Does your dominant filter your outside contact?

[Snoozebutton2]

Snooze, i'm curious as to why you feel you would be making a submissive a carbon copy of yourself by controlling her communication and/or contact with the outside world?

my Master is not trying to mold me into a Dominant or a mini-him, he's molding me into the ideal slave for him. contact with the outside world can severely hinder this (i.e. the slave who must take on a dominant role in the workplace then has to mentally "shift" back into slavemode when with Master), so he tightly controls it.

Ok I'm saying for example if all the types of music you were allowed to hear were say country and blue grass you would gear your tastes to those styles. As you were never exposed to rock or blues or classical. By one person controlling what you learn about lifestyle are you truly getting the full experience? Don't get me wrong not saying there person would be a dom or a exact copy as we all process things in different ways. But just saying if only allowed to read certain chapters are you truly reading a book?

 

[serijules]

Ok I'm saying for example if all the types of music you were allowed to hear were say country and blue grass you would gear your tastes to those styles. As you were never exposed to rock or blues or classical. By one person controlling what you learn about lifestyle are you truly getting the full experience? Don't get me wrong not saying there person would be a dom or a exact copy as we all process things in different ways. But just saying if only allowed to read certain chapters are you truly reading a book?

I think you are missing the fact that the people that are heavily monitored are also in strict m/s relationships, and WANT to be. Part of what being enslaved is about, is being heavily controlled. That control has nothing to do with trust, has nothing to do with intelligence or strength. For ME (I can't answer for osg obviously), it doesn't matter if I'm getting the "full experience" of the lifestyle. I have little interest in the full experience of the lifestyle. I DO have interest and investment in my Owner and what pleases her and how I can best serve her. I want to be exposed to the full experience of that. The more she controls, the more I am experiencing her world and better learning to serve her.

It's not a matter of trust, it's a matter of control.

Ma'am monitors whatever she wishes to in my life. I see no reason to inform anyone of this, as I know Ma'am will respect anyone's privacy just the same as I would. I wouldn't be with her if she wouldn't. I'm with Netz...I always assume someone is going to tell someone else something I tell them in private. I base what I share on how much I trust that person to treat my privacy wisely. Expecting someone to 100% keep your "secrets" is unreasonable. It just isn't human nature.

 

[ecstaticsub]

So you are you allowed a outlet that lets you bounce your thoughts of your relationship privately?

I don't feel a need to do that privately. My Dom allows me to talk to others--Dom, sub, vanilla, male female--whoever I want about whatever I want. (there are some guideline of course--no cyber or phone sex etc) To be honest it did take me a little while to get comfortable discussing issues within our relationship with other people when I knew my Dom would be reading it. But again, I go used to it and it has truned out to be a wonderful communication tool.

I also am allowed to discuss things on forums like this one. He can read anything and everything I write if he wants. Usually he doesn't have the time, but that is beside the point.

The only time what I say is not monitored is during phone calls. The only time I talk about him though is with my sister. He doesn't require me to give him detail reports of those conversations.

 

[ownedsubgal]

I think you are missing the fact that the people that are heavily monitored are also in strict m/s relationships, and WANT to be. Part of what being enslaved is about, is being heavily controlled. That control has nothing to do with trust, has nothing to do with intelligence or strength. For ME (I can't answer for osg obviously), it doesn't matter if I'm getting the "full experience" of the lifestyle. I have little interest in the full experience of the lifestyle. I DO have interest and investment in my Owner and what pleases her and how I can best serve her. I want to be exposed to the full experience of that. The more she controls, the more I am experiencing her world and better learning to serve her.

It's not a matter of trust, it's a matter of control.

...change "her" to "him", and you have my thoughts exactly on this issue. He is my world. i have no interest in a world excluding him.

 

[BiBunny]

Speaking entirely hypothetically now, since I'm owner-less, unless I, too, had full access to his emails and IMs and whatnot (which I would have no desire to have), it would smack too much of that "Me Dom, you sub, I do what I want because I can" bullshit that pisses me off so much. My writings, of any sort, are always very personal and, therefore, very private to me. If I choose to share it with you, fine, but if you go ferret it out, I'm going to be hurt and pissed off. I can see how it would work for others, but I've always been very guarded about the things I put to paper.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

I have never had a dom who filtered my life in any way other than when we were in a scene for lack of a better word. I was just in an exclusive D/s relationship but there again no social filters other that no erotic contact with others.

Now my ex husband on the other hand nearly ruined my life with him jealousy and domineering ways. He is now history and still from what I hear kicks himself in the ass.

 

[HottieMama]

Now my ex husband on the other hand nearly ruined my life with him jealousy and domineering ways. He is now history and still from what I hear kicks himself in the ass.

i'm noticing a pattern that those of us that have had domineering/controlling/snooping 'nilla relationships have an issues with being 100% open at all times in our D/s relationships. Don't know what it means...but the pattern is there, it seems.

i have nothing to hide from my PYL, but i still cherish my privacy.

 

[skittles_lm]

My Domme has complete access to whatever she wants that is mine. She has all my passwords and usernames, can pick up my phone and browse recent calls and texts whenever she wants, she can call me and ask where i am and i'll tell her...

but she rarely if ever looks. sometimes she'll go thru my phone, but you can tell it's more boredom than even curiosity. *shrug* Hell, if anything interesting happens, i'm gonna tell her anyway, you know?

It's not about trust, it's about her knowing that I am hers. just because she has power over me doesn't mean she uses it. She and I both know she could moniter or even restrict me in all kinds of ways. I'm glad she doesn't. And if she did, I would adjust.

Hell, I like it when she randomly reads all my PMs. It's always amusing to hear her thoughts on wannabe Doms telling me to get on my knees or whatever.

Do those ever stop? Ever? I'd have thought that by now I'd be left alone!

LOL, interesting thread though. Thanks!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Ok I'm saying for example if all the types of music you were allowed to hear were say country and blue grass you would gear your tastes to those styles. As you were never exposed to rock or blues or classical. By one person controlling what you learn about lifestyle are you truly getting the full experience? Don't get me wrong not saying there person would be a dom or a exact copy as we all process things in different ways. But just saying if only allowed to read certain chapters are you truly reading a book?

I guess this comes down to what you are looking for. If you are in a relationship you maybe do not plan on being in forever, or have not decided if it is what you want etc., experiencing a range of things might be the way to go. For me, I knew what I was looking for, knew what the world was like, and made the choice to pursue a relationship whereby those needs were met. It is also part of why I was not interested in going through a series of relationships where I submitted as I felt it would only end up tainting my final submission and for me, minimising it a lot into something that could be had with any number of people as long as they were interested in me enough to share a relationship for a period of time...I didn't want that and didn't really need someone to put me through a variety of styles to find what it was I needed and wanted. I already knew.

Catalina

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I think you are missing the fact that the people that are heavily monitored are also in strict m/s relationships, and WANT to be. Part of what being enslaved is about, is being heavily controlled. That control has nothing to do with trust, has nothing to do with intelligence or strength. For ME (I can't answer for osg obviously), it doesn't matter if I'm getting the "full experience" of the lifestyle. I have little interest in the full experience of the lifestyle. I DO have interest and investment in my Owner and what pleases her and how I can best serve her. I want to be exposed to the full experience of that. The more she controls, the more I am experiencing her world and better learning to serve her.

It's not a matter of trust, it's a matter of control.

Ma'am monitors whatever she wishes to in my life. I see no reason to inform anyone of this, as I know Ma'am will respect anyone's privacy just the same as I would. I wouldn't be with her if she wouldn't. I'm with Netz...I always assume someone is going to tell someone else something I tell them in private. I base what I share on how much I trust that person to treat my privacy wisely. Expecting someone to 100% keep your "secrets" is unreasonable. It just isn't human nature.

OK since it seems to me that I am getting more M/s than D/s I will say that M/s is not what the original question involved. I did say submissive. But since going down this road will say again can see in a healthy relationship can see that total control can be bliss or hell depending on the person. As if a strong personality bends one to his or her will they can do damage. Just because you found a wonderful experience does not mean all will.

As to not informing someone that their thoughts shared are not private. That should be something they expect so have no issue. As you said if really want't it secret keep to yourself. The only way would see a problem. Is if was someone who didn't share background in lifestyle and didn't understand. But even then people have to know you share things with partners even if vanilla.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I don't feel a need to do that privately. My Dom allows me to talk to others--Dom, sub, vanilla, male female--whoever I want about whatever I want. (there are some guideline of course--no cyber or phone sex etc) To be honest it did take me a little while to get comfortable discussing issues within our relationship with other people when I knew my Dom would be reading it. But again, I go used to it and it has truned out to be a wonderful communication tool.

I also am allowed to discuss things on forums like this one. He can read anything and everything I write if he wants. Usually he doesn't have the time, but that is beside the point.

The only time what I say is not monitored is during phone calls. The only time I talk about him though is with my sister. He doesn't require me to give him detail reports of those conversations.

See that makes sense to me. There is knowlege of oversight and yet flexibility. I'm not saying have full censorship is wrong for all people. I just think sharing things with others privately isn't terrible either. As long as those you talk to are respectful and stay within whatever boundaries your master has set.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I guess this comes down to what you are looking for. If you are in a relationship you maybe do not plan on being in forever, or have not decided if it is what you want etc., experiencing a range of things might be the way to go. For me, I knew what I was looking for, knew what the world was like, and made the choice to pursue a relationship whereby those needs were met. It is also part of why I was not interested in going through a series of relationships where I submitted as I felt it would only end up tainting my final submission and for me, minimising it a lot into something that could be had with any number of people as long as they were interested in me enough to share a relationship for a period of time...I didn't want that and didn't really need someone to put me through a variety of styles to find what it was I needed and wanted. I already knew.

Catalina

I actually agree with you as you took the knowledge you knew of yourself and what you learned and sought what you needed. Unfortunately some come to the table woefully misinformed and think something is wrong with them if brand of lifestyle their first master gives them doesn't appeal to them. Those are the ones that need to be wary.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

My Domme has complete access to whatever she wants that is mine. She has all my passwords and usernames, can pick up my phone and browse recent calls and texts whenever she wants, she can call me and ask where i am and i'll tell her...

but she rarely if ever looks. sometimes she'll go thru my phone, but you can tell it's more boredom than even curiosity. *shrug* Hell, if anything interesting happens, i'm gonna tell her anyway, you know?

It's not about trust, it's about her knowing that I am hers. just because she has power over me doesn't mean she uses it. She and I both know she could moniter or even restrict me in all kinds of ways. I'm glad she doesn't. And if she did, I would adjust.

Hell, I like it when she randomly reads all my PMs. It's always amusing to hear her thoughts on wannabe Doms telling me to get on my knees or whatever.

Do those ever stop? Ever? I'd have thought that by now I'd be left alone!

LOL, interesting thread though. Thanks!

Well sounds like you grabbed or were grabbed by a good one lol. I have always said I never want to stop learning. I truly try to expand my understanding always. And thank you for sharing.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Speaking entirely hypothetically now, since I'm owner-less, unless I, too, had full access to his emails and IMs and whatnot (which I would have no desire to have), it would smack too much of that "Me Dom, you sub, I do what I want because I can" bullshit that pisses me off so much. My writings, of any sort, are always very personal and, therefore, very private to me. If I choose to share it with you, fine, but if you go ferret it out, I'm going to be hurt and pissed off. I can see how it would work for others, but I've always been very guarded about the things I put to paper.

I can see both sides of the spectrum now and glad you shared your thoughts. Maybe I'm a bit more absentee landlord type of dominant. I do have areas that beckon me to control. And may grow more controlling as continue on path. I have grown a lot since began thats for sure.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I have never had a dom who filtered my life in any way other than when we were in a scene for lack of a better word. I was just in an exclusive D/s relationship but there again no social filters other that no erotic contact with others.

Now my ex husband on the other hand nearly ruined my life with him jealousy and domineering ways. He is now history and still from what I hear kicks himself in the ass.

Your experiences in lifestyle mirror my own. As to your ex I am glad to see you emerged in stronger.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I am too busy to do that sort of thing. I dominate grown men. I am sure they can handle their own business. Anything thing I want to know I just ask.

 

[Netzach]

Yeah, rather than "filter" in my case it's "read." I don't really try and control content, beyond telling him where to go at times and read. It's more the "I can circumvent your sense of privacy if I want to" rather than "you KNOW I'm reading this"

 

[JupitersGirl]

For those that are monitored..do you inform everyone you talk to that you share everything that is said with your Dom? Because seriously, if i talked to someone and shared private shit with them and they went and told someone else...i would be hella pissed. If i knew beforehand, then i could monitor what i say.

At one time, my bdsm email and pm accounts were monitored. My dominant wanted to be the one to shape my progress and felt that, as his property, he had the right to limit my privacy in that regard. He also recognized that I responded well to strict control and used that method to flip my switch.

Everyone that I shared email with was informed at the first correspondence that he would have access. It never seemed to bother anyone that I could tell.

 

[serijules]

OK since it seems to me that I am getting more M/s than D/s I will say that M/s is not what the original question involved. I did say submissive. But since going down this road will say again can see in a healthy relationship can see that total control can be bliss or hell depending on the person. As if a strong personality bends one to his or her will they can do damage. Just because you found a wonderful experience does not mean all will

As always, use of any label on this board is not going to make your intent clear...some people say "submissive" when referring to any sort of bottom (I do at times), some say pyl, some say slave when they mean something else. So I didn't take your use of submissive to mean much of anything in particular, sorry.

I realize that just because I found a wonderful experience doesn't mean all will...I've been down the "not all will" road myself as well, which is why I could even RECOGNIZE this wonderful experience when I saw it.

It just seems to me that you are more so wanting to show why this level of filtering or control can be damaging rather than understanding why it works for those of it that it works for, so that feeling on my part is probably jading this thread for me.

You are asking a question regarding filtering and extreme control, neither of which you really tend to see other than small doses in "submissive" relationships. Are you really that surprised that most of the answers in favor of it are M/s?

Not picking a fight, just sayin.

 

[myinnerslut]

at an earlier point in our relationship, A would sometimes hop on lit and see what ive been talking about. he hasnt done that in a while, not his style (nor is checking my mail). he could if he wanted to, and sometimes i would like him too, but he more then likely wont. he said he wants to give me a place to talk without worrying about his reaction to what im saying and thus stifling my learning.

on the one hand i appreciate that he trusts me to not say the "wrong thing" and grants me privacy, on the other hand, i would like it if he checked every once in a while as a reminder that hes in control (disclaimer: im not saying hes not in control, he is and i know it, i dont NEED the reminder, but the reminder is still nice sometimes)

 

[Etoile]

I am obsessed with controlling information. One reason I prefer online communication is because I can monitor what I say, analyze it before I hit Send, etc. Even face to face I am always watching what I say, making sure that the person I am presenting through my words or actions is who I want it to be. I guess what I mean is that I am always conscious of what I am communicating to others, it's really an obsession, I constantly keep track of it.

My partners both know that I tell them everything they need to hear. I also cannot lie worth a damn, so if they want to know something, they ask - not because I'm a good little sub but because, well, I can't keep my mouth shut!

I am too tired to finish this post. Is bedtime.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

And I'm just saying thanks to owned sub gals post was learning. I don't see where I haven't said was not familar with other side. If you expect me to do a complete 180 degree turn yes you will be disappointed. As to understanding it has been said more than once and I even asked in initial question it's about control. So as was stated plainly to me and I haven't done before, I take those that haves word for it. I don't understand where I have been one sided as have been polite throughout. And maybe reading more into your responce that is there. So will state if offended any not my intention.

As always, use of any label on this board is not going to make your intent clear...some people say "submissive" when referring to any sort of bottom (I do at times), some say pyl, some say slave when they mean something else. So I didn't take your use of submissive to mean much of anything in particular, sorry.

I realize that just because I found a wonderful experience doesn't mean all will...I've been down the "not all will" road myself as well, which is why I could even RECOGNIZE this wonderful experience when I saw it.

It just seems to me that you are more so wanting to show why this level of filtering or control can be damaging rather than understanding why it works for those of it that it works for, so that feeling on my part is probably jading this thread for me.

You are asking a question regarding filtering and extreme control, neither of which you really tend to see other than small doses in "submissive" relationships. Are you really that surprised that most of the answers in favor of it are M/s?

Not picking a fight, just sayin.

 

[BiBunny]

I am too busy to do that sort of thing. I dominate grown men. I am sure they can handle their own business. Anything thing I want to know I just ask.

I like this.

 

[HottieMama]

I am too busy to do that sort of thing. I dominate grown men. I am sure they can handle their own business. Anything thing I want to know I just ask.

i like this as well.

i should also add that i have never had a PYL that didn't at least lurk on Lit, so all of my posts have always been up for discussion/viewing. (even when i didn't like it....or didn't want to discuss it. )

 

[Life_Noir]

I am too busy to do that sort of thing. I dominate grown men. I am sure they can handle their own business. Anything thing I want to know I just ask.

Indeed.. Ditto..Though, change "grown men" to "grown women"...
However... That comes from experience...And experience comes with a price {doesn't it always?}.
The other thing that I have garnered from experience is a low tolerance for some things..
Most Dom/mes know {or have a pretty good idea} if they can trust their pyl.
Whether they can believe what they say...

My unasked for two cents worth...

After years of experience {some of it quite bitter and expensive}, I have reached the point where, if I think I HAVE to monitor a pyl's communications... Then that is the point at which I will invite them to investigate the great world on the other side of my door.
Some see this as a touch draconian.. *shrug* So it is. I can live with that.
I see it as a bad case of "Been there, done that."
And I have no intention of doing it again.