Dominant parents..

[SilkVelvet]

I grew up with a Dominant father; a stern disciplinarian whose discipline crossed the line into abuse on occasions. Obviously as I developed my own personality, ego etc as a child it would have had an effect.

So I am wondering how many other people who recognise themselves as being Dominant or Submissive had a Dominant parental figure as a constant in their lives from an early age, and whether you feel that has any bearing on your recognition of self as Dpminant or Submissive?

Is it a known psychological theory that people with a Dominant in their childoods are more likely to identify as Dominant or Submissive themselves ???

 

[FungiUg]

I grew up with a very abusive step father (physical, mental, spiritual, and in my sisters cases, sexual abuse.) When I started getting into BDSM, I had to do a lot of soul searching, because the very last thing I wanted to do was emulate him!

Which is why I always stress consensuality, and why there are limits to the pain play I will involve, and rape play is clearly out of the question.

I guess it was a matter of accepting the abuse from my past is behind me, and not allowing it to dictate my choice of pleasures.

 

[Bachlum Chaam]

My father was a hard man but never with his wife or kids, to me he was the perfect father. But he was a leader type maybe thats where my dominant side came from. I class myself as very lucky with my parents.Not much help to your question my lady , sorry

 

[FungiUg]

My father was a hard man but never with his wife or kids, to me he was the perfect father. But he was a leader type maybe thats where my dominant side came from. I class myself as very lucky with my parents.Not much help to your question my lady , sorry

A positive dominant role model! Sound like you may have had a lot of influence there.

 

[Bachlum Chaam]

A positive dominant role model! Sound like you may have had a lot of influence there.

Yes I was lucky sir , alas he died to early then you can never have your parents around long enough

 

[InnerDarkness]

Hmmmm

This is something that I have only recently begun to ponder as I learn more about myself and my needs/wants/desires within a BDSM and specifically a D/s context.

My parents divorced when i was rather young and both later remarried. My mother remarried a man who abused her physically for many years (theirs was the household I was raised in). My father remarried a string of women and abused all 3 of his next wives including the one he is married to now. I only lived in that environment for one year as a child, but regularly visited and witnessed the abuse there as well as in my full-time residence. And when I say abused, I mean full out beat the shit out of them, break bones, destroy the house, send people to the hospital and not care if the neighbors, children or anyone else heard.

I never had a hand laid on me. I only watched...and sometimes even worse...listened, letting my imagination make up the details.

I am now very submissive...in a sexual context only. In my career and other areas of my life I am much more assertive and at times could even be labeled "dominant". But sexually...i crave the release of control...I want to be used...I want to be taken.

The more I think about this though, and the more I think about the view I had of my mother and step-mothers as they related to my father and step-father...I wonder if I was given a somewhat warped view of the woman's role in a relationship? Perhaps not...but it is something I am only beginning to wonder about.

For me...being submissive is as much about MY needs as it is about pleasing Him and meeting His needs. And ultimately, when the time is right and I offer my first true submission...won't i ultimately still be in control because I am the one who is choosing the submission? I am the one who is volunteering my surrender? I am the one giving my body to them for their use?

My mothers never truly had that choice...but I do...

 

[FungiUg]

And it's choice that makes all the difference!

 

[InnerDarkness]

And it's choice that makes all the difference!

It really, really is all about choice. Because as I have discussed briefly in other threads concerning rape/ravishment fantasies...the kind of rape scene that I envision is even then still within my control because of how I desire it to happen...

Maybe that makes me more empowered than I realize...

 

[lark sparrow]

Interesting question. Things weren't so clear cut in my household growing up. Power and control have lots of layers. What you see on the surface and what you discover on a deeper level may differ. I would be hard-pressed to call any of them (I have four parents, or two sets) a straight forward dominant or submissive character in relation to one another or the family.

 

[Netzach]

I grew up with my mother and her parents, and never knew my father.

My mother was the consummate submissive and remains such, to her parents in some intensely fucked up non-con ways. Ways that make Vi Johnson's memoir look like a walk in the park some days. I determined, very early on, that that was NOT going to be me when I grew up.

It took me a long time to get over that. I don't know whether it was having no sense of my own autonomy for so long, or having no leadership that I could trust (she would always just cave or listen to their criticism in front of me)

When I do submit or bottom, it's contingent on the soundness of the leadership at hand. The reason I don't often is because I need to stay in CLOSE touch with a feeling of calling the shots, thankyouverymuch.

 

[incubus_dark]

My father was definitely dominant, but never abusive; well not physically, though my mother claims he was metally and emotionally, but I'm not sure how much of that is spite. He was more the self possessed aloof type; certain that his instructions would be obeyed. My mother matured and eventually decided she wouldn't be submissive, and thus when I was four she took me and left him. Her next husband, my step father, was definitely not dominant, and my mother took this position in the relationship, though the dynamic was less obvious.

I always respected my father and still do and likewise for my mother, but it wasn't until I was well into adulthood that I could respect my stepfather for the person that he is, and even now I often dismiss him, albeit a little unfairly, as juvenescent and servile.

Did this have anything to do with my becoming a dom? Nature and nurture issues asside, I'd have to answer probably yes, though to what degree I have no idea. I have to wonder, is there any real conection between the influence of dominant personalities in childhood and the development and expression of sexual dominance? The two are not the same thing.

I am unaware of any studies dealing with this area specifically. Though there are many dealing with abusive parents and the resultant behaviours of their adult offspring, I don't think there are any dealing with parental dominance and submission and the development and expression of sexual dominance and submission in their adult offspring. I don't believe the results of the former can be strictly applicable to the latter, though some relationship may exist in the areas where the two catagories overlap.

 

[zanna]

I grew up with a Dominant father; a stern disciplinarian whose discipline crossed the line into abuse on occasions. Obviously as I developed my own personality, ego etc as a child it would have had an effect.

So I am wondering how many other people who recognise themselves as being Dominant or Submissive had a Dominant parental figure as a constant in their lives from an early age, and whether you feel that has any bearing on your recognition of self as Dpminant or Submissive?

Is it a known psychological theory that people with a Dominant in their childoods are more likely to identify as Dominant or Submissive themselves ???

my Mother always appeared to be a dominant woman. i am not entirely sure she is, though, way down deep inside. i think she "created" herself and did what she had to do to survive as a single mother of 3. She is an incredible woman and my best friend.

i think i am the way i am partly b/c of the abscence of a father/father figure in my life. That is not blame or anything of the sort, just an observation.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I grew up in a household where my father was very dominant. He did physically and mentally abuse my mother.

If anything it made me becoming a dominant much more difficult, since I also have vowed that I would never become like him. Which is why for me choice is very important, consensual, safe and sane are what it is all about.

Francisco.

 

[FungiUg]

I grew up in a household where my father was very dominant. He did physically and mentally abuse my mother.

If anything it made me becoming a dominant much more difficult, since I also have vowed that I would never become like him. Which is why for me choice is very important, consensual, safe and sane are what it is all about.

Francisco.

*snap*

You're right, it does make the choice of being dominant much harder (in my own experience as well.) I had to do a lot of soul searching before I was satisfied that I was not going to become abusive in any fashion.

 

[catalina_francisco]

*snap*

You're right, it does make the choice of being dominant much harder (in my own experience as well.) I had to do a lot of soul searching before I was satisfied that I was not going to become abusive in any fashion.

When good willing family members that do not know the whole story tell me how much I resemble my father, I am reminded of my father’s abuse and I take a good long hard look at myself.

Francisco.

 

[Netzach]

I understand the fear of becoming the worst you have been exposed to.

I found that my dysfunctional survival tactics from childhood can be turned around and used for good, with hindsight, after therapy or your preferential equivalent, and with self-awareness.

In my own experience, manipulation can lead to an uncanny ability to read other's emotions, the trick is to not use this power to drive them crazy. Solitude can lead to comfort in one's own skin. I retreated into a world of verbal parrying and learning to use language to get what I wanted from people. That's not always a bad thing.

 

[FungiUg]

I understand the fear of becoming the worst you have been exposed to.

I found that my dysfunctional survival tactics from childhood can be turned around and used for good, with hindsight, after therapy or your preferential equivalent, and with self-awareness.

In my own experience, manipulation can lead to an uncanny ability to read other's emotions, the trick is to not use this power to drive them crazy. Solitude can lead to comfort in one's own skin. I retreated into a world of verbal parrying and learning to use language to get what I wanted from people. That's not always a bad thing.

How cool!

Yeah, I did a big self-discovery and learning thing, which I am so glad was essentially forced upon me by circumstance. (Well, I did take advantage of the circumstance.)

Also, when I broke up with my ex, I did some counselling. At the time I was looking for help dealing with grief, which it didn't suceed at -- other than distracting me, because it was fun! But I learnt a lot about myself from an exterior view. So now I regard that time as really sucessful, but in an entirely unexpected direction.

I haven't thought about the use of language as you describe, NetZach. Nor had I thought about the abuse side of being able to get into other people's heads (read their emotions, as you put it.)

I can do both of those things, although probably to a lesser extent as what you describe. I do know that I have surprised people more than once by being able to read what they are thinking! And when playing with a submissive, that is so helpful!

But you are correct in that it could be abused (like anything I guess.) I guess what persuaded me that playing in the BDSM space was "okay" with my personal morality was that I am dominant. It's not something I do, it's something I am. So playing (I do only play, I'm not into BDSM as a lifestyle) is merely an expression, and even if I didn't play, I would still be dominant.

So since it's innately part of who I am, and I am not abusing anyone, why shouldn't I express it? Exactly! I should!

Anyway, my logic, and I'm sticking to it. Now where's a handy bottom to "express myself" on...

 

[sub princess]

i took the weekend to really think about this one, though i have thought about the subject many times.

my father was/is a definite dominant personality, some might even say control freak. He has always expected perfection from those around him- especially from his wife and children. my mother was submissive to him for years, in everyday life-not BDSM, right up until he lost her trust forever, 4 years ago.

i would watch her as i grew up, spending her days cleaning, cooking, and sitting in the house alone day after day, because this was how he wanted things to be. He found a problem with every friend that she ever had, discouraged her from furthering her education, and even prevented her from obtaining a driver's license for many years, all simply to control her every move, and make her completely dependant on him. It was eventually outside influences (people noting what an ass he was), that made him ease up a bit.... she got her license at the age of 30, finally. Four years ago he cheated on her, and through her anger, she took her power back from him.... though she is by no means happy.

With the children, me and my sister, he was a tyrant, always yelling, always controlling, never satisfied, and at times very abusive. He was far worse with me, i am the oldest, and so i had to 'set the standard' in the house. i can remember him 'inspecting' my bedroom, going through my things, reading my personal items, looking for something to be mad at. my grades were never good enough, my room was never clean enough, and he never once approved of anything i did.

It eventually got to the point that i would find myself trying to please him, seeking his approval and praise... neither of which ever came. Even now at the age of 29, i still find myself looking for his acceptance, but not 'fearing' it's absence as i once did.

i do believe that my father's dominance had a little something to do with my submissive nature, i aimed to please him out of fear, and a longing for something positive from him. But i also believe that it is just me, i am submissive, and i was born with it as part of me. my father robbed me of power, it was not that i gave it to him. The submission i give to Master i give because i want to, because i love Him, and because His happiness is truly mine-- it is exchange.

 

[SilkVelvet]

i can remember him 'inspecting' my bedroom, going through my things, reading my personal items, looking for something to be mad at. my grades were never good enough, my room was never clean enough, and he never once approved of anything i did.

{{sub princess }} great that you are happy now !!

I can relate to the inspections, OMG yes. My father still does it ! He comes over to my house, and despite it being a building site (under restoration), inspects everything and cross questions me.

 

[Netzach]

See, I find all this stuff so interesting. Maybe counting it as "evidence" is going too far, still it points to something...

The baby Dominant:

My mother's mother is the inspector.

My mother's attempts to inspect me have always backfired.

I am a complete, incorrigible and total slob. I am certain it began as differentiation.

Initially it was rebellion, now I find a point where I am dissatisfied and clean, that's a mark of maturity - I still hate cleaning.

However, I have decided that if she wants to wring her hands over my house 1500 miles from hers, that's her problem, and not mine.

 

[FungiUg]

{{sub princess }} great that you are happy now !!

I can relate to the inspections, OMG yes. My father still does it ! He comes over to my house, and despite it being a building site (under restoration), inspects everything and cross questions me.

Yeah, I had the inspections as well. And book burnings (school books and so on), plus no radio, no TV, even the encyclopedias were censored!

Geez I love being an adult!

 

[SilkVelvet]

If a Dominant parent can as evidenced on the posts, contribute to a child becoming in adult life, Dominant, Switch or submissive, it begs the question (if any parent cares to indulge me and answer) do you make any conscious decisions to treat your child(ren) differently because of your BDSM lifestyle, regardless of whether you had a Dom parent yourself ?

 

[catalina_francisco]

If a Dominant parent can as evidenced on the posts, contribute to a child becoming in adult life, Dominant, Switch or submissive, it begs the question (if any parent cares to indulge me and answer) do you make any conscious decisions to treat your child(ren) differently because of your BDSM lifestyle, regardless of whether you had a Dom parent yourself ?

As a parent, and grandparent (though few believe that one...it's true I swear!!), I can honestly say that yes, I think I have raised my children different to most, or so I am continually told, but no, it is not due to my choice of lifestyle.

I made a conscious decision before having children that I wanted to treat them as equals, not patronise them and closet them from the world and it's issues. My own childhood was open as far as knowing about politics, but was definately presented in a biased way, and other subjects had many myths and untruths supported such as sexual issues etc.

As my children grew, they were free to ask any questions about any subject and have an answer they could understand and was unbiased as I cold make it. From very tiny they were aware of politics, environmental issues, sexuality and it's various forms (Sydney G & L Mardi Gras a highlight in their TV viewing every year), and social/humanitarian issues.

Though they have their own set of problems, non seem to be connnected to this openess, and have been credited with being an asset to them by many. Both have high intellect in the genius IQ...both a good and bad thing. My son has found his intellect a hindrance to socialising as many have felt challenged by it, especially teachers and adults in general. When he was 7 years old his teacher confessed she was having difficulties, though she valued and treated him exceptionally well. She found while he was helping her clean up after activites they were having conversations about the world, discrimination, and the environment on a basis she would with an adult, but she said she found it disconcerting and challenging to find she had to go home nearly every night to research something he had discussed with her to see if he was right (he always was so she credited him with widening her knowledge). LOL.

Catalina

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

<snip>
So I am wondering how many other people who recognise themselves as being Dominant or Submissive had a Dominant parental figure as a constant in their lives from an early age, and whether you feel that has any bearing on your recognition of self as Dpminant or Submissive?

I've been thinking about this question alot recently, because my parents are an incontrovertible part of my life right now, like it or not. My father is your typical dominant, physically, verbally and mentally abusive, alcoholic. My mother is your tyical submissive alcoholic's wife. They've been playing out this thing of theirs for 43 years now. He was sober for the last 10, five of it in AA. She went to al-anon and seemed to get some peace and serenity. My mom put me out at 16, to keep me safe from his fists, and I never looked back. He mellowed over the years. I got sober myself, and forgave him. It was a gift, that, and a grace. However, it doesn't make dealing with him NOW any easier. He went back to drinking recently, a few here, a few there. I don't have the luxury of three thousand miles anymore between us to just shrug it away.

So, what does all this have to do with me being a submissive? That's where all the thinking and soul-searching comes in. In a D/s relationship, as a submissive, i find trust, security, and safety through my Dom. Those are three things i NEVER got in my home life as a kid. Home was always a battleground, and i learned at a very early age to never trust anyone. It makes me happy to know that i am finally learning to trust someone. The other issue that occurred to me as i looked at this thread, was this: why would you want to take on the role that you saw your mom take on all those years? Frankly, i don't see it that way. I offered myself to Him, willingly, and the use He puts me to, however, is consensual. I'm sorry for my mom. Truly i am. I have watched her take that shit for 20 years (it is no longer physical, just verbal). Begged her to leave. *shrugs* But it is her life.

I don't think i could ever be the Dominant person in a relationship, for the simple fact that i'd be afraid of being like my Dad. Taking over, and being some horrible overbearing creature who badgered everyone and everything to fit HER way of thinking. That just scares me to my bones.

So, for now, i remain, happily submissive

~anelize