Feedback for "fallen" (non-human)

[Esha]

Hi guys...

I think I am in the same boat as a lot of people...I have a story posted, and I am doing well with the voting and the number of views, but haven’t really gotten feedback beyond the first few days of it being posted. And that mail was mostly love/hated it stuff, not really constructive criticism....
I would really like the opinion of fellow writer and erotica readers...I very much enjoy having my work critiqued.

I do realize there is a typo, an "of" that should be an "on"...

Also, can someone explain how the volunteer editors program works? I would love to get involved with that (or is that what this is??)

Anyways, look forward to hearing from you guys...the link is in my signature (aptly labeled "fallen") if you have comments about my poetry also, feel free to post them!

Thanks bunches!!

 

[Natural Born Eros]

This is the volunteer editors page, which should explain everything that you need. You also might find someone on the volunteer editors bulletin board. Finally, if you write about something I enjoy (read: vanilla), I'd probably be willing to give you some help with it, so you could send me a PM.

I would not have read this story if you hadn't posted it here. I think I would have missed out, on an exciting author. I can't honestly say I enjoyed the story, simply because it isn't a style I enjoy, but I do think it was very well written. Firstly, a couple of little problems I had with it:

"It was small and not very trendy, but it was quite" - I assume this is just a typo for quiet (classic spell-checker miss, the reason you need to proof-read slowly, but it might be that you left a word out.

"She pounced then, with force that I do not have the ability to explain." I don't like this. For one thing, it is the only moment of first person narrative in this story, and as a result ithas an impact it doesn't deserve. The other problem is that although I know what you are trying to say, it just sounds a little... imcompetent. Something like "an indescribable force," or even "a force beyond his comprehension" would gel more readily with the rest of the story.

I don't feel qualified to talk about the story, simply because I haven't read enough of the genre to have a "yard-stick." I will say that I liked the almost cliched, vanilla introduction, that made the birth of the more unusual aspects of this story very unexpected. Clever.

What I enjoyed most about this story, though, was the understated and yet perfectly realistic nuggets of description. A couple of examples:

"They chatted for a while, had lots of cyber sex. He liked the way her lids closed half way when she came. She liked the way his breath sounded over the microphone. She would close her eyes and pretend he was there."

"All at once he was slapped with her smell. It was warm and subtle, but the effect was like a blow. It made him drunk and light headed, and as much as he wanted too, he couldn’t concentrate of what she felt like." Yeah, that's me. I don't notice the "big-picture" of any sexual encounter, just get obsessed by some tiny aspect.

I didn't vote on this story. That is quite unusual for me, but it is because I was too confused - the topic would only be worth a three to me, because I'm a straight-laced little Englishman, but the writing warranted a five.

Keep writing, and PM me if you write something for erotic couplings/loving wives, etc.

Cheers,

Eros

 

[Esha]

WOW, thank you Eros, that was great...

You where correct in your typo assumption, it was meant to be quiet, and spell check didn't catch it...unfortunately I am a HORRIBLE speller (although I really do try!) and often don't catch those things no matter how carefully I proof-read (hence the inquiry about peer editors!!)

Now that it is said, I completely agree with you assessment of introducing the first person narrative in the story. I am usually very fastidious about keeping that consistent....hrmph...I just got worked up apparently! But you are right; it does sound "funny" and would be more effective and cohesive if worded as per your suggestion.

I am flattered that you think the writing would be voted a five...and thank you very much for taking the time to read this, especially since the topic wasn't really your "thing".

I don't write much "vanilla", I am an odd little duck, who's sexual likes border on eclectic...but, if by chance you where inclined, I would love for you to edit any of my stuff.

 

[peterpan]

Firstly, good atmosphere.

Literotica's pagination is a pity, That's a big problem non-paper books. The ending takes you by surprise.

I think the line: {Then it happened, she flew to him and they met.} gave it away a bit more than you probably intended, though I was thinking angel rather than vampire...

I didn't understand the message of the end.. that religous guilt imprisons you? that pain frees you? With pain and effort, she escaped gods fate for her and became free? This line told us more about her but did not wrap up the story to me.

Perhaps this is because the tale was in the nonhuman section and there was therefore not much mystery that she was a vampire or fallen angel or similar. Actually, come to think of it, I am only assuming she is definitely a vampire because the tale was in the nonhuman section, and she bit someone.

Why should I assume he is not the vampire, and her a vampire groupy




some more spelling corrections etc...

those two things where indications [were]

He liked the way her lids closed half way when she came. [internet camera? (not met yet)]

slapped with her smell [doesnt sound like a nice smell ]

It drown out the panic [drowned?]

hands where sore [were]

hands where soft [were]

but that he had hidden from his own gaze many times [kept from his own gaze? wording implies 'tried not to gaze upon']

animal accessing a kill [assessing]

she took it, brining into her wet [bringing [it?]]

the tension is his balls [in]

mouth with need to be in her [the need?]

He grabbed at her arm and yanked them up onto her back, holding them with one hand. [arms?]

Then he put himself inside of her. [don't like the word put, myself. 'Thrust'?]

He had a though then [thought]

 

[ravyn]

Woah, that is amazing. I must say (And i rarely say this) that without the sex, the story would be just as good. I loved the part about the tattoo and what they say at the end.

 

[Esha]

Peter Pan....

First, wow wow WOW, you can be my editor any day of the week! you caught so many gramar errors! holy cow! and I thought I did so good!!

As far as what she is (vampire vs. angel) she ended up being both...a fallen angel who, from her decent from heaven, is now classified as a demon, and a demon classically needs blood. Im not sure I ment for her to be a vampire per se, but a fallen angel, needing life to be granted life. And im not sure he isn't a vampire, I wanted to leave some for interpretation.

Most of the foreshadowing in the story was intentional, and because it was in the non-human catergory, I am assuming her "non-hunanism" could be guessed. I was trying, at least, to give some creativity to what she was, making her not "just" a vampire or an angel, but giving her a little depth as a charicture.

As far as the religous slant went, it was tied in because I decided to make her an angel. The story was written for someone specific, who has a tatoo very simular to the one described in the story (minus the crusifix)...the quote at the end of the story, where he talks about her phyisical description and her reminding him to be "soft" was an actual quote from this person when they described their tatoo. My message was in refrence completely to sexuality...and basically the stigmatism most people have with religion, morality and sex (my muse is a believer in the good girl/bad girl theroy). So the message was ment for each reader to interpret seperatly...in a religious context or otherwise. That we make choices to be a victim of life or to live it, and we must pay the consiquences, good and bad, for those actions. Ands besides, what fun would it be to be an Angel?? *wink*

Anyhow, It seems you enjoyed the story and I am glad for it! Thank you sooo much for your feed back , i really appreciated and respected it, it was astute and articulate!
Thanks again!!

 

[Esha]

Woah, that is amazing. I must say (And i rarely say this) that without the sex, the story would be just as good. I loved the part about the tattoo and what they say at the end.

im so glad you enjoyed it and thank you so much for taking the time to read it!
Seeing as this is a erotica site, I am very flattered that you think the story was enjoyable besides its sexual context!
Kisses to you!!