Every Sperm is Sacred

[Byron In Exile]

There are Jews in the world, there are Buddists,
There are Hindus and Mormons and then
There are those that follow Mohammad, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six footer,
You don't have to have a great brain,
You don't have to have any clothes on,
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came,
Because...

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground,
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

Every sperm is wanted,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

Every sperm is useful,
Every sperm is fine,
God needs everybody's,
Mine, and mine, and mine.

Let the pagans spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill and plain.
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

 

[APhil]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, here's a song I tossed off recently in the Carribean...

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick.
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the world's biggest prick.
So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake.
Your piece of pork,
Your wife's best friend,
Your Percy or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock.
But don't take it out in public
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.

Thank you very much.

 

[Peregrinator]

(spoken)
The world today is absolutely cracked.
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.
There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.
It's depressing, and it's senseless, and that's why...

(singing)
I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They only come up to you knees,
Yet they're always friendly and they're ready to to please.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
There's nine hundred million of them in the world today,
You'd better learn to like them, that's what I say.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They come from a long way overseas,
But they're cute, and they're cuddly, and they're ready to please.

I like chinese food,
The waiters never are rude,
Think the many things they've done to impress,
There's maoism, taoism, I-Ching and chess.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
I like their tiny little trees,
Their zen, their ping-pong, their ying and yang-eze.

I like chinese thought,
The wisdom that Confusious taught,
If Darwin is anything to shout about,
The chinese will survive us all without any doubt.

So, I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They only come up to you knees,
Yet they're wise, and they're witty, and they're ready to please

Wo, I chumba run,
Wo, I chumba run,
Wo, I chumba run,
Ne hamma, Ne hamma, Ne hamma chi chen.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They're food is guaranteed to please,
A fourteen, a seven, a nine and li-chese

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
I like their tiny little trees,
Their zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-eze

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
(fade out....)

 

[Byron In Exile]

DAD
So you see my problem, little ones... I can't keep you here any longer.

SHOUT FROM THE BACK
Speak up!

DAD
[raising his voice] I can't keep you here any longer... God has blessed us so much that I can't afford to feed you anymore.

BOY
Couldn't you have your balls cut off...?

DAD
It's not as simple as that Nigel... God knows all... He would see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to Him...

VOICE
You could have them pulled off in an accident?
[Other voices suggest ways his balls can be removed.]

DAD
No... no... children... I know you're trying to help but believe me, my mind's made up. I've given this long and careful thought. And it's medical experiments for the lot of you...

 

[Peregrinator]

"Not if we want to remain members of the fastest-growing religion in the world!"

 

[Byron In Exile]

MR. BLACKITT
Look at them, bloody Catholics. Filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed.

MRS. BLACKITT
What are we dear?

MR. BLACKITT
Why, we're Protestant! And fiercely proud of it!

MRS. BLACKITT
Why do they have so many children...?

MR. BLACKITT
Because every time they have sexual intercourse they have to have a baby.

MRS. BLACKITT
But it's the same with us, Harry.

MR. BLACKITT
What d'you mean...?

MRS. BLACKITT
Well I mean we've got two children and we've had sexual intercourse twice.

MR. BLACKITT
That's not the point... We *could* have it any time we wanted.

MRS. BLACKITT
Really?

MR. BLACKITT
Oh yes. And, what's more, because we don't believe in all that Papist claptrap we can take precautions.

MRS. BLACKITT
What, you mean lock the door...?

MR. BLACKITT
No no, I mean, because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-sixteenth century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue.

MRS. BLACKITT
What do you mean?

MR. BLACKITT
I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you...

MRS. BLACKITT
Oh, yes... Harry...

MR. BLACKITT
And by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller I could ensure that when I came off... you would not be impregnated.

MRS. BLACKITT
Ooh!

MR. BLACKITT
That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual's right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517, he may not have realized the full significance of what he was doing. But four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom. Oh no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want.

MRS. BLACKITT
You what?

MR. BLACKITT
French Ticklers... Black Mambos... Crocodile Ribs... Sheaths that are designed not only to protect but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress...

MRS. BLACKITT
Have you got one?

MR. BLACKITT
Have I got one? Well no... But I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high, and say in a loud steady voice: 'Harry I want you to sell me a *condom*. In fact today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant...'

MRS. BLACKITT
Well why don't you?

MR. BLACKITT
But they... [He points at the stream of children still pouring past the house] They cannot! Because their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages, and the domination of alien episcopal supremacy!

 

[Peregrinator]

http://notthebible.8m.com/b4.htm

 

[Byron In Exile]

O Lord, Please Don't Burn Us

HEADMASTER
And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour. And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Betheul-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. Here endeth the lesson.

[The Headmaster closes the Bible. The Chaplain rises.]

CHAPLAIN
Let us praise God. Oh Lord...

CONGREGATION
Oh Lord...

CHAPLAIN
Ooooh you are so big...

CONGREGATION
Ooooh you are so big...

CHAPLAIN
So absolutely huge.

CONGREGATION
So absolutely huge.

CHAPLAIN
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here I can tell you.

CONGREGATION
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here I can tell you.

CHAPLAIN
Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying.

CONGREGATION
And barefaced flattery.

CHAPLAIN
But you are so strong and, well, just... so super.

CONGREGATION
Fan - tastic.

HEADMASTER
Amen. Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. Now some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part in the life of the school but I remind you that it was presented to us by the Corporation of the town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury area so gallantly gave their lives to keep China British. So from now on the cormorant is strictly out of bounds. Oh... and Jenkins... apparently your mother died this morning. [He turns to the Chaplain.] Chaplain.

[The congregation rises and the Chaplain leads them in singing.]

CHAPLAIN AND CONGREGATION

O Lord, please don't burn us
Don't grill or toast Your flock
Don't put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock
Don't braise or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok

Oh, please don't lightly poach us
Or baste us with hot fat
Don't fricassee or roast us
Or boil us in a vat
And please don't stick Thy servants, Lord
In a Rotissomat
 

 

[Peregrinator]

From _The_Golden_Apple_ by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson
[as extracted from pp.438f of _The_Illuminatus!_Trilogy_ compilation]

``Very nice,'' I said. ``But why did you bring me up here?''
``It's time for you to see the fnords,'' he replied. Then I woke up in bed
and it was the next morning. I made breakfast in a pretty nasty mood, wondering
if I'd seen the fnords, whatever the fell they were, in the hours he had
blacked out, or if I would see them as soon as I went out into the street. I
has some pretty gruesome ideas about them, I must admit. Creatures with three
eyes and tentacles, survivors from Atlantis, who walked among us, invisible due
to some form of mind shield, and did hideous work for the Illuminati. It was
unnerving to contemplate, and I finally gave in to my fears and peeked out the
window, thinking it might be better to see them from a distance first.
Nothing. Just ordinary sleepy people, heading for their busses and subways.
That calmed me a little, so I set out the toast and coffee and fetched the
_New_York_Times_ from the hallway. I turned the radio to WBAI and caught some
good Vivaldi, sat down, grabbed a piece of toast and started skimming the first
page.
Then I saw the fnords.
The feature story involved another of the endless squabbles between Russia ad
the U.S. in the UN General Assembly, and after each direct quote from the
Russian delegate I read a quite distinct ``Fnord!'' The second lead was about a
debate in congress on getting the troops out of costa Rica; every argument
presented by Senator Bacon was followed by another ``Fnord!'' At the bottom of
the page was a _Times_ depth-type study of the growing pollution problem and
the increasing use of gas masks among New Yorkers; the most distressing
chemical facts were interpolated with more ``Fnords.''
Suddenly I saw Hagbard's eyes burning into me and heard his voice: ``Your
heart will remain calm. Your adrenalin gland will remain calm. Calm, all-over
calm. You will not panic. you will look at the fnord and see the it. You will
not evade it or black it out. you will stay calm and face it.'' And further
back, way back: my first-grade teacher writing FNORD on the blackboard, while a
wheel with a spiral design turned and turned on his desk, turned and turned,
and his voice droned on, IF YOU DON'T SEE THE FNORD IT CAN'T EAT YOU, DON'T SEE
THE FNORD, DON'T SEE THE FNORD . . .
I looked back at the paper and still saw the fnords.
This was one step beyond Pavlov, I realized. The first conditioned reflex
was to experience the panic reaction (the activation syndrome, it's technically
called) whenever encountering the word ``fnord.'' The second conditioned reflex
was to black out what happened, including the word itself, and just to feel a
general low-grade emergency without knowing why. And the third step, of course,
was to attribute this anxiety to the news stories, which were bad enough in
themselves anyway.
Of course, the essence of control is fear. The fnords produced a whole
population walking around in chronic low-grade emergency, tormented by ulcers,
dizzy spells, nightmares, heart palpitations and all the other symptoms of too
much adrenalin. All my left-wing arrogance and contempt for my countrymen
melted, and I felt a genuine pity. No wonder the poor bastards believe anything
they're told, walk through pollution and overcrowding without complaining,
watch their son hauled off to endless wars and butchered, never protest, never
fight back, never show much happiness or eroticism or curiosity or normal human
emotion, live with perpetual tunnel vision, walk past a slum without seeing
either the human misery it contains or the potential threat it poses to their
security . . . Then I got a hunch, and turned quickly to the advertisements. it
was as I expected: no fnords. That was part of the gimmick, too: only in
consumption, endless consumption, could they escape the amorphous threat of the
invisible fnords.
I kept thinking about it on my way to the office. If I pointed out a fnord to
somebody who hadn't been deconditioned, as Hagbard deconditioned me, what would
he or she say? They'd probably read the word before or after it. ``No _this_
word,'' I'd say. And they would again read an adjacent word. But would their
panic level rise as the threat came closer to consciousness? I preferred not to
try the experiment; it might have ended with a psychotic fugue in the subject.
The conditioning, after all, went back to grade school. No wonder we all hate
those teachers so much: we have a dim, masked memory of what they've done to us
in converting us into good and faithful servants for the Illuminati.

 

[Byron In Exile]

Every fnord is sacred.

 

[Killswitch]

What?

http://www.lorshasworld.net/earsplat04.jpg

 

[MunchinMark]

(singing)
I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They only come up to you knees,
Yet they're always friendly and they're ready to to please.

Hey Tortoise! Wherever you are.

Isn't this where you came in?

 

[Daedalus77]

Re: Re: Every Sperm is Sacred

What?

http://www.lorshasworld.net/earsplat04.jpg

Wasn't that a song? Can you here me coming?

 

[Tathagata]

"It's........whaaaayfer thin..."

 

[Byron In Exile]

"It's........whaaaayfer thin..."

http://bau2.uibk.ac.at/sg/python/Images/tmol01.jpg

 

[Tathagata]

http://bau2.uibk.ac.at/sg/python/Images/tmol01.jpg

hehehehehe
thats it

 

[glamorilla]

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

he's not the only one.

 

[tendril]

hehehehehe
thats it

Another Python fan signing in

 

[Draco]

"He's not the messiah, he's just a naughty boy"

Add another MP fan to the list.

 

[Draco]

http://www.orourke.com/colleen/webquizes/montypython/michaelpalin.jpg

BARBER:
I wanted to be... a lumberjack!

Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The lofty flowering Cherry! The plucky little Apsen! The limping Roo tree of Nigeria. The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant! The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak! The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip! The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus!

With my best buddy by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing!

[singing]
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.

MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!

[talking]
What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!...

[singing]
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

 

[dragonhearted]

Re: Re: Re: Every Sperm is Sacred

Wasn't that a song? Can you here me coming?

hell yes! that was in Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life"

 

[tendril]

"He's not the messiah, he's just a naughty boy"

That's pretty much my favourite line from the whole movie.

 

[Tathagata]

Another Python fan signing in

Evening Ms Tendril

 

[Tathagata]

How shall we fuck off oh Lord??

 

[tendril]

Evening Ms Tendril

That's morning to you