Etoile's Corner

[MissTaken]

Ha, I hadn't thought of that! I guess rather than putting me in the corner for something bad, it's more that I prefer to have my back to the wall so I can see what's going on around me. In restaurants I always take the seat closest to the wall, looking out at the rest of the customers. So in a corner I can see everybody, I guess!

I am the same way. Unfortunately, so is scooter. So we try to get a table that is kiddy corner so we can both people watch!

 

[Etoile]

Exactly how does one go about finding a Daddy? Lately I find I'm missing having that whole snuggly, safe, warm, protective, proud, strong, lovingly controling kind of person around.

It's really more about finding the right type of person, I think. For some people, the Daddy role comes naturally. They are a caring person. It's not that you seek out someone who is specifically interested in the Daddy role (although there are plenty of personal ads in gay papers for that!), but rather just someone for whom those qualities are part of who they are.

At least, I think that's how it works. I wasn't looking for a Daddy, but I ended up with one!

 

[BlueSugar]

I've always admired your willingness to share your life. You have/had several blogs, lit and other boards (gathering from your links/sig line) and online mentions.

and I wonder, if most of these are your choice or were made a part of your lifestyle for one reason or another () ?

And it seems you never tire answering our questions about Daddy or girlfriend (now called Wife -insert awww here-)... that alone made me post this- between the glbt and the bdsm(s) boards there seems to spring up 100 threads about Daddys and Poly-ness or Fistin... and you're always right ontop of it all helping every time one comes up... w/ not only personal experience but links upon links of great research.

its just so awesome of you !!!

there are others that do the same, that I tell here and there- they know who they are, but this is your thread this time.

I hope you're talk went ok, and that you are enjoying yourselves today





or does that go w/o saying ..hehehe ?

edited to add: I'm sure you know but this company (i don't know how many others... I'm a n00b)... but http://www.meschantes.com/ offers an etoile corset

 

[Etoile]

I've always admired your willingness to share your life. You have/had several blogs, lit and other boards (gathering from your links/sig line) and online mentions.

and I wonder, if most of these are your choice or were made a part of your lifestyle for one reason or another () ?

And it seems you never tire answering our questions about Daddy or girlfriend (now called Wife -insert awww here-)... that alone made me post this- between the glbt and the bdsm(s) boards there seems to spring up 100 threads about Daddys and Poly-ness or Fistin... and you're always right ontop of it all helping every time one comes up... w/ not only personal experience but links upon links of great research.

its just so awesome of you !!!

there are others that do the same, that I tell here and there- they know who they are, but this is your thread this time.

I hope you're talk went ok, and that you are enjoying yourselves today





or does that go w/o saying ..hehehe ?

edited to add: I'm sure you know but this company (i don't know how many others... I'm a n00b)... but http://www.meschantes.com/ offers an etoile corset

Awwww, thank you so much, BlueSugar! I have always found it easier to be honest and upfront about everything, so pretty much what you see here is what I really am! I have no problems with sharing my life. I do indeed have quite a number of places I show up online, including a journal that I update pretty much daily, as well as my new project (CyDy Blog, see sig!) which is also getting updated daily.

Keeping these journals was entirely up to me. Daddy used to give me writing assignments in the early days of our relationship, but hasn't for a few years now. My girlfriend sometimes reads my online journal, and my Daddy does know about it, but never reads it.

I love answering questions when I can! I didn't mean to become an expert on these things, but they're a part of my everyday life so I have plenty of experience to draw on. And as you noticed, I http://www.amanita.net/images/smilies/heart.gif Google! You can find out so many interesting things just by researching.

As for the talk, see the next post! And while I have heard of meschantes.com I didn't realize they had an Etoile corset, I'll have to check it out!

 

[Etoile]

We did indeed have a Serious Talk over the weekend, but I think it went pretty well. We got it out of the way very early and then we were free to have fun together!

One thing that was kind of weird this weekend was figuring out what to do together. We were all sexed out, so we were trying to figure out what else to do. We saw the new movie "What the Bleep Do We Know?" which I found very fluffy and weird. Has anybody else here seen it? We also took a walk...

AND WE SAW BOY GEORGE!

If we hadn't decided to go for a walk at 11:30pm last night, and if we hadn't turned around to head home when we did, and if we hadn't gone into the deli...we never would have seen him! I love coincidences like that. I didn't say anything to him, mostly because I couldn't think of anything TO say, but I caught a glimpse of a tattoo on his neck and looked it up online...sure enough, it really was him, oh my god! So that was cool.

Daddy and I ended up playing Roller Coaster Tycoon 2 together. Our relationship is pretty centered around sex, but I like when we can just enjoy each other's company and find other things to do.

 

[Betticus]

Sounds like you had fun.

 

[snowy ciara]

Have you tried Zoo Tycoon? One of my neices brought it over today. I'm addicted.

Note to all Zoo Tycoons: Do NOT put penguins and polar bears in the same exhibit. And if you do, and you get a message to the effect of "the penguins are NOT happy" go back and fix it right away. If you wait cause you have another crisis brewing you may not have any penguins left when you get back to it. But the Polar Bears were very very happy..

 

[Etoile]

Have you tried Zoo Tycoon? One of my neices brought it over today. I'm addicted.

No, I haven't! I have seen it in the game store but I never got it. I'll have to check again and see how much it is...thanks for the tip!

 

[Etoile]

Daddy and I tried some anal play this weekend and for some reason I couldn't take it. I think it was the size of the dildo and the fact that it was being operated by hand. I just sent a note explaining that I would like to be trained as an ass slut...we've talked about it before but I really want to DO it. We'll see how it goes.

 

[FungiUg]

Have you tried Zoo Tycoon?

My lover's youngest used to play it all the time. He had a tendency of feeding any complaining attendees to the sharks. There are all sorts of cheats so you can get Darth Vader walking round the zoo, and the like.

Zoo Tycoon II is due out shortly, I think.

 

[bytor2112]

too bad someone so pretty, etoile, is so fucked up in the head....sigh..

 

[lorddragonwolf]

My lover's youngest used to play it all the time. He had a tendency of feeding any complaining attendees to the sharks. There are all sorts of cheats so you can get Darth Vader walking round the zoo, and the like.

Zoo Tycoon II is due out shortly, I think.

what a way to kep complaints down. Shark bait anyone.

 

[Etoile]

One thing that happened this weekend has kind of been sticking in my head. I was looking in Daddy's "My Pictures" folder because I had screwed up the wallpaper and wanted to find the picture that had disappeared. I noticed a few pictures of women I didn't recognize, primarily webcam shots, including one with a bared breast. I didn't say anything and wouldn't have, but later we were looking at that directory together (there were some old shots of me in there too) and it was in thumbnail format, so I could clearly see the pictures of other women. I asked who they were, and Daddy named two people from the chat room where we both hang out (in fact met in). I know these women but hadn't talked to either of them recently. Daddy said they had sent em their pictures.

I got a little quiet after that, so e asked what was wrong. I said "oh, it's just kind of weird knowing there are other girls sending their pictures to your Daddy." E didn't really comment on that. Later, after I came home, it occurred to me that they could be having cybersex with em. So I told em "I don't want to know if you are having cybersex with them, but I want you to know I'm worrying about that. But I still don't want to know." Daddy just chuckled at me.

Sooooo...I'm feeling kind of weird now. I want to mention something to these girls, kind of "remind" them that e already has a partner - in fact, two girlfriends! (I'm pretty sure one of them knows Daddy and I are together, but the other might not.) But I don't think I should approach them directly about it. I have had major issues with jealousy throughout all my relationships, and if e is having cybersex with them I'd be pretty upset. But then again, maybe e's not. If e is, I want em to want to have cybersex with me even though it doesn't do much for me. (E's never asked me to explicitly, though we have had some private chats that basically turned into cybersex.) I would love to provide that service for em if e wanted it.

I don't really know what to do...all this was just floating around in my head and I wanted to get some of it out.

 

[sigsauerprinces]

just wanted to post and say i'm a member of the Etoile fan club...i dont really post that much but i always love reading your posts, theyre informative and honest, and honesty is something i value really highly in a person..i've clicked on the links in your sig and checked out your weblog and the pics from on our backs and i've always thought you were cool

about your last post...i have a thing with jealousy too. i guess my question would be what was the agreement re: cybersex with others when you guys got together? did you and E agree that E would be allowed to have cybersex with others, was it something you both decided would not happen, or was it not talked about? for me that would have a lot to do with how i proceeded. if i'd already agreed that my PYL could cyber with others than theres not much i can do, besides just let him know, once, that it doesnt make me happy. i cant keep complaining about it cuz i agreed to it. but if i didnt agree, i think i would definately bring it up-you have a right to expect your limits and boundries to be respected.

and last but not least-that is TOTALLY cool that you saw boy george

 

[FungiUg]

Etoile,

There's a difference between flirting and teasing and having fun with people, and having a committed relationship with someone(s).

When you are in a relationship, it doesn't stop you looking at other people or admiring them or even being attracted to them. Hell, in many cases, it doesn't stop you having SEX with them! "Infidelity" is rife, and part of the human condition.

The whole concept of exclusivity is... awkward. And very false. Your Daddy sounds human and normal -- still interested in sex, still interested in people and flirting. There's nothing wrong there. E has made a commitment to you though. If you feel e is falling down on the commitment, then yes you have an issue. But don't make an issue out of perfectly normal human behaivour.

Everyone is entitled to some privacy, including your Daddy. You inadvertently invaded that privacy. You discovered that e flirts and exchanges naughty pics with other people. So? Your own naked pics (as yummy as they are) have been available for other people to look at for some time... and yet I seriously doubt your Daddy thinks you are having cyber sex with everyone who has seen them.

Jealousy and possessiveness are relationship killers. They are not normal. They are not acceptable. The are not loving nor accepting of the person you apparently trust.

If you have an issue with your Daddy, then that's fine. You can raise it with er, and deal with it accordingly. But it sounds to me that the issue with with you.

 

[sigsauerprinces]

Jealousy and possessiveness are relationship killers. They are not normal. They are not acceptable. The are not loving nor accepting of the person you apparently trust.

i have to disagree with this. being overly jealous and possessive isnt normal, thats true. But a certain amount of jealousy is normal in a relationship, and honestly i would wonder about a relationship where neither party NEVER felt ANY jealousy.

scenario: you walk into a room at a party just as you see your signifigant other kiss someone and hug them before they part company. you've never seen this person before and as far as ysou know, you and this person are exclusive. who wouldnt feel just a tiny tinge of "who is that and why are they kissing the person i love?". at that point i would go up and just calmly say "who was that?" although my sig other would probably tell me first. at that point, if he says "oh that was a dear old friend of mine from college". i would say oh ok, cool....is she staying for the party?

being overly jealous would be if instead of believing him, i said "y ou always kkiss old friends like that? how come you never told me about her? are you sure you're not doing anyhthing with her?". you see what i mean? theres a difference between normal human jealousy, and abnormal jealously.

i just cant agree that a normal human being never feels jealousy. i think most of us do at one point or another, and no, thats not neccessarily a bad thing.

i also disagree that "the problem is with etoile" regarding her Daddy talking/flirting/cybering with others. theres nothing wrong with expecting exclusivity if that was the agreement-thats why i asked her what her agreement with Em is-is it exclusivity or is he allowed to cyber with others? if it was in their agreement that E not cyber with others and then E did, i think the problem lies with Em, not her.

i agree that being in a relationship doesnt stop you from looking at other ppl and finding them sexy, but if you've agreed to be comitted, it should stop you from actually doing things with other people, and that includes cybersex.

 

[FungiUg]

Yes, some degree of jealousy is normal, I admit.

Keep in mind that Etoile suspects her Daddy of cybering -- she hasn't actually asked whether e has cybered with others. So at this point it is just suspicion.

I reiterate that what I think is important is the commitment to the relationship. If Etoile's Daddy isn't giving her what she needs, then that's an issue. Suspicion, on the other hand, is not enough to be an issue.

I also have problems with the whole concept of "exclusivity", but perhaps that's just me.

 

[sigsauerprinces]

I also have problems with the whole concept of "exclusivity", but perhaps that's just me.

well its a valid point-are humans really meant to be exclusive? if you look at how much cheating goes on in this world, you'd have to wonder. but i know plenty of ppl who are exclusive with their partners and are happy that way, and not secretly wishing they could play the field...

for me personally i'm over the casual sex thing... to quote L.L. Cool J, I Need Love simple casual sex would not make me happy at this point. i'm in a relationship and i'm faithful and i'm happy like that. but i know it doesnt work that way for everyone and there are plenty of polys who are totally happy as well.

 

[Etoile]

Wow, I am really glad I posted about my concerns! Having an outside perspective makes things much easier to wrap my head around.

Fungi, you're right, I haven't actually asked about this. In fact, I probably don't even suspect, I just fear it. Daddy hasn't done anything to make me actually believe e's been doing anything with these girls...but from my perspective, just receiving the pictures scares me enough to fear that something more is happening.

ssp, I agree with you that if our original negotiations had included cybersex, I would have to either live with it or speak up about it, based on those discussions. But we never had original "negotiations" as part of our relationship; we have no contract. We just began our relationship together. As a slave, I always bend to my Daddy's will - at least in the end...sometimes I do struggle first! We have been renegotiating our relationship a bit lately (just last night I sent a list of things I am interested in trying more of, because boredom came up as an issue), so maybe now is a time to mention cybersex. I don't know if cybersex is cheating or not...that's a question for all couples, not just kinky ones.

I think the reason I'm jealous about it is that I want to provide that service for Daddy. I want to satisfy all eir needs...but that's not possible, because sometimes we are on different schedules! But I want em to look at porn when I'm not around, rather than interacting with another human being.

As for being poly...I don't really consider myself poly. I happen to love two people, but I don't associate myself with the poly community. I would be equally happy to be monogamous. As it is, the three of us are a "closed triangle." I have had to work very hard at overcoming my jealousy now that we are all in this relationship together (previously it was me and my gf, and me and Daddy), and I have finally reached a point where I am okay with things as they are. I choose not to know anything about my gf's and my Daddy's interactions with each other, because that would bring back my jealous feelings with a vengeance! So we see em separately.

Fungi, you make good points. It is normal for em to flirt with other people. I just worry about it going beyond flirting, you know? I guess my self-esteem is low enough that I worry I'll lose em, even though one of the girls is half a world away. (Don't know where the other one is.)

Eurgh, too much deep thinking. I'm gonna post this and do something else for a bit.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[FungiUg]

It is normal for em to flirt with other people. I just worry about it going beyond flirting, you know? I guess my self-esteem is low enough that I worry I'll lose em

Hugs

Firstly, a relationship should be open to communication. I think you need an "update chat" with your Daddy. Take out the rules of power exchange, and just sit down and have a good natter.

Be honest, but don't be accusatory. Just explain how you are feeling, and that you are having self esteem issues. So it's not that you don't want your Daddy flirting with other people, but rather you need a little more esteem boosting.

It has often seemed to me that self esteem is the basis of many issues around jealousy and possessiveness. (Not always, there are always exceptions.) Recognise that, and you can deal with what you really need, rather than just the symptoms.

In terms of your Daddy leaving you for someone else, that's a common fear around close partnerships. I think everyone worries that they will have to deal with that loss sooner or later. I've lived through the loss of my ex-wife (who is gay), and it was the hardest thing I've gone through in my life. So, you have reason to fear.

But I can assure you that even if your Daddy showed NO signs of flirting or playing with other people, you would still have this fear, and the possibility would still be there.

So what can you do? Productively, that is.

Well, it's all about communication again. Reassurance, expression of love and desire, esteem building stuff. So perhaps you are needing a little more of that from your Daddy to reassure you.

Also, it's about being able to look at yourself and what you offer to your Daddy critically and honestly. Be honest with yourself. And this means listing your strengths as well as your weaknesses.

We are our own worst critics. It's sad but true. We tend to focus on the negative. And when someone is constantly negative, it's very hard for them to give out love and be open and attractive. So unchecked, the fear of losing your Daddy can result in causing the very thing you fear.

So concentrate on the positive for a while. Ask for help from your Daddy and your partner. Get them to list the 10 things they love most about you. And then accept those as good qualities of yourself. Concentrate on accentuating them. If you focus on the positive, you will cheer yourself and those you love.

So... low self esteem means working on the positive. I know you have issues with depression -- as do I. So this is all stuff that works well for me. Depression means you (like me) probably focus on the negative. Snapping yourself out of it and making time to focus on the positive can help.

And of course, you have friends who love you to bits. So don't be afraid to ask us for help either.

 

[Etoile]

Fear about what exatly? And what exactly is it about his flirting/looking elsewhere triggers the fear? Is the fear triggered by "old tapes" from former relationships or your past, or from issues the two of you have had before? Depending on the answers the solutions may all be different or shift as time moves on.

As I mentioned, it's fear of losing em. It's not related to former relationships or previous issues...I think it's just low self-esteem.

Staying silent will only give the fear power, so maybe journal until your hand feels like it's ready to fall off and then talk things through until you find peace or a resolution.

Hmm. Well, I do like journaling, but I'm more likely to just run myself around in circles rather than finding a solution.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Etoile]

Hugs

That was an awesome way to start. Thank you. http://www.amanita.net/images/smilies/bighug.gif

Be honest, but don't be accusatory. Just explain how you are feeling, and that you are having self esteem issues. So it's not that you don't want your Daddy flirting with other people, but rather you need a little more esteem boosting.

Yes! You are spot on. I actually happened to catch Daddy online for a few minutes just now before e left for a movie, and we did have a little chat. Well, it was one way mostly! But I got out a lot of my concerns. I said that I feel e isn't talking to me when we're online at the same time - we hang out in the same space, and e talks to other people, but e never has anything to say to me. I recalled the conversations we used to have, which were private and intense and self-exploratory and sometimes very sexy. And finally I acknowledged that this was probably all a self-esteem issue, and then just when I thought I was done talking I said "I think I just realized what it is: I'm feeling unloved." E doesn't interact with me much online anymore, and that's our primary form of communication, so when we're not together I get basically no feelings of love. What's funny is that e was nice to me immediately afterward, saying things (in public no less) that were private jokes between us like we used to do, and things to make me smile. I just hope e keeps it up!

It has often seemed to me that self esteem is the basis of many issues around jealousy and possessiveness. (Not always, there are always exceptions.) Recognise that, and you can deal with what you really need, rather than just the symptoms.
[ ... ]
Well, it's all about communication again. Reassurance, expression of love and desire, esteem building stuff. So perhaps you are needing a little more of that from your Daddy to reassure you.

Oh, I figure self-esteem is the true root of most of my problems. If I had better self-esteem, I would be more confident in knowing that I am loved without needing it expressed. Daddy has told me "I love you" plenty of times (though usually I have to say "do you love me?" or "tell me you love me!") so I do know that e does, but my girlfriend constantly has to remind me because I'm always afraid that e doesn't love me anymore. But there's only so much "remembering" I can do...I need to be shown too.

Also, it's about being able to look at yourself and what you offer to your Daddy critically and honestly. Be honest with yourself. And this means listing your strengths as well as your weaknesses.
[ ... ]
So concentrate on the positive for a while. Ask for help from your Daddy and your partner. Get them to list the 10 things they love most about you. And then accept those as good qualities of yourself. Concentrate on accentuating them. If you focus on the positive, you will cheer yourself and those you love.

Thank you for pointing this out. I need to make one of those "good things about me" lists! I have done them in the past, but I need to do one again. I got some techniques for positive self-talk from the therapist I saw a few years ago...I will have to see if I can recall those.

And of course, you have friends who love you to bits. So don't be afraid to ask us for help either.

You are an absolute doll, Fungi. You have helped me process some of this and I really appreciate that. http://www.amanita.net/images/smilies/ily.gif

 

[FungiUg]

Good relationships take work... they don't happen magically. You have to keep at them to keep them working.

And you are most welcome, Etoile. Now I just have to figure out exactly what kind of doll it is that I am. Raggedy Ann? Porcelain? One of those scary little Chucky the Clown dolls that goes around killing people at night?