Doesn't it scare you...

[ownedsubgal]

I take it he is a male. I have yet to meet a FemDom with male subs who wanted a wounded bird. Another difference. The Dommes I know (myself included) are only interested in strength. My boys may have issues, but being weak or wounded is not one of them.

You do not strike me as being weak or wounded ownedsubgal.

well ty very much Ebonyfire...i take that as a compliment. but the reality is, i'm not a very strong person, and not the sort of sub who can be independent and take care of myself, just for the sake of myself. also have major depression and self esteem issues...so, i'm definitely not easy to own. online and offline, you'll notice most Dominants, male and female, saying they desire a "strong" submissive, not some weak timid defenseless lil thing...but i was fortunate enough to find a Master who wanted the very opposite sort of submissive, a submissive who would truly need him, just to function normally, who would be wholly dependent on him. and that is me totally. but i don't know, perhaps it is more likely for male Dominants to want the weak/wounded type.

 

[MissTaken]

I don't know,

I have mulled over this thread topic for days, now. Well, since it began.

I am not "scared" by what we see, but yes, concerned about submissives who either hop into a relationship very soon or do the "Dom hop."

Sublust: Yes, Many of us, once finding out what it is about us and within us that has left us restless and lonely for many years and once identified, try to jump in.

Some people in vanilla relationshps will do move equally as quickly, trying to fill some gaping hole in their life without consideration for the consequences of their actions, as well.

In either situation, time is our friend and knowledge is safety, especially as it pertains to internet dating.

However, I remember discussions on this forum some time ago where in some believed a submissive should "explore" in local munch groups and real life settings. In some respects, I do beleive that "sublust" is best treated on the net. One can have a "hotlist" of 15 Dominants, none of whom can hurt you, if you are careful. Hopefully, while juggling a vast array of Dominants, a submissive gets a feel for the lifestyle and his or her wants and needs.

While I do get concerned, from time to time, with very few exceptions, we are all grown ups and hopefully, if those I would be concerned about are reading this forum, they will learn and prevent themselves from falling into the dangers of moving too quickly.

I am a strong believer in mentoring. If a trusted and valued mentor is there to help you keep your feet on the ground and make sound decisions, safety is ensured and hopefully, with a bit of blunt speak, bad experiences can be avoided.

The support is out there if people chose to avail themselves of it.

 

[ChemE_student]

It's really important to be comfortable with your own sexuality before you get involved in any relationship, and I can say this from the perspective of never having experienced any real D/s. I think there are so many of us who long for sex and for human companionship when we don't have it that we rush the relationship building that should be so integral between partners. I have been guilty of that at times, and I admit to great curiousity about exploring my submissive side. I'm pretty thankful that I have so much stuff going on in my life that I don't have time to go throwing myself at the first man who seems interesting.

On the other hand, it does seem like fun. <sigh>

 

[Pleasurekitten]

Re: I don't know,

<snip> In some respects, I do beleive that "sublust" is best treated on the net. One can have a "hotlist" of 15 Dominants, none of whom can hurt you, if you are careful. Hopefully, while juggling a vast array of Dominants, a submissive gets a feel for the lifestyle and his or her wants and needs. <snip>

i'd love to know how juggling 15 Doms at once is possible. i think i'd be so totally confused.

 

[MissTaken]

It's really important to be comfortable with your own sexuality before you get involved in any relationship, and I can say this from the perspective of never having experienced any real D/s. I think there are so many of us who long for sex and for human companionship when we don't have it that we rush the relationship building that should be so integral between partners. I have been guilty of that at times, and I admit to great curiousity about exploring my submissive side. I'm pretty thankful that I have so much stuff going on in my life that I don't have time to go throwing myself at the first man who seems interesting.

On the other hand, it does seem like fun. <sigh>

All in good time.

I have been there and yes, made some lousy choices in my desire to get the ball rolling.

It is better to make sure it is right than to spoil yoru first experience by being with the wrong Dom. Really.

*hugs*

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Re: I don't know,

i'd love to know how juggling 15 Doms at once is possible. i think i'd be so totally confused.

You might be amazed at what DSL and the ability to type 70 words a minute can do!

Oh, and lots of caffiene!

 

[SierraMoon]

All in good time.

I have been there and yes, made some lousy choices in my desire to get the ball rolling.

It is better to make sure it is right than to spoil yoru first experience by being with the wrong Dom. Really.

*hugs*

AMEN MissT!!!

That's what happened with me!

 

[Pleasurekitten]

Re: Re: Re: I don't know,

You might be amazed at what DSL and the ability to type 70 words a minute can do!

Oh, and lots of caffiene!

And an excellent memory to boot!

 

[ownedsubgal]

Re: Re: I don't know,

i'd love to know how juggling 15 Doms at once is possible. i think i'd be so totally confused.

juggling Dominants is easy. but forget online, i say go for real life....the internet D/s world has soooo much well, garbage...in it, that i think that for a newbie to limit themselves to online or to get most of their knowledge about the lifestyle from what they see online, would be a grave mistake. one can be careful in real life, isn't really that difficult.

 

[Desdemona]

Dominant juggling

Sounds like the subbie olympics to me!!!!

 

[A Desert Rose]

O O...nope..doesn't scare Me..pisses Me off!
For several reasons which are perhaps tied up in how many messages I get from the uninformed or just plain horny..to be My slave.
...what CONCERNS Me....is...IF this woman/man is sincerely on the road to a new journey they could be holding themselves *back* from the potential of interraction and a possible relationship on some level, with a Dominant personality.
...running to someone or something that you do not know...is insulting to say the least and reeks of desperation. It does not make the searchee (argh) stand out in any special way.
...eyes looking through the fantasy of submission can take years of rejection and emotional pain before they see past the projection of the fantasy Dom/me who is also creating themselves as they type.
..no it does not scare Me...but it does pain Me emotionally when I recognize the seed of reality and the potential that could realize their heaven and magic simply by being a little more difficult to OWN as they open themselves to honesty and the thirst for knowledge about this amazing lifestyle.

As usual.... well said, Shadows.

 

[emer]

I've been thinking

and reading ... and re-reading all of your words. Mainly thinking. And I have come to the conclusion that I'm just in it for the kinky sex.

Please don't anyone think I'm being sarcastic or flippant or making light of the nature of D/s. When I read your accounts of the lifestyle, service, demands, joys, and love I do think it is beautiful. But right now I don't want to Serve anyone, or be a Slave. I just want to explore the sexual side of D/s.

I got sucked in and mesmerized by the Doms I met online. (rebound from separation from hub) Fell hard and promised way more than I can truly give. So now, I'm going to reconnect with old friends, socialize, go to dinner, go out on dates. Maybe I'll get lucky and meet some guy who just may be interested in exploring too.

emer

 

[bunny bondage]

well emer, i wish you the best of luck. hey, we're all different here and one thing about us bdsm'ers is that we tend to be more accepting of people and their varying degrees of kink. i'm actually quite happy for you that you understand what you want and are open about it with potential lovers. so go for it! ^_^

 

[emer]

Thank you Bunny!

Sometimes it feels like I finally worked up the nerve to climb the highest diving board and jump in ... only to find the water 3 feet deep and screaming cold.

BTW ... beautiful avatar ... find it hard to believe I'm taking advice from and basking in the praise of some girl young enough to be my daughter ... who smokes clove cigarettes! (you, not her!)

Sincere Thanks!
emer

 

[bunny bondage]

wow, you can tell it's a clove! i figured it was too dark to distinguish, and somebody even thought it was a cigar! and thanks! ^_^

 

[kayte]

Re: I've been thinking

and reading ... and re-reading all of your words. Mainly thinking. And I have come to the conclusion that I'm just in it for the kinky sex.

Please don't anyone think I'm being sarcastic or flippant or making light of the nature of D/s. When I read your accounts of the lifestyle, service, demands, joys, and love I do think it is beautiful. But right now I don't want to Serve anyone, or be a Slave. I just want to explore the sexual side of D/s.

I got sucked in and mesmerized by the Doms I met online. (rebound from separation from hub) Fell hard and promised way more than I can truly give. So now, I'm going to reconnect with old friends, socialize, go to dinner, go out on dates. Maybe I'll get lucky and meet some guy who just may be interested in exploring too.

emer

emer ~ There is nothing wrong with having an interest only in the sexual part of D/s, nothing at all.

You are so fortunate to understand your own needs and desires. Please be careful !!!! Good luck !!!

 

[emer]

no ... can't take credit

(edited ... referring to cloves!)

altho, on occasion, I have been accused of reading minds!

Sometime, someplace, you admitted to that vice. It stuck in my mind.

Kayte ... thanks!

emer ... fading ... so sleepy! Have a great week everyone.

 

[MWG]

I look at it this way...

A person (at least, a reasonably non-self destructive person) isn't going to leap into a committed, plain, vanilla relationship with the first person they meet who shows interest. Normal relationships, love relationships, take time, compatibility, understanding... and I think, to a certain degree, D/s takes even MORE finesse and caution. Usually, a botched love relationship can end up in badly wounded feelings... a botched D/s relationship can end up in badly wounded feelings as WELL as physical wounds and very bad psychological scars that might go deeper than those of a failed love relationship. It really does take a LOT of trust to enter a D/s relationship, and the eagerness to just rush into one can be harmful on so many more levels than a regular relationship. However, the "courting" phase is exactly the same... you have to get to know and trust a Master just as you would a lover, a boyfriend (if one's Master isn't one and the same). Of course, the bad thing is, there are submissives who conduct their searches for D/s relationships the way they always did their love relationships- carelessly, without thought, and with regard only being placed upon finding someone as quickly as possible to "fill the void" (no pun intended). A lot of emphasis needs to be placed upon establishing trustworthiness in a Master- the Master, in my opinion, really has the greater responsibility of the two.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Just stumbled in from work and then stumbled onto this thread. I have a deep understanding of people who jus charge head first into this lifestyle because before I discovered BDSM, i took to every nilla relationship that way. It wasn't until I met a woman and dated her for almost a year that I discovered the submissive in me. After we parted ways, I ran crazy looking for any one to fill that void. it is a wonder that i am still here, since i found myself in extremely uncomfortable situations of my own making, many times. I have been involved in this lifestyle (in one aspect or another) for close to 10 years and I am still amazed by the fact that I have managed to escape some serious problems. So am I scared for them? Yes. Do I think I could talk them out of discovering their mistakes for themselves? No...because no lesson is as wll learned as one you teach yourself. Just my opinion ya'll but I had to voice it...

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Re: I've been thinking

emer ~ There is nothing wrong with having an interest only in the sexual part of D/s, nothing at all.

You are so fortunate to understand your own needs and desires. Please be careful !!!! Good luck !!!

Good post, and so true.

Even and especially exploring the sexual play, one has to be careful. MysteryWhite Girl's post says it....safety is an issue.

But having a trusted play partner can be a nice release, a good friendship and a wonderful way to discover what you do and do not need/want/desire/crave.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I look at it this way...

A person (at least, a reasonably non-self destructive person) isn't going to leap into a committed, plain, vanilla relationship with the first person they meet who shows interest.

Lol, you haven't been reading the Playground thread much have you?

I have seen it happen over and over again. The type of mentality that engages in this kind of behaviour will do it whether it is D/s or vanilla.

 

[Ebonyfire]

you'll notice most Dominants, male and female, saying they desire a "strong" submissive, not some weak timid defenseless lil thing...

Well, I want a strong adult male, not a child. A submissive is a person, and as human beings, we all have our issues, even dominants. However, I do not want someone who is not a whole human being who can stand on his own. I personally want submissive who needs to be dominated by Me, but I do not want to be his mother or his keeper or his jailer.

Others may feel differently.

 

[Arden]

Lol, you haven't been reading the Playground thread much have you?

I have seen it happen over and over again. The type of mentality that engages in this kind of behaviour will do it whether it is D/s or vanilla.

You're correct, be it vanilla or BDSM, there are many who leap into relationships too quickly, and for the wrong reasons. The relationships that really scare me are the young women that 'appear' to turn to BDSM in hopes of finding Mr. Right when they fail to find him on the Playground, the GB, or in real life. They will subject themselves to anything, just to feel wanted. It hurts me to see that going on because they always seem to wind up being used as a doormat, and are terribly hurt when it's over.

There are a few, however, that have found wonderful partners here. Sometimes, finding that person when you're NOT looking for someone to fufill your needs is the best bet. When I first became friends with my partner, I didn't know that he was a Dominant - nor did I know much about D/s for that matter. (I've always been perverted and kinky, just never labeled myself as anything other than normal) We spent many months getting to know each other as friends before becoming more deeply involved. Today, nine months after our first interaction on the boards, we are planning our third meeting for July. We are still exploring the beginnings of our D/s relationship, but patience has it's rewards. Most importantly, it works for us.

I've made bad choices in the past, but feel blessed that I've been able to learn from them. Now that I'm an old fogie, I no longer have the time nor the patience for relationships without purpose. I couldn't be involved with anyone that didn't have a strong sense of self, and know what they wanted from both the relationship, and life itself. You live, you learn.

 

[SierraMoon]

You know Arden... what you say is sooo true!!

i am starting on only my second D/s relationship... the first was with a sadistic man whom i had no emotional ties to. i was physically hurt a few times, but i accepted it... or thought i had to. i thought i needed to go along with him to be "a good submissive" but in truth, that wasn't right at all. i now know that i can make my feelings about things known, and use safe words without any worries of disappointing the Dom. i had no idea in the beginning.... i just hope that all the novice subs (of which i am still one) look out for themselves first...

Now i'm about to meet my online Dom, whom i have been talking to since November online, and on the phone. We have a very strong bond growing between us, and i am anxious to get our r/l relationship going... but he has been holding me back... it is frustrating, but when i really think about it, i know he is looking out for my best interests in that he is new to BDSM also, and wants to be prepared before meeting. i believe that to be a very good sign when looking for a Dominant... one who thinks of you first, before his need to control.

Again... just my opinion....

 

[Shadowsdream]

Lol, there are some on the Playground that keep you guessing who is next in line for their 'affair of the month' club. (Inbetween their "I'm leaving Lit" threads, of course)

You're correct, be it vanilla or BDSM, there are many who leap into relationships too quickly, and for the wrong reasons. The relationships that really scare me are the young women that 'appear' to turn to BDSM in hopes of finding Mr. Right when they fail to find him on the Playground, the GB, or in real life. They will subject themselves to anything, just to feel wanted. It hurts me to see that going on because they always seem to wind up being used as a doormat, and are terribly hurt when it's over.

There are a few, however, that have found wonderful partners here. Sometimes, finding that person when you're NOT looking for someone to fufill your needs is the best bet. When I first became friends with my partner, I didn't know that he was a Dominant - nor did I know much about D/s for that matter. (I've always been perverted and kinky, just never labeled myself as anything other than normal) We spent many months getting to know each other as friends before becoming more deeply involved. Today, nine months after our first interaction on the boards, we are planning our third meeting for July. We are still exploring the beginnings of our D/s relationship, but patience has it's rewards. Most importantly, it works for us.

I've made bad choices in the past, but feel blessed that I've been able to learn from them. Now that I'm an old fogie, I no longer have the time nor the patience for relationships without purpose. I couldn't be involved with anyone that didn't have a strong sense of self, and know what they wanted from both the relationship, and life itself. You live, you learn.

Beautifully put!