Feedback please

[Natural Born Eros]

Well, I've been around Lit for a while now, I've posted five stories (gulp) and even a poem, and I've received lots of votes and lots of feedback, positive negative. Its been a great experience. I'm a little older, and, I hope, a little wiser as a writer of erotica.

My new story, "Creating Jenny," is an attempt to combine my non-erotic writing style and approach with the lessons I have learnt from reading and writing erotica. It is an attempt to write something more "artistic." I thoroughly enjoyed writing it, but when I read it, I feel unsatisfied. It may need a re-work, or perhaps I need to take the same approach to a new story.

I'd love to know what other people think of this story. Feel free to be as negative as you like!

Cheers

Eros

 

[English Lady]

Ok here goes. As I always say these are just my opinions and i am not very good at picking up actual techinical faults so i'll just let you know what i think.


This has the makings of a good story. there are some flashes of wonderfully poetic writing

"She was laughing, both at his behaviour, which she found outrageously wonderful, and at the pure intoxicating joy of her first days without inhibitions. "

personally i love that line!

But...(you knew there was a but didn't you) I felt like you said "unsatisfied" by the peice as a whole. I didn't like the beginning lines, to be honest if i was just reading this story for my own pleasue I probably wouldn't have got past the first few lines.


I personally don't feel this story is personal enough. there isn't enough interaction between the characters, there is no conversation and for me that makes the whole thing seem very distant.

I don't find the woman's actions believeable. A shy woman who is just begining to loose her inhabitions masturbating infront of a guy? to me that seems a little far fetched!


Also i did't feel any attachment to wither of the characters so basically i didn't care what they did because i didn't feel pulled into the story at all.

I just don't FEEL the story. If you see what I mean


I really liked the writing style and as i say there are soem lovely poetic phrases in there it just doesn't seem to work as a whole..

i hope you find my comments helpful....

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Ambitious try, and that's appreciated. But It doesn't work for me.

Fist of all, I've got to mention that you have comma trouble: too many of them. Check out this sentence:

"That evening, he came to her flat, and told her to pack, just a few things."

You don't need the first three commas. There are other examples too, though it does get a lot better after the first few paragraphs.

I don't think there's any way you can pull off a change like Jenny goes through in two or three paragraphs. It's just too fairy tale and too simplistic. We all know that a person won't change like that just from getting her hair redone and new make up. It's just not real.

I'm not sure what Jenny's remake has to do with the rest of the story, which is basically a sex scene on a beach. Does it matter that's Jenny's a new person? Couldn't she just as well have been hot all along? I think you were aiming at a Pygmalion type thing where he gets to enjoy the wanton creature he's created, but that doesn't come through at all.

There were a lot of places where I got confused as well. She's sitting on the top of the back seat of the car? Going down a twisty, treacherous coastal highway in Mexico. I don't think anyone in their right mind would do that. Mexican highways are notorious for what you suddenly meet coming around a turn: A burro, someone sleeping in the road, a bus doing 100 km/hr coming the other way.

Then she feels silk against her leg. I assume that she's wearing a silk skirt. But then it turns out she's wearing a bikini. No, a bikini top with a skirt. What is she wearing?

I also got lost during the sex. I couldn't tell if they were sitting, standing, or she was standing and he was sitting.

Here's my guess: I think you wanted to tell a story about Adam's turning Jenny into a new person and then taking her to Mexico where they made love on the beach for the first time and he got to enjoy the person he'd turned her into. This is a very ambitious theme, and I just don't think it's possible to do it in so short a space.

The real heart of the story would be Jenny's transformation; the sex then would really be a little coda at the end. As it is now, I don't think you've accomplished it, but you get points for trying.

---dr.M.

 

[cherrylips_au]

I liked the story and unlike the dr I understood what was going on at the beach.

But I have to agree with his comments about Jenny's transformation.

I think you need to concerntrate on expressing that part of the story more. On how "Jenny" was created from "Jennifer", not just the things that we can see, but why they change.

A shy woman doesn't become an exhibionist just by changing her clothes. So how does he make this change in her? You have that Adam's goal was to make her young again but this doesn't equate into the display she shows.

One of my favourite lines is "She was a tiny boat, lost in the ocean
around her as she came violently."

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Eros

Hello Eros,

I've said it before, but I'm sure you won't mind me saying it again, you have a lovely romantic quality about your writing. This latest story of yours is a classic 'Eros'.


I would like to first comment on the other's feedback, simply because they've raised some excellent points.

I didn't like the beginning lines, to be honest if i was just reading this story for my own pleasue I probably wouldn't have got past the first few lines.

Everyone who comes here (no pun intended) has an incredible choice of stories. If we don't like get 'hooked' in the first few lines, there's a good chance we'll just back click. Your opening sentences here are nice and sexy, but they don't quite 'hook'.

I personally don't feel this story is personal enough. There isn't enough interaction between the characters, there is no conversation and for me that makes the whole thing seem very distant.

I agree totally. Some stories just simply don't suit dialog, but this is not one of them. I saw many opportunities for dialog throughout your story that would have brought your characters to living, breathing, 3D 'colour'.

e.g.

That evening, he came to her flat, and told her to pack, just a few things. When she protested, she learnt that he had arranged for a three week holiday, finally using her holiday allowance from the previous year.

Or -

That evening he came to her flat.

"Pack a few things Jenny, and be quick about it. We're heading off," he said, playfully slapping her bottom then turning her towards her closet.

"Oh, but I can't, you know I can't," she protested, turning back to him and screwing up her face.

"Oh, but you can, I've taken care of everything. I arranged for you to your three weeks holiday allowance from last year," he told her, grinning down at her.

"Oh you are such a darling, darling!" she cried, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him. "Where are we going? Oh, who cares!"

She giggled and ran off to find her suitcase.



Dialog is a really easy way to bring your characters to life.

I don't find the woman's actions believable. A shy woman who is just beginning to loose her inhabitions masturbating infront of a guy? to me that seems a little far fetched!

Yep, now doesn't every man just dream of a woman like this? I know mine does. Well sorry guys, they just don't exist. I think unless your doing a fantasy type story, readers want reality.

You don't need the first three commas. There are other examples too, though it does get a lot better after the first few paragraphs

Check out http://owl.english.purdue.edu/ . Weird Harold recommend that site on one of his posting a while back, and I have found to be extremely helpful for just about anything to do with punctuation and grammar.

I think you were aiming at a Pygmalion type thing where he gets to enjoy the wanton creature he's created, but that doesn't come through at all.


Yes, I felt the same thing. Although there were some excellent physical desciptions of the changes, there really wasn't anything about how Jenny felt about her new style. You have used some great contrasts to show the transformation. Thick brown tights to smooth bare legs, tight bun to loose flowing hair..etc. And I really love the Jennifer to Jenny thing. I think any woman being transformed like that, by a darling like Adam, would have had all kinds of wonderful feelings. Any man like Adam, with half an ego, would have been proud too. Readers love getting inside the character heads.

One of my favourite lines is "She was a tiny boat, lost in the ocean around her as she came violently."

I really like this one too.

Ok, this what else I noted.

Your paragraphs are too long. KM has an excellent post on paragraphing on this forum.

I noted too a few places where a fuller description would have been nicer. e.g.

kissed her softly before leaving.

Adverbs tend to be weak words. A fuller description but not necessarily a fuller kiss, would have been nice here in my opinion.

removed her bikini...

Come now, I'm sure you've had the pleasure of undressing a woman before. I bet you both enjoyed it too. I feel sure readers would love a little more detail here about how Adam removed Jenny's bikini.

They did not hurry.

Remember to keep your writing 'relaxed'.

I used to do this too, until JJ1 pointed it out to me. He's right too, we speak in contractions, so using them in writing, makes for a smoother read. - They didn't hurry.


Later he paid for a trip to a beauty salon...

Eek! This line really slapped me in the face. I really think this would have read better (and kinder) as - Later he treated her to a trip to the beauty salon.....

Ok, that's all the slicing and dicing. Overall, it's a short but sweet read. Like stories you have written before, I think this one will have far more appeal to women, but personally I don't have a problem.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex.

 

[Natural Born Eros]

Thank, you, all, very, much. I think you've raised some really helpful points. It is essentially as I feared. My own feedback would probably have been very similar, but it is so difficult to judge your own work. I did enjoy the story, though, so I think I'll try and combine the things I enjoyed with creating a decent story encompassing the points that you raised.

I just wish I didn't have such a problem with writing dialogue.

Cheers,

Eros

 

[Moyds_jewel]

hello NBE;

2-3 things ocur to me, after reading it through twice and reviewing what others have said in this thread. Let me preface my comments by reminding you that each of us has a different perspective and filter through which we view such things. Feel free to disagree.

I agree with much of what has already been pointed out.

Like bragis I think my dissatisfaction [with this story] stems from the story perspective. The narrator is removed from what is going on and since we have no direct interactions between the characters (i.e., dialogue) we as readers are removed from the story, too. We don't ultimately care...

While you have some poetic and descriptive passages :
"She admired his muscled arm, the impression of controlled strength, the soft fuzz of dark hair around his wrists." many other passages are simply adequate and ordinary.
Example: "The moonlight fell to either side of her..."
why not have the moonlight 'cascade' or 'pour' or 'drape' ??
Example: "...like a goddess emerging from her marine home."
What makes Jenny a goddess? her nudity? the play of moonlight over the ivory shape of her? intoxicating thoughts of what is hidden??

As already stated, you rely on the comma too much. (a failing of mine, too!) Repeat softly: 'the semi-colon and colon are my friends.'

Verb Tense....you start out in the past tense and in the third paragraph move into the past perfect (I think that's right....jiggles memory chip) which means the entire exposition "had" to do something. There are seven "had's" in this paragraph and they got in my way. The fourth paragraph is back to past tense and the fifth is present tense...jumping around the timeline like this, particularly with no dialogue to help bridge it, can be confusing enough so the reader loses place and interest.

In all, this story feels like it is one or two drafts short of a final draft.

Best wishes in future endeavors,

jewel
______________
it is my joy to be His