this horrible spot and go on and live a wonderful life.
These things have brought all my stuff back to me. I'm having flashbacks to the abuse that I lived through at my mother's house. I smell beer everywhere in my house and there's never been beer in it the entire time I've lived here. I left a bruise on my Man's rib cage the other night while we slept. Evidently he rolled over and touched me just right and I elbowed the hell out of him for it. I've lost 15 lbs in 3 weeks and my BP is up a little bit.
I think I'm over the drowing part of all these things and working my way toward shore again. At least I hope I am. I've seen my family doctor and a counselor. I'm trying to stay on top of it all.
I did do for myself yesterday and today. Yesterday I went and shopped alone for a couple of hours. I let myself buy whatever I wanted. I didn't get a lot or spend a lot but it was just the idea of it that helped I think. Today I made a big pot of potato soup and read. That too was lovely.
Slowly my life is coming back to me and I'm glad for it. To all of you that are also struggling my thoughts are with you. Find someone to talk to at the very least.
That's what I keep thinking to myself as this month goes on and on and on. God it just HAS to end soon.
April has never been a good month for me. It's the month that I saved myself from a living hell when I was 15. I turned my mother's drunken child molesting ass of a boy friend into the police and they whisked me away to a "safe" place. To my father who didn't want me.
I think to myself that if I lived through that I can live through this right?
Way in the begining of april my friend and co worker of 11 years was murdered by her abusive husband. I had watched him gradually isolate her and take away the Patti I knew and loved. She was an amazing woman. When I met her she was recovering from being an alcoholic and trying to get her son back and going to school to be an RN. I learned so much from her. And I saw her slowly slide back into her old life of abusive men and drinking. I watched her lose her son all over again and I thought to myself good god why? Now I know the answer to all that. She was caught in the cycle again. She was drowing and I couldn't save her.
I was at work that night when they brought her in, she was a full code. No heartbeat, no breathing. I wasn't at the code I was upstairs working with her mother. One of the members of the code team came upstairs and told me who the code was and what happened. I sat with Patti's mom on the floor while she cried after she was told that her daughter was dead. The cycle of life had been broken. A parent was going to bury a child and that is just wrong in my book.
In the end to police did their job well and Patti's husband is now in jail awaiting trial for killing her. In a way it makes it a little easier in a way it doesn't because it should have never happened.
A few days after Patti's funeral another friend of mine slipped into a severe depression and tried to kill himself. I got him help, I sat with him in an ER waiting for a crisis worker to come talk to us. I held him while he shook and cried. He is so very broken I hope he can see out of this horrible spot and go on and live a wonderful life.
These things have brought all my stuff back to me. I'm having flashbacks to the abuse that I lived through at my mother's house. I smell beer everywhere in my house and there's never been beer in it the entire time I've lived here. I left a bruise on my Man's rib cage the other night while we slept. Evidently he rolled over and touched me just right and I elbowed the hell out of him for it. I've lost 15 lbs in 3 weeks and my BP is up a little bit.
I think I'm over the drowing part of all these things and working my way toward shore again. At least I hope I am. I've seen my family doctor and a counselor. I'm trying to stay on top of it all.
I did do for myself yesterday and today. Yesterday I went and shopped alone for a couple of hours. I let myself buy whatever I wanted. I didn't get a lot or spend a lot but it was just the idea of it that helped I think. Today I made a big pot of potato soup and read. That too was lovely.
Slowly my life is coming back to me and I'm glad for it. To all of you that are also struggling my thoughts are with you. Find someone to talk to at the very least.
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
lilfrk?
You are so strong, so sane, so courageous.
I've watched you, heard you, felt you, seen you bloom and take on strength in the last year. You're...amazing. You made me cry with the above, not for you, not for me, but because if you can overcome what i know you've been through (and you know i know some of the behind-the-scenes-stuff, too) then i can overcome my problems.
The best human spirit is explemplified in your words: strong, proud, fierce, resiliant, determined. I want to be like that, like you, you when i come out of my time of trial.
b.
You are so strong, so sane, so courageous.
I've watched you, heard you, felt you, seen you bloom and take on strength in the last year. You're...amazing. You made me cry with the above, not for you, not for me, but because if you can overcome what i know you've been through (and you know i know some of the behind-the-scenes-stuff, too) then i can overcome my problems.
The best human spirit is explemplified in your words: strong, proud, fierce, resiliant, determined. I want to be like that, like you, you when i come out of my time of trial.
b.
morninggirl5
Secret Dream Machine
- Joined
- May 6, 2001
- Posts
- 10,647
I'm here, cym. Yesterday was a good day, today just crashed somewhere in the middle. I had to do some stuff for graduation (it's in two weeks) and it all came rushing in again. My grandparents aren't planning on coming for my graduation. I've made all the justifications but it doesn't matter. My heart just sees another instance when what i want and need is ignored.
I really hope that everyone who has been feeling down has found something joyful in the day or week. Thanks to all the kind messages of support - I have pulled myself up a bit again now.
Its hard when one thing happens after another and you just feel like you can't cope anymore - I am lucky in having a strong and supportive partner and a lvoing family but I can still feel isolated as I have managed ot make very few close friends in the city in which I live and work.
I have been struggling to continue my degree part-time as well as working and preparing for my wedding in 7 weeks time. My job suddenyl got a lot more stressful and has now alot more responsibility than it did back in September when I signed up for this course and I am fidnign it impossible to come in and find time to study sceince books after a whole day of solving problems at work - everything to doing the end of year financil reports for the company to deciding what to do about a (very young) co-worker who keeps wearing totally innapropriate clothing to work.
aaaaaaaaaarcgh.
on top of all of that my best freidn who is in a somewhat repressive and unhappy marriage has just found out his wife has cancer (secondary) he was thinking about the marriage and whether it was right for him but now he will stay and sacrifice himself aas she is ill - and I need to be there for him.
You know I wish someone would hand me enoguh money to go back to university fulltime so I could stop this juggling act but hey - life isn't easy. I am amazed at the things that some people have coem through and I wish that I had even half of their strength - best wishes and joy to everyone who is struggling to make sense of things right now - we will get through this
Its hard when one thing happens after another and you just feel like you can't cope anymore - I am lucky in having a strong and supportive partner and a lvoing family but I can still feel isolated as I have managed ot make very few close friends in the city in which I live and work.
I have been struggling to continue my degree part-time as well as working and preparing for my wedding in 7 weeks time. My job suddenyl got a lot more stressful and has now alot more responsibility than it did back in September when I signed up for this course and I am fidnign it impossible to come in and find time to study sceince books after a whole day of solving problems at work - everything to doing the end of year financil reports for the company to deciding what to do about a (very young) co-worker who keeps wearing totally innapropriate clothing to work.
aaaaaaaaaarcgh.
on top of all of that my best freidn who is in a somewhat repressive and unhappy marriage has just found out his wife has cancer (secondary) he was thinking about the marriage and whether it was right for him but now he will stay and sacrifice himself aas she is ill - and I need to be there for him.
You know I wish someone would hand me enoguh money to go back to university fulltime so I could stop this juggling act but hey - life isn't easy. I am amazed at the things that some people have coem through and I wish that I had even half of their strength - best wishes and joy to everyone who is struggling to make sense of things right now - we will get through this
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
You know, mg, i don't think i've ever seen you as low as you are now. I've read all the stuff you've posted in the GB, too, on other threads sorta like this one. I think i know what someof your issues are and...morninggirl5 said:
it sucks.
All of it. It just sucks. Endlessly. Achingly.
And you can't do much about it, either, except will yourself into taking the next step of the day, something you're already doing.
But you know what?
Nothing stays THAT sucky forever. I know it feels like it will. I know you cannot see an end. I know you're almost too shell-shocked , so to speak, from all the recent and not-so-recent disappointments and needs-unmet to anticipate any kinda ending to the pain anytime ever - but it will end.
You're graduating. You're grandparents won't be there, but it doesn't lessen your achievement. It doesn't lessen the fierceness of the pride you *have* to feel in getting so far by sheer application of will.
Your students love you. Could they love someone who was unloveable? Would they care so much for someone who was inherently of no worth?
You know, mg, it's time to begin taking a tiny little baby step toward feeling better every single day, even when you're having a bad day. Maybe it's most important on those bad days, darlin', the days where we feel the awful sucking blackness draining us of hope and life.
Go get some Ben and Jerry's on days like that.
Take a walk to watch the river for awhile.
Write a letter to yourself and walk to the post office to mail it.
Keep breathing, mg.
Tiny baby steps.
Just like T said up there aways, Talk to me, talk to your RL speaking-to friends, be yourself, unguarded, unmasked. But don't forget there's an end to it.
b.
cellis
Saucy
- Joined
- Oct 2, 2001
- Posts
- 4,186
I don't know if it is something in the water or the air or what... but I so understand the blues... prevasive and overwhelming... even my horoscope recognizes what I am feeling and I have never had that happen before.
So now I am trying something different, to move me from the overwhelming sadness that I have been feeling and cannot seem to shake. I don't know that I have ever in my life felt this much sadness for no reason... Anyway, I started a new journal, and rather than try to force the sadness away, I have decided to try and honor it, to look for the root cause and to deal with it, so that I can move forward from it.
While generally quiet and introspective, I am not morose or sad. All of this is new to me. I am just trying to take it a little at a time.
So now I am trying something different, to move me from the overwhelming sadness that I have been feeling and cannot seem to shake. I don't know that I have ever in my life felt this much sadness for no reason... Anyway, I started a new journal, and rather than try to force the sadness away, I have decided to try and honor it, to look for the root cause and to deal with it, so that I can move forward from it.
While generally quiet and introspective, I am not morose or sad. All of this is new to me. I am just trying to take it a little at a time.
lilfrk
Suzy Suck Slut
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2000
- Posts
- 7,476
cymbidia said:lilfrk?
You are so strong, so sane, so courageous.
I've watched you, heard you, felt you, seen you bloom and take on strength in the last year. You're...amazing. You made me cry with the above, not for you, not for me, but because if you can overcome what i know you've been through (and you know i know some of the behind-the-scenes-stuff, too) then i can overcome my problems.
The best human spirit is explemplified in your words: strong, proud, fierce, resiliant, determined. I want to be like that, like you, you when i come out of my time of trial.
b.
I've read this like a dozen times and I'm still amazed that you think all those things of me. Because I can honestly tell you I feel like none of those things. And the part that you say you want to be like me is funny to me a little. I've always thought to myself that I want to be like you. I want to know the stuff you know, be confident enough in myself to do the things you do.
Your post made me cry. I think those are the nicest words I've ever heard someone say about me and for that I thank you. Those words mean a lot to me.
Today is a hard day for me. I had to make a choice I didn't like and prayed to the gods that it would all work out. My friend that tried to kill himself was sent home with me and my family last wednesday. While he was here he was supposed to work on getting better and getting his life in order. Well, he hasn't. He chose to party all weekend and avoid it all. Yesterday when he couldn't run anymore and he had to deal. He didn't deal so well. He hurt himself again and then to manipulate me he showed me because he knew it would get a reaction out of me.
I took care of him the best way I knew how and when I found out he was fine. I lost my cool with him. Told him I was sorry that my friendship and my family wasn't enough for him. That all we gave him wasn't enough. And last but not least that he was grown and it was time to stand on his own two feet. He went home to his apartment that his ex gf cleaned out while he was in the hospital and had to deal some more.
I can't make him better. I can't make him do the stuff he needs to do. I'm not his mom. I'm not his babysitter. I'm not his therapist. I'm his friend. I will have one more conversation with him about the boundries and call it good. He'll have to do the rest himself. He will do what he needs to or he won't. If he gets really sick again I'll take him to the right people. I've talked to his Doctor and was told that this is the only thing I can do at this point.
I need to keep myself well. I have a family and a Man that loves me. I work in a wonderful place that supports me. I have good friends in rl and here. I will be ok.
Right now I'm going to enjoy my silence before my peanut gets home with a cup of tea. Then I'm going to sit and giggle with her at The Rugrats and make BLT's for us. When my Man and I pass at the door tonight as he gets home from work and I go to work. I will kiss him and enjoy his arms around me and know that I am loved like no other.
To whoever reads this...Thank you for taking the time and reading my struggle. If you are also struggling know that you're not alone and that slowly as you breath it will get better. Write it down or talk to someone. Just seeing it or hearing it makes it just a tiny bit easier. I wish you all the best.
~A
My ego just joined the rest of my masochistic body, in bruises.
I miss hunny but he's off studying, plus this isn't r/t trouble so he doesn't really know what to say.
I'm on my period and overreacting and I don't advise reading this thread if you're looking to feel better. I don't know why I'm posting, because I don't feel like I belong on this forum. I feel like I should go play in a sandbox with the other children and leave the big people's world to the big people.
Harsh words from someone you admire...such a small thing, to marr a fairly happy day and set me off like this. I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm a happy person. I'm just fairly unstable while I'm bleeding, and more and more I'm losing my mature persona.
I miss hunny but he's off studying, plus this isn't r/t trouble so he doesn't really know what to say.
I'm on my period and overreacting and I don't advise reading this thread if you're looking to feel better. I don't know why I'm posting, because I don't feel like I belong on this forum. I feel like I should go play in a sandbox with the other children and leave the big people's world to the big people.
Harsh words from someone you admire...such a small thing, to marr a fairly happy day and set me off like this. I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm a happy person. I'm just fairly unstable while I'm bleeding, and more and more I'm losing my mature persona.
