Dom/es?Feelings or Control??

[~Dream~]

I am asking this question for greater understanding of why if it is true,that sometimes Control of the sub/slave is more important to the Dom/me than the feelings involved between them.?

How do the two interact?Why does the Control mean so much?

IS IT A P.E. ISSUE?....Please post your thoughts here,Dom/me or sub.. thank-you and please forgive me as I am struggling for greater understanding here...

 

[mskittykatt]

i'm not sure how much good i can do posting here... except for possibly opening myself up for scrutiny. *sigh* but it may help so i'll try.

i am in a love first relationship with my honey. Perhaps some (i flatter myself here) remember my early talk of my Master Sannion. honey and sanni are not the same person.
i have been with Bry for a year and a half IRL and about a year online before that.
i have been with Sanni online for about 8 or 9 months in an online D/s relationship.

the plain fact of the matter is that whatever is happening with Bry is a journey for us together starting from the begining as a love or romantic relationship... and goes from there. we've had some **incredible** kinky sex, and we're playing around with D/s as he is comfortable proceeding.

what it comes down to is i needed more then that. the (first and foremost) friendship i have with Sanni and his loving guidance has helped my personal growth in leaps and bounds. i feel truely lost when his guidance isn't immediately available.

some may have different opinions here - but this is how it works for me. there are times my submission to him is immensly painful - signaling a growth spurt for me, and time to practice his patience ROFL. Sometimes during that time i've had to ask him for more love, attention and patience with me, and sometimes i've had to wait for him to make himself more available.

i get off topic here - sometimes my need for D/s, even my desire for D/s (my submission) is more important then "outside feelings"
it is infact so important that i had to be honest with my honey about how i felt, what i wanted/needed and we spent a lot of time working through where *we* fit into all that. ending with my spiritual/emotional submission to my Lord Sannion and my physical/emotional commitment to my honey Bry.

that is, though, just what I needed, and the levels of intensity and growth vary in these relationships everyday - which demands a lot of work and attention, as well as a lot of honest communication, and affirmation for my men.

i don't know if this will really help you any Dream, but i really hope it will. Just remember when it feels like one aspect seems more important at the moment, remember that work is needed on all aspects of our relationships for them to hold strong and steady. this could just be a time to look at "this" part before you can move on.
**hugs** all my best wishes hon, pm me if you wanna talk more

 

[~Dream~]

mskittycat

i'm not sure how much good i can do posting here... except for possibly opening myself up for scrutiny. *sigh* but it may help so i'll try.

i feel truely lost when his guidance isn't immediately available.
___________________________________________________

You got THAT right"!!!
___________________________

some may have different opinions here - but this is how it works for me. there are times my submission to him is immensly painful - signaling a growth spurt for me, and time to practice his patience ROFL. Sometimes during that time i've had to ask him for more love, attention and patience with me, and sometimes i've had to wait for him to make himself more available.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
today has been very very painful for me as I have LOTS going on in R/L too ..my son ,who is 24 and has been living with me,is leaving to go live w/dad in Indiana..crying as I type this ..sorry..
i will miss him very much and being bi-polar doesnt help with all my dam bratty -mood swings..Master has said I have been "Topping" all day and that just kills me cause now our communication has broke down..I am a stubborn woman,I'LL BE THE 1ST TO ADMIT THAT...however I HAVE NEEDS TOO.. I have always been told by Him and others that it's His place to meet them..either He cant or I'm not letting HIM ..i'M not really sure which i only know that the ONLY answer cannot ALWAYS be "just submit"..understanding and NOT submission is called for here,in MY eyes..I HAVE submitted over & over & over till I'm just plain tired..literally exhausted..my health suffers when i GET LIKE THIS,SO TENSE,upset,angry...I hate being mad at Him..but I am
parts of me wanna feel that it's ok to be... parts say that it is TERRIBLY wrong and DISRESPECTFUL...however I feel disrespected when the lines of communication are shut also...am I wrong??yes it IS PAINFUL ..AS HELL
__________________________________________




i get off topic here - sometimes my need for D/s, even my desire for D/s (my submission) is more important then "outside feelings"
it is infact so important that i had to be honest with my honey about how i felt, what i wanted/needed and we spent a lot of time working through where *we* fit into all that. ending with my spiritual/emotional submission to my Lord Sannion and my physical/emotional commitment to my honey Bry.

*remember that work is needed on all aspects of our relationships for them to hold strong and steady. this could just be a time to look at "this" part before you can move on.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WORK IS A TWO-WAY STREET

_______________________
I may take you up on that pm,thank-you just not right now ok...i need some downtime..tonite was sposed to be *special* alas something I have waited well over a week for....

 

[Ebonyfire]

I am asking this question for greater understanding of why if it is true,that sometimes Control of the sub/slave is more important to the Dom/me than the feelings involved between them.?

I do not understand what you are asking, dream.

Every relationship is different. It depends on the type of relationship a Dom/me and sub has. Domination is control. And D/s is a power exchange, so in effect control is part of that.

Is there something specific you have in mind?

Ebony

 

[Goddess Helena]

I agree with Ebony.
Every relationship is different.
My boy and I began as friends. We have built on that. When things are not going well, we can fall back on our friendship and on what drew us together in the first place.


Helena

 

[Shadowsdream]

Control is often love in a BDSM relationship in My opinion. When a submissive has approached Me and begun a conversation with their need, desire and dreams of submitting they know that it is submission that interests Me.
I am not approached as a Dominant by a submissive person looking for love. They come to Me looking for control and Domination.
The love finds its seed in the magic and blossoms into a beautiful flower through the nurturing and control taken and given. I speak of relationships that begin BECAUSE of the D/s kinks not the relationships that were founded with love before BDSM was a thought in the mind of either.
Those relations have a different foundation which have already built trust and a knowledge of each other. Only those beginning there can answer from their persepctive.

 

[cymbidia]

I speak of relationships that begin BECAUSE of the D/s kinks not the relationships that were founded with love before BDSM was a thought in the mind of either.

My relationship with Tex, still delicately new after only a month and a half, was begun in the roaring blaze of shared BDSM kinks. The tenderness of love comes later, sometimes, if we are lucky, he told me in the very early days. Trust me on this.

I'd long ached for the wild heights of release available to me only in the hands of a very skilled SM practicioner, and i nodded my acceptance of his words, of the potential they bespoke. Slowly, arcing toward him, craving the control he settled over me gently, like it had always been there, i bared the throat of my deeper self and began to trust.

The journey has begun. We've set sail on a boat made of shared kinks and, already, tenderness, respect, and caring have begun to collect in the rafters and caulk the seams of our ship.

Indeed it is true: two people can begin the most valuable BDSM journey of thier lives hand-in-hand with each other, love shining from both sets of eyes - or with complementary kinks blazing, and fuel to spare for softer emotions, later.

Amazing.
Wonderful.
After all this time, to learn something so elemental is marvelous, and to learn it as it unfolds in my life is even better.

 

[WillowPuss]

<snip>

I speak of relationships that begin BECAUSE of the D/s kinks not the relationships that were founded with love before BDSM was a thought in the mind of either.
Those relations have a different foundation which have already built trust and a knowledge of each other. Only those beginning there can answer from their persepctive.

Hmm well, I guess that is the type of relationship Robuck and I have ...


Dream, when I submitted to Robuck, I gave him the gift of my submission - I gave up control of many, many aspects of my life. Those I have retained are only those needed to ensure that our children do not realise just how much had changed - things like choosing the menu; dolling out pocket money (even though it actually comes from Him) - stuff like that.

OK - my feelings ... Robuck can usually tell (often before I know myself) that something is not quite right. He will ask, at our discussion time, what is wrong. It is then down to me to explain what I am feeling, and why. To offer it to Him for His consideration. He may or maynot give me an answer there and then. He may decide that He needs time to think. When He is ready, He will give me His thoughts on what I could do, and what He would do. Almost always He is right. When I think it is wrong, I will ask questions.
But ... bottom line, I offered it up for His input - and I will be expected to follow it once all the discussions are over.


Now, you ask why "Control of the sub/slave is more important to the Dom/me than the feelings involved between them.?"
If you have given them your submission in everything - then the two things cannot be separated, in my opinion. The control of the Dom/me is everything - their feelings for the submissive is closely interwoven with this.




I am not sure if this has helped, or just muddied the waters.

Possibly, you need to contact Artful (PM, Email, telephone, snail mail if needs be) asking Him for a time to communicate openly and honestly.

 

[CarolineOh]

Hmm well, I guess that is the type of relationship Robuck and I have ...


Dream, when I submitted to Robuck, I gave him the gift of my submission - I gave up control of many, many aspects of my life. Those I have retained are only those needed to ensure that our children do not realise just how much had changed - things like choosing the menu; dolling out pocket money (even though it actually comes from Him) - stuff like that.

OK - my feelings ... Robuck can usually tell (often before I know myself) that something is not quite right. He will ask, at our discussion time, what is wrong. It is then down to me to explain what I am feeling, and why. To offer it to Him for His consideration. He may or maynot give me an answer there and then. He may decide that He needs time to think. When He is ready, He will give me His thoughts on what I could do, and what He would do. Almost always He is right. When I think it is wrong, I will ask questions.
But ... bottom line, I offered it up for His input - and I will be expected to follow it once all the discussions are over.


Now, you ask why "Control of the sub/slave is more important to the Dom/me than the feelings involved between them.?"
If you have given them your submission in everything - then the two things cannot be separated, in my opinion. The control of the Dom/me is everything - their feelings for the submissive is closely interwoven with this.




I am not sure if this has helped, or just muddied the waters.

Possibly, you need to contact Artful (PM, Email, telephone, snail mail if needs be) asking Him for a time to communicate openly and honestly.

Robuck, meet Sam, Sam meet your long lost brother Robuck

 

[Ebonyfire]

i'm not sure how much good i can do posting here... except for possibly opening myself up for scrutiny. *sigh* but it may help so i'll try.

i am in a love first relationship with my honey. Perhaps some (i flatter myself here) remember my early talk of my Master Sannion. honey and sanni are not the same person.
i have been with Bry for a year and a half IRL and about a year online before that.
i have been with Sanni online for about 8 or 9 months in an online D/s relationship.

the plain fact of the matter is that whatever is happening with Bry is a journey for us together starting from the begining as a love or romantic relationship... and goes from there. we've had some **incredible** kinky sex, and we're playing around with D/s as he is comfortable proceeding.

what it comes down to is i needed more then that. the (first and foremost) friendship i have with Sanni and his loving guidance has helped my personal growth in leaps and bounds. i feel truely lost when his guidance isn't immediately available.

some may have different opinions here - but this is how it works for me. there are times my submission to him is immensly painful - signaling a growth spurt for me, and time to practice his patience ROFL. Sometimes during that time i've had to ask him for more love, attention and patience with me, and sometimes i've had to wait for him to make himself more available.

i get off topic here - sometimes my need for D/s, even my desire for D/s (my submission) is more important then "outside feelings"
it is infact so important that i had to be honest with my honey about how i felt, what i wanted/needed and we spent a lot of time working through where *we* fit into all that. ending with my spiritual/emotional submission to my Lord Sannion and my physical/emotional commitment to my honey Bry.

that is, though, just what I needed, and the levels of intensity and growth vary in these relationships everyday - which demands a lot of work and attention, as well as a lot of honest communication, and affirmation for my men.

i don't know if this will really help you any Dream, but i really hope it will. Just remember when it feels like one aspect seems more important at the moment, remember that work is needed on all aspects of our relationships for them to hold strong and steady. this could just be a time to look at "this" part before you can move on.
**hugs** all my best wishes hon, pm me if you wanna talk more

mskittykatt ,

I would not presume to criticize you on your choices.

I do not like it when I perceive others are passing judgment on me. When in fact, I am posting to share information, not ask for validation. IMHO, the main reason to share and "open yourself" is to share information that someone can use or ignore, whatever the case.

I appreciate your candor.

Ebony

I enjoyed your post.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Control is often love in a BDSM relationship in My opinion. When a submissive has approached Me and begun a conversation with their need, desire and dreams of submitting they know that it is submission that interests Me.
I am not approached as a Dominant by a submissive person looking for love. They come to Me looking for control and Domination.
The love finds its seed in the magic and blossoms into a beautiful flower through the nurturing and control taken and given. I speak of relationships that begin BECAUSE of the D/s kinks not the relationships that were founded with love before BDSM was a thought in the mind of either.
Those relations have a different foundation which have already built trust and a knowledge of each other. Only those beginning there can answer from their persepctive.

I agree. When I talk to prospective subs, I make it clear that I am looking for a submissive, not a lover or husband. I am not looking for love. In fact I never look for love, it just seems to show up!

But I do look for a submissive who needs to submit to the level that compliments my need for control. And for the sub to really interest me, I must get to know the man behind the submissive.

Ebony

 

[A Desert Rose]

I am asking this question for greater understanding of why if it is true,that sometimes Control of the sub/slave is more important to the Dom/me than the feelings involved between them.?

How do the two interact?Why does the Control mean so much?

IS IT A P.E. ISSUE?....Please post your thoughts here,Dom/me or sub.. thank-you and please forgive me as I am struggling for greater understanding here...

~~~~~I've had a real hard time responding to this thread, Dream. My previous Dom rarely seemed to care about my feelings and his control was paramount to the relationship. On the rare occassions that I could make him understand when I felt my feelings were neglected, he would come across with some very sincere overtures. But those were indeed, rare occassions.

I can only say the same things others have and will say: communicate with him. Be honest and sincere and respectful but tell him how you are feeling and what you need from him. I think Art will see what it is you need. And he will be forthcoming.

Love,
Rose

 

[~Dream~]

thanks Eb...

I agree. When I talk to prospective subs, I make it clear that I am looking for a submissive, not a lover or husband. I am not looking for love. In fact I never look for love, it just seems to show up!

But I do look for a submissive who needs to submit to the level that compliments my need for control. And for the sub to really interest me, I must get to know the man behind the submissive.

Ebony

I Did not go into my relationship with Artful looking for love or a lover either..only a Master to control me..as it happily ended up tho,we grew to love each other deeply..I have a long road ahead of me,there is NO doubt,but then again,I have a very patient ,and loving man by my side who I choose to let allows control me...it is MY gift to both Him and myself..

 

[~Dream~]

Re: Re: Dom/es?Feelings or Control??

~~~~~I've had a real hard time responding to this thread, Dream. My previous Dom rarely seemed to care about my feelings and his control was paramount to the relationship. On the rare occassions that I could make him understand when I felt my feelings were neglected, he would come across with some very sincere overtures. But those were indeed, rare occassions.

I can only say the same things others have and will say: communicate with him. Be honest and sincere and respectful but tell him how you are feeling and what you need from him. I think Art will see what it is you need. And he will be forthcoming.

Love,
Rose

As I found out after talking last night Rose,the control is also paramount to Artful,does that mean He DOESNT love me? no ,it doesnt..does it mean it's His very REAL need to do so? yes!!
I respect His needs also ,because I love HIM...ALL i HAVE TO REMEMBER IS THAT my Master wants what is BEST for us Both,not just for Himself which is the kind of treatment I was "used to' and "comfortable 'with in my vanilla relationships

 

[A Desert Rose]

I agree. When I talk to prospective subs, I make it clear that I am looking for a submissive, not a lover or husband. I am not looking for love. In fact I never look for love, it just seems to show up!

But I do look for a submissive who needs to submit to the level that compliments my need for control. And for the sub to really interest me, I must get to know the man behind the submissive.

Ebony

~~~~~~~Sheeesh Eb. I get so much out of your posts and MC's too. It does give me insight into a Dom/me's psyche.

Thank you,

Rose

 

[~Dream~]

Hmm well, I guess that is the type of relationship Robuck and I have ...


Dream, when I submitted to Robuck, I gave him the gift of my submission - I gave up control of many, many aspects of my life. Those I have retained are only those needed to ensure that our children do not realise just how much had changed - things like choosing the menu; dolling out pocket money (even though it actually comes from Him) - stuff like that.

OK - my feelings ... Robuck can usually tell (often before I know myself) that something is not quite right. He will ask, at our discussion time, what is wrong. It is then down to me to explain what I am feeling, and why. To offer it to Him for His consideration. He may or maynot give me an answer there and then. He may decide that He needs time to think. When He is ready, He will give me His thoughts on what I could do, and what He would do. Almost always He is right. When I think it is wrong, I will ask questions.
But ... bottom line, I offered it up for His input - and I will be expected to follow it once all the discussions are over.


Now, you ask why "Control of the sub/slave is more important to the Dom/me than the feelings involved between them.?"
If you have given them your submission in everything - then the two things cannot be separated, in my opinion. The control of the Dom/me is everything - their feelings for the submissive is closely interwoven with this.




I am not sure if this has helped, or just muddied the waters.

Possibly, you need to contact Artful (PM, Email, telephone, snail mail if needs be) asking Him for a time to communicate openly and honestly.

__________________________________________
Thank-you so much for your perspective Willow Sis,I have since talked at length with My Master,and I do believe we have a better understanding of EACH OTHER..sometimes,being a woman,I just get way too emotional .and dont stop to "THINK' ABOUT THINGS ..I only 'REACT' ..this is not always good...

 

[Persephone36]

__________________________________________
Thank-you so much for your perspective Willow Sis,I have since talked at length with My Master,and I do believe we have a better understanding of EACH OTHER..sometimes,being a woman,I just get way too emotional .and dont stop to "THINK' ABOUT THINGS ..I only 'REACT' ..this is not always good...

That's not a "woman" thing Dream -- being emotional. It's a human quality. And one that should be cherished, because it's a part of you. There shouldn't be a negative judgment on your part for something that is your nature. After all -- think of the wonderful ways being emotional makes you that much more expressive of love. Not everyone can do it -- or even feel that. There's just nothing wrong with it. Time to stop beating yourself up Dream, okay?

But yes, reacting quickly can be painful. I think if you felt better and stronger about yourself -- if you just overall accepted yourself and were kinder to yourself -- it wouldn't take such a toll on you.

That's not to say that relationships aren't hard work. They just ****ing are! It's not always roses -- it's also the thorns that truly hurt that make a relationship stronger. If you can work through the most difficult things -- and it doesn't erode your self-esteem (because that is of *paramount* important -- and I can't emphasize that enough) then disagreements and painful times will make the relationship that much stronger when you've come to a place of new understanding and appreciation for each other.

I also dropped a long note to you on the "Welcome back" thread. Just want you to know that I'm concerned and thinking of you.

P.