Extremely Serious Issue -- Please Help

[Dezi]

Thanks in advance for "listening." I need someone's help badly. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. About six months ago, I found out that my husband had been looking at porn. He hid it from me for almost ten years. He wasn't watching videos, but looking at pics of naked women. Now, I wouldn't have a problem w/the sex vids (and I don't, we watch them together all the time, now), but there's something about the naked pics of women and the fact that he's getting off on their bodies, not mine, and that he hid it from me for so long that makes it feel almost like infidelity. Almost.

Anyhow, the problem that I really need some input on is this: He doesn't get erections anymore when he looks at my nude body. I've put on weight and I am chubby now, but not obese. He says that he's attracted to me, it's just that his body doesn't do what he wants it to do anymore. (He's in his late twenties.) We have sex regularly, but it takes physical touch to get him hard.

I'm going out of my mind because pictures of other women's nude bodies have no problem producing erections from him. I feel so unattractive and I have no self esteem left. I know some of you reading this will think that it's a matter of communication, but I've talked to him about it until I'm blue in the face. He just tells me the same thing over and over.

I guess my question is: Is it possible that he's really attracted to me and his equipment isn't working in synch w/his mind (I highly doubt) or is he just not attracted to me anymore because I'm not perfect?

Any help would be appreciated.

Dez

 

[phoenix1224]

One question: Are you sure that he isn't stimulating himself physically in order to achieve an erection when he's looking at these pics?


It is quite common for men, as they get older, to get only semi erect and need physical stimulation in order to get it completely up... And, for some, it DOES start in their late twenties.

 

[silverwhisper]

dezi: first of all, welcome to literotica, although i for one am sorry that it's under such circumstances.

at the end of the day, it's entirely possible even your husband doesn't know what's different. perhaps in part it's that you aren't new to him anymore. perhaps it's something neither of you know or suspect. perhaps it's what phoenix suggested. if i were you, i wouldn't be so hasty to leap to the worst possible conclusion.

the problem isn't yours, really. it's his. he needs to figure out what's different, why he doesn't react to you as he did. i think that you'll only start seing a chance when he figures it out and tries to work on it.

and remember: you have a huge advantage that some random boob-job doesn't have. you know him. you know what gets him hot & bothered. use your brain: as xaviera hollander says, it's the biggest sex organ we've got. :>

ed

 

[Cathleen]

Hi Dez, welcome to Lit.

The first thing that might be in order is a physical for him... just to rule out a problem (plus it's just a good idea for all of us).

I wonder if he takes a break from looking at porn what might you both learn. Maybe if you two try some different things sexually as well as intimately you might find some areas that have sort of gone off track. Since you mentioned he is 29, I'll assume you are near that age too - do you have kids? Has there been any added stresses to your relationship? Maybe a consultation to a sex therapist might help too.

It sure must feel terrible for you. I think it is great that you're addressing it together and wish you the best. I wish there was an easy solution.

 

[pplwatching]

He doesn't get erections anymore when he looks at my nude body. I've put on weight and I am chubby now, but not obese. He says that he's attracted to me, it's just that his body doesn't do what he wants it to do anymore. (He's in his late twenties.) We have sex regularly, but it takes physical touch to get him hard.

I'm going out of my mind because pictures of other women's nude bodies have no problem producing erections from him.

Hi!

If it's a problem for you then you need to make it clear to him that it's a problem so you guys can work through it together.

Try not to focus on your body as the cause of his erections. Sadly, there's a difference between aroused and erect. Since you've said that your touch can get him hard, I would like to say something about getting older. I remember a joke (Rita Rudner, I think), "Just about the time that I hit my sexual peak, he's discovering that he has a favorite chair." Testosterone really starts to drop in the late 20's and early 30s. I don't get erections while looking at my wife. Looking at her body is nice and gives me a warm fuzzy feeling, but I need a little more physical stimulation to get an erection. At 35 I discovered that there's erections, and then there's hard-as-steel erections. At 40 I learned that there's a lot of variance even during sex! When I'm concentrating on pleasing my wife I'm anywhere from soft to 'almost hard'. It's not that I'm not turned on, it's just that it usually takes her hand or mouth to get me as hard as I got from just a touch in my 30s, but after that it's not a problem.

Has he told you that he gets erections looking at porno? I haven't gotten a hard on looking at porno in a long time (unless my wife is playing with me at the time). It's not that looking isn't fun, it's just that it doesn't get me hard. My wife enjoys watching porno with me occasionally, maybe you can watch it with him and use it to spice up the bedroom.

 

[AngelicAnguish]

My husband looks at porn and online movies. It bothered me when we first lived together because I felt the same way you do. It was the cause of some big arguments and long conversations sorting it out.

I turned my thoughts inward and wondered what made me feel that way and then also looked at what got me off. I found that I was unhappy with myself, my body and how I felt. I worked on improving those. I also found that I get turned on by things other than my husband, example the stories on lit arouse me.

We've discussed at what he looks at and why, heck we even joke when I go out that he's going to look at porn and jerk off. His reasoning is he enjoys it at times and it cleans the pipes. He also said when he's looking at the porn he's looking at specific things like her boobs during sex, or penetration or oral. He is also very verbal with me though on how good and sexy I look. He's not viewing them as a whole woman but rather just what he wants to look at to get off on. It is similar to when I masterbate, I'd love to say I fantasize about him only, but I don't. My mind wanders and in my imagination the men are only bits and peices, usually never having a face beyond lips.

Sorry for babbling, just trying to share what my husband and I talked about. It is something we are comfortable with, there is no resentment over him looking at porn here because I tried to understand the why and feel comfortable with it and our relationship.

As for the erection thing, I think that's common too. Men's drive decreases as they get older from what I've read and experienced with hubby. I'd still though see if he wants to get checked.

Hope that made some sense and sorry for babbling, it's been a long long day!

 

[karndav]

First let me say I know comletely how you feel. I recently found out my husband was chatting on line and having phone sex with women for years and I had no clue. It completely devastated me and my self esteem plummetted. you have definitely come to the rightplace as I have gotten alot of wonderful advice from the people here.

That being said, I wonder also if maybe he has a physical problem. Maybe suggest going to see his Dr.

Also sometimes my husband also does not get hard just from looking at me. Sometimes he does it depends on the situation. Recently while we were away without our kids, I set it up so he would come back to the hotel and catch me in a very sexy outfit (it was brand new, he had never seen it before) masturbating with vibrators. He got rock hard immediately! Maybe you can try something like that. If the problem continues after the Dr. says he is ok pysically and nothing seems to be working then you might want to try a therapist to get to the root of the problem.

Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

 

[MissGabriella]

I think probably what he's getting out of the pictures is that they are something different. A lot of guys just want to see and do different things. They get bored. That's not to say mentally he doesn't still love you to death and want to be with you forever. He's just sexually bored. A book I read recommended changing that by doing something very different. Be mysterious and have him meet you at a hotel at a certain time and be waiting for him dressed up in something wild that you think will tickle his fancy. Wear wigs or dresses/underwear you wouldn't normally wear. It's completely natural for him to be more attracted to different new things even if he mentally doesn't want to be because he loves you. Just spice things up a bit and take a few risks and see if things change. And the pressure or stress might also be what's hindering his erection when it comes to visual stimulation. Try dropping it for a while and spicing things up and acting out crazy fantasies for him and see if that changes things.

 

[Ezzy]

When I re-read this post after posting it, it reads as if I am a heartless man trampling all over the feelings in this thread, that is not my intentions and if that is the impression I have given, I am sorry for doing so.

A big part of bad feelings caused by this is because of the communication issue. But there is also a part that you (as a woman) will never understand, because the communication is in Manish.

You might try some of the Dr John Gray "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" books.

The use of porn as an erotic stimulant is at the heart of the issue, and guys for the most part don't treat the porn as the "end" just as part of the "means", his use of the porn is not "against you" but could be viewed as being "with you", as you have made no mention of lipstick on his collar or unexplained absences etc.

So he is having an affair with his right hand, give the guy a break.

I know the self esteem issues make this a big problem in your mind, perhaps a self-hypnosis course or self esteem tape course would help you.

As would getting back into better shape, and it is a healthy option too.

The reason I feel the way I do is that you can still get him hard by touch and still have sex regularly, so he is not shying away from physical contact etc. So it is unlikely he feels any less love for you than he used too, spice up his minds eye image of you, with a new outfit that accentuates your assets and see what that does for your love life.

But at the centre, if you tackle the esteem issues, you will think yourself sexier at the same time.

edited to add the disclaimer to the top of this post.

 

[bobsgirl]

When I re-read this post after posting it, it reads as if I am a heartless man trampling all over the feelings in this thread, that is not my intentions and if that is the impression I have given, I am sorry for doing so.

A big part of bad feelings caused by this is because of the communication issue. But there is also a part that you (as a woman) will never understand, because the communication is in Manish.

You might try some of the Dr John Gray "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" books.

The use of porn as an erotic stimulant is at the heart of the issue, and guys for the most part don't treat the porn as the "end" just as part of the "means", his use of the porn is not "against you" but could be viewed as being "with you", as you have made no mention of lipstick on his collar or unexplained absences etc.

So he is having an affair with his right hand, give the guy a break.

I know the self esteem issues make this a big problem in your mind, perhaps a self-hypnosis course or self esteem tape course would help you.

As would getting back into better shape, and it is a healthy option too.

The reason I feel the way I do is that you can still get him hard by touch and still have sex regularly, so he is not shying away from physical contact etc. So it is unlikely he feels any less love for you than he used too, spice up his minds eye image of you, with a new outfit that accentuates your assets and see what that does for your love life.

But at the centre, if you tackle the esteem issues, you will think yourself sexier at the same time.

edited to add the disclaimer to the top of this post.

You know what, Ez? I really like what you posted. I don't think it sounded heartless at all.

 

[Mysty61]

Don't be too concerned with his looking at pics and porn, it is not necessarily a put down of you. Porn is appealing to many people for various reasons. Look at this site where there are 100,000's of members many of them married, and happily so. Porn does not have to be an opponent of your marriage, it can be a big alley if you use it as such. Join him looking at the pics express your opinion of what you see as sexy, get his opinion. You will both get aroused and end up in your bed having wonderful sex. Remember you are still the one he goes to bed with not the girls in the picture.

They say women are complicated, but in some ways men are more complicated. They like to talk a big game, but it does not always work out that way. There can be many reasons why they do not get hard. Health being one, so be sure to have that checked first. Once a man doesn't get hard a whole set of emotions begin to come up for him. The first thing he does is react to the fear his manliness is leaving him. So probably he goes back to his roots, to the first sexual he learned - masturbation. When this works he takes the next step and starts looking at porn to get aroused, and again he finds everything is ok. Then he goes to bed with his wife, probably gets rejected several time because she is genuinely tired. Then one night she is in the mood, and he finds he is unable to get an erection at that point. So what is the first thing she does? She says "what is wrong with you when we first met you got hard at the site of me, now look at you in bed with me naked and limp as a wet towel, you don't love me anymore you would rather look at nude pictures and masturbate". So there goes his self esteem, and he begins to doubt himeself even more. However, he knows if he goes back and looks at the pictures and masturbates everything will be ok, so he then begins to think maybe there is something wrong with his marriage. No one stops to think if he was looking at the same picture for 5-10 years he would not get aroused from that either. Believe me, I have seen this type of thing happen on more then one occasion.

If you think you are not attractive to him anymore do something about it. Join a health club, go work out 3 times a week for about an hour each, go on a diet, but some sexy clothes. That is not too much to save your marriage, and make sex more important. It is very easy to let our bodies go after having children and trying to keep up with all the responsibilities which go with them. An investment of a few dollars and time will pay big dividends, and make you feel better as well. He may still not get hard at the sight of you, but, so what, you can get him hard. One of the great things about sex is the fun involved playing with each other, trying new and different things, setting up different situations, and exploring each other like never before. Remember he is still responding to your presence, not the picture, and the two of you are engaging in sex with each other. The key is keeping the interest up because as we age (women as well as men) our sexuality changes also. So the key is to change our approach to keep the interest at a high level. As men age getting erections and maintaing them is harder. They also generate less semen, and the force of their ejaculation is reduced. Women lose some interest and become harder to stimulate and produce less lubricant. All of this does not mean there is anything wrong sexually or that sex needs to stop. It just means we need to adjust our way of approaching it.

 

[dollface007]

Dez, the part of your post that really bothers me is that he tells you repeatedly that he finds you attractive, but you don't believe him. Relying on how quickly he gets hard with you compared to when he looks at porn seems like a pretty poor barometer for how he feels about you. As a lot of the posts from guys above say, the penis is a strange thing.

It sounds to me like this is more your issue to work on than his, but hopefully, you can enlist his help and support. I give you that he shouldn't have hid his porn from you all those years. It was immature, and he probably did it because he didn't know how you'd react. However, if you have a husband who finds you attractive, tells you so, and has sex regularly with you, that's a pretty great thing. Why do you want to sabotage it by repeatedly telling him that you don't believe him??

 

[Eilan]

Thanks in advance for "listening." I need someone's help badly. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. About six months ago, I found out that my husband had been looking at porn. He hid it from me for almost ten years. He wasn't watching videos, but looking at pics of naked women. Now, I wouldn't have a problem w/the sex vids (and I don't, we watch them together all the time, now), but there's something about the naked pics of women and the fact that he's getting off on their bodies, not mine, and that he hid it from me for so long that makes it feel almost like infidelity. Almost.

Have you talked about why he hid it for so long?

Anyhow, the problem that I really need some input on is this: He doesn't get erections anymore when he looks at my nude body. I've put on weight and I am chubby now, but not obese. He says that he's attracted to me, it's just that his body doesn't do what he wants it to do anymore. (He's in his late twenties.) We have sex regularly, but it takes physical touch to get him hard.

When you kiss/make out (no touching) does he become aroused? I guess I wouldn't be worried about HOW he got the erection as long as he was able to get one, and if you're having sex regularly, that doesn't seem to be an issue. I'm not a doctor, but I don't think that there's a medical issue here.

I'm going out of my mind because pictures of other women's nude bodies have no problem producing erections from him. I feel so unattractive and I have no self esteem left. I know some of you reading this will think that it's a matter of communication, but I've talked to him about it until I'm blue in the face. He just tells me the same thing over and over.

I'm not trying to come across as bitchy, but when he tells you the same thing over and over, are YOU listening? As cliché as it sounds, communication isn't a one-way street.

I don't think that your husband should have to feel ashamed for being aroused by images of other women's bodies. It's perfectly healthy for him to appreciate the attractiveness of other women. I see it as somewhat similar to masturbating to a fantasy, and most people know that a lot of fantasies aren't necessarily meant to become reality. Furthermore, if he were masturbating to these fantasy women to the point where he was unable to "perform" with you, then I'd think there was a problem. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.

I guess my question is: Is it possible that he's really attracted to me and his equipment isn't working in synch w/his mind (I highly doubt) or is he just not attracted to me anymore because I'm not perfect?

I'm with dollface on this one; it seems to me that a lot of what's going on here is your issue and not his.

What is perfect, anyway? Don't fall into the trap of assuming that porn sex=real sex. That's not to say that porn can't be realistic (I'm thinking more of the amateur variety), but a lot of (though by no means all) porn is geared toward fulfilling male fantasies, or at least what the porn industry thinks that men want to see. Quite honestly, how many women fit this mold?

Good luck.

 

[phoenix1224]

<snip> I give you that he shouldn't have hid his porn from you all those years. It was immature, and he probably did it because he didn't know how you'd react. <snip>

OR... He knew EXACTLY how she'd react... Like she is now.

 

[AppleBiter]

OR... He knew EXACTLY how she'd react... Like she is now.

Okay, but to be fair, she did say that she watches porn with him, so that (the porn) doesn't seem to be the major issue. It seems to me the major issue she's expressing is that he's showing physical signs of arousal in response to pornographic images as opposed to in response to her. Which, in her defense, does appear to be something to be concerned about, be it a relational problem or a medical problem.

Dez, I think you're right to be concerned, here. Like Eilan said, you may try listening to him and giving him the benefit of the doubt. That will help as far as meeting your end of the issue.

I don't know if it's medical or anxiety-related, but I also agree wtih what silverwhisper said:

the problem isn't yours, really. it's his. he needs to figure out what's different, why he doesn't react to you as he did. i think that you'll only start seing a chance when he figures it out and tries to work on it.

Ultimately, it's his body and he needs to figure out what's going on. In the mean time, it's not your problem, it's his. You need to garner some self esteem by learning to accept yourself as you are and not base your self worth on what he or anyone else thinks of you.

In the mean time, while you're building your self esteem, take it easy on yourself and try not to get all wrapped up this idea of "perfect." Trust me, honey, nobody is perfect. Go easy on yourself.



AppleBiter

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks in advance for "listening." I need someone's help badly. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. About six months ago, I found out that my husband had been looking at porn. He hid it from me for almost ten years. He wasn't watching videos, but looking at pics of naked women. Now, I wouldn't have a problem w/the sex vids (and I don't, we watch them together all the time, now), but there's something about the naked pics of women and the fact that he's getting off on their bodies, not mine, and that he hid it from me for so long that makes it feel almost like infidelity. Almost.

Anyhow, the problem that I really need some input on is this: He doesn't get erections anymore when he looks at my nude body. I've put on weight and I am chubby now, but not obese. He says that he's attracted to me, it's just that his body doesn't do what he wants it to do anymore. (He's in his late twenties.) We have sex regularly, but it takes physical touch to get him hard.

I'm going out of my mind because pictures of other women's nude bodies have no problem producing erections from him. I feel so unattractive and I have no self esteem left. I know some of you reading this will think that it's a matter of communication, but I've talked to him about it until I'm blue in the face. He just tells me the same thing over and over.

I guess my question is: Is it possible that he's really attracted to me and his equipment isn't working in synch w/his mind (I highly doubt) or is he just not attracted to me anymore because I'm not perfect?

Any help would be appreciated.

Dez

I don't always get as excited or wet as I did years ago when my husband and I were dating, but some stories and other people do that for me. Does that mean he should feel inadequate and unattractive? Of course not! The issue (I was going to say problem, but it's really not one) isn't HIM, it's simply novelty. He doesn't usually get an erection from just looking at me, but that's because he's seen me naked for the past 2500 or so days, not because I'm any less sexy.

Is it a problem for either of us to be aroused by other images, words, or people? Absolutely not! If we weren't, I'd wonder what was wrong with us. It's also not a problem that we're always not as excited by eachother; the fact remains that we DO turn eachother on completely, have a satisfying sex life that keeps growing better with time, and an incredible relationship. We do other things to bring that novelty back, and neither of us would trade what we have now for a little more initial arousal.

From my perspective, you can choose to view this negatively and allow it to feed into your low self-esteem, or you can see this as an opportunity to share in something that excites the man you love and bring some of those feelings you both used to have back. I'm not a fan of porn, and have certainly had those feelings of inadequacy, but then I stopped and really thought about:
-Was my husband any LESS attracted to me because he looked at those pictures? -Did looking at images pose any threat to our relationship?
-Had he ever indicated he actually liked those women better than me?
-Isn't it natural for men to be excited by images?
And I realized I really had no reason to be upset or compare myself to them... clearly I was the "winner," hands down (I figure if he truly wanted a woman like them, he wouldn't be with me).

I would be upset if he hid it from me, but would likely understand he feared my reaction. Plus, it sounds like this is something your husband has ALWAYS done, regardless of how you looked, so I think it's fair to conclude they're unrelated. I'm guessing you've talked about how much it hurt that he kept it secret, and have agreed he'll be open (and you won't react poorly) in the future.

My suggestion is to take a closer look at your reaction and feelings, and focus on building a healthy self-esteem. If you feel good about yourself independently and secure in the relationship, this will cease to be a problem for you. Good luck!

 

[human_male]

There might be nothing at all wrong. All men... and I'll repeat that... all men like to look at porn and beautiful women and pictures of beautiful women. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. It does NOT necessarily reflect your attractiveness. You could be the hottest, sexiest, horny sex bomb on earth and he'd still look at smut. It's just something guys do. It's our job. I don't think women truly understand that. They think if their man is satisfied he wouldn't have to look elsewhere.

As for not getting an erection from just looking at you... well he might have been able to do that when he was in his teens but things don't work that way when you get a bit older. Well, not for all men anyway. I personally require physical stimulation to get hard, that doesn't mean I'm not turned on. When you're eighteen your dicks hard all the time. When you're thirtyish... not so much.

Does he still seem into you during sex? Is everything else ok with the marriage? If so then don't worry.

 

[Melesse]

I'd actually agree on the problem of communication. You got married to a man who likes porn, and you are a girl who doesn't like porn (well, certain kinds...). Or is it the fact he's getting off without you?

Additionally, he's in his late twenties? I'm 25 right now, and it takes work for my wife to get me hard. Doesn't take much for other people, but that's b/c the newness is part of the attraction. Not necessarily a better part, just different. And Different can be a huge afrodisiac. Sex with one person gets boring after awhile. Yea, you've told him you don't like, and apparently it's non-negotiable with him. So either deal with it, or leave.

So all in all, it prob has nothing to do with your body, it's a combination of age and the fact that sex with you has become commonplace. Don't fret, there's things you can do to change it up. My wife and I recently lived out a Rape Fantasy of hers, and we're discussing all kinds of things to try and avoid the "7 year itch" and the commonality of married sex.

Melesse

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

let me first say I have not read everyones replies

but I will say this, speaking as a man I personally find a woman attitude more sexy then her physical attributes. Simply put, if she thinks she is sexy and confident in her sexual self I will find her sexy. 2 of the sexiest woman I have ever know were well over weight. So attitude is everything you have to love yourself first. For who you are not what you look like. Good luck to you and your hubby!

Holden

 

[human_male]

So all in all, it prob has nothing to do with your body, it's a combination of age and the fact that sex with you has become commonplace. Don't fret, there's things you can do to change it up. My wife and I recently lived out a Rape Fantasy of hers, and we're discussing all kinds of things to try and avoid the "7 year itch" and the commonality of married sex.

Melesse

Remember Dez that there might not be anything at all wrong. He just likes looking at porn, like all men. It's not infidelity. If I were in a relationship and my gf found out about the fact that I watch porn (not that I'd hide it) my attitude would be that it's not really any of her business. It's my own private personal business. If she wanted to share in it that would be great, if not tough titty as it's nothing to do with her.

And he's been doing it for at least ten years, right? Well then it's obviously nothing to do with you getting fat recently or just general boredom. And I agree completely with Holden, attitude is what's sexy, not whether you're thin or fat. I personally find plump girls appealing, especially naughty, sexy, saucy ones.

 

[HandFan]

I personally find plump girls appealing, especially naughty, sexy, saucy ones.

That just made my heart skip a beat...I am one and do love them too!

 

[Succulent-one]

First be grateful that he is looking at porn and not seeking other women on the outside.....this situation could be worse. Find some hunk sites that get your juices flowing and show him what really gets you cranked up.

Two....go to Weight Watchers and take off those extra 20 pounds. This will do a world of good for your self esteem. And I swear to god, if you are feeling good about the way you look your attitude rubs off on men.

 

[Eilan]

If I were in a relationship and my gf found out about the fact that I watch porn (not that I'd hide it) my attitude would be that it's not really any of her business. It's my own private personal business. If she wanted to share in it that would be great, if not tough titty as it's nothing to do with her.

I'll buy this, to an extent. However, I think a woman has a legitimate complaint if her SO prefers watching/jacking off to porn when she is (or wants to be) a willing partner. If my husband starts to spend a good deal of his spare time wanking to porn when I'm ready and available, then it's a problem, and it IS my business.

Furthermore, double standards can come into play here. I'd be inclined to go with Succulent-one on this and say, "If he's looking at porn, then you find something that YOU like and enjoy yourself!" Makes sense to me, but some men might have an issue with this, just like some men masturbate frequently but have issues with their partners doing the same. It's the attitude that men are constantly horny and therefore need such outlets as porn and masturbation, but if a woman has a man, then she doesn't need to masturbate or watch porn. She has a man, and that's enough. I know that not all men feel like this, but for some couples, it can be an issue.

To be fair, though, it seemed like Dezi and her husband were still having sex fairly regularly.

Wonder what happened to her, anyway?

 

[ewopper]

Thanks in advance for "listening." I need someone's help badly. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. About six months ago, I found out that my husband had been looking at porn. He hid it from me for almost ten years. He wasn't watching videos, but looking at pics of naked women. Now, I wouldn't have a problem w/the sex vids (and I don't, we watch them together all the time, now), but there's something about the naked pics of women and the fact that he's getting off on their bodies, not mine, and that he hid it from me for so long that makes it feel almost like infidelity. Almost.

Anyhow, the problem that I really need some input on is this: He doesn't get erections anymore when he looks at my nude body. I've put on weight and I am chubby now, but not obese. He says that he's attracted to me, it's just that his body doesn't do what he wants it to do anymore. (He's in his late twenties.) We have sex regularly, but it takes physical touch to get him hard.

I'm going out of my mind because pictures of other women's nude bodies have no problem producing erections from him. I feel so unattractive and I have no self esteem left. I know some of you reading this will think that it's a matter of communication, but I've talked to him about it until I'm blue in the face. He just tells me the same thing over and over.

I guess my question is: Is it possible that he's really attracted to me and his equipment isn't working in synch w/his mind (I highly doubt) or is he just not attracted to me anymore because I'm not perfect?

Any help would be appreciated.

Dez

Being a man and having been married twice, I went through that in both marriages.. I used to get stimulated by porn mags too but eventually even that wore off. First of all there's nothing wrong with you, accept the fact that you're still the same beautiful person you always were. Whatever you do try not to continue nagging him about it.In the mean time read up on ways to renew the romance. He could be under a lot of stress, and being a man not know how to communicate it to you. Anyway don't give up and don't
think any less of yourself because you're a woman you're a beautiful person
keep your head up and ride it out all things are temporary nothing lasts forever

 

[Hooper_X]

About six months ago, I found out that my husband had been looking at porn. He hid it from me for almost ten years...

This! is why I'll never marry again, the lack of autonomy, the wretched neediness, the suspicion and prying, the tedium of having to constantly shore up someone's fragile ego, the ever-increasing demands on my precious me-time, and most significantly, the unending litany of pedestrian melodrama--well, that and my horror at the notion of being legally obligated to bang one, and only one, woman for the rest of my life.