Feedback - Marie and her Lifestyle

[submarie]

Thank you, everyone, for the feedback on my stories. I have only recently decided to write these. Mainly as a result of reading others on here.

I appreciate all the feedback on my stories. Today I got feedback saying that the latest chapter:URL=http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=84587]Marie - How I got into this Lifestyle[/URL]
Is not realistic, the husband's reaction is not what the reader thinks it would have been.

I am not sure if the reader has read the previous chapters or not, they didnt say.

I would love to hear what others think about this. My intention was to expand on his thoughts in a later chapter. Maybe it would have been better in this chapter. I suppose learning how to expand characters comes with experience?

Thanks to everyone who submits stories here, I obviously have my favourite topics, but think the whole site is great.

Best wishes to all my fellow authors and readers

Marie

 

[Guest]

Sucks!

 

[submarie]

That certainly lets me know what one person thinks, and was very helpful!

 

[hiddenself]

I read Ch5 and found it better than average.

It does not start particularly well. The first paragraph was very awkward. I know it's supposed to be just a tie-in with the previous installments, but you need something strong and well written up front. You don't want to lose a reader before the main story and you almost did that with me. For example,

Her wardrobe was being changed, gone the more conservative clothing, instead she was being dressed in, what previously; she would have considered ‘SLUTTY CLOTHES.’

This is one awful sentence. That middle fragment is incorrect syntax, the semi-colon should not be there, and the caps are gratuitous. Pretty bad.

You sometimes have some trouble with sentence structure throughout, such as

Allowing him the ultimate power, he controlled me and my life.

and

My nylon clad legs looking longer than ever due to the skirt length.
(hanging sentence fragment)

There are quite a few problems with spelling (particularly the use of apostrophes)
the photo’s you took...
black mans slut...
Lets give nosey a show...
and punctuation (lots of missing commas etc.).

And occasionally you're plain sloppy:

Obviously Michael had left them on the bed. Deliberately or not I didn’t know. He did know that Michael was coming home but not when.

(Obviously you mean "did know that Jon was coming home..." I find mixing up characters to be very annoying in a story.)

So, form was not particularly good. The plot, on the other hand, was strong. I found the pacing right, not too slow, yet slow enough to convey the tension and excitement of the scenes.

The dialogue was simple, yet quite realistic. The buildup, the escalation were right, although they did lack some depth. You were good in painting Marie's emotions with broad strokes but some more detail might have made it better (although, I'm not clear as to what exactly or how).

I'm not so sure about some parts of the narrative... For example, wouldn't it fit better if Jon were to fuck her on the spot when he was told the truth rather than walk out? And the cliched end was annoying -- MIchael has come twice and he's still hard? Hmmm.

I'll go back and read some of the other parts, and comment a bit more on the story line and narrative if you wish. I think you have a strong voice and instincts, but you need to work on the technique.

hs

 

[submarie]

Thanks to hidden self.
I really appreciate the constructive feedback. I use Word and the built in spell and grammer check. It obviously isn't that good!

Reading the story, several times and I didn't spot the duplication of names and I agree it makes the work look sloppy.

Using your comments I will make a greater effort.


Once again thanks.

Marie

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I agree with what just about everything HS said, except that I didn't find the dialogue natural or convincing. In fact I found it to be a major weakness. It seems formal, stilted, and unnatural.

Here's an excerpt:
-------------------------------
“Hot, we will have to get together soon and have a fashion parade. Anyway Jon isn’t due home for a while so you can get used to it.”

I explained the message on the answer phone. “Oh well, better sooner than later. I think he will like the new you.”

“You are probably right; he was always saying he wanted me to show more”

“Well then, just enjoy. I know you love black cock, I heard you begging for it a few times.” She laughed said good bye and hung up.

Michael said “I am going now slut” He came over Kissed me full on the mouth and rubbed my tits. He took the bag of clothes, opened the door and was gone.
-----------------------------------
The main problem with the dialogue is that people don't say "we will have to get together" or "I think he will like..." They say "we'll have to get together" & "I think he'll like..." In other words, they use contractions. Fortunately this problem is easy to fix, and it would help the story sound more natural.

More seriously, I had a hard time with the characters too, They all just seem very flat, no subtely or depth, nothing to care about. I think this is because you use very little description in your writing. You tell us what happened, but you don't describe it so that we can see it. This makes the caharacters actions hard to interpret.

For instance, when Jon comes back crying, is he sorry, or is he crying tears of rage? What is his reaction to seeing Marie screwing Michael right there in his home? This is the dramatic climax of the story, yet you tell us very little of what happens. We see him crying; we next see him horny. It feels like someone just flips a swutrch and he goes from tears to wanting to screw. His actions are unbelievable not because it couldn't happen, but because you don't explain to us how it happened. I think that's maybe what the feedback complained about.

So I would work in more sensual description to the story. More adjectives and adverbs, to be blunt.

---dr.M.