Hi, I'm new to all of this so go easy on me! I've been having sex with my current for a while now and it's starting to become more apparent that she's very submissive. I've never acted on this because, quite frankly... I don't know how? If that makes anyway sense. It's a huge turn on for her when someone is dominant with her. I was just wondering if I could get some advice on how to be more dominant with her! It would make her and I very happy. Thanks for your help!
Dom/sub I'm new!
- Thread starter Karneval
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BeachGurl2
Sarcastic Smart Sexyass
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Welcome to the boards, Karneval. The library should be your first stop for some reading. There is also an old thread of Wizard's that has tons of links to some great info. Some of the links probably no longer work as the thread is old, but most of them do. In addition to that, just read the threads on the board and post questions when you have them. Good luck, and have fun on your journey.Karneval said:
neonflux
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Books
Doesn't give you techniques if she's interested in playing with toys, but "The New Topping Book" by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, as well as the classic "Consensual Sadomasochism" will give you a great overview of approaches, as well as an understanding of ethical, psychological, emotional and spiritual considerations.
~ Neon
Doesn't give you techniques if she's interested in playing with toys, but "The New Topping Book" by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, as well as the classic "Consensual Sadomasochism" will give you a great overview of approaches, as well as an understanding of ethical, psychological, emotional and spiritual considerations.
~ Neon
catalina_francisco
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First things first, are you Dominant? I know not everyone agrees, but I still am not one who believes you can just become 'dominant' because your partner is submissive and wants it, and you don't want to lose them. For me just the notion you are doing it because it is her thing and you want to fulfil her fantasy and image of her ideal partner goes against some of the basic principles involved in being a Dominant. Just as with being submissive, being Dominant is usually something which comes from within, is part of who you are as a person, your character, your essence. Sure you can 'act' if you have enough acting ability, but is that what you really want, and is it going to work for your partner. IME if they are really into submitting, they can sniff an act as opposed to real desire to be Dominat from a mile away and eventually it just frustrates them further...of course there are submissives who will take it anyway they can get it, but usually they also eventually reveal their sadness it is not as they would prefer. Check your own feelings first, if you discover you do have Dominant desires I am sure you will find a plethora of ideas and fantasies racing through you mind to become a reality, and which you can discuss with your partner to guage her own feelings and reactions to....what works for one will be poison for another.
Catalina
Catalina
Kailey_86
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catalina_francisco said:First things first, are you Dominant? I know not everyone agrees, but I still am not one who believes you can just become 'dominant' because your partner is submissive and wants it, and you don't want to lose them. For me just the notion you are doing it because it is her thing and you want to fulfil her fantasy and image of her ideal partner goes against some of the basic principles involved in being a Dominant. Just as with being submissive, being Dominant is usually something which comes from within, is part of who you are as a person, your character, your essence. Sure you can 'act' if you have enough acting ability, but is that what you really want, and is it going to work for your partner. IME if they are really into submitting, they can sniff an act as opposed to real desire to be Dominat from a mile away and eventually it just frustrates them further...of course there are submissives who will take it anyway they can get it, but usually they also eventually reveal their sadness it is not as they would prefer. Check your own feelings first, if you discover you do have Dominant desires I am sure you will find a plethora of ideas and fantasies racing through you mind to become a reality, and which you can discuss with your partner to guage her own feelings and reactions to....what works for one will be poison for another.
Catalina
i think it also depends on how submissive she is. Is she a true submissive? There are a lot of women who fantasize about being taken by force and whatnot but aren't really submissive.
You can try dominating her by telling her what you want her to do. Maybe you can blindfold her if there is enough trust. Start slow and move up until you find your limits. i suggest that you both research the subject together and discuss your thoughts and feelings.
This website helped me a lot.
http://submissive1.homestead.com/index.html
Good luck and have fun!
neonflux
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I have to second everything that Cat wrote. I am not sure that it's possible to become a Domme if it isn't within you, and I'm not sure that forcing oneself to take on a role which is truly counter to one's nature is not an abuse of self. That said, I also know that it can be difficult to acknowledge one's darker side. I've had friends who are part of the BDSM community for many years - long before I claimed my own kink. I often said to myself that while I could understand those who wanted to receive pain, I couldn't understand those who wanted to give it... However, when I started to explore BDSM formally, I pretty immediately discovered and was able to acknowledge how much I enjoyed Dominance...Karneval said:
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JMohegan
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Karneval,Karneval said:
What does your partner mean when she says she wants you to be "more dominant"? I have found that people sometimes ascribe very different meanings to that phrase. For example....
Does she want you to be more aggressive or physically forceful in the bedroom? Treat her less like a china doll and more like a wild woman to be pounded into the mattress?
or.......
Does she want to be the bottom in pain play? Is she interested in spanking, nipple clamps, etc.?
or.......
Does she want to give up control over when, where, and how you have sex? Does she want you to order her to her knees when she's in the middle of making dinner, or demand that she strip for you as soon as she walks in the front door?
or......
Something else entirely?
It will help me respond to your questions if you are as specific as possible in describing what your partner says she needs.
Evil_Geoff
Equal Opportunity Sadist
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In addition to the previously suggested books, for REALITY based BDSM, read:
Screw The Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Miller & Devon
The Loving Dominant by John Warren
The Ties That Bind by Guy Baldwin
slavecraft by a grateful slave with Guy Baldwin
Sexual Magic by Patrick Califia
SM: 101 by Jay Wiseman
Leathersex by Joeseph Bean
The Masters Manual by Jack Rinella
You can find these and more at their publishers web sites: http://www.mysticrose.com
http://www.greenerypress.com
http://www.daedaluspublishing.com
http://www.cleispress.com
If you are not a Dominant, you may very well find you are a decent Top, or with permission and acceptance from your partner you might be a budding sadist. The two of you may discover that you develop into a Master/slave relationship... There is a wide spectrum that you may find yourself and your partner evolving along. Explore! Enjoy the journey of discovery!
Screw The Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Miller & Devon
The Loving Dominant by John Warren
The Ties That Bind by Guy Baldwin
slavecraft by a grateful slave with Guy Baldwin
Sexual Magic by Patrick Califia
SM: 101 by Jay Wiseman
Leathersex by Joeseph Bean
The Masters Manual by Jack Rinella
You can find these and more at their publishers web sites: http://www.mysticrose.com
http://www.greenerypress.com
http://www.daedaluspublishing.com
http://www.cleispress.com
If you are not a Dominant, you may very well find you are a decent Top, or with permission and acceptance from your partner you might be a budding sadist. The two of you may discover that you develop into a Master/slave relationship... There is a wide spectrum that you may find yourself and your partner evolving along. Explore! Enjoy the journey of discovery!
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onyxvixen
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IMO you can't really know whether you're dominant until you give it a try. You'll either find it a turn on or you won't. For both your sakes, be honest with her about this. Has she experience of being submissive in a previous relationship or is this a new thing for her as well?
Knowledge is indeed power. Ask your girl to write out some of her fantasies for you. Her tastes may be confined to a blindfold and an icecube and you should clarify this before you invest in a whip and handcuffs. She may crave domination as the normal dynamic for your sexlife or it may just be something she fantasises about as an occasional thing. Whatever she truly desires, it shouldn't take precedence over what you want. If you love each other, compromises can usually be made.
Pick something out of her writing that appeals to you and try it. Give a word with which she can stop everything in case she doesn't like it. Ensure you both discuss your responses and afterthoughts openly and then decide where to take things from there.
Knowledge is indeed power. Ask your girl to write out some of her fantasies for you. Her tastes may be confined to a blindfold and an icecube and you should clarify this before you invest in a whip and handcuffs. She may crave domination as the normal dynamic for your sexlife or it may just be something she fantasises about as an occasional thing. Whatever she truly desires, it shouldn't take precedence over what you want. If you love each other, compromises can usually be made.
Pick something out of her writing that appeals to you and try it. Give a word with which she can stop everything in case she doesn't like it. Ensure you both discuss your responses and afterthoughts openly and then decide where to take things from there.
