Establishing trust

[Guest]

 

[Natalie Nessus]

To my mind, establishing trust is one of the more important apects of a D/s relationship. It's difficult enough to do in real life situations, but how does one go about it in an on-line situation, where there is often little r/l contact, particularly at the beginning of a relationship?

Does anyone have any ideas?

I think it is the same with all relationships? It is slow, there are doubts but your heart is vibrating so you go on? We must be prepared to peel the onion, to slowly remove the layers until the realness is there.

We can not expect all to be revealed in a second, it takes time and we must be prepared, otherwise we do not give love the chance to find us. The journey of romance is fun too

When meeting there are procedures that must be followed for safety, of that there is no doubt.

 

[truthpurveyor]

Nessus, your words are true...as in any realtionship it must be nurtured to grow. What you put into it you will receive back tenfold.

I would like to share words given to me by my first love, a gentle woman who gave me more than words could ever describe.



"Love is a river, one supplied by tears of pain and pleasure, it is not the ending but the journey we must hold in our hearts and treasure."

Only years after her leaving this world did I finally understand the meaning of these simple words and now smile at her memory.

Appreciate who you are with, help them grow to thier fullest and if the day comes that they must leave give them your blessing and love.

 

[geri]

trust both in rl and online is established through both parties proving consistantly that they are as good as their word. it is not easy in real life and sometimes harder online but my Master and i have done so and i feel like the trust we built over the internet is just as real as real life trust.

honesty and a willingness to be open with each other knowing that you might get hurt but willing to forgive if that is the case. just like real life.

 

[this one]

Only time...

this one believe that time heals all wounds and wounds all heels, as the saying goes, but that time also shows all deceptions. In cases where one person is not being honest with another, if the relationship lasts long enough, and the person being deceived is willing to see reality, then decption will be discovered in time.

This is not to say that you do not have the job of interaction and making it work and hapen as well.

 

[geri]

very true, this one. trusting someone does not mean going into something blind. it means that you are willing to give them the chance to prove that they are what they say they are. in time you are no longer giving them a chance but you know that they are that person and that is when the trust can deepen.

 

[cellis]

Oh foxy...

Trust is something I really have to work on...

I have a tendency to keep myself closed off on a deep level from others... too many broken promises, too much heartache and way too much dishonesty in the past...

When I began this journey, one of the things that most appealed to me was the honesty that many in this community seem to have, the openness... and I was not willing to have one more relationship without that honesty and openness...

And then Himself happened to my life... and he was not willing to let me hide, from either him or myself, the truth of who I am... I did not trust him in the beginning and much to his chagrin, there are still levels that I don't trust him with...

I test the waters a little at time, sometimes just to see if he will stay or go... and still he stays... and he is patient with me... he pushes a little and I resist... he waits and I move forward... we grow together... sometimes it is easy and sometimes it is painful...

Trust takes time.

I think the bottom line is that all of us have baggage from the past. Today I can continue to carry that baggage around with me, or I can put it down, work through it a little at a time and discard what I no longer need to protect my soul. Of course, it does help if the other person in the relationship realizes that you need time to do this...

 

[morninggirl5]

Trust is the hardest part of any relationship for me to freely give. I constantly find myself giving increments of trust, i can honestly say i've never trusted anyone with all of me. Some have been given access to my body and heart, but very few have been given access to my hopes and dreams, and none has yet reached into my soul.

Taking those steps toward trust takes a long time for me and unless i'm pushed, i don't take them easily, even when i have a need to do so. We all have to learn to trust our own judgement and once we do that, it's easier to trust others.

Trust is the essential part of any relationship and takes work to nurture and keep alive.

How to do that? If anyone really figures it out, they'll make a mint. It's something we all have to figure out for ourselves - those moments and "tests" that will lead to trust are vastly different because our life experiences leading to the lack of trust are different.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Establishing trust

I think it is the same with all relationships? It is slow, there are doubts but your heart is vibrating so you go on? We must be prepared to peel the onion, to slowly remove the layers until the realness is there.

We can not expect all to be revealed in a second, it takes time and we must be prepared, otherwise we do not give love the chance to find us. The journey of romance is fun too

When meeting there are procedures that must be followed for safety, of that there is no doubt.

I agree, patience is the watch word here. It may take months or years to build trust. I think it is because many people are not outed to anyone.


They may still have a high leve of confusion and fear. And they may have jobs and families who would not understand their needs and wants.

Ebony

 

[JazzManJim]

foxy, there are only two things which build trust, in online or offline relationships: time and knowledge.

The more time you spend learning about someone - not only about their likes and dislikes, but about their life, their personality, their everyday mundanities - the more you'll trust them, if they've proven trustworthy. But, if you want to trust, you have to be willing to trust. Whereas it's true that trust is earned, it can't be earned from the chronically skeptical.

That's been my problem for a couple of years and it's only beein in the last three or so months that it's been better. I've not been willing to trust and as long as I was in that place, not even God Himself, with a handful of sworn affadavits, could have convinced me to trust anyone about anything.

So you have to be in a place where you're not only willing to trust, but ready to accept that trust in return. Then, don't rush it. Enjoy the time you spend learning about that person, getting to know them in large and small things. It's important to know where they stand on the big things, sure, but to know that they like Wheaties for breakfast is important, too. The smallest things build trust. They make the other person more *real*, I think.

 

[badmatt]

Patience is a virtue

And we all have to have it to establish trust. You have to start with little things. Telling people just the small things, and when you're comfortable with that, sharing the bigger things, and finally those deep dark things that are buried deep inside that you rarely share.

I don't think it's totally the same here as in RL, but at the same time, it's not so incredibly different. You trust personalities, and feelings, you never trust based on looks or first impressions do you?

 

[LarzMachine]

Trust

I've always been a weirdo.

I think I've always had "leanings" toward BDSM, but what really pushed Me into it completely was having a girlfriend try to kill Me. She tried to give Me AIDS. Not bad for a first time, no? Fortunately, I didn't get it. Of course, that has a funny way of seriously screwing with your sex life.

Ever since then, it's like the controlled situation of BDSM took over completely. To even think about getting that close to someone again requires more that just trusting them. The only place I've ever seen that level of trust between partners is in a BDSM relationship.

Maybe it's because the partners are more aware of the potential for harm, or maybe it's because there's such an intimate bond between partners who literally put their well-being in the hands of another. I'm not sure why. All I know for sure is, My present Mistress/slave (She's a switch too) is the only one I trust enough to do anything with, and I get the shakes with Her too.

Well, I've babbled enough about this.

 

[morninggirl5]

Does anyone else have any thoughts on this topic?

I revisited it because establishing trust is something i'm going to have to do. I know i'm going to have to trust someone with the important part of me.

I've learned today that the more someone tells me i should trust them without giving me any reasons the less likely i am to think i could ever trust them.

Being dishonest about something as insignificant as a misplaced im statement is definitely on the list to put you in my "Nope, not ever going to trust them" category pretty fast.

 

[cellis]

MG, I just went back and read what I had written five months ago. I cannot believe that I have not come further than I have. It is possibly the most difficult thing I do... trust Himself. I think part of that is because I don't always trust myself.

 

[Shadowsdream]

trust

I believe one thing that a Domme can do to help a submissive to learn to trust safely is to watch for every single minute hedge in honesty...so minute that even the sub has not noticed it. And call them on it. Dig, dig, dig..make them face it and every single nuaunce of it. Teach them how this affects the relationship. Show them that it will not be tolerated.

A Dominant can not expect trust until She has earned it, so She cannot say trust Me just because I am a Domme. That being said a sub cannot expect a Domme to trust them if they hedge on their honesty either.

Both should state up front that they understand trust takes time, work and a true desire to attain it.

Dishonesty..even unintentional is the quickest way to erode a relationship that may have been your long time magic.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Interesting topic....

 

[esclave_PP]

To establish trust you need competance, reliability, honesty and caring -- have the 4 of those in some degree and you have trust. Trust is crucial and key to most D/s and M/s relationships.

 

[s'lara]

Elusive and fleeting. Recognize it when you have it and don't treat trust like a disposable commodity. If you do ... shame on you.

lara

 

[celiaKitten]

Honesty. Total honesty .. obsessive honesty.

Communication. About the big stuff, of course, but perhaps more importantly about the little stuff.

And time. It takes time for trust to grow.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: Trust

Ever since then, it's like the controlled situation of BDSM took over completely. To even think about getting that close to someone again requires more that just trusting them. The only place I've ever seen that level of trust between partners is in a BDSM relationship.

Maybe it's because the partners are more aware of the potential for harm, or maybe it's because there's such an intimate bond between partners who literally put their well-being in the hands of another. I'm not sure why.

I think this is true, at least for me, and in a long term relationship. I think part of it is not just the placing of your life in another's hands, but the level to which many in BDSM relationships seek to know the other. From what I see and read here, there is more of an effort to understand, to relate on a deeper level, and to know all about the other person, both good and bad. Often IMO in the vanilla equation there is a desire to not go so deep, often a tendency to walk away from problems, whereas in the BDSM relationship it is seen as part of the whole process to face the challenges and work through them on all levels, a joining of two lives more so than 2 lives lived mostly separately....which in turn often establishes a deep trust born of knowing who you are, who you are with, what you can expect, and where you are both heading.

Catalina

 

[LovingDaddy]

I definately agree with everyone that establishing trust is one of the more important apects of a D/s relationship, as well as any relationship and difficult in real life, as well as online situations.
It's my own experience and opinion that in online relationships it may often take a bit more time to establish that trust, especially if you are in an long-distance online relationship.
I'm currently working towards a first-time meeting with My babygirl who I met online. We've been chatting online for several months now and getting to know one another. The trust is there on both ends and this first public meeting is just another step towards bringing U/us together and building a deeper trust. Face to face, she will be able to see my eyes and expressions and I hers. We can discuss things that we've discussed online and expound upon them and definately move forward.

 

[Esclava]

It is possible to establish trust in an online relationship. It is NOT easy, but can be done and requires honesty, Honesty, HONESTY!
Especially in the beginning. If you are not honest with each other, there is no hope for the relationship to grow.

Unfortunately, there are some things that do not transfer across the online miles. If physical touch from your Dom is important to you, you will not enjoy an online relationship. The trust can (and probably will) be there, but you may always feel like something is missing. Thus, shortchanging yourself and your Dom on trust in the process.

But love can and does happen online and if you have both love and trust, you cannot possibly go wrong.

Esclava

 

[slaveskinky]

Trust and Commitment

i met Biker in online chat. I know from that first moment i fell for Him hard and fast.. Over a three month period i grew to need and want Him desperately. Did i believe / trust Him, yes i did. We would see each other only ocassionaly face to face over the next two and a half years before becoming 24/7. IT was very different from an online relationship. Many times over the past fours years has my trust been tested. Many times events that accurred tried my trust. Did my love for Him ever waver,no it did not. Did my committemt to Him ever falter, no it did not. i have had to work through many issues with Him. He was patient while i came to terms with certains issues, such as becoming a poly house.
i will add here, Biker had one rule: Never say No.

i had one alternative, to except or leave. I worked to except, Leaving Him was not something i felt i could handle. After six years our trust is equal.

In my writings ,which patiently i am waiting for approval to have them posted, I cover these six years in detail.
The one posted now gives draws quite a picture.


A slave's Journey
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=133074:rose:

 

[rexfelis]

My take on establishing trust is this. All things begin with the Golden Key: Proactive Communication.

And that communication must be, as someone else said, "obsessively honest".

I find that with Mine, it is often necessary, as much as I am trusted, to pull things out of my slave. She is so used to having to hide her feelings and so used to having her point of view ignored that even with all I have done to reverse it, she still clams up when she gets upset. I can either wait for her to calm down, or I can corner her and give her no option but to flame me. Sometimes one, sometimes the other. But in any case, I will hunt down the problem and, through open, honest, pro-active (and sometimes aggressively pro-active!) communication, we have kept our relationship alive through things that would have destroyed other relationships.

There is nothing so important, in my mind, as open, honest, proactive communication. It is upon this that trust can be built safely.

 

[Netzach]

honestly I can't say I've really trusted people until I've spent a lot of time with them, and yes, that includes face to face. There are too many people spending too much time getting really good at elaborate lies. That said, there are people online I may *believe* if not totally trust.

I can't explain how a bullshit meter or a set of red flags works, only that both have sharpened a lot after being lied to a lot a few times and let down a few times.