Feedback on my latest chapter

[thebobber326]

Grace Breaks Caitlin Ch. 3 This is the latest chapter in my series and I'd really appreciate as much feedback on this as I can get. I'll put the link for part 1 below for anyone wanting to read from the start.
Grace Breaks Caitlin

 

[TheRedChamber]

I gave feedback on the first two parts of the story, so I thought I'd look at the third one as well. As I've noted before, you write a kind of very extreme style - it's all women being forced to do things by other women - the victims have no real agency and make little attempt to fight back. Your stories have no real build up, but straight into abuse and torture. And again, there's a subset of the audience on this site who enjoy this, and some of your other stories are pretty well rated.

Here, you've tried to do something different and turn the tables on the abusers and I don't think it quite works. One issue you've got is that you've got five important characters to cover in only 4k words. Even going back and looking at the independent Brenna/Sophie stories doesn't really help much. I've mentioned your use of perspective before, for the first half or so of the story it is better, following only Caitlin's perception but this kind of breaks down and we're suddenly viewing things from Zoe's, Sophia's and Grace's perpectives. One issue is that we're in Caitlin's perspective when the 'rebellion' breaks-out, so we don't really get the full drama of it or understand fully what's happened. Moreover, if this is a revenge story, it feel strange that you introduce a new character who seems to be the main antagonist of the bulk of the chapter.

More than anything, there's no real catharsis for their escape. They have horrible things done to them, and they do horrible things back. That's fine in this type of story, but its fairly bleak and there's no real release of emotions or no particular relationship between the three victims. They don't really talk to each other much and one is suddenly written out without much fanfare. The story just kind of finished without really reaching any kind of conclusion (I'm not sure if there's intended to be a part four)

 

[thebobber326]

I gave feedback on the first two parts of the story, so I thought I'd look at the third one as well. As I've noted before, you write a kind of very extreme style - it's all women being forced to do things by other women - the victims have no real agency and make little attempt to fight back. Your stories have no real build up, but straight into abuse and torture. And again, there's a subset of the audience on this site who enjoy this, and some of your other stories are pretty well rated.

Here, you've tried to do something different and turn the tables on the abusers and I don't think it quite works. One issue you've got is that you've got five important characters to cover in only 4k words. Even going back and looking at the independent Brenna/Sophie stories doesn't really help much. I've mentioned your use of perspective before, for the first half or so of the story it is better, following only Caitlin's perception but this kind of breaks down and we're suddenly viewing things from Zoe's, Sophia's and Grace's perpectives. One issue is that we're in Caitlin's perspective when the 'rebellion' breaks-out, so we don't really get the full drama of it or understand fully what's happened. Moreover, if this is a revenge story, it feel strange that you introduce a new character who seems to be the main antagonist of the bulk of the chapter.

More than anything, there's no real catharsis for their escape. They have horrible things done to them, and they do horrible things back. That's fine in this type of story, but its fairly bleak and there's no real release of emotions or no particular relationship between the three victims. They don't really talk to each other much and one is suddenly written out without much fanfare. The story just kind of finished without really reaching any kind of conclusion (I'm not sure if there's intended to be a part four)

I REALLY appreciate the detailed feedback. I actually did keep your advice in mind about perspective and that's why the first half's so consistent. But then as more happened I wanted the lens from other perspectives. I guess I kind of stumbled when I did. Do you have any advice on switching perspectives?

My writing style I don't think is going to change too much. I'll be honest, I'm not looking to write complex stories. I pretty much just write out sex scenes that I think are hot with characters I create and that others might enjoy.However, I do think that there's still an element of storytelling that should be there for that. I think all my stories make more sense when you know that.

As for the new character introduction, I had originally thought of introducing her in another story that I'd have written before this one but I ended up scrapping it. I guess I should've stuck to that, because I also think it would've worked better, I just got impatient.

Having the characters talk more is something I would like to do more in future stories, it's just a bit tough to get started with, I guess so I always shy away because I get worried I can't make it interesting but who knows, maybe in my next story, I'll try it.

Lastly, the ending isn't really great but I do plan to make a part 4 sometime down the road so it's not meant to be a full conclusion.