Dom rookie needs advice....

[wannabeesis]

Ok I recently met this woman that is a sub. I like her very much and am more than willing to dominate her. The Problem is I have no idea how to. Can anyone give me any general tips? She enjoys being spanked and her nipples pinched. She acts bad for me to punish her that way. But that doesn't seem to be working to well on my end since she is actually getting rewarded for her bad behavior. I'm lost, can anyone help me out?

Thanks for taking your time to help me out.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Ok I recently met this woman that is a sub. I like her very much and am more than willing to dominate her. The Problem is I have no idea how to. Can anyone give me any general tips? She enjoys being spanked and her nipples pinched. She acts bad for me to punish her that way. But that doesn't seem to be working to well on my end since she is actually getting rewarded for her bad behavior. I'm lost, can anyone help me out?

Thanks for taking your time to help me out.

You are off to a good start if you have already realised that acting bad to get punished in a way which actually pleases her is not a great way to go. Check out the many threads in the library, read from various sources, and tap into what it means to you to be Dominant. You first have to feel it before you can usually pull it off successfully with another. Sounds like you might be on the right track though and she might be in for a good or bad time depending what it is she really wants/needs.

Catalina

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Ok I recently met this woman that is a sub. I like her very much and am more than willing to dominate her. The Problem is I have no idea how to. Can anyone give me any general tips? She enjoys being spanked and her nipples pinched. She acts bad for me to punish her that way. But that doesn't seem to be working to well on my end since she is actually getting rewarded for her bad behavior. I'm lost, can anyone help me out?

Thanks for taking your time to help me out.

As Cat said, you're definitely off to a good start if you picked up on that.

There are two general categories of "acting badly" to get the punishment a pyl desires:

• First is actual misbehavior that is unacceptable to the PYL and thus leads to punishment. However, a perceptive PYL soon sees the pattern, as you obviously have, and presents unacceptable behavior with a different consequence, one *not* desirable to the pyl, thus taking away her reward.
• Second is mock misbehavior leading to (essentially) mock "punishment." Think of it as acting or role-playing. In this case, the pair are engaged in mutually satisfying scenarios - she (in your situation) pretending to, for instance, come home with a bad report from school and getting a spanking.

You need to determine, with her, which way your relationship is going to flow in order to have spanking, nipple-pinching, etc., etc., available to you (plural) as part of your *reward* system, and some other form of consequence (isolation, chores, standing in the corner holding a dime to the wall with her nose, whatEVa ) for actual unacceptable behavior.

 

[bakedbeams]

I can only give some general everyday examples of how Sir dominates me....

Sir often requests that I wear specific outfits when we go out, he also picks where I will sit, normally facing away from the other patrons so I can only see him. He rewards me for doing these things, by telling me how beautiful I look, how proud he is .... whatever

Once, I accidently upset him (by not waiting where I was told), when he found me, he took my hand, walked me out of the place and took me home, he did not speak ONE word. Another example is making him a cup of tea, if I forget and put too much milk in it, he will completely ignore me.

Thats the punishment.... he ignores me, not a word, not a touch, and he will not let me touch him. For me that is torture!!!

Now if he is feeling playful and Im fooling around and being 'naughty'... he will give me a spank on the bottom, and tell me to do what Im told, tie me up ..whatever. I love being spanked, and when he says things like 'you'll enjoy it, cause I've said that you will' or 'you'll eat it because I said so'.

Just trying to show that there is a very real difference between Sir and I playing and Sir's expectations of my general behaviour towards him. Further the punishment that Sir uses leaves me totally tortured. He just knows what will hurt me the most and uses it.

I know another Dom who took all the subs 'toys' away because she didnt do as she was told. She was mortified!! Find the thing that truly punishes your sub.

 

[Feral_Intelligence]

First bit of advice, don't expect it to be like in the stories you read on lit. There is no need to control her every behavior.

You need to decide what D/s means to you. Some people just leave it in the bedroom. It does not have to be a lifestyle. In that case, if you are punishing her it is just a way for the two of you to have fun.

Now, if you want it to be part of your lifestyle, just don't take yourself to seriously. You don't have to be uber controlling or anything. You just need to be more assertive. Also, in this case if she needs to be punished for something, it should not be a physical punishment. Lets say she does not do her house chores, then the punishment should be more along the lines of a stern word.

More than anything, just talk to her about it. Ask her what she sees BDSM as. This involves the both of you, so you both need to have input.

 

[graceanne]

More than anything, just talk to her about it. Ask her what she sees BDSM as. This involves the both of you, so you both need to have input.

You mean communicate? *gasp*

What is this world coming to when people are expected to communicate? OH THE HORROR!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

<snip> don't expect it to be like in the stories you read on lit.

<snip> ... just don't take yourself to seriously. <snip>

More than anything, just talk to her about it. Ask her what she sees BDSM as. This involves the both of you, so you both need to have input.

Snips 1 & 2 QFT, especially #2.

Snip 3 goes back to EG's (and others') favorite mantra: Communicate, CoMmUnIcAtE, COMMUNI-fuckin'-CATE! This applies to all relationships but even moreso to BDSM relationships.

 

[wannabeesis]

Thanks for the stories and advice guys. I really appreciate it. You've given me a lot to think about and discuss with my girl. Between you guys and the BDSM library I have a lot of information to process so I can set up a scenario that we will both enjoy.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Other basic advice is to agree a safeword such as 'red' that halts or pauses everything. That way she can say 'no' and mean 'yes' without you getting confused about what she's actually consenting to. It's also an idea to have a safe signal too, in case her mouth is busy when she starts reaching the end of her tolerance to something.

You don't have to dive off the deep end. You can start with basic things like service, light bondage/spanking etc with scarves or something quick release like velcro. It won't take you long to assess what she can handle/enjoy but if you start off too heavy handed it can damage trust.

Also, make the time for a debrief. That way any issues are resolved ahead of the next play session and doubts/fears/misunderstandings don't fester.

 

[maybenicegirl]

The two of you may want to attend a local munch group and meet others into BDSM to get their input. A good place to find a munch in your area is the BDSM Resource Guide Munch page: http://www.bdsmresourceguide.com/munchesandgroups.html