Does your dominant filter your outside contact?

[Snoozebutton2]

I personally never had a my submissive run her emails through me. I always assumed D/s was based on trust. I think you are given trust once and if show me can't be trusted you are not my type to date. I am curious to hear from those that are monitored and do the monitoring. Do you like the extra layer of isolation or is it a control issue? I know there are a lot of predators out there but her simply saying no always worked for me. I hope to learn some insights as just don't understand.

 

[ownedsubgal]

well this sort of thing is not always a trust issue, particularly in D/s relationships. my Dominant monitors and controls any contact i have with the outside world, online or face to face, because he owns me and therefore wants to maintain a web of control over every aspect of my life. so he monitors all my email and other online correspondence, keeps a close watch over what websites i visit and why (only certain types of websites are allowed), controls any contact i have with people face to face, who my friends are (if any), etc. He has complete trust in me, something i gratefully earned long ago, so that's not what it's about. it's simply about wanting and needing to control what is his. by doing this he keeps out bad influences and reinforces positive (to slavery) values.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

well this sort of thing is not always a trust issue, particularly in D/s relationships. my Dominant monitors and controls any contact i have with the outside world, online or face to face, because he owns me and therefore wants to maintain a web of control over every aspect of my life. so he monitors all my email and other online correspondence, keeps a close watch over what websites i visit and why (only certain types of websites are allowed), controls any contact i have with people face to face, who my friends are (if any), etc. He has complete trust in me, something i gratefully earned long ago, so that's not what it's about. it's simply about wanting and needing to control what is his. by doing this he keeps out bad influences and reinforces positive (to slavery) values.

I have to say you are the exception to the rule as you have a very unique relationship which I respect your choices. But as you are a 24/7 slave I could see that this would happen you in your life. You are far edgier than most here on the boards. I do appreciate your sharing and another peek into your brand of the lifestyle.

 

[HottieMama]

Fortunately, any Dom i have been involved with has never wanted to monitor my contact with the outside world...my vanilla girlfriend however is a different story. Seriously though...if He did...and it was a condition of our relationship, i think the relationship would be over. While i have no secrets from Him, allowing Him to read my email/IM's/whatever would be a breach of trust with the other person i was corresponding with...and that would bother me terribly.



**lots of trust questions floating around on the boards today i have noticed...**

 

[ecstaticsub]

My Dom monitors all my email and IMs with people I have met on the 'net. I did not like this at all in the beginning but I obeyed. Now I think it is a wonderful way for us to communicate and it has worked well as a way for him to better understand who I am.

It has nothing to do with trust. It has to do with me showing my obedience even though I didn't like it and him wanting to know everything about me, how my mind worked.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Fortunately, any Dom i have been involved with has never wanted to monitor my contact with the outside world...my vanilla girlfriend however is a different story. Seriously though...if He did...and it was a condition of our relationship, i think the relationship would be over. While i have no secrets from Him, allowing Him to read my email/IM's/whatever would be a breach of trust with the other person i was corresponding with...and that would bother me terribly.



**lots of trust questions floating around on the boards today i have noticed...**

I am more to your way of thought when comes to how interact with other people. As want to give a partner space to grow on her own. And see all the things in lifestyle good and bad. Knowing that whenever she needed me I was there.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

My Dom monitors all my email and IMs with people I have met on the 'net. I did not like this at all in the beginning but I obeyed. Now I think it is a wonderful way for us to communicate and it has worked well as a way for him to better understand who I am.

It has nothing to do with trust. It has to do with me showing my obedience even though I didn't like it and him wanting to know everything about me, how my mind worked.

So you are you allowed a outlet that lets you bounce your thoughts of your relationship privately?

 

[HottieMama]

For those that are monitored..do you inform everyone you talk to that you share everything that is said with your Dom? Because seriously, if i talked to someone and shared private shit with them and they went and told someone else...i would be hella pissed. If i knew beforehand, then i could monitor what i say.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm basically on the same page as osg except he also adds the element of the unknown by not checking everything or anything in particular. He has access to everything as is his belief it is the right to have as my owner, and I know fromm things he says that he sometimes does check, but he doesn't always and sees the unpredictability as adding another layer to what could become routine and basically expected. By doing it 100% of the time I actually think it shows trust more so than the opposite because if it is expected, only an idiot is going to do something they shouldn't....so stands to reason that although it is a right, if it is routine there really is very little expectation of finding something unexpected.

Catalina

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I'm basically on the same page as osg except he also adds the element of the unknown by not checking everything or anything in particular. He has access to everything as is his belief it is the right to have as my owner, and I know fromm things he says that he sometimes does check, but he doesn't always and sees the unpredictability as adding another layer to what could become routine and basically expected. By doing it 100% of the time I actually think it shows trust more so than the opposite because if it is expected, only an idiot is going to do something they shouldn't....so stands to reason that although it is a right, if it is routine there really is very little expectation of finding something unexpected.

Catalina

See my view is the same thing can be gotten by just asking a partner to just share what thet learned that day.And is it trust or just common sense to be good knowing can be monitered.

 

[Netzach]

I'm basically on the same page as osg except he also adds the element of the unknown by not checking everything or anything in particular. He has access to everything as is his belief it is the right to have as my owner, and I know fromm things he says that he sometimes does check, but he doesn't always and sees the unpredictability as adding another layer to what could become routine and basically expected. By doing it 100% of the time I actually think it shows trust more so than the opposite because if it is expected, only an idiot is going to do something they shouldn't....so stands to reason that although it is a right, if it is routine there really is very little expectation of finding something unexpected.

Catalina

This is how I operate with H. It's one of those intensive things that you can do LD. I like suprising him sometimes. I don't have ALL the passwords because frankly I think his work correspondence would put me to sleep, but I'm definitely the devil on his shoulder when he's posting to his crossdresser communities and whatnot. It's fun.

 

[Netzach]

For those that are monitored..do you inform everyone you talk to that you share everything that is said with your Dom? Because seriously, if i talked to someone and shared private shit with them and they went and told someone else...i would be hella pissed. If i knew beforehand, then i could monitor what i say.

I assume that people might tell a spouse, no matter what I said to them. Or a friend. Or anyone. Trust is when you can trust someone who's only going to tell the one person THEY trust. Usually that person isn't invested enough to tell others, or will respect the parameter. But most people tell the person they're intimate with most things. If I really want no one to know, I shut up.

 

[ownedsubgal]

I'm basically on the same page as osg except he also adds the element of the unknown by not checking everything or anything in particular. He has access to everything as is his belief it is the right to have as my owner, and I know fromm things he says that he sometimes does check, but he doesn't always and sees the unpredictability as adding another layer to what could become routine and basically expected. By doing it 100% of the time I actually think it shows trust more so than the opposite because if it is expected, only an idiot is going to do something they shouldn't....so stands to reason that although it is a right, if it is routine there really is very little expectation of finding something unexpected.

Catalina

makes sense to me. tho in our case it's not so much him just keeping watch over me...he trusts me by now, and knows that i know better than to get involved in something inappropriate. a greater part of it is limiting/controlling my exposure to and communication/contact with others. if i receive an email or IM from someone for instance (he always reads these things first), he may decide that he approves of this person, then he will tell me about it which means i can respond to them freely. He may decide that he doesn't approve of this person, and delete the message, and i'll never know it was there. and on rare occasions he may even decide to respond to them himself, if he feels they have majorly crossed a boundary. years ago, before he could trust me to conduct myself appropriately 100% of the time in online communication, he would edit my postings on boards and such or even send emails to others as me...his way of correcting things. now those things are not really an issue, so the focus is more on keeping me semi-isolated and my world very small.

 

[ownedsubgal]

For those that are monitored..do you inform everyone you talk to that you share everything that is said with your Dom? Because seriously, if i talked to someone and shared private shit with them and they went and told someone else...i would be hella pissed. If i knew beforehand, then i could monitor what i say.

the people who communicate with me privately all know i am a slave, so they know that no facet of my life is kept hidden from my Master.

 

[catalina_francisco]

This is how I operate with H. It's one of those intensive things that you can do LD. I like suprising him sometimes. I don't have ALL the passwords because frankly I think his work correspondence would put me to sleep, but I'm definitely the devil on his shoulder when he's posting to his crossdresser communities and whatnot. It's fun.

LOL, yes it is. I have no doubt F trusts me beyond what most people are lucky enough to enjoy, but it does add an element to the exchange, does maintain the level of indefinable control, and has a powerful way of just making you think twice sometimes even if you are not doing something wrong.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

makes sense to me. tho in our case it's not so much him just keeping watch over me...he trusts me by now, and knows that i know better than to get involved in something inappropriate. a greater part of it is limiting/controlling my exposure to and communication/contact with others. if i receive an email or IM from someone for instance (he always reads these things first), he may decide that he approves of this person, then he will tell me about it which means i can respond to them freely. He may decide that he doesn't approve of this person, and delete the message, and i'll never know it was there. and on rare occasions he may even decide to respond to them himself, if he feels they have majorly crossed a boundary. years ago, before he could trust me to conduct myself appropriately 100% of the time in online communication, he would edit my postings on boards and such or even send emails to others as me...his way of correcting things. now those things are not really an issue, so the focus is more on keeping me semi-isolated and my world very small.

LOL, I don't have that problem...circumstances, responsibilities and health manage to keep me isolated. Though many here speak english, not speaking the language does limit a lot of interaction, information and contact and creates isolation without intention...thankfully I have always loved isolation so it isn't really restrictive, more a blessing most times.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

See my view is the same thing can be gotten by just asking a partner to just share what thet learned that day.And is it trust or just common sense to be good knowing can be monitered.

For us it is trust as he already knows me well enough to know that first I can't lie to save myself, and second I hate dishonesty as much as he does, and of course we both know what we have is not easily found. I think if you were at a point where trust was still being established, asking could seem enough but prove to be based on shifting sand with the wrong person. I like the idea of blindly trusting someone you think you may be forming a relationship with or falling in love with, but just reading this forum alone and seeing the number of people willing to or who are/have cheated on SO's proves that wanting or believing it is so does not always make it so.

Catalina

 

[Chicklet]

I've had vanilla relationships in which my boyfriend would want to check out every friend I had or met, and keep track of my internet conversations and emails and posts on lit. It was such a huge discomfort for me that it's something I mention to all the men I consider as PYLs.

It's a hard limit for me. I have slight panic attacks when my friends even sit down at my computer, let alone boyfriends. I don't know why it triggers such anxiety, but for me it's a HUGE NO.

No control over my friends. No restriction of contact with my friends. I get to decide who I hang out with and when, so long as he hasn't previously requested that time. But I think on the relationship level I mostly want something that people would consider vanilla.

Relationships in any sense are all about finding the person that has the same opinions about how the relationship ought to go, though, huh?

 

[HottieMama]

I've had vanilla relationships in which my boyfriend would want to check out every friend I had or met, and keep track of my internet conversations and emails and posts on lit. It was such a huge discomfort for me that it's something I mention to all the men I consider as PYLs.

It's a hard limit for me. I have slight panic attacks when my friends even sit down at my computer, let alone boyfriends. I don't know why it triggers such anxiety, but for me it's a HUGE NO.

No control over my friends. No restriction of contact with my friends. I get to decide who I hang out with and when, so long as he hasn't previously requested that time. But I think on the relationship level I mostly want something that people would consider vanilla.

Relationships in any sense are all about finding the person that has the same opinions about how the relationship ought to go, though, huh?

It triggers huge anxiety for me as well, so i completely understand this.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

For us it is trust as he already knows me well enough to know that first I can't lie to save myself, and second I hate dishonesty as much as he does, and of course we both know what we have is not easily found. I think if you were at a point where trust was still being established, asking could seem enough but prove to be based on shifting sand with the wrong person. I like the idea of blindly trusting someone you think you may be forming a relationship with or falling in love with, but just reading this forum alone and seeing the number of people willing to or who are/have cheated on SO's proves that wanting or believing it is so does not always make it so.

Catalina

I can see that it can work in a healthy relationship but what happens when the isolation isn't healthy. Just as having to loose a rein is dicey as you said, so is too tight a rein in wrong hands. I must say I am seeing things in different light. Not sure would be the monitering type but won't see as a totally bad thing either.

 

[His_pita]

He doesn't monitor me. We have complete access to each others computers and passwords and make it a practice to be open about what we are doing. He actually speaks with more people on the Internet than I do, and he always tells me about the conversations, and most of the time he CC's me his mails. I do the same for him. It keeps the questions away and the trust on each other where it should be.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I've had vanilla relationships in which my boyfriend would want to check out every friend I had or met, and keep track of my internet conversations and emails and posts on lit. It was such a huge discomfort for me that it's something I mention to all the men I consider as PYLs.

It's a hard limit for me. I have slight panic attacks when my friends even sit down at my computer, let alone boyfriends. I don't know why it triggers such anxiety, but for me it's a HUGE NO.

No control over my friends. No restriction of contact with my friends. I get to decide who I hang out with and when, so long as he hasn't previously requested that time. But I think on the relationship level I mostly want something that people would consider vanilla.

Relationships in any sense are all about finding the person that has the same opinions about how the relationship ought to go, though, huh?

My feelings have always been if I limited her contact with others or what sites she could go to was I making her a carbon copy of me. I enjoy a strong indepedent woman. And from the previous posts I know it is still possible. To me clothing choices or chastity belts are more arousing. Maybe I like the thought she has the ability to see whats out there but returns to me as she found what she needed so have no fears.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

He doesn't monitor me. We have complete access to each others computers and passwords and make it a practice to be open about what we are doing. He actually speaks with more people on the Internet than I do, and he always tells me about the conversations, and most of the time he CC's me his mails. I do the same for him. It keeps the questions away and the trust on each other where it should be.

I like the balance of that arrangement.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Good thing was off today as this is a really good discussion.

 

[ownedsubgal]

My feelings have always been if I limited her contact with others or what sites she could go to was I making her a carbon copy of me. I enjoy a strong indepedent woman. And from the previous posts I know it is still possible. To me clothing choices or chastity belts are more arousing. Maybe I like the thought she has the ability to see whats out there but returns to me as she found what she needed so have no fears.

Snooze, i'm curious as to why you feel you would be making a submissive a carbon copy of yourself by controlling her communication and/or contact with the outside world?

my Master is not trying to mold me into a Dominant or a mini-him, he's molding me into the ideal slave for him. contact with the outside world can severely hinder this (i.e. the slave who must take on a dominant role in the workplace then has to mentally "shift" back into slavemode when with Master), so he tightly controls it.