Feedback humbly requested.

[SeraphNocturne]

It's been a good while since I've gotten any critiques!

I think I've improved dramatically as a writer since I began many years ago, so I'm just curious to know the thoughts of a few skillful eyes regarding my Geek Pride submission; it's had a very positive reception and I'm not at all displeased with the numbers (4.1K views, 4.71/92) but we all know honest thoughts in the comment section are oftentimes sparse.

I wrote this story for Geek Pride 2023 on an absolute whim with a week to complete it. It took me perhaps 3-4 days, so for me, this is a rushed piece and contains far more smut than my usual writing style which tends to favor plot over porn--there are a few very minor misspellings that slipped under my radar and one lost word, so I'm aware of those technical flaws and I've got an Edit in to correct them. Still, I'd love to hear overall thoughts on it!

Collective Intelligence
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Tags: Alien, Mind-control, Hive mind, Reluctance, Breeding, Non-human. (Light femdom essence is in play, but not the complete focus).

Thank you kindly.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I dropped you a comment - nice work!

 

[SeraphNocturne]

I dropped you a comment - nice work!

Thank you kindly electricblue66, it’s so appreciated!

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Wow! I, a complete stranger, having never before seen this story, am SHOCKED at how fantastic it is!!!

Hehehehe

I'm playing, Nyx! You know I love this story!
Nine is a real bitch, but her machinations are sexy and devious. The breeding part at the end got me feeling some kinda way!

 

[SeraphNocturne]

Ohhhh, M! You're the best, you know that? I may or may not have added that in, with you in mind. Definitely inspired by a few of our conversations that’s for sure.

Nine is definitely high on the scale of evil bitch characters I’ve created, and she quickly became one of my favorites to write. Gave the story juuuust the right amount of dark edge.

 

[Rob_Royale]

I'll check it out tonight.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

I liked Nine. (I think everyone likes Nine.) It was fun to watch her toy with Desmond.

If anything, I wished for a bit more of that. It took us half the story before she even spoke, and then they were in bed a page later.

"her eyes all but predatory" I stumbled a bit over this phrase. Has the usage has shifted so that the "all but" phrasing now works for this? I was taught to use it like "she was all but draping herself over him" meaning she hasn't actually draped herself over him but maybe she's an inch above his lap or something. Whereas the way I imagine Nine, her eyes would be pretty straightforwardly predatory.

I struggled with my suspension of disbelief at a couple of details of this supposedly high-security facility. Her room has a dinner-delivering robot but no mechanical interlock to ensure one door closes before the other door opens? Dark rooms have this feature. The guards don't get the bubble helmets? And Desmond is left alone, ever? Somehow this has worked for decades before he came along? Etc. This is nitpicky stuff, though. I suspect most readers aren't going to be bothered. I like Greg Egan, if that gives you an idea how niche my world-building preferences are.

Is Renfield a Dracula reference? Like, Nine was working on making Renfield hers, in the way Renfield was Dracula's, until Desmond came around? Is Black also a reference?

 

[Rob_Royale]

I enjoyed it very much. You are a very solid writer.

 

[SeraphNocturne]

I liked Nine. (I think everyone likes Nine.) It was fun to watch her toy with Desmond.

If anything, I wished for a bit more of that. It took us half the story before she even spoke, and then they were in bed a page later.

"her eyes all but predatory" I stumbled a bit over this phrase. Has the usage has shifted so that the "all but" phrasing now works for this? I was taught to use it like "she was all but draping herself over him" meaning she hasn't actually draped herself over him but maybe she's an inch above his lap or something. Whereas the way I imagine Nine, her eyes would be pretty straightforwardly predatory.

I struggled with my suspension of disbelief at a couple of details of this supposedly high-security facility. Her room has a dinner-delivering robot but no mechanical interlock to ensure one door closes before the other door opens? Dark rooms have this feature. The guards don't get the bubble helmets? And Desmond is left alone, ever? Somehow this has worked for decades before he came along? Etc. This is nitpicky stuff, though. I suspect most readers aren't going to be bothered. I like Greg Egan, if that gives you an idea how niche my world-building preferences are.

Is Renfield a Dracula reference? Like, Nine was working on making Renfield hers, in the way Renfield was Dracula's, until Desmond came around? Is Black also a reference?

Thank you for your thoughts! When I set out to write this piece I had a small window of time, and though it was planned out, it was always intended to be on the shorter side. I was aiming for a 10K word count and went slightly over, so some things were sacrificed here for the sake of making it a sexually charged Sci-Fi tale… compared to the series I’ve been working on, which drags on for long chapters of character and story progression, it rings true in my mind as a “rushed piece” and it’s left me wanting too, but overall satisfied with how it played out!

Now, as for the plot fragments, it’s arguable that this entire facility isn’t at all capable of securely housing Nine, for a multitude of reasons. Her psychokinesis is one of them. It could easily be said that automated or not, those doors don’t do a damn thing to keep her contained. She can see clear through the containment cell, and can manipulate their technology with the doors open for even a second. I don’t doubt she could break through the glass, if she were determined enough! She’s well aware of this and states how easily she could free herself several times, but she’s been waiting for something…

The scientists don’t always wear their protective gear, either, so it’s more assumed they do so when the containment chamber opens for the sake of avoiding coming into contact with contaminates or perhaps blocking her telepathy. It might also be assumed that whoever is really running the research behind Nine knows all of this (Black briefly addresses it in the discussion about dreams) and in hopes of unraveling the secrets and utilizing her abilities as a hive mind, they’re willingly throwing human beings under the bus.

Maybe they want her eventual offspring? Maybe they’re monitoring the entire bunker to see how things play out? Why are they leaving rookie Agents to handle such a delicate task? Curious how the senior Agent Bernard and the Head Researcher are absent when all hell breaks loose, isn’t it? At the end of the day, the bunker being this wholly advanced, secure, and safe entity is a farce! I commend you for noticing the flaws in the design, they were quite intentional.

And good catch on Renfield! I’m a sucker for anything Dracula. Agent Black’s name is a play on the Men in Black!

 

[SeraphNocturne]

I enjoyed it very much. You are a very solid writer.

Thank you for your kind sentiments, I’m glad you enjoyed this piece.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

@joy_of_cooking, since I know you've read both stories, you'll be able to fully enjoy this joke

(I got Seraph's permission before I changed the topic with this meme, btw)

 

[SeraphNocturne]

It’ll never not be funny.

 

[yowser]

I've given this a second, closer, read, and have some thoughts you perhaps may find useful.

Overall, good writing, far better than most of what appears here on Lit. Your tale is plot-driven rather than character-driven, although a little more attention to the people would turn it into a superior tale.

You achieve your mood and tone nicely, fairly economically, and that alone is worth noting. Underground, creepy, with hidden logic and lots of unseen and imagined strings behind the scenes. Most engaging, although a bit overdrawn after awhile.

I had an initial trouble quite early. Okay, your guy has been wanting his whole life to be a CIA operative, fine, but he gets recruited and scheduled for an interview by the second paragraph? I had to swallow hard (no background check? Letters to DC?) so this is one place where even a little more explanation would go a long way (usually I am telling people to pare down, here you need a little more, draw out the desire and ambition to become this Agent.)

I liked that you began sex with a dream sequence, which sets the stage for later developments, and you carry the suspense through, ratcheting up the arousal.

But your MC is not quite 3D (Nine as well) more like 2.5D. Yes he makes a goof with the door (good idea) but the scene falls a bit flat and his anxiety and fear don't come through all the way. Maybe the bit more work earlier outlining his Great Desire to be an Agent would make this scene of potential disaster work a bit better? Not sure. The other characters are all cardboard, but serve their purpose.

Sex is arousing, if a bit overdrawn, but no so much that it departs from the style of the rest of the tale.

You have an adverb tic that gets increasingly annoying as the story goes on. As in way too many of them:

absolutely perfect fucking tits
disturbingly beautiful
amazingly shapely ass
utterly salacious
utterly consumed
addictively soft, pert bosom
et al...

There's way too many 'impossibly' and 'delightfully' bits in here too, 'beautiful' also overused (we get the idea - more specific or idiosyncratic details would work a lot better.)

Very few obvious goofs (who's bare feet) but I did grow weary of the long breathless vocalisations (Yes... mmm, yes Desmond--you feel sooo... so very good... mmmmmn, give me everything... make me yours)

So, I haven't read your other work and expect you have some serious good stuff there. You've got a fine story here that could be a great one with some effort. I'm a bit relieved you confessed to having 'dashed this off' as I suspect your other works with greater attention are excellent.

Best of luck in further writing.

 

[SeraphNocturne]

I've given this a second, closer, read, and have some thoughts you perhaps may find useful.

Overall, good writing, far better than most of what appears here on Lit. Your tale is plot-driven rather than character-driven, although a little more attention to the people would turn it into a superior tale.

You achieve your mood and tone nicely, fairly economically, and that alone is worth noting. Underground, creepy, with hidden logic and lots of unseen and imagined strings behind the scenes. Most engaging, although a bit overdrawn after awhile.

I had an initial trouble quite early. Okay, your guy has been wanting his whole life to be a CIA operative, fine, but he gets recruited and scheduled for an interview by the second paragraph? I had to swallow hard (no background check? Letters to DC?) so this is one place where even a little more explanation would go a long way (usually I am telling people to pare down, here you need a little more, draw out the desire and ambition to become this Agent.)

I liked that you began sex with a dream sequence, which sets the stage for later developments, and you carry the suspense through, ratcheting up the arousal.

But your MC is not quite 3D (Nine as well) more like 2.5D. Yes he makes a goof with the door (good idea) but the scene falls a bit flat and his anxiety and fear don't come through all the way. Maybe the bit more work earlier outlining his Great Desire to be an Agent would make this scene of potential disaster work a bit better? Not sure. The other characters are all cardboard, but serve their purpose.

Sex is arousing, if a bit overdrawn, but no so much that it departs from the style of the rest of the tale.

You have an adverb tic that gets increasingly annoying as the story goes on. As in way too many of them:

absolutely perfect fucking tits
disturbingly beautiful
amazingly shapely ass
utterly salacious
utterly consumed
addictively soft, pert bosom
et al...

There's way too many 'impossibly' and 'delightfully' bits in here too, 'beautiful' also overused (we get the idea - more specific or idiosyncratic details would work a lot better.)

Very few obvious goofs (who's bare feet) but I did grow weary of the long breathless vocalisations (Yes... mmm, yes Desmond--you feel sooo... so very good... mmmmmn, give me everything... make me yours)

So, I haven't read your other work and expect you have some serious good stuff there. You've got a fine story here that could be a great one with some effort. I'm a bit relieved you confessed to having 'dashed this off' as I suspect your other works with greater attention are excellent.

Best of luck in further writing.

Fantastic and very thoughtful feedback, thank you so very much! I’m not inclined to disagree with you on anything you said. Hammer right on the nail with all of it. I appreciate your honesty and your take on areas I need to work on, they are duly noted.

I could have fleshed this out much better. When writing about topics I know literally nothing of (the CIA, in this instance) I usually spend a decent amount of time researching beforehand, but I didn’t have the opportunity given the rushed nature of this piece.

I am also the self proclaimed Queen of the Run on Sentences, Over Descriptiveness and Spotty Proof Reading… first of her name. This story was edited (poorly) by myself with only one proof reading sweep literally two days before the deadline, so over used adverbs abound and ample places where sentence restructuring could have done it wonders to improve the flow. I may re-work and extend it in the future but it’s not high on my priority list at this point.

It served its purpose as a last minute Event entry and my first on-site publication outside the years long series I have… but if I’m honest, it could’ve gone double its word count and I would’ve been happy to pen it. I was challenging myself to do exactly the opposite of my usual style—write something short, sweet, and smutty. I think I hit those key points but at the cost of sacrificing character development and more detailed story telling. Safe to say going forward I’m not going to try to limit myself again.

I’ll warn you if you do take a gander at the series I’ve been working on, that while it is masterful by comparison of Collective Intelligence—my Frankenstein’s Monster—it is also wild, exceedingly dark, and not at all for the faint of heart. I don’t promote it very often for these reasons, its audience tend to stumble across it… but I’ll surely be moving forward with much more mainstream friendly work in the coming months!

Thank you again for your wonderful review Yowser.

 

[ElectricBlue]

There's way too many 'impossibly' and 'delightfully' bits in here too, 'beautiful' also overused (we get the idea - more specific or idiosyncratic details would work a lot better.)

@seraph_nocturne

Here's a useful freebie tool that takes yowser's comment on board:

Word Cloud Generator

It graphically shows the top one hundred words used in a story (excluding the most commonly used little words), and is a useful tool for identifying over-use. I use it religiously as part of my edit cycle.

 

[SeraphNocturne]

@seraph_nocturne

Here's a useful freebie tool that takes yowser's comment on board:

Word Cloud Generator

It graphically shows the top one hundred words used in a story (excluding the most commonly used little words), and is a useful tool for identifying over-use. I use it religiously as part of my edit cycle.

Thank you EB! I’m sure this will come in handy for future writing endeavors.

 

[Cliffsnrivers]

I'm only two pages in and I am hooked. New to the site and well, not sure I am comfy with it all - and I certainly did not think a Sci-Fi/Mind control story could turn me on. Your excellent writing skills have proven me wrong and I am only two pages in.

The details are excellent, even the discourse between characters feel real and un-rushed.

By taking the time to add cities to people instead of "local city police" - the story felt legitimate. It's evident you took your time on it. I've got to get back to work, I want to read the rest slowly - great job!

 

[SeraphNocturne]

I'm only two pages in and I am hooked. New to the site and well, not sure I am comfy with it all - and I certainly did not think a Sci-Fi/Mind control story could turn me on. Your excellent writing skills have proven me wrong and I am only two pages in.

The details are excellent, even the discourse between characters feel real and un-rushed.

By taking the time to add cities to people instead of "local city police" - the story felt legitimate. It's evident you took your time on it. I've got to get back to work, I want to read the rest slowly - great job!

Awwww, I'm flattered that my wild fantasy reached out to you first. Take your time here, lurk around, test the waters... Literotica can be intense but there's something for everyone here.

I tried my best in a very small window of time to make this story as engaging as possible, and as an author I like to utilize tangible places and environments when I'm not writing insanely fictitious nonsense. I love realism. I also love incorporating things I know absolutely nothing about in a story, so I source, research and cite as I write.

This piece is actually rushed by my standards. I pumped it out for the Geek Pride event at the very last minute, so it fell short of some things like extended build up, deeper character development, and fleshing out the plot... most of the fine details never made it in. I've mentioned many here on this feedback thread. I focused heavier on the erotica scenes more than anything else, and was intentionally trying to keep it under 10K words.

In any case, I love to hear it's acceptable and entertaining as I published it, I'm glad that you're enjoying it. I'll be working on more pieces similar to this among various Categories so feel free to follow me to have my work appear in your control panel, and a warm welcome to Literotica to you!