Dom guilt?

[Bredon]

I'm a fledgling dom, though I'm well past 30. I have known about my dom tendencies since I was 15 at the very least. So why did I never actually get into it? At age 23 I had a lover who was a masochist and asked me to hit him. I couldn't.
I have been brought up with the (more or less "political") notion that physical violence is *EVIL*, and that exerting power is even more evil. I never fought back when I was beaten up at school.
I have done lots of martial arts to get out of that mind frame, because I realized it might be really dangerous (not being able to fight even when attacked). I think, the martial arts was the first step and now BDSM follows.
But still lots of shame and guilt about being a dom, guilt that I certainly wouldn't feel it I were a sub.

I'd like to discuss that specific guilt (not a general shame about being kinky, I can handle that one ok). The feeling that what you do/like is "not ok" in a moral sense. That you are somehow twisted for wanting things like that-- seeing someone suffer etc.

can anyone relate?

Bredon

 

[ABX]

Actually yes, in a sense. My girl and I are fairly new to the whole scene, only paddlng in the metaphorical pool.

But some of the things she's asked for before I have felt fairly guilty for giving her. But my own ethical code has alwys been very practical. After having a carefull think about it I decided that it wasn't hurting anyone, and that we both really enoyed it... so how could it possibly be wrong?

Unfortunately, as a result of some rather more deep-seated issues, she sometimes feels guilty for asking about asking for it. It's always fine during, and usually afterwards, but just on occasion somethig's clearly gnawing at her.

So if I could just tag my own very topical question onto the thread, how do you deal with D/s guilt in others?




(whew - and all that typed without a keyboard?)

 

[JMohegan]

I'm a fledgling dom, though I'm well past 30. I have known about my dom tendencies since I was 15 at the very least. So why did I never actually get into it? At age 23 I had a lover who was a masochist and asked me to hit him. I couldn't.
I have been brought up with the (more or less "political") notion that physical violence is *EVIL*, and that exerting power is even more evil. I never fought back when I was beaten up at school.
I have done lots of martial arts to get out of that mind frame, because I realized it might be really dangerous (not being able to fight even when attacked). I think, the martial arts was the first step and now BDSM follows.
But still lots of shame and guilt about being a dom, guilt that I certainly wouldn't feel it I were a sub.

I'd like to discuss that specific guilt (not a general shame about being kinky, I can handle that one ok). The feeling that what you do/like is "not ok" in a moral sense. That you are somehow twisted for wanting things like that-- seeing someone suffer etc.

can anyone relate?

Just to clarify, Bredon, do you want to talk about the guilt of a Dom, or the guilt of a sadist, or both on this thread?

Dom: one who accepts control over another person's behavior in a personal relationship.

Sadist: one who is sexually aroused by hurting another person, either physically or mentally.

Feel free to substitute your own definitions, of course, but if you do please let me know what they are.

To answer your question (per my definitions, above): in the beginning, I felt a lot of guilt. Nearly all of my guilt stemmed from being a sadist; little or none from being a Dom.

 

[rosco rathbone]

My brain is toast. I was sure this thread was about a "Dom Quilt" and I was trying to figure out what that meant. The only thing I had to go on was the old "AIDS Quilt" and I read the whole post thinking "what the hell does this have to do with quilts?"

Dom quilt lol. Like, one patch or whatever for each dom.

 

[Bredon]

Nearly all of my guilt stemmed from being a sadist; little or none from being a Dom.

Good question, good answer-- and ouch! I hadn't yet realized that I'm a sadist too-- I think I've kept that from my mind a bit *lol*
But you are right--I do feel *mild* guilt for being a dom, but *huge* guilt for sadistic feelings/impulses.
Thanks for asking-- or -- not!

 

[Kajira Callista]

My brain is toast. I was sure this thread was about a "Dom Quilt" and I was trying to figure out what that meant. The only thing I had to go on was the old "AIDS Quilt" and I read the whole post thinking "what the hell does this have to do with quilts?"

Dom quilt lol. Like, one patch or whatever for each dom.

LMAO I read it the same way uncle rosco.
Only I was thinking someone was wanting to sew doms together and make a quilt.

 

[SpectreT]

I guess I'm too much of an idealist. ...Well, that and I don't really play all that hard, when I do play.

Sombody wants pain, even enjoys it, I don't have any problem with enjoying helping them find some pain, or watching them go through it. Then again, I also have to wonder how much of that's vicarious enjoyment for me, having desires on both ends of the spectrum, and all...

 

[Bredon]

LOL do you think I should change the title to discourage the arts and crafts people?

 

[rosco rathbone]

LMAO I read it the same way uncle rosco.
Only I was thinking someone was wanting to sew doms together and make a quilt.

We are as fried as a couple of old hippies, babe.

 

[Bredon]

Spectre--

that's a good thought, because I'm not enjoying pain at all. So I don't "participate" in that sense. I honestly don't understand what people enjoy about pain etc. but I cling to the hope that they *do* enjoy it-- and revel in watching their enjoyment--
But still-- it would be a big fat lie to say that I'm just doing it *for them*. It's not all philantropic...

 

[myinnerslut]

Sir and i talk about what we have done and will do, and he has mentioned feeling guilty about hurting me when it comes to new things that we arnt as comfortable with yet. i think it must be pretty normal, becuase ive heard a lot of people mention this.

 

[JMohegan]

Good question, good answer-- and ouch! I hadn't yet realized that I'm a sadist too-- I think I've kept that from my mind a bit *lol*
But you are right--I do feel *mild* guilt for being a dom, but *huge* guilt for sadistic feelings/impulses.
Thanks for asking-- or -- not!

You're welcome.

Step one toward accepting yourself as you really are: Don't sugarcoat it.

 

[JMohegan]

i think it must be pretty normal, becuase ive heard a lot of people mention this.

Yes, it is very normal.

 

[rosco rathbone]

To the point:

Yeah, I was raised to believe that it was utterly wrong to strike a female. I also got, by nature or nurture, a strong desire to enforce my will over females by the rod. There was a thrilling time of moral battel when I enjoyed the delicious sensation of being a romantic and yet somewhat sketchy rebel against the stodgy old gloria steinem morals with which I'd been brought up. Now that time has passed and instead I think thoughts like "these young females of today have no idea how to act".

 

[Quint]

...........

 

[Quint]

...........

 

[FurryFury]

LMAO I read it the same way uncle rosco.
Only I was thinking someone was wanting to sew doms together and make a quilt.

Me too! Lotion, lots of lotion to make their skin soft!

LOL.

Fury

 

[nymphee]

Me too, I had a fantastic image of lots of Doms and Dommes sitting around in a big circle in their finest finery, stiching happily, possibly with a log fire and kittens. A sort of sadistic sewing bee (is that how it's spelt?), if you will.

 

[St_George]

Actually yes, in a sense. My girl and I are fairly new to the whole scene, only paddlng in the metaphorical pool.

But some of the things she's asked for before I have felt fairly guilty for giving her. But my own ethical code has alwys been very practical. After having a carefull think about it I decided that it wasn't hurting anyone, and that we both really enoyed it... so how could it possibly be wrong?






(whew - and all that typed without a keyboard?)

Oh, thank God! I thought I might be the only one! My girl andf I are in much the same situation as you and I often think in a similar way. I do not mean that spanking my sub does nothing for me, but I frequently worry about the moral implication of inflicting pain on another, with consent or otherwise. The trouble is I am not quite sure what the moral implications are! Pain hurts, if you see what I mean.
Can any of the more experienced Doms shed any light on this?

 

[JMohegan]

Oh, thank God! I thought I might be the only one! My girl andf I are in much the same situation as you and I often think in a similar way. I do not mean that spanking my sub does nothing for me, but I frequently worry about the moral implication of inflicting pain on another, with consent or otherwise. The trouble is I am not quite sure what the moral implications are! Pain hurts, if you see what I mean.
Can any of the more experienced Doms shed any light on this?

As far as I'm concerned, Quint just did an outstanding shedding light on this. See post 16, above.

The only thing I would add is that it helps to apply the focus at the relationship level as well. Is your partner generally happy? Thriving? Functioning in a healthy way at school or work, and with her family and friends? Is she free to leave your relationship, but eager to stay?

If the answer to all of those questions is yes, then ask yourself: What, exactly, am I worried about here, and why?

 

[Bredon]

St. George

The trouble is I am not quite sure what the moral implications are!

Me neither! LOL what does it mean when you like to inflict pain, or powerlessness? Does that make you a bad person?

About

"Begin with the end in mind."

That would only work if I had no initial pleasure form it-- But it was not that my blushing partner asked me if I um-- could-- *hit* him a bit--
*I* like to hit poeple, and I look for submissives actively. Even though I would never hit anyone against their will, I still feel mildly disturbed--

I second St. Georges request- could some experinced Doms shed more light on this?

JMohegan-- I'm working on not sugarcoating. What would be the next step?

Bredon

 

[St_George]

As far as I'm concerned, Quint just did an outstanding shedding light on this. See post 16, above.

The only thing I would add is that it helps to apply the focus at the relationship level as well. Is your partner generally happy? Thriving? Functioning in a healthy way at school or work, and with her family and friends? Is she free to leave your relationship, but eager to stay?

If the answer to all of those questions is yes, then ask yourself: What, exactly, am I worried about here, and why?

Would you mind awefully if I were to PM you?

 

[JMohegan]

Would you mind awefully if I were to PM you?

Not at all. Please feel free.

 

[SweetCherry]

That would only work if I had no initial pleasure form it-- But it was not that my blushing partner asked me if I um-- could-- *hit* him a bit--
*I* like to hit poeple, and I look for submissives actively. Even though I would never hit anyone against their will, I still feel mildly disturbed--

You actively look for submissive partners. Chances are, more than a fwe of those submissive partners enjoys getting hit. Where's the problem, really? If you were forcing yourdesires on an unwilling partner, then I'd see it as a problem. But so long as the people you are with are OK with everything, so long as it's consensual, it's all good.

 

[angel_girl]

Or as Steven Covey would put it, "Begin with the end in mind."

I wonder if anyone's ever quoted "7 Habits" on the BDSM board before...

My Grandmother always says "Start as you mean to go on." Excellent advice in all things, I think.

And I read "Dom Quilt"...hoping for tips on putting together a kick ass blanket for wicked nights... /sigh