Dr. Ruth meets Dr. Seuss

[EJFan]

we all know i'm not quite normal... but i was wondering what would happen if dr. ruth wrote a sex-ed book with dr. seuss. any ideas?

i would not do it on a car
i would not do it on a bar

i can not do it in a plane
i won't do things that cause me pain

 

[Eilan]

Big A, little a. What begins with A?

Autofellatio, Anal, Afterglow

A. . . . a. . . . A

 

[EJFan]

how to spot an STD:

one cock, two cock
red cock? blue cock?

 

[Eilan]

Big B, little b. What begins with B?

Bisexual bottom loves bukkake.

B. . . . b. . . . B

 

[EJFan]

on oral sex:

do you like to lick me there?
do you mind that there is hair?

i could shave it if you wish.
get a blade, some water and a dish.

 

[SweetErika]

Just for you, Eilan...

COCK, CROCK
That big cock is a crock!
A big cock a crock?
Sure, but it's as hard as a rock!

 

[Eilan]

LMFAO!

Big C, little c. What begins with C?

Cyber copulation, circumcised cock

C. . . . c. . . . C

 

[Quoll]

Not mine but bloody funny.

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?


Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?


Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?


Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?


Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?


Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?


Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?


Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?


Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?


Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?


Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?


Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?


Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?


Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?


Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?


Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?


Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?


Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?


Have you done it without style?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?


Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?


Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?


Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?


Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?


Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?


Answer these and count your "no"s,
pray this number never grows.
Fifty questions we asked thee,
score times two is your Purity.

 

[EJFan]

quoll... you're one priceless mother fucker.

 

[silverwhisper]

amen to that, EJ. :>

ed

 

[SweetErika]

You'll start to moan
You'll begin to scream
You'll come so hard
When you're fucked by a team

 

[Quoll]

I will not swallow
I don't think I can,
I do not like it in my hair
I do not like it anywhere.

 

[bisexplicit]

Funny that you should mention that, my sophmore year in high school, this was a running joke with my friends and I, using green eggs and ham and making it dirty...

"Would you could you in the grass,
would you could you up the ass?"

 

[Eilan]

Big D, little d. What begins with D?

Deep-throating dildos, doggy-style.

D. . . . d. . . . D


Big E, little e. What begins with E?

Ejaculating exhibitionists, enemas, edge play

E. . . . e. . . . E

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

 

[Eilan]

This is looking like Dr. Ruth meets Dr. Seuss on Sesame Street.

Sesame Street is brought to you by the letters D and E and the number 69.

Actually, Dr. Ruth did this little segment on the PBS kids' show Between the Lions. I think it was called "The Word Doctor" or something like that. She helped the characters create/sound out words.

*edited to add that her name on the show was Dr. Ruth Wordheimer

OK, back to the dirty stuff.

 

[Guest]

 

[Quoll]

Speaking of Dr Ruth.
Dear Dr


Brought to you by the letters B D S M

 

[Quoll]

I'm sorry Dr Ruth is not availabe today, her place will be taken by renowned sexoligist Elmer P Fudd.
Q:
I have a wonderful lover/husband, but we once watched an adult movie and I am now very self-conscious because I have a small clitoris. I feel like a freak. Is there anything I can do to make it protrude more so that I would feel sexier? I am afraid of losing my husband because I am not as sexual as I should be and I feel so different. Please help me.

A:
You're not so diffewent as you seem to think. What you're suffewing fwom is the same thing that I've heard quite often fwom a wot of men who watch pawn movies. They see the male stars with enormous penises and feew that their penis doesn't measure up. But this is the fiwst time I've had a woman ask me the "size" question vis-a-vis her cwitowis. My answer, however, is going to be vewy simiwar: Pawn movies are not miwwors of weaw wife. They choose men who are wew-endowed, and it's vewy wikewy that the cwitowis you saw in that movie wasn't typical either.

More importantwy, just as the size of a man's penis doesn't make him a better or worse wover, the size of your cwitowis has nothing to do with your sexuawity. You can have owgasms whether your cwitowis is big or small, and if you are not having owgasms, it's not because of the size of your cwitowis.

You mention that you want to be more sexuaw for your husband. It might just be that your appetites are diffewent, and you can't do much to change that. Or you may be having a wewationship pwobwem that is causing you to not want to have sex as much. These are issues to expwore, which you can twy to do on your own or with a counsewor's help.

You can cweate a more sensuwoo mood by :

Fiwst taking a bubboo bath
wying down on dwark satin sheets
using wowered wighting or wow wattage red buwbs or candlewight
sipping a gwass of wine or nibbwing on a dewicious piece of chocowate
wistening to your favowite music in the backgwound, and,
above awl, fantasize, and fantasize!

 

[yoshimitsu]

Now someone just needs to draw the animations. Then it's pure gold.



http://www.pulsus.com/Sex/03_04/edie_ed.htm
Stumbled across this.


Now mine
I will not sit on that dick
I think it needs a little spit
Once it's gotten good and wet
Time to be the teachers pet
I will slide up and down
riding in my nurses gown
Till you cum good and hard
I won't forget to leave my card.

 

[EJFan]

I'm sorry Dr Ruth is not availabe today, her place will be taken by renowned sexoligist Elmer P Fudd....

DUDE! YOU ROCK! i laughed through this whole thing.

 

[Quoll]

DUDE! YOU ROCK! i laughed through this whole thing.

Herrr herrr herrrr be vewy vewy qwiet.

Did you ever hear Robin Williams doing an Elmer Fudd version of Fire?

http://resources.bravenet.com/audio_clips/comedy_clips/robin_williams_-_fudd_fire/listen/

 

[EJFan]

good one quoll... but then again, you're almost ALWAYS postin' good ones.

i think you should start a thread (or better yet, a radio show) for sex advice from "ask elmer fudd."

 

[Guest]