Empty

[Garnate]

I got him... No worries

Ugh...

 

[midwestyankee]

@SassyButShy, you've got a problem and I suspect that you came here out of near complete desperation.

About five years ago my wife and I reached a point where I felt that there was no hope for us as a couple. I'd tried multiple times over a period of three years to get her to see that we had a problem and she dismissed it with apologies that she works so hard and doesn't have much time for intimacy and a dozen other excuses. Finally I got to a point that was similar to where you are now and I didn't know how to move forward. We'd read books on marriage together but there was no change. She'd done some counseling, even, but nothing really changed.

I decided that the only way out was to get out; to ask for a divorce. I was deathly afraid of the headaches and pain of doing a divorce but I was convinced there was no other way. So I sat her down and told her that in my view we had grown so far apart that the only rational next step was to divorce. That stunned her.

She asked for one thing: that we talk about what had gone wrong so she could understand herself better for the future. I agreed to a few months of talk while continuing to live together. She began reading and thinking and journaling and seeing a therapist. I did the same. It took well over a year, but we figured out how we had each contributed to a weakened relationship and had begun to work on doing things better.

I honestly believe that if I had not put the threat of divorce on the table, it would have eventually happened anyway. Instead, the shock gave her the motivation to look into her own actions and work to be a better partner. Without that shock we would have eventually failed, probably in a way that would have damaged our family irreparably.

I don't know what it's like to have to readjust to civilian life after being at war, and your husband's experience with coming back is likely different from many others. But whatever the cause, he's not living up to his side of the partnership, If he is not willing to take 100% responsibility for the success of the relationship while you, also, take 100% responsibility for the same, then the marriage is going to fail.

Somehow, I doubt if he would ever have sat down and refused to do what he needed to do when he was in the service. Because that would have endangered the success and safety of his outfit. He knows how to do this; unfortunately it's up to you to shock him into seeing that nothing has changed. He's still 100% responsible for the success of his outfit.

 

[Emerson40]

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Hey! Ask Sassy how her grooming is. Maybe daddy has a sensitive nose.

 

[silverwhisper]

em, that was fucking awesome!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

em, that was fucking awesome!

He drags it out occasionally, when he has nothing else to respond with. Its the same as posting, I CANT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION BUT YOU SUCK. I'm not surprised youre awe-struck. If he posts the same next week youll be just as surprised and delighted as today.

 

[desertslave]

Congrats, Emerson, you made me snort my coffee this morning!

 

[Eilan]

Emerson's post makes me wish Lit had a "Like" button.

 

[SassyButShy]

Agree with Eilan. Loved Emerson's post ... Among many others

 

[jomar]

That's pretty good.

Assuming things are on the up and up, SBS, is it possible he's asexual? Maybe gay? Haven't read the whole thread.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

That's pretty good.

Assuming things are on the up and up, SBS, is it possible he's asexual? Maybe gay? Haven't read the whole thread.

Our all-knowing panel divine their infinite wisdom without facts or testimony from all parties. They REALLY know!

 

[SassyButShy]

Definitely not gay or asexual. Thanks for your input though.

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

He knows I've felt the sting of rejection when I would try to surprise him in the morning with special attention to morning wood. He just rolls over.

If I read this right, he gets erections, "morning wood". If this is correct, his problem is more than likely not physical. PTSD is more than likely the issue.

One of the tests for ED is to check for erections while asleep. Dr's used to tell you to wrap stamps around your flaccid pens before going to bed. Now they have sensors, I'm sure.

I haven't read all the way through, yet, so I apologize if this has been mentioned previously.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

If I read this right, he gets erections, "morning wood". If this is correct, his problem is more than likely not physical. PTSD is more than likely the issue.

One of the tests for ED is to check for erections while asleep. Dr's used to tell you to wrap stamps around your flaccid pens before going to bed. Now they have sensors, I'm sure.

I haven't read all the way through, yet, so I apologize if this has been mentioned previously.

PTSD is a bull shit diagnosis and often used to expand military medical disability benefits. Many vets are diagnosed PTSD who never served in a war zone or combat operation. Assignment to Saudi Arabia and hotel quarters is now enough. But its often reserved for non-hacker homesick mama boys.

Correctly applied PTSD should be limited to egregious combat ordeals like brutal abuse in foreign prisoner of war camps or ship wreck in shark infested waters. NOT hotel billets with air conditioning, restaurant chow, and the internet.

I worked with one old gal who simply drove past a dead Iraqui and qualified for a medical disability discharge and retirement with the state government (she was a member of the National Guard with 16 years service and a high enlisted rank). In Vietnam I often saw bodies stacked like wood, and often ate lunch near them. Flies were a bother, tho.

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

JBJ go back to the thread that no one will argue that you are an expert in, prostitution, aka: paying women to pretend they enjoy your company.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

JBJ go back to the thread that no one will argue that you are an expert in, prostitution, aka: paying women to pretend they enjoy your company.

The right word you want is quarrel.

 

[Emerson40]

Our geriatric, self-appointed, trailer-park OZ shares his infinite bullshit wisdom, without facts or testimony from all parties. A misogynist PROLLY knows!

Hey ol' farty pants, fixed your post.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

 

[jomar]

Our all-knowing panel divine their infinite wisdom without facts or testimony from all parties. They REALLY know!

We hear one side here. So did you when you psychologized folk. You had to act without all sides weighing in, right? It's in good faith, but yeah, incomplete data.

 

[jomar]

PTSD is a bull shit diagnosis and often used to expand military medical disability benefits. Many vets are diagnosed PTSD who never served in a war zone or combat operation. Assignment to Saudi Arabia and hotel quarters is now enough. But its often reserved for non-hacker homesick mama boys.

Correctly applied PTSD should be limited to egregious combat ordeals like brutal abuse in foreign prisoner of war camps or ship wreck in shark infested waters. NOT hotel billets with air conditioning, restaurant chow, and the internet.

I worked with one old gal who simply drove past a dead Iraqui and qualified for a medical disability discharge and retirement with the state government (she was a member of the National Guard with 16 years service and a high enlisted rank). In Vietnam I often saw bodies stacked like wood, and often ate lunch near them. Flies were a bother, tho.

It's not a bullshit diagnosis, but anything can be abused.

 

[silverwhisper]

i'm just curious jomar: why are you taking the old windbag seriously? i mean, you've been around and posted enough to know better.

ed

 

[box13]

If I read this right, he gets erections, "morning wood". If this is correct, his problem is more than likely not physical. PTSD is more than likely the issue.

One of the tests for ED is to check for erections while asleep. Dr's used to tell you to wrap stamps around your flaccid pens before going to bed. Now they have sensors, I'm sure.

I haven't read all the way through, yet, so I apologize if this has been mentioned previously.

Physical stamina and emotional health. Erections occur when your mind isn't busy but may not last long enough for sex.

What about trying some herbs and exercise? I suppose I may know of a similar situation. Years of sitting (for work) and hearing how it wasn't enough for her and then the occasional argument did it in for me. Yes, call me a wimp, but I stopped pushing the issue (pun intended) years ago.

Counseling will be a long difficult road. Taking on a partner won't be an emotional positive, unless he's got some MFM fantasies floating around that he hasn't shared.

Sorry, none of the options sound easy.

And I'm really sorry to see all the bored idiots jump in here, only trying to upset and discourage you.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

It's not a bullshit diagnosis, but anything can be abused.

It is a bull shit diagnosis. In 65 years I've run into two bonafide PTSD cases.

One involved a sailor who drifted for many days after his ship (USS INDIANAPOLIS) was torpedoed in the Pacific. The ordeal was horrific for all. The other involved a Marine who killed a friend and comrade who was in the wrong place during combat.

http://www.ussindianapolis.org/story.htm

Almost every PTSD patient I ever encountered was a homeless bum and alcoholic impersonating a military veteran. None were veterans. Studies of Vietnam veterans revealed that few were honest to God PTSD victims. PTSD requires over the top trauma. I've seen guys who came unglued being away from Ma for the first time. My son has the diagnosis for, get this, a temp assignment to Saudi Arabia where he stayed in a hotel and repaired/modified weapons in an air conditioned shop. The MD gave him the diagnosis to goose his real medical disability from anthrax vaccine. Nasty shit.

The diagnosis is like the ADHD tag for kids who fidget in class. The real diagnosis is DEVELOPMENTAL DELAY, that is IMMATURITY, but you cant bill for immaturity or misbehavior. Real ADHD is something to see and write home about. Such kids make Tasmanian devils seem lethargic or sedate.

 

[SweetSam42]

I'm really sorry to see that this thread was diluted with info not helpful to the OP.

Thanks to all you men who opened up about this issue. I've long wanted to start a thread about this, but presumed I'd get zero men willing to offer up personal info. I'm in a similar situation, and the toll it takes on a marriage and a woman's self esteem can be devastating. I have absolutely no solutions, but wanted to voice my thanks to all you here who have been helpful.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

The Usual Suspects here were as happy as pigs in shit when ROLLINGSTONE printed its rape nonsense, and who cant agonize with Lena Dunham over her imagined rape. We eat that shit up around here cuz we're so fuggin stupid. Youll fit in well.

 

[Arabsemen]

He's not cheating. He's simply not that motivated. It used to bother his exes because he was so passive. People who've known him all his life frequently comment how far he has come to life since we got together 11 years ago. He's had a very hard life and he found his resilience to endure it all by just not engaging. He's not a bad person. Very kind, a hard worker, we've got each other's back when it comes to the care taking needs of our aging family members, we laugh and play a lot. It's just that part is gone. But no, I'm not in denial. He's not cheating. Loyalty is important to him.

I don't want my marriage to die. I can't abandon him for this. Impotence is an illness and our vow is "in sickness and in health." Maybe I'm the one being selfish here. When we had that physical intimacy, it was so wonderful. I felt beautiful and loved. I miss that.

Wait a second, you started out by saying it had been 8 years since you two have had sex and now you say you have only been 11 years total. It seems to me the time to say 'not enough is not good enough' was a long time ago.

By now you have to decide if you are really only best friends or is there more there. It sure sounds like your are his best friend and that's it.

I wish you the best