Eh? Canadian jokes?

[Isabella Thorne]

... ha ha ... i never heard of Canadian jokes before ...

On a Canadian TV station just now, i heard my first one:

Q: How do you get 10 Canadians out of the pool?

A: You say: "Would you please get out of the pool?"

... that is fucking hysterical ... lol ... we are just so damn polite ... ha ha ...

there must be more ... heard any?

 

[Nogard]

Having lived on the Canadian border for years(Sumas) I love your sense of humor. Keep up the good work, you make my day

 

[april-wine]

You might be a Canadian Redneck if...
. . . if most of your clothing has Canadian beer logos on them.
. . . if you've ever hummed "Bud the Spud".
. . . if you've never realized that most of the lyrics in Gordon Lightfoot's "Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald" don't rhyme.
. . . if most of your wardrobe is plaid (including hats).
. . . if you like the music of Gordon Lightfoot, Stompin' Tom, or Buffy Sainte Marie.
. . . if you know who Gordon Lightfoot, Stompin' Tom, or Buffy Sainte Marie are.
. . . if you actually like to wear a toque.
. . . if you have over ten pounds of moose or deer meat in the freezer at all times.
. . . if you mix French and English in the same sentence. (This only applies if you're a Francophone.)
. . . if you've ever been "out and about".
. . . if you "hang out" at Tim Horton's.
. . . if you use the words "friggin'" or "arse" or "friggin' arse" on a regular basis.
. . . if you have a bumper sticker or an article of clothing that says "If you're Canadian, show me your beaver."
. . . if you have a firearm that's been in the family for at least one generation and name it after the person who originally owned it -- "Fetch me Grandad's gun, I'm going hunting, eh."
. . . if you insist that Americans should know more about Canada, despite the fact the only part of America that exists for you is Florida.
. . . if you have Canadian Tire catalogues in your house. (Extra points for any "really old" ones.)
. . . if you find any cartoon beaver funny.
. . . if you own a pot-bellied stove. (Extra points if it's "been in the family" for a while.)
. . . if you only watched "the Beachcombers" to see what Relic was up to.
. . . if you know who Relic is.
. . . if all your recipes are for game meat.
. . . if you've ever used your kitchen to dress/butcher game, make "chow" or pickled beets.
. . . if you had to find out which leaves make good toilet paper, mainly because you can't use a dollar bill any more.
. . . if you've told people you were a "government artist", because you were "drawing" pogey.
. . . if any beer under 6% is considered good only for pouring on your "Shreddies" in the morning.
. . . if your entire French vocabulary was gleaned from cereal boxes.
. . . if you think Don Cherry should be Prime Minister, or better still Minister of Foreign Affairs.
. . . if you know "jacking deer" isn't a sexual innuendo.
. . . if you own an ice auger.
. . . if you have a "good" parka for formal occasions.
. . . if the main source of heat in your house is a wood burning stove.
. . . if you consider Kraft Dinner, ketchup, beer and Crispy Crunch as the four major food groups.
. . . if you shop exclusively at Canadian Tire for Christmas presents.
. . . if you live in a house that has no front step, even though if you went out the front door you'd probably plummit to your death.
. . . if your snowmobile or chainsaw payments have a higher priority than your car payments.
. . . if you think the start of deer season should be a national holiday.
. . . if the trunk of your car has ever doubled as a deep freeze.
. . . if you will only go camping for a maximum of one night because your back pack will only holds one two-four.
. . . if you have more than twenty dollars in Canadian Tire money.
. . . if you still sing the "Great White North" theme song with pride "coo-ooh-coocoo-coo-ooh-coocoo".
. . . if you got pissed when Harold left the Red Green show.
. . . if you always have a mickey of "CC" or "Captain Morgan's Dark" on you.
. . . if you think whoever invented de-alcoholized beer should have been strangled at birth.
. . . if you consider the theme song of Hockey Night In Canada to be Canada's second official National Anthem.
. . . if you found any of this funny.

 

[april-wine]

Did you hear about the war between the American Rednecks and the Canadian Rednecks. The Americans Rednecks were lobbing hand grenades; the Canadian Rednecks were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

just a little joke folkssssssssss lol

 

[april-wine]

a true blue canadian......

 

[April]

Well, I found it funny, and can answer yes to a couple. I've never been to Canada, though, so what does that make me? LOL

 

[YoungGun69]

a true blue canadian......

Thats one way to get blue balls

 

[YoungGun69]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Torontne day the airport was fogged in
and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
Jim Says "Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
Bud Says"What's that?"
Jim Asks"Have you farted yet?" "No????" "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

 

[swtbethie]

MMMMMM Tim Horton Doughnuts, the best doughnuts next to Krispy Kremes

 

[Isabella Thorne]

<hugs Nogard> ... you made my day, cheri

... ah yes Miss Wine ... it's nice to see our men folk working hard <hee hee> ...

... yes ... working their poor shivering asses off as they brave yet another Ontario blizzard ...

pssst btw ... what the hell are krispy kremes?
__________________
I'm looking for the right words
To convey the message we bring
If you can hear it
I'm getting near it
If I can say it

Drop your guns
And raise your hands in the air
You're the one
Who started all the trouble out there
Drop your guns
And raise your hands in the air.

~April Wine~

 

[april-wine]

pssst btw ... what the hell are krispy kremes?

donuts isabella.......and they are damnnnnnnnn good but nothing beats a timmie's lol

 

[YoungGun69]

donuts isabella.......and they are damnnnnnnnn good but nothing beats a timmie's lol

Country time doughnuts beat all.

Nothing you can say will convince me other wise.

 

[shyybabe]

Newfie Flight 101

Newfie Flight 101 was flying from St. John's to Fort McMurray one
night, with Russell the Pilot, and Glen the co-pilot. As they
approached Fort McMurray airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Russell "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".
"You're not fookin kiddin, Russell" replied Glen.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Russell.
"You're not fookin kiddin, Russell" replied Glen.

"Right Glen. When I give de signal, you put de engines in
reverse" said Russell.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away," said Russell.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Russell
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul," said Russell.
"I be doing dat already," replied Glen.

So they approached the runway with Russell and Glen full of
nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Glen put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the
plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Russell and Glen and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Russell
looked out the front window and said to Glen, "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life."

Glen looked out the side window and replied
"Yeah Russell, but look how fookin wide it is".

 

[Isabella Thorne]

that is pretty funny shyybabe .... i love the accents you did ... ha ha ...

but alas ... i cannot count it cherie ... non non ... so sorry ...

that is a newfie joke ... those have been around forever .... green side up, eh?

i think it's different from Canadian jokes, don't you? nowadays there is a whole new breed of insults ... not french ... not newfie ... not segrating one province from another ... but united ... yes one nation united ... together as one ... holding hands with one another across our strong nation ... to be the butt of ludricous jokes ...

... it warms my heart <dabbing my eyes with a lace hanky>

 

[Wizard]

pssst btw ... what the hell are krispy kremes?

donuts isabella.......and they are damnnnnnnnn good but nothing beats a timmie's lol

We just had one open here in Pittsburgh about 3 weeks ago........News showed folks that waited in line all night to be first in line when they opened.................Must be pretty f#$@ing good........

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Only 5 more hours until they open dear ...

ha ha ha Wiz ... that is hysterical ... people waited in line all night for donuts?

... geez that's like waiting in line all night to buy rock concert tickets, eh?

but i think it would be pretty difficult to smoke a doobie in line <like in the rock concert line> ... 'cause once you got the muchies ... oh man ...

you'd be stuck outside this damn donut shop that wasn't going to open until the morning .... that's got to hurt ... ha ha ha ... no seriously ...

sooooooooooo have you eaten any yet?

 

[Wizard]

I can see standing in line for rock concert tickets but.....................................Freaking dough nuts.............................Thats just nuts...................

 

[sch00lteacher]

The Great White North

I spent four years at Loring AFB, which was way the hell up north in Maine. I did a lot of skiing in Canada. No joke, just warm feelings.

I have lived and visited many parts of the world but never have I met such fine people as Canadians. They are the best. Eh?

 

[sch00lteacher]

I miss these guys...


Take Off
Bob & Doug McKenzie (with Geddy Lee)


(Spoken) This is where the DJ talks. Don't say anything, okay?
(Spoken) Okay, eh?

(Sung) Cooo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coooo!
(Sung) Cooo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coooo!

(Spoken) Okay. Good day. Welcome to our single. I'm Bob McKenzie and
this is my brother Doug.
(Spoken) How's it going, eh?

(Spoken) Beauty, eh?
(Spoken) Yeah, I like that.

(Spoken) Okay. (Okay.)
(Spoken) Okay, everyone. This record was my idea.
(Spoken) Get out!
(Spoken) It was.
(Spoken) You're lying!
(Spoken) He... Hosehead here just sort of rid on my coattails.
(Spoken) Why are you doing this? It was our idea together, eh?
(Spoken) Yeah, okay.
(Spoken) (Yeah, okay.)
(Spoken) We agreed to... to say that, but...
(Spoken) Ah, take off!

CHORUS:

Take off! To the Great White North!
Take off! It's a beauty way to go.
Take off! To the Great White North!

(Spoken) Decent singing, eh?
(Spoken) Yeah.
(Spoken) Yeah, he's good.
(Spoken) Okay, so Good Day. Our topic today is music.
(spoken) That's right like, cause my brother and I are now experts in
the field.
(Spoken) Yeah, right, cause we're a band now. (Yeah, yeah, so...)
(Spoken) And ummm... Well, except for him, I'm a band.
(Spoken) Aww. How can you do that? Making me look bad. You're such a
hosehead.
(Spoken) Yea? Well, take off!

CHORUS

(Guitar solo)

(Spoken) Hey, hosehead.
(Spoken) Yeah, what?
(Spoken) Yeah, listen to this what's coming. You know what it is?
(Spoken) What?
(Spoken) It's a drum solo!
(Spoken) Okay, everyone, like this is me on the drums!
(Spoken) Oh, get out! It is not. You're not...
(Spoken) It is so!
(Spoken) Stop lying, will ya?
(Spoken) Take off, eh!
(Spoken) Aww...

CHORUS x2

Take off!

Ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooooo!
Ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooooo!

(Repeat to end of song)

(Spoken) Beauty, eh?
(Spoken) Like magic, eh? It's coming in.
(Spoken) Well, that's like...
(Spoken) It's like it was sung by angels.
(Spoken) Hey, hosehead.
(Spoken) Yeah, what?
(Spoken) Guess what?
(Spoken) What?
(Spoken) It's over!
(Spoken) Take off! That can't be it!
(Spoken) Well... It is, yeah. Yeah, it is.
(Spoken) Why?
(Spoken) Because, well, hit records are short. Like, they...
(Spoken) No way.
(Spoken) ...yeah, they're not that long.
(Spoken) Okay. So, that's our topic for today. So, Good Day!
(Spoken) Good day!

(Shouted) Ay, you guys!
(Spoken) What?
(Shouted) Take off!

(Spoken) Wait! No!
(Spoken) Hey! Don't go!
(Spoken) No! Come back, eh?
(Spoken) Aww. Look what you did! Everybody's gone because of you! You said...
(Spoken) Come back! I won't let him do it again!
(Spoken) My fault, eh?
(Spoken) Yeah, your fault.
(Spoken) You are such a hoser.
(Spoken) There's no way I'll ever do another record with you Hoser.
(Spoken) Okay, that's fine! I'll do a solo album.
(Spoken) Fine then, you'll be looking for me...
(Spoken) Yeah? I will not.
(Spoken) ...on another label.
(Spoken) Aww. Now everybody's gone.
(Spoken) So?
(Spoken) Good day!
(Spoken) Goo

 

[Wizard]

What ever happened to those guys?...................I haven't heard about them in years..............

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Well I never, you hose heads!

ok that does ... <stamping my foot on the ground as i cross my arms>

... now i am convinced no one listens to my rantings, (i.e. reads my posts) ...

i wrote a whole "exposé" ... lol ... on Bob and Doug Mackenzie in bratcat's thread "I am Canadian" ... just a few days ago ... i even included a pic for fuck's sake ...

ha ha ha ha ... ok i will try to find the thread and post the link ...

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=47760&perpage=20&pagenumber=3

seeeee?

so what are those crispy creme donoughts like anyways, eh? like are they really creamy inside? and really crispy outside?

hey schoolteacher ... <big hugs - so nice to meet you dear> ... what a sweet thing to say ... that Canadians are such fine people ... but really darling ...

Nothing would be finer
than to eat a Carolin'er
in the moooooornin'

Nothing would be sweeter
than to spread her legs
and eat her
in the moooooornin'

hee hee hee hee

 

[April]

Isabella, shame on you. That's a horrible song. LOL I read your posts. Well, most of 'em. Sorry, I get distracted and forget what I'm doing.

Anyway, I'm just popping in for a few minutes to see who all's here.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

<big hugs April dear>

you never heard that song before? i heard it a long time ago ...

i see i am starting to rub off on you a wee bit ... ha ha ... you said you are getting distracted and forget what you are doing ... you are gradually becoming blonde i tell you ... lol ...

i hope you are feeling better, baby ...

allfeetarethesame

 

[sch00lteacher]

Re: Well I never, you hose heads!

ok that does ... <stamping my foot on the ground as i cross my arms>

... now i am convinced no one listens to my rantings, (i.e. reads my posts) ...

hey schoolteacher ... <big hugs - so nice to meet you dear> ... what a sweet thing to say ... that Canadians are such fine people ... but really darling ...

Nothing would be finer
than to eat a Carolin'er
in the moooooornin'

Nothing would be sweeter
than to spread her legs
and eat her
in the moooooornin'

Cute. And thanks.

 

[April]

Isabella dear, did I never tell you? Well, I guess not. I was born a blonde! Strawberry blonde, to be exact. I don't know what the hell happened later. LOL