Empty

[Garnate]

JBJ is a little bitter because this thread hits close to home. Poor guy hasn't been able to use his penis since '62 because that's when the pills stopped working. Think about it. That's over 50 yrs of not knowing a woman's touch. ANYONE'S touch. I could just change all of his comments in this thread to read "I'm a naughty little sailor" but I think the best route is to just ignore his senile moment and concentrate on the good advice you were given by others. Your situation sucks and I hope you're able to do what's best for you both, whether a doctor's visit/counselling works or divorce. Good luck, sweet woman.

 

[silverwhisper]

o garnate, surely it's clear to everyone that JBJ jerks off a lot just reading his obviously masturbatory accounts of things he insists he's actually done IRL!

ed

 

[Garnate]

o garnate, surely it's clear to everyone that JBJ jerks off a lot just reading his obviously masturbatory accounts of things he insists he's actually done IRL!

ed

That's what he wants you to think.

 

[Felix_Jones]

My husband --- who I love dearly, and I know loves me -- is impotent. Or as he puts it: it isn't working down there. The first couple years, I thought it was me. He just didn't respond to overtures and didn't initiate any of his own. I waited patiently. I knew he wasn't cheating. He simply isn't that motivated and everything else btw us is fine and good. He had returned from Iraq, so I thought it was because of that. Then as time went on, I started thinking "are we ever getting back to the wai it was?" (Which was great btw). After the first few years and quite a bit of prodding from me, he admitted the equipment isn't working. He's 51. By then, I'd lost all confidence in me. It never occurred to him "I would take it personally" ... Seriously, MEN!!! He won't see a doctor or discuss alternative means of intimacy. All in all, I haven't been touched in 8 years. Lately, I've been considering asking him to discuss letting me take on a lover to meet the physical needs. I don't want to be a cheater. I m in this marriage to stand by him in sickness and in health. But I am not ready to slam the door on my sexual needs. I don't want an affair .. I don't want cheap, one night stands ... I want a rich sexual life that will respect my marriage. Am I unrealistic to think this possible? And if this could happen, how do I ask him without hurting him?

Get a divorce. They are expensive because they are worth it.

 

[TossHerSalad]

A year ago, my wife and I had hit a new low in our sexlife. Part of it was me... part was her. I was diagnosed with low testosterone, and once I started treatment... I got horny as hell.

But my wife... that was a different story. She was never all that sexual to begin with, and was more than content to get intimate once a month. She said she just didn't have any desire.

We argued over it for weeks. I looked deep inside of myself and realized it was completely my fault. In fact, I'd been withholding affection for years. No sex for me... no foot rubs, no cuddling for her. After realizing that, I fessed up. I got downright vulnerable and talked about it. I wasn't just horny... I needed that intimacy of sex. For many guy's that's what sex is all about, it's how we show intimacy. But women look at intimacy different. I needed to meet her at that level.

And once I did... the cuddling and foot rubs skyrocketed the oxytocin in her. Those "cuddle hormones" are REAL. To make a long story short, we're "back in the saddle" now... exploring like we never had before. She actually looks forward to our trysts now... and has dealt with some of her feelings about sex.

So... I know it's a different situation with you. But there may be some golden nuggets you can take from the story.

1- Get vulnerable and discuss. It won't be one convo... but the cumulative effect of several talks... while keeping a cool head, and steering the conversation that way repeatedly.

2- Maybe your hubby is low T.

3- Cuddle hormones are powerful.

But it all starts with discussing. I remember back before I took responsibility for my part of the issue. We were talking about my desire to make more love. And my wife said, you're being ruthless about getting sex. I told her yes I am. I have to be. If I'm not... no one will be... and maybe we won't last unless we deal with this. That convo, followed up a few days later with my admission seemed to be the turning point.

The final lesson I learned is when love is there... things can always get worked out. If they can't... you have to wonder if the love is really there.

Good luck, my lady...

 

[shellieslut]

My ex was impotent , I loved him so much though

 

[suckonsimon]

Sassy. Here's my offering:

My wife and I had two years with no sex and nearly a year before that with our previously fantastic sex life disintegrating. We didn't know how to talk about it or deal with it and that was the hardest part. Then, about 18 months ago, we found a way to begin again. What we have now is in several ways richer and more exciting than what we had before. Now the reasons were not your reasons; but I offer our story in outline in order to feed your hope that things could change, if he and you found a way.

I am 61 now and I well remember that when ED began for me aged 52 it was crushing to my sense of self. Mine was simply and straightforwardly getting older whereas I imagine if your man's relates to his military service there are far more layers. However, there are options open to guys which are becoming more various and cheaper all the time. Please click on my thread from my signature to get some insight into conversations about that on lit thus far.

You are, if I may say so, rather too kind towards your man about this. He perhaps needs a kick up the backside about his failure to address his need and more importantly your need. You have said lovely things here about your vows; what about his: "With my body I honour you" - "To love and to cherish". The guy who is doing nothing about your sexual appetite is failing badly on his vows and needs to know that and step up to the situation like a man rather than shrink into his own problems. I wonder if he needs 'shocking' into action some how.

If anything I have written is insensitive or hurtful please forgive me. You are quite a woman to have stepped up to starting this thread, darling.

Simon

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

o garnate, surely it's clear to everyone that JBJ jerks off a lot just reading his obviously masturbatory accounts of things he insists he's actually done IRL!

ed

I feel unclean knowing you think of me sexually. I'm not available to you so youll need to remain with emerson.

 

[amofiga]

To the OP

Others have said it. ED can be a symptom of hear/circulatory system disease. Or it could be caused by other physical problems. Or it could be a psychological issue. IF....big IF he's serious about solving the problem, the he needs to first see a doctor for some tests of his circulatory system and perhaps testosterone level or other potential problems. If he checks out ok, then perhaps try Viagra or Cialis or Levitra. If that works, you're home free. If not, maybe he needs to see a therapist. Perhaps both of you together to see if there's something in the relationship that has him failing to perform.

If all that fails, then you can opt for other sexual acts to satisfy you. He needs to learn some good oral and manual technique and perhaps get a good collection of vibrators. If he just doesn't want to do any of that, then maybe you need to find a discreet relationship on the side. Some couples have incorporated that with open knowledge. I had a lady friend in the past for whom I served that purpose and her husband knew about me. Didn't know me personally, but knew "about" me. But that takes a special sort of relationship to work. First get him to a doctor.

 

[desertslave]

For the health aspect, do you share a family doctor? Or at least know who his doc is? I would honestly just ambush him, get him to an appointment and sit down with him and the doc as do as much talking as needed. He might be unhappy but I think this is a case where it's easier to apologize than to get permission. Especially if he is the non-confrontational type, this might be sort of mean, but you've taken the ball, bounced it around for a while with the doc, and put it solidly in his court. Affirm how much you care for him and that you're primarily concerned for his health.

If he won't talk with you, write to him! You've posted here very clearly how his neglect makes you feel. Remember that guys can be kind of obtuse sometimes, and need things spelled out for them very, very clearly. Spell out your loneliness and disappointment because of his neglect and offer him whatever intimacy you would like to have. Be explicit in telling him that he does, indeed, still have other body parts to pleasure and comfort you. Also, it's not at all impossible that, while he might not be able to have an erection, he can still feel pleasure too. From simple touches all the way up to, and including oral sex. Again, perhaps, an ambush might be in order. Slide on down some morning (maybe take note if he has any semblance of 'morning wood' while you're there, that can help the doc), wrap your lips around him and see what happens. It is entirely possible for men to orgasm without an erection, and he may be writing off some really wonderful experiences.

 

[SassyButShy]

Thank you to all of you who have posted kindly. The advice and insight I've received have been valuable. The smart ass remarks directed to the trolls have been both priceless and funny.

Today, I happened to be seeing a specialist in regard to my upcoming surgery and I decided to talk to him about my husband. The comments about ED having possibly other causes has made me concerned for his well being. Problem is, he never goes to the doctor. EVER. Today's doctor gave me some literature I will pass on.

If husband still insists on not getting this checked out, I can't force him. But I'll find a professional I can talk to and work out my feelings about this and to cope.

I'm definitely not divorcing him. Not over this. I can either learn to quash my own desires, get them met ... Or learn to live with them not being met.

Thank you very much for all this advice. It's helped clear the fog for me so I can better see the paths in front of me. You're very good people.

 

[Garnate]

Thank you to all of you who have posted kindly. The advice and insight I've received have been valuable. The smart ass remarks directed to the trolls have been both priceless and funny.

Today, I happened to be seeing a specialist in regard to my upcoming surgery and I decided to talk to him about my husband. The comments about ED having possibly other causes has made me concerned for his well being. Problem is, he never goes to the doctor. EVER. Today's doctor gave me some literature I will pass on.

If husband still insists on not getting this checked out, I can't force him. But I'll find a professional I can talk to and work out my feelings about this and to cope.

I'm definitely not divorcing him. Not over this. I can either learn to quash my own desires, get them met ... Or learn to live with them not being met.

Thank you very much for all this advice. It's helped clear the fog for me so I can better see the paths in front of me. You're very good people.

Have you been completely honest with him about what a big deal this is to you? Does he care that it's a big deal to you? This might've been covered already so I apologize if you answered these before. JBJ's posts were reported so I read those only.

 

[SassyButShy]

Yes. He knows. He know the damage to my self esteem when the first few years I thought it was me and he didn't fix that notion. By the time had, irreparable damage had occurred. He "felt bad" but didn't try to help repair it.

He knows I've felt the sting of rejection when I would try to surprise him in the morning with special attention to morning wood. He just rolls over.

I've made it clear I miss the fun intimate moments. The cuddles. The interest in each other. I've literally said "this is hurting me and I'm afraid but he doesn't respond.

He knows. He knows ...

 

[Garnate]

Yes. He knows. He know the damage to my self esteem when the first few years I thought it was me and he didn't fix that notion. By the time had, irreparable damage had occurred. He "felt bad" but didn't try to help repair it.

He knows I've felt the sting of rejection when I would try to surprise him in the morning with special attention to morning wood. He just rolls over.

I've made it clear I miss the fun intimate moments. The cuddles. The interest in each other. I've literally said "this is hurting me and I'm afraid but he doesn't respond.

He knows. He knows ...

This is where I ask you why you'd never leave him. This goes deeper than a lack of sex drive; he doesn't care that you're hurting and he isn't seeking treatment of any kind. I'm sorry but no one deserves a husband or wife like that so again, why not divorce him?

 

[suckonsimon]

This is where I ask you why you'd never leave him. This goes deeper than a lack of sex drive; he doesn't care that you're hurting and he isn't seeking treatment of any kind. I'm sorry but no one deserves a husband or wife like that so again, why not divorce him?

My response to Garnate's point if you were to take it up: It would be because this man has neglected a central element of his marriage vows, for eight years.

 

[silverwhisper]

sassy, i gotta say he sounds pretty fucking selfish. that's not deserving of divorce, i agree, but it sure as hell isn't good.

ed

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

This is where I ask you why you'd never leave him. This goes deeper than a lack of sex drive; he doesn't care that you're hurting and he isn't seeking treatment of any kind. I'm sorry but no one deserves a husband or wife like that so again, why not divorce him?

Cuz she needs his money.

I'm betting she cheated on him while he was in the Middle East, he found out, and she's getting his payback.

 

[Felix_Jones]

Another day of nagging recriminations. Another day of begging for that worn out drooping vagina because you think it's the only one you're allowed. Another day of mewling, wanting spawn with their neverending greed. Impotence is a biological message telling you that your wife and children were a mistake.

 

[Harold_Hill]

Sincere questions seem to bring out the sickos, don't they?

 

[Kitty]

My husband --- who I love dearly, and I know loves me -- is impotent. Or as he puts it: it isn't working down there. The first couple years, I thought it was me. He just didn't respond to overtures and didn't initiate any of his own. I waited patiently. I knew he wasn't cheating. He simply isn't that motivated and everything else btw us is fine and good. He had returned from Iraq, so I thought it was because of that. Then as time went on, I started thinking "are we ever getting back to the wai it was?" (Which was great btw). After the first few years and quite a bit of prodding from me, he admitted the equipment isn't working. He's 51. By then, I'd lost all confidence in me. It never occurred to him "I would take it personally" ... Seriously, MEN!!! He won't see a doctor or discuss alternative means of intimacy. All in all, I haven't been touched in 8 years. Lately, I've been considering asking him to discuss letting me take on a lover to meet the physical needs. I don't want to be a cheater. I m in this marriage to stand by him in sickness and in health. But I am not ready to slam the door on my sexual needs. I don't want an affair .. I don't want cheap, one night stands ... I want a rich sexual life that will respect my marriage. Am I unrealistic to think this possible? And if this could happen, how do I ask him without hurting him?

My ex is only 24 and has ED It ruined our relationship. Not because I'm not understanding. But because he refuses to open up and fix the present and underlying issues. Ugh. And then he throws it back in my face like, "Well if you didn't want me to do this and that it wouldn't be an issue!"

 

[Kitty]

This is where I ask you why you'd never leave him. This goes deeper than a lack of sex drive; he doesn't care that you're hurting and he isn't seeking treatment of any kind. I'm sorry but no one deserves a husband or wife like that so again, why not divorce him?

Mhm. I left my ex and he was just a bf. But marriage is tougher to leave, especially if they've been together for so long, and she said everything else is okay. I don't see how that could be, though. But okay.

I was wondering "8 years?"

 

[suckonsimon]

My ex is only 24 and has ED It ruined our relationship. Not because I'm not understanding. But because he refuses to open up and fix the present and underlying issues. Ugh. And then he throws it back in my face like, "Well if you didn't want me to do this and that it wouldn't be an issue!"

Kitty, ok it's easier for me, now 61, 'accepting' ED. But is there a guy who doesn't know that there are things you can do, stuff you can take, conversations about anxiety and the rest that you can have! It's like, "I've broken my leg but crutches are embarrassing so I'm gonna stay in bed." Guys? You'd give up on this? And lose so much? And leave your woman high and dry? When there are actions you can take to make the difference????

 

[prdigy666]

Seriously, any and all of you with the quick "divorce his ass" are fucking sad as shit. I'll take online bullshit so far until it actually pisses me the fuck off and some of y'all pissed me off.

If the guy isn't willing to get help, that's one thing. But take it from me. A man that goes of to war and experiences the shit that we experienced, no matter what his job was is deeply effected by it. And I'm sure you're thinking "Yeah, I feel for the guy, but eventually enough is enough." You have no clue what that man went through. Whatever you have in your mind, double it and that still doesn't come close.

Now, you have a fucking warrior (again, despite his job was, he's a fucking warrior) that was a king of kings. He comes home and now, out of everything, his masculinity is gone. Puff, out of here, just like that. It's fucking humiliating for him. You can tell that by the sad looks and quickly trying to change the course of the situation. Yeah he can finger fuck her and use toys, but that's like telling an astronaut who's depressed about never being able to go to space again, "Hey buddy, don't be so fucking glum. Space is right above your head. Just have to look up!"

This woman has a man that loves her but is fucking hurt badly. And she obviously loves him. You'll never EVER have the slightest clue as to what's going through that mans mind. I swear if we were at a bar and I heard a conversation like this, I'd start bitch slapping the first guy that responded like this until he pissed blood.

Sweetheart... I don't know if you tried it or not, but your best bet is to sit that man down, tell him it's normal and you're there for him. If you love him, tell him you love him no matter what. But you're worried and would like him to consider him seeing somebody about his emotional and/or physical state. You surprise that guy with an intervention with a doctor and it's going to crumble his world. He's too proud for that.

 

[SassyButShy]

Yes, Harold Hill. Certainly does bring out the sickos. I wonder if those posting such cruel things realize there's an actual human being with feelings sitting here and reading them. Did they wake up this morning and say to themselves "let's find someone who is down and see if we can beat her further into the ground"?

 

[prdigy666]

Side note, I think it was pretty fitting that post was my 666th...