Expectations

[PyroDemon]

It's 2:00 in the morning, I can't sleep ( common for me ) and have been reading some insightful posts and info. A thought occurred to me that I should really, sit back and make a list of just what the hell I expected to get out of the D/s lifestyle. I really hate putting a name on it and I don't feel like I want to be classed as anything. I always thought I was doing what was "normal" . So I thought I would make a small list of my expectations in my hunt thru the world of BDSM--D/s .

1. As most I assume, to find my missing " piece ". That special person that lets me be everything I can be. Hell, it may not even be a person after all and to find out is why I am looking.
2. To further understand and comprehend my need to control. And to understand how to be better at it. The responsibility of control is a very strong reason in this.
3. To meet and interact with people of similiar interests. Let's face it, living in a cave is not that fun. I need to talk to others about my feelings just as much as anyone else. And there is nothing like a real person to have discussions with. As many times as I yell at a book or video it doesn't answer back.
4. To further find out just what I and possibly my partner will like. I have never been much of a porno person. not since my youth. Mostly just due to work and all the responsibilities I have and need to further my control needs. I have a good imagination and it has served me well. Yet I am amazed at how something that drives me as much as my sexual desire does that I have not researched it more and have more info on. I am a "must know" person and this strikes me as strange.
5. TV is boring, I can't work, my toys have not been played with in a while, and I actually stopped long enough in my life to think. Had to throw in something light hearted.

What just are you expecting ? And, what have you gotten out of it might even be better.

 

[graceanne]

I just want to be happy and loved.

 

[shelleb4]

looking for?

Fullfillment, satisfaction, peace, clear mindedness, that is what id like. It would be wonderful to think you could meet someone who is your perfect match, or as near as damn it. But unlikely in rl i guess.
But adventure along the journey, that is a must

 

[catalina_francisco]

I remember I expected an adventurous journey, and I decided that life was too short to waste anymore time so aimed high and decided I was going to search for someone who would not be just another partner for a space in time, but someone who would share a similar vision and be there for the long haul. I figured I had guided and encouraged many on a similar vanilla path to find their bliss, it was time I applied the same process to my own life, with the added twist of D/s of course. I was fortunate.....I found that one (far away, but hey, not impossible)....we now share the bond we wanted both in D/s and love, marvel at the depth of our relationship in all areas, and cannot imagine life with another.

It sends chills down my spine when I think of what I might have missed if I had not answered that email simply because of distance. We continue to grow together, fall in love all over again on an almost daily basis it seems, explore, and enjoy. The fascinating thing we have found is limits we previously held and thought would never shift have moved, disappeared, and yet we do not believe that would have been possible with others. Francisco says he finds this relationship is the complete opposite of any previous D/s relationships he had, and that he is a different person within and without it. I don't have as much D/s history to compare to, but do know I am willing to go much further for him than I ever anticipated before, and am a different person to the one I was before....subtle difference, but there. It is intriguing.

Catalina

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

Wow...

What a tough question.

It's hard to find someone who fits just what you're looking for.

I could write paragraph after paragraph about my personal likes and dislikes, but in the end, it would still boil down to what graceanne said: I just want to be loved and be ridiculously happy.

 

[fallon2]

What she said

and more.

IF the sub feels appreciated and cared for by the Master then many times the Master's expectations are also met.

A smart Master knows before the sub does (usually) if those expectations are being met.

 

[PyroDemon]

Originally posted by graceanne
I just want to be happy and loved.

I have to admit, that take away all the leather and lace and that is basically what we all expect, isn't it? But I will add one point to it. To love back. I am happy, I am loved, but to be the happiest, to feel loved completely and to feel I am in my rightful place. I need to be able to love with all my being. Now that is my biggest expectation, not only online, but of life in general.

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

I have to admit, that take away all the leather and lace and that is basically what we all expect, isn't it? But I will add one point to it. To love back. I am happy, I am loved, but to be the happiest, to feel loved completely and to feel I am in my rightful place. I need to be able to love with all my being. Now that is my biggest expectation, not only online, but of life in general.

Maybe I am selfish, but I respectfully expect love with the leather and lace. I highly doubt that I will ever find that kind of love again, but I had it once. I know it can be done.

I've also thought that you can't be loved if you aren't capable of loving someone else, yourself. I could be wrong. I'm wrong all the time and this could be one of those times.

It's not a bad expectation, either. We all need to be loved, and love in return.

 

[kitty4ever]

Been debating responding to this post or not. I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching lately. Mostly, I've been in a very somber and somewhat depressed mood. I've had expectations in the past. I've had hope, even though I was scared to death of being hurt again.

Lately, though, I can't find the strength to have hope or faith that I'll meet someone who won't just want to use me and toss me aside when he's done. I have a hard time not expecting the same from even those that approach me as a friend. I guess I look at anyone making an offer of friendship skeptically. I try not to reject, but I am standoffish when you first speak to me.

SkyBlu speaks of having to be able to love another to be loved, and I've heard it as you have to able to love yourself before you can love another and accept their love in return. Yes, I love myself. I have faith in myself, but I no longer have hope. Maybe I'm just too tired to prop myself up, anymore.

So, in answer to your question, I have no expectations. Then, I don't have to deal with disappointment.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... but I no longer have hope ... So, in answer to your question, I have no expectations. Then, I don't have to deal with disappointment.

Every time i hear/read someone say something like this, i have to remind myself each of us has the right to do with our lives what we will.

The reminder doesn't keep the original statement from pissing me off any less.

i understand cocooning, taking time to get your bearings, and overt sensitivity, but to adopt an "insulated at the bottom of the barrel" approach to life ain't living.

i don't believe in the "no-win" scenario (nods to the doc and CPT Kirk), and would rather die trying than sleepwalk my way through the rest of my life.

i'm sorry if this comes across as a flame, kitty, but i don't believe you, and i'll take the castigation from everyone here for getting in your face. You wouldn't be here posting most of what you do, if no spark still existed. Hold onto that belief, and assholes like the trolls that stroll through here win.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I agree with AA. I have been for a very long time terrified to take a full step out of the place kitty feels she is in right now. But having already been where i want to be once, and knowing its where i need to be and avoiding doing it has done nothing but make my heart hurt.
Getting hurt then retreating is ok (ive learned recently) but you cant let yourself stay in that place.


"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. "
Anais Nin




To answer the original question;
I want to be with a person who i am not afraid to show all of me too...and i want to feel safe there.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I expect all good things.

I work in a profession where I see too many bad things that happen to good folks.

You get back what you give ... one way or another and all in due time.

 

[kitty4ever]

I read what's been posted, and I think some of you have different definitions than I do, and I hope to clarify that. I do not see expectations the same as wants. Expectations are what we realistically expect to happen. I expect nothing. It saves from disappointment and hurt. That doesn't mean I don't want it, but I don't expect it. That's why I do not look for a Dom. I am a submissive. I can't deny what and who I am. But, I'm not one who has to have a Dom in order to survive.

I hope that makes sense. It's late, and I've been trying to post, but Lit has not been cooperating tonight.

As to why I am here, posting? I'm here because I enjoy the community, and respect the insights here. Yes, I read of your experiences, and yes, it somewhat hurts as I remember what I miss. I ache for it sometimes, but I know if I went to a Dom, just for that, I'd feel more empty afterwards. It's the same why I couldn't just go out and have a one night stand, just to have sex. I know me. I don't work that way.

If I give, I give my all. If I submit, I give everything that is in me. I can't do it for just that session or a weekend or a week. I'm there until the Dom tires of me. It's that large of a commitment for me. I can't just have a play partner. I'm not built that way. Some people are, and sometimes, I think you're lucky. I'm not.

I posted more than I planned, and almost deleted half of this post. But, I decided to keep it. Be upset or pissed off. I can't stop your reaction. I only have control over myself, my actions and my reactions.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I read what's been posted, and I think some of you have different definitions than I do, and I hope to clarify that. I do not see expectations the same as wants. Expectations are what we realistically expect to happen. I expect nothing. It saves from disappointment and hurt. That doesn't mean I don't want it, but I don't expect it. That's why I do not look for a Dom. I am a submissive. I can't deny what and who I am. But, I'm not one who has to have a Dom in order to survive.

I hope that makes sense. It's late, and I've been trying to post, but Lit has not been cooperating tonight.

As to why I am here, posting? I'm here because I enjoy the community, and respect the insights here. Yes, I read of your experiences, and yes, it somewhat hurts as I remember what I miss. I ache for it sometimes, but I know if I went to a Dom, just for that, I'd feel more empty afterwards. It's the same why I couldn't just go out and have a one night stand, just to have sex. I know me. I don't work that way.

If I give, I give my all. If I submit, I give everything that is in me. I can't do it for just that session or a weekend or a week. I'm there until the Dom tires of me. It's that large of a commitment for me. I can't just have a play partner. I'm not built that way. Some people are, and sometimes, I think you're lucky. I'm not.

I posted more than I planned, and almost deleted half of this post. But, I decided to keep it. Be upset or pissed off. I can't stop your reaction. I only have control over myself, my actions and my reactions.

There is truth in much of what you say, but I can't help but see most of the way you are feeling at the moment as a fallout of depression partly fuelled by past experiences you have let direct your expectations. Being used is unfortunate and cruel, but also is often something you can control, accept or not accept..it doesn't have to direct all future prospects. It is difficult to find that one special person, but even more so if you have given up hope, have no expectation of finding that which you crave, sit back and wait in misery. I know many here and elsewhere say if it is meant to be it will happen, but I tend to think that is a situation for a very few fortunate beings. It is also a very fatalistic, 'let the world direct my path' type view, absolving you of having any input in the outcome, any responsibility for your own happiness and future.

I used to hear it over and over and wonder how it was going to magically happen given I worked in a totally female environment and basically lived a reclusive life outside of that....didn't figure I would find a Dom in the supermarket during my 45 minute weekly speed shopping, or selling door to door, and as I always said 'no thanks' and shut the door before they had a chance to pitch their sales talk, I would likely miss him anyway if he did. I made a conscious decision to have some input into my own future, almost approaching it like a job/mission. I also was not interested in submitting to a long line of men, being taken advantage of and tossed aside when they chose..that is why in the interests of exploring my limits I played a little with some I liked as friends, but I submitted to none until I found the one who was as committed as I was, wanted love and D/s, and respected me 100% for who I was.

Don't give up....it is possible if you believe enough in what you want, accept nothing less than you deserve, and expect to be respected. I found I was given a lot more respect than many subs simply because I was so sure of what I wanted, was proactive about seeking it, and wasn't putting myself out there as a helpless sub drifting and expecting to be used. Hey if you need some inspiration, I was a divorced mother of 2 teenagers, a grandmother, in what most classed as middle age, seriously ill, far from financially secure, not a super model type, unemployed, depressed, and on top of that I dared have an opinion....but it didn't stop Francisco from coming 16,000 kms to claim me and look at what we have now. It isn't easy, but there are a multitude of similar success stories out there from people who have decided to direct their own happiness and find the Dom or sub of their dreams.

Catalina

 

[kitty4ever]

Thank you, Catalina, for your words and sentiments. You and Francisco are two that I somewhat envy, yet it warms my heart to see the relationship that you have. I did not know you before, but you are someone that I admire very much.

I would love to find someone who could give me that, love me wholeheartedly inspite of my flaws which can be quite a doozy at times. But, I don't expect it. Maybe, someday in the future, possibly years from now, I'll feel as you did and begin my search. But, I do know the now, and I felt that ToyDoc's question related to what do we expect now. Thus, I answered it that way.

 

[PyroDemon]

Originally posted by kitty4ever
Thank you, Catalina, for your words and sentiments. You and Francisco are two that I somewhat envy, yet it warms my heart to see the relationship that you have. I did not know you before, but you are someone that I admire very much.

I would love to find someone who could give me that, love me wholeheartedly inspite of my flaws which can be quite a doozy at times. But, I don't expect it. Maybe, someday in the future, possibly years from now, I'll feel as you did and begin my search. But, I do know the now, and I felt that ToyDoc's question related to what do we expect now. Thus, I answered it that way.

Kitty, I agree with you, I am finding I am admiring her myself.

Expectations are inevitable. It is part of the human condition. We cannot help it. They do change from day to day. What we expect today is not what we expect in the future. What I expected 20 years ago is far different from what I expect now. Sure I want the same as most, love, commitment, all the bells and whistles. I expect to get this and will not settle for less. Kitty, you may not have any expectations, but I think you do have one you may not realize. The expectation to get what you want. You simply will not settle for less and that I do admire. It may not be an active expectation, but it is there. We all have it. Well those of us that do not say screw it I am just a loser and I will just sit here and wait for life to happen. I am glad you are in no hurry. Speed and haste work great at the race track, but it sucks in a relationship. Continue on, when you are ready for that search. I am sure that what you seek will have already been found.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Having recently ended a long-term relationship - almost five years - which included both BDSM and marriage, I thought to look for a new partner, then realized that I needed to get myself settled into a new home, re-establish myself within myself, and stabilize my life. Therefore, I decided, I would stop seeking for a while and just enjoy the company of like-minded people here at Lit and at my local BDSM group, while I got my life together. I expected to live a fairly quiet life for a while, and then resume my search.

Lo and behold, while not seeking, I initiated a correspondence with one who had viewpoints complementary to my own, and who amused and entertained me with her wry outlook. It was my intention only to chat and correspond and be friends. Ha! I had chosen someone who is - as far as I can tell from 700 miles or so - a perfect match for my needs and desires, as I apparently am for hers.

After a lot of chat and correspondence, we have decided to be "engaged to be collared," meaning that we intend to focus our attentions on learning about one another and sharing ourselves with each other, to decide if we want to take that step. Both of us feel that collaring is at least the equivalent of 'nilla marriage - that it is a solemn commitment not to be taken lightly or entered into without a great deal of communication and thought. We also want to have some "real life" (i.e., physical) meetings, rather than webcams and chat windows and/or e-mails, to see if the chemical/physical attraction we feel through those media is the same when we are in the same place.

We don't know where it will go. We do know where we hope it will go. Our expectations are only this - that we will each give as deeply as we can of ourselves, that we might discover how deep it may become in the future.

Wish us well, my friends. We expect only that this will be a journey of discovery - but what we hope to discover is a treasure far beyond gold and jewels.

 

[kitty4ever]

Thank you for your kind words, ToyDoc.

I do wish you well, Sir Winston

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

<snip>After a lot of chat and correspondence, we have decided to be "engaged to be collared," meaning that we intend to focus our attentions on learning about one another and sharing ourselves with each other, to decide if we want to take that step.

Wish us well, my friends. We expect only that this will be a journey of discovery - but what we hope to discover is a treasure far beyond gold and jewels.

This made me smile one of the biggest smiles I've had all day!!

Sir Winston...I wish both of you well on your journey!

 

[Kajira Callista]

Two weeks ago i had what i thought were too many expectations to ever find the right One for me. I was ready to give up on all of it and retreat back into my shell never to reveal this person i am to anyone again. Im picky, i know all to well what i need and want in a Dominant and was sure no one existed who was all these things until i started talked to Sir Winston.
It was like i knew him forever, i was comfortable, safe...even smiling lol. We have the same expectations and i think thats the best part.
We are starting out as "engaged to be collared" because we didnt know what else to call it and that may sound silly but it fits. We have taken the first step in a commitment to each other, a step to build a strong foundation for our relationship. Whatever is to come after that will come, but my hopes or expectations now are that because the foundation will be strong nothing will break the bond.

 

[PyroDemon]

Well I am constantly amazed. The last thing I expected was this nice of a suprise on any thread I started. Congradulations to both of you. I hope you find half the happiness I have known. I believe you are both starting off in a fantastic direction.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

<snip> We have taken the first step in a commitment to each other, a step to build a strong foundation for our relationship. <Snip> my hopes or expectations now are that because the foundation will be strong nothing will break the bond.

My little one speaks truth. She doesn't seem to know another way. The steps may be quick or slow, easy or difficult. There will be many smiles, and perhaps some tears (not the good kind). But what we agree on is that we want our bond to be strong and long-lived, and to do that, we must build it carefully, with a strength that will enable us to weather whatever storms may come our way.

x Carl Sagan for KC

Durn... wonder if we can get lit to make a rose without the flower - just the stem and its thorns...

 

[Victoria_2001_02769]

Two weeks ago i had what i thought were too many expectations to ever find the right One for me. I was ready to give up on all of it and retreat back into my shell never to reveal this person i am to anyone again. Im picky, i know all to well what i need and want in a Dominant and was sure no one existed who was all these things until i started talked to Sir Winston.
It was like i knew him forever, i was comfortable, safe...even smiling lol. We have the same expectations and i think thats the best part.
We are starting out as "engaged to be collared" because we didnt know what else to call it and that may sound silly but it fits. We have taken the first step in a commitment to each other, a step to build a strong foundation for our relationship. Whatever is to come after that will come, but my hopes or expectations now are that because the foundation will be strong nothing will break the bond.

To my dearest Sweet Sister of My Soul ~ the one I call SilkyShadow: Mi bella cara mia ~ I wish you nothing but the best ~ total and complete happiness... for I know you have not had that for some time. We have had many talks... and many shared experiences... and you have been most helpful and insiteful in helping me find the other half of me.

May our bond(s) stay tight and continue to grow ~ and may you continue to prove to be ever more insiteful both to me and with me. You are indeed a treasure... one that should not ever be treated lightly or taken lightly. May your road to happiness and fulfillment be a long one... and may it hold only joy for you and yours at each turn. May any hurdle you come to, be overcome with ease and bring you ever closer.

I am so glad you have found so much of the happiness you have been seeking ~ and may it continue to be all that you, and Sir wish it to be.

I will ask the Goddess to lend an ear to hear you... and to be ever mindful of your requests...

It isn't Italian my darling... but it is, nonetheless heartfelt and true:

Yo Te Amo ~
Tu es mi corrizon y mi vida ~
Y mi favorita

 

[Kajira Callista]

Victoria you are a true friend, thank you *hug*

 

[Victoria_2001_02769]

Victoria you are a true friend, thank you *hug*

Gracias, no es importante, mi favorita! (Spanish: = Thank you is not important (needed), my favourite) I gladly return, tenfold to you, that which you have shown me... in a number of ways. You are you; you can not change you, nor should you. You have let me see the inner you... which only, by your words, a few are allowed/given/granted that privledge. That gift, of being allowed inside your inner sanctum... could only ever have been repaid with respect and a solid friendship.

I will do whatever is within my power to do for you and Your Sir... for you have shown me that respect takes many forms and is found in many ways. But to earn it... is to give it first; and it is to be a gift and once given, can not be taken back.

You have only to ask... and I will do what I can, if at all possible. If not... I will say.

Take care of my SilkyShadow Sir... for, as I am sure you are all too aware of... she is indeed a rare prize... and one to be most valued.

I am at Your service Sir... if You wish to not ask directly... then please feel free to send Your requests with Silky.

*inclines her head in Sir's direction... and keeps her eyes on Silky*