Feedback requested on published story about young woman entering into BDSM

[Thoggy]

Hello...

I recently published my 4th story here on Lit. It is a little different than my other ones, which were all stand alone stories. The idea with this one is to explore a young woman's journey into BDSM.

I would very much appreciate some feedback from you savvy Lit writers and readers. I am particularly concerned as to whether there is too much build up in this first chapter. I tried to regularly interject sexual aspects, but I needed to set the stage.

The link is the first one in my signature and the story is called Broker of Record.

Honest feedback is very much appreciated. Dishonest but complimentary feedback will be printed, framed and perhaps mailed out to all my friends.

T

 

[Thoggy]

Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

T

 

[lovecraft68]

Hello...

I recently published my 4th story here on Lit. It is a little different than my other ones, which were all stand alone stories. The idea with this one is to explore a young woman's journey into BDSM.

I would very much appreciate some feedback from you savvy Lit writers and readers. I am particularly concerned as to whether there is too much build up in this first chapter. I tried to regularly interject sexual aspects, but I needed to set the stage.

The link is the first one in my signature and the story is called Broker of Record.

Honest feedback is very much appreciated. Dishonest but complimentary feedback will be printed, framed and perhaps mailed out to all my friends.

T

I liked it., the writing is good and the sex pretty good. My personal style in r/l has always been on the demeaning side so I thought the dialogue was good.

I think my only issue-and I can't really hold it against you- is the over done premise. Newbie watching the dom with his sub with the mixed emotions and part of her not into it, but drawn to it anyway.

You just sort of know where it will all go. But again, erotica is built on tropes so for what it is a good effort.

I got a personal kick out of the names you chose. Both Megan and Allison are featured in long series of mine that I have published. But neither is submissive.

I will be sure to watch for the follow up.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Mostly good, but one thing I noticed:

The office was busy and every few seconds someone walked by her, on the way in or out, or going from one part of the office to another. ...

Earlier that morning as she prepared for work, Alison had almost had a panic attack as she tried to decide what to wear. Just out of the shower, Alison had stood looking at her closet, applying moisturizer to her body.

So far, so good. By shifting from simple past tense ("the office was busy") to past perfect ("Alison had stood looking at her closet") you've separated the two scenes. But then...

As she assessed her clothes, Alison filled her hands with moisturizer and smoothed it on her skin. Sliding her hands down from her neck to her breasts, she massaged the cream in.

Now you've drifted back to simple past. This leaves me confused - when did we get back to the office? Is she doing this in front of all those people? Oh, wait, we're still in flashback but the tense has changed.

Carrying past perfect for an extended scene is awkward and unwieldy, but there are other ways to mark out a flashback. It could be done something like this:

Alison tried to keep focused on her thoughts, on how she needed to act today, on her first day on the job. With each glance from a passerby she couldn't help but focus on how she looked and whether she was dressed appropriately.

Earlier that morning

As she prepared for work, Alison almost had a panic attack as she tried to decide what to wear.

That way you can keep the flashback in simple past, which is less cumbersome for a long scene, except for when you're using past perfect to flash further back to the ex-boyfriend.

 

[Curiosity27]

your story

I will look for it and read it; let you know what I think about it. Sounds like fun!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

First off, you have talent. But your talent is like the healthy recruit the Marine drill instructor encounters the first day of basic training. In 8 weeks maybe he can change a healthy kid into something with disciplined skills and reliable performance.

Continuing with the military metaphor, your style reminds me of the Marine recruit moving thru the supply depot collecting blankets and sheets and shoes and hats and boxers and etc at every station along the way. Its overwhelming to collect much less sort out as you go.

Your intro is OK. I like how you reveal Allisons? character, one piece at a time: she's anxious, she's paranoid, she's self absorbed, she's a door mat, etc. And folks go thru the motions with her without really taking care of business. How you illustrate it is good. So the intro works. It aint lovely but you got the idea. Wax on, wax off, Daniel-san.

 

[Thoggy]

Some fantastic feedback..so thank you all. I shall review and revise.

Cheers.

T

 

[AMoveableBeast]

Mostly good, but one thing I noticed:



So far, so good. By shifting from simple past tense ("the office was busy") to past perfect ("Alison had stood looking at her closet") you've separated the two scenes. But then...



Now you've drifted back to simple past. This leaves me confused - when did we get back to the office? Is she doing this in front of all those people? Oh, wait, we're still in flashback but the tense has changed.

Carrying past perfect for an extended scene is awkward and unwieldy, but there are other ways to mark out a flashback. It could be done something like this:



That way you can keep the flashback in simple past, which is less cumbersome for a long scene, except for when you're using past perfect to flash further back to the ex-boyfriend.

The past perfect tense is one of my least favorite playmates, yet I constantly find myself in the sandbox with this one. It is so stilted, yet so seductive. Your solution is interesting. I only worry that it seems disjointed in its own way. It seems...dramatic, I suppose, almost serial, very "meanwhile, back at the mansion." Perhaps I am bringing my own bias to the discussion.

 

[RuzieD]

Hey I had a few comments, but then they got deleted. I noticed this though:

"Jack..not here baby, let's go to --"

Once again Jack interrupted Megan in mid-sentence and Alison felt her panties go damp as he spoke.

"Don't question me Megan. I want your mouth on my cock. Get on your knees."

Here you have "tell the reader" what happens. Then you have also have a "show the reader" what happens. You also telegraphed the effect before the cause. Removing the telling here. It's redundant and telegraphs a good surprise.

The boyfriend that cheated on her had said he wasn't comfortable with it as he felt it was degrading for her to be on her knees before him like that. Given he had been fucking around, Alison suspected he didn't want her to smell the other girl on him.

It makes complete sense that this bf would have been lying.

Jack must have been deep in Megan's mouth because everyone once in a while Alison could hear her gag a bit as his cock hit the back of her throat.

This could be shortened. Let the reader imagine what the sound of harsh gagging sound mean. You don't have to spell it out for us.

I thought the rest of the sex scene worked very well. There's no question in my mind what kind of guy Jack is. I'd like a little bit more visual description of him. What about him is a handsome face? How old was he? What is wearing? A female friend told me that a well pressed suit is on a man is like hot lingerie on a model.

Additionally, I thought the opening scene in which the MC was changing and dressing did a great job of describing her physically in an indirect kind of way. I got a little bit of an impression of what kind of person she was from that scene. Maybe you add more to her emotional state and what it is she wants (besides sex) there?

Overall, good start for a story.

 

[desertslave]

I'm only in the middle of the story, but one thing that stands out to me is overuse of the passive voice. Just skimming the first sentence of several paragraphs:

Since she was a girl...
Alison had hated being in the spotlight since she was a girl.

As she assessed her clothes...
Alison filled her hands with moisturizer and smoothed it on her skin as she considered her choices. (This part of the paragraph is actually redundant to the previous paragraph.)

As she thought back...
Alison felt a stirring in her pussy as she thought back to her most recent ex, and the way he would suck and bite her nipples.

While she didn't like it as much...
Alison knew that she had a good ass, though she didn't like it as much as her tits.


The rewrites just make the sentences a little stronger, and the structure is less repetitive. There are some grammar errors here and there, as well, which a vigilant editor could fix.

Content-wise, the story is fun and hot! I'll look forward to the next installment.

 

[Thoggy]

Hello kind citizens of Lit!

At long last, I got off my ass and took your suggestions and did a major edit to my Broker of Record story. I would say it is about 25% new, particularly at the beginning, where I rearranged some of the sequences to get out of that pesky passive past pasterson tense. As you can tell, grammar is my forte. Spelling is also my fort.

So thank you to those who were kind enough to pass on thoughts. It feels like a better read to me now, but I just edited the damn thing so who knows. I have also written and posted chapter 2 in the story, in which I have hopefully not replicated all the mistakes you helped me work on before.

Thoughts, comments, suggestions and crudely drawn representations of what you want me to do to you are of course welcome.

T

PS - I am serious about that crudely drawn bit. No high quality art permitted.
PPS - Links to the revised story and the new chapter are below.

 

[sr71plt]

You stand a greater chance of having it checked out if you give a link to it.

 

[Thoggy]

Hello...

Links are in my signature, as I said in a postscript.

Cheers.

T

 

[sr71plt]

Many posters have the sig lines turned off (I do). And you're the one asking for the help, so . . .

 

[lovecraft68]

Many posters have the sig lines turned off (I do). And you're the one asking for the help, so . . .

Not everyone knows about that feature, especially people who don't post that often.

 

[sr71plt]

And now he/she does and has the opportunity to reach more prospective commenters--because someone took the time and effort to let her/him know about it.

 

[lovecraft68]

And now he/she does and has the opportunity to reach more prospective commenters--because someone took the time and effort to let her/him know about it.

True, but you followed it up with....

And you're the one asking for the help, so . . .

Is it that you truly do not know how not to be snarky?

 

[sr71plt]

What is certain is that you are so obsessed and sick that I have you following me around with your nose up my ass looking for any opportunity to be a flaming asshole.

I'm trying to help the poster; you are trying to pursue a stupid hate campaign that is tying this forum up in knots.

squeal, squeal, little piggy.

 

[Thoggy]

Hello..

I didn't actually realize that you could turn off signatures, so apologies on that.

NEW STORY Broker of Record, Chapter 2
http://www.literotica.com/s/broker-of-record-ch-02

REVISED STORY Broker of Record, Chapter 1
http://www.literotica.com/s/broker-of-record

Hopefully the above links work, otherwise I will require you to drive to my house to pick up a copy of the story I printed on my dot matrix printer.

Cheers.

T

 

[painful_rapture]

I liked the first and second chapters both. I understand what some people were saying about the sentence structuring issues. Although, in my opinion, it didn't detract from the entertainment. I like the build up, it's not too slow of a story (again, just my opinion). I can't wait to see what you come up with next

 

[Thoggy]

Thanks P_R..

I actually made significant edits to the first chapter to deal with all of those issues of awkwardness when having the main character think back to earlier times. Basically moved all of the "Alison thought back to that morning" sections to come first and then tweaked a lot as well.

Sigh..I barely remember what it looked like before at this point!

At any rate..appreciate the feedback and glad it wasn't too slow!

T