wynterskies1
Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 28, 2012
- Posts
- 62
I just had a great conversation with a great guy about ending violence against women. I figure that he and I can't be the only Lit users who've seen a lot of violence against women, so I want to share some information with people who need help or want to help a loved one.
Remember that some men are victims of domestic violence, too. Although, most victims of domestic violence are women and children. Globally, 1 in 3 women faces violence in her lifetime. Violence against women is underreported and more women face violence than we know about. Domestic violence effects people of every age and background.
Here's a website with resources for getting help yourself or helping an abuse victim: http://feminist.org/911/crisis.html
This is the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Here is their website: http://www.thehotline.org/
Information on domestic/global violence against women: http://www.amnestyusa.org/our-work/i...en-information
Information on domestic violence: http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticV...(National).pdf
This website might help anyone you or anyone you know if abuse is a problem in your community. Caution: There are a couple of religious references, but it's not proselytizing. I'm not religious and the advice is the same advice you can find on any non-religious site about domestic violence. I survived domestic violence while growing up and have studied domestic violence, so I can say that non-religious people will also find the website's advice helpful and accurate. Just ignore the maybe 3 references to religion if you're not into that.
It's a really good source for teaching people how to recognize abuse and help to stop it. Please see the website:http://www.roarforfreedom.com/helpin...olence-victim/
Here's some great advice from the website above about how to help an abuse victim and help to keep them safe:
- Listen to her story and validate her feelings. Even if you know her husband and can’t believe he would do what she is telling you, keep an open mind and give her an opportunity to tell her story.
- Be aware that she may not see herself as an “abused woman.” Let her know that abuse of any kind is wrong, and name the behavior for what it is without verbally attacking the abuser.
- Acknowledge her bravery and courage in breaking the silence and seeking help. Realize that she may feel like she is betraying her husband by talking about the abuse. Help her understand she has done the right thing for the whole family to seek help.
- Assess her level of safety by asking questions about what is currently going on and what abuse has taken place in the past. Ask her to describe her husband’s behavior in various scenarios.
- Be supportive, but do not tell her what to do. Give her options that will help her make decisions for herself. If she decides to go to a shelter, call a crisis hotline, or make other arrangements to leave, give her the phone number and let her make the call herself. This allows her to be responsible for her own decisions. Exception: In a crisis when she is in danger, take action to help her get to safety.
- Keep your conversation confidential, and DO NOT contact the abuser to tell him you have been talking to his wife (unless she gives you permission to do so). If he contacts you, DO NOT divulge any information, especially if she has been taken to a safe location. You could endanger her life!
- Never advise a woman to return home to work things out with her abuser if she has been physically battered or if her life has been threatened. You will place her in greater harm!
- If the victim chooses to return home against your advice, make sure she knows how to contact you if she needs help. Find out when it would be okay for you to call and find out how she is doing. Don’t try to force her into making a decision she is not ready to make.
- Realize that you have only heard a part of the story. Don’t minimize the seriousness of the situation just because the victim appears to be strong and brave, or because you can’t believe her husband would act that way. Ask questions and be an attentive listener as the story unfolds.
- Don’t spend much time deciding who provoked whom. When you see dynamics of fear and control at work in the marriage, it is the abusive behavior that must be confronted.
- Never counsel the abuser and victim together. It puts the victim in more danger and gives the abuser more power. Most victims will not feel free to talk about what is really going on in the home if the abuser is sitting next to her. He will try to control the conversation and intimidate the victim with words or a look that lets her know she should keep her mouth shut if she knows what’s good for her.
- Marriage counseling does not work in domestic violence situations.
- Anger management classes do not work in domestic violence situations. The abuser may learn how to divert his anger from physical abuse to verbal or emotional abuse, but unless his opinions about women and feelings of entitlement are changed, he will repeat his behavior.
- If the abuser is a member of your church [my edit: or any other organization] and wants to meet with you, do so in a location where he will not come into contact with his wife.
- Do not expect him to admit being abusive. He may suggest his wife is mentally unstable and demonstrate a false concern about her mental health. He will minimize his behavior or blame his actions on his wife’s behavior.
- Refer the victim and abuser to professionals who are experienced with domestic violence issues. Don’t try to deal with the problem alone.
- Don’t fall for the abuser’s claim that he has changed, even if he does admit being abusive. He may claim a conversion experience, and even if it is real, he should still be held accountable for his actions. An apology, tears, promises, or a religious experience does not eliminate the need for maintaining safety until the change can be verified by time and professional counselors.
- Do not encourage reconciliation too soon. In the case of physical abuse, safety is the priority. If the abuser has truly changed and wants to do whatever is necessary to restore the marriage, he will be willing to wait as long as it takes to prove himself and rebuild trust.
Statements of Affirmation To The Victim:
- You are not alone.
- Abuse is wrong. It is not your fault.
- You did not deserve being hit.
- You are not responsible for his behavior.
- You have a right to see your family.
- No one deserves to be talked to that way.
- Your first responsibility is to protect yourself and your children.
- God [my edit: or whatever you believe in] does not condone abuse. He wants you to be safe.
- God [my edit: or whatever you believe in] will not abandon you regardless of your choices.
[my edit: Just a reminder, you DON'T have to be religious/believe in anything to get help with these resources. The last resource has some religious references, but the hotlines are non-partisan, so religious and non-religious people alike are welcome at all these resources. It's for everyone.]
Remember that some men are victims of domestic violence, too. Although, most victims of domestic violence are women and children. Globally, 1 in 3 women faces violence in her lifetime. Violence against women is underreported and more women face violence than we know about. Domestic violence effects people of every age and background.
Here's a website with resources for getting help yourself or helping an abuse victim: http://feminist.org/911/crisis.html
This is the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Here is their website: http://www.thehotline.org/
Information on domestic/global violence against women: http://www.amnestyusa.org/our-work/i...en-information
Information on domestic violence: http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticV...(National).pdf
This website might help anyone you or anyone you know if abuse is a problem in your community. Caution: There are a couple of religious references, but it's not proselytizing. I'm not religious and the advice is the same advice you can find on any non-religious site about domestic violence. I survived domestic violence while growing up and have studied domestic violence, so I can say that non-religious people will also find the website's advice helpful and accurate. Just ignore the maybe 3 references to religion if you're not into that.
It's a really good source for teaching people how to recognize abuse and help to stop it. Please see the website:http://www.roarforfreedom.com/helpin...olence-victim/
Here's some great advice from the website above about how to help an abuse victim and help to keep them safe:
- Listen to her story and validate her feelings. Even if you know her husband and can’t believe he would do what she is telling you, keep an open mind and give her an opportunity to tell her story.
- Be aware that she may not see herself as an “abused woman.” Let her know that abuse of any kind is wrong, and name the behavior for what it is without verbally attacking the abuser.
- Acknowledge her bravery and courage in breaking the silence and seeking help. Realize that she may feel like she is betraying her husband by talking about the abuse. Help her understand she has done the right thing for the whole family to seek help.
- Assess her level of safety by asking questions about what is currently going on and what abuse has taken place in the past. Ask her to describe her husband’s behavior in various scenarios.
- Be supportive, but do not tell her what to do. Give her options that will help her make decisions for herself. If she decides to go to a shelter, call a crisis hotline, or make other arrangements to leave, give her the phone number and let her make the call herself. This allows her to be responsible for her own decisions. Exception: In a crisis when she is in danger, take action to help her get to safety.
- Keep your conversation confidential, and DO NOT contact the abuser to tell him you have been talking to his wife (unless she gives you permission to do so). If he contacts you, DO NOT divulge any information, especially if she has been taken to a safe location. You could endanger her life!
- Never advise a woman to return home to work things out with her abuser if she has been physically battered or if her life has been threatened. You will place her in greater harm!
- If the victim chooses to return home against your advice, make sure she knows how to contact you if she needs help. Find out when it would be okay for you to call and find out how she is doing. Don’t try to force her into making a decision she is not ready to make.
- Realize that you have only heard a part of the story. Don’t minimize the seriousness of the situation just because the victim appears to be strong and brave, or because you can’t believe her husband would act that way. Ask questions and be an attentive listener as the story unfolds.
- Don’t spend much time deciding who provoked whom. When you see dynamics of fear and control at work in the marriage, it is the abusive behavior that must be confronted.
- Never counsel the abuser and victim together. It puts the victim in more danger and gives the abuser more power. Most victims will not feel free to talk about what is really going on in the home if the abuser is sitting next to her. He will try to control the conversation and intimidate the victim with words or a look that lets her know she should keep her mouth shut if she knows what’s good for her.
- Marriage counseling does not work in domestic violence situations.
- Anger management classes do not work in domestic violence situations. The abuser may learn how to divert his anger from physical abuse to verbal or emotional abuse, but unless his opinions about women and feelings of entitlement are changed, he will repeat his behavior.
- If the abuser is a member of your church [my edit: or any other organization] and wants to meet with you, do so in a location where he will not come into contact with his wife.
- Do not expect him to admit being abusive. He may suggest his wife is mentally unstable and demonstrate a false concern about her mental health. He will minimize his behavior or blame his actions on his wife’s behavior.
- Refer the victim and abuser to professionals who are experienced with domestic violence issues. Don’t try to deal with the problem alone.
- Don’t fall for the abuser’s claim that he has changed, even if he does admit being abusive. He may claim a conversion experience, and even if it is real, he should still be held accountable for his actions. An apology, tears, promises, or a religious experience does not eliminate the need for maintaining safety until the change can be verified by time and professional counselors.
- Do not encourage reconciliation too soon. In the case of physical abuse, safety is the priority. If the abuser has truly changed and wants to do whatever is necessary to restore the marriage, he will be willing to wait as long as it takes to prove himself and rebuild trust.
Statements of Affirmation To The Victim:
- You are not alone.
- Abuse is wrong. It is not your fault.
- You did not deserve being hit.
- You are not responsible for his behavior.
- You have a right to see your family.
- No one deserves to be talked to that way.
- Your first responsibility is to protect yourself and your children.
- God [my edit: or whatever you believe in] does not condone abuse. He wants you to be safe.
- God [my edit: or whatever you believe in] will not abandon you regardless of your choices.
[my edit: Just a reminder, you DON'T have to be religious/believe in anything to get help with these resources. The last resource has some religious references, but the hotlines are non-partisan, so religious and non-religious people alike are welcome at all these resources. It's for everyone.]
