Do You Lose Yourself in a Relationship?
- Thread starter juicylips
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Black_Bird
Not Innocent
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Yes.
Never again.
Never again.
Rambrat
Elusive
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juicylips said:Too consumed with the couple idea that you lose your individuality?
Your partners wants, needs and desires take precedence over yours?
Give too much of yourself and get nothing in return?
JL
yes
yes
and yes...
but I'd do it again for you....
(do I get points?)
KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
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Can't say as I ever have. It's that whole self thing, I'm really in tune with the self so much that I keep a good perspective on a relationship and the incipient infatuation with it.
That and I don't believe that love is an all encompassing force that chooses you whether you like it or not. It just is and it grows with trust and time.
I'm not romantic enough to be caught in that vicious notion of being in love with love.
Okay, okay, so I'm shallow. Eat me.
That and I don't believe that love is an all encompassing force that chooses you whether you like it or not. It just is and it grows with trust and time.
I'm not romantic enough to be caught in that vicious notion of being in love with love.
Okay, okay, so I'm shallow. Eat me.
freescorfr
Awaiting autumn harvests
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Yes JL. Learning very late in life. I didn't know better when I got married. "It's hard, you have to adjust," I was told.
So I adjusted to trying to make my wife happy, but it only papered over the cracks of her unhappiness instead of -as Dillinger keeps saying - allowing her to work it out for herself.
I now realise that the loving relationship is about accompanying another as they work out who they are, and being accompanied as as I work out my own identity. The couple who have each a life, a different life, with different viewpoints on somethings, shared values in many respects, and who share life-projects, put much in common and even, together, create life: that is a couple, if they care for the relationship who can grow together in life.
The fusional relationship is suffocating, and can lead to co-dependency and all the suffering which that entails.
This is why it is so wonderful when two people desire each other for what each other is - not what they would like them to be.
Wanting someone to be what you would like them to be rather than what they are is relational terrorism.
So I adjusted to trying to make my wife happy, but it only papered over the cracks of her unhappiness instead of -as Dillinger keeps saying - allowing her to work it out for herself.
I now realise that the loving relationship is about accompanying another as they work out who they are, and being accompanied as as I work out my own identity. The couple who have each a life, a different life, with different viewpoints on somethings, shared values in many respects, and who share life-projects, put much in common and even, together, create life: that is a couple, if they care for the relationship who can grow together in life.
The fusional relationship is suffocating, and can lead to co-dependency and all the suffering which that entails.
This is why it is so wonderful when two people desire each other for what each other is - not what they would like them to be.
Wanting someone to be what you would like them to be rather than what they are is relational terrorism.
freescorfr said:
But do you think we ever see each other the way they really are? Oft times we are surprised by someone's actions or words even when we think we really know them.
I understand what you are saying. Our expectations shouldn't exceed what they are. Right?
JL
freescorfr
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juicylips said:
But do you think we ever see each other the way they really are? Oft times we are surprised by someone's actions or words even when we think we really know them.
I understand what you are saying. Our expectations shouldn't exceed what they are. Right?
JL
If I, for example, phone my lover and say very positive things and receive, in return a reproach, I can accept that, with the reproach, my lover is speaking about herself, her discontent. So I can acknowledge that she is, at present, unhappy. It is possible to listen to what she is feeling, to let her know that I understand that she is feeling as she does.
If, however, I have the expectation that her response will be nice and affirming of me, I give her no space to be how she is and we're all set for a fuck-up in communication.
So what I'm saying is that any expectations are terrorism to the relationship, but being open and welcoming to who and what and where the other person is, is always healthy, but not always what we want - and frequently, as you say JL, full of surprises.
I'm sure you're not always predictable, JL.
greybeard
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there was a time..............
I too misunderstood.........but over time it has become so clear to me........the need to share, not to change or direct, but to share all that we are, in all the ways that we can............
perfectly said, freescorfr.........
greybeard
I too misunderstood.........but over time it has become so clear to me........the need to share, not to change or direct, but to share all that we are, in all the ways that we can............
perfectly said, freescorfr.........
greybeard
Calamity Jane
Reverend Blue Jeans
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How easy it would be if we only lost ourselves. What's lost can always be found again. I've dismantled, squashed, nearly pulverized my self in the name of maintaining a relationship. Fortunately, even after all that, my self can be (and is being) rebuilt, perhaps stronger and better than before.
pagancowgirl said:
I have met women who have went through the most horrendous circumstances rebuild and become much stronger later in their lives. They are often surprised that they were able to do so. Especially after being in an abusive relationship whether it had been mental or physical. We women are so much more resilient than we think. Stronger than we have been led to believe.
Take care, PCG
JL
MorgaineLaFay
goodirishgirl
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Too consumed with the couple idea that you lose your individuality? No...
Your partners wants, needs and desires take precedence over yours? Always...
Give too much of yourself and get nothing in return?
Again....always..It's a pattern I am breaking. I worry for the next person I let get close to me.
Your partners wants, needs and desires take precedence over yours? Always...
Give too much of yourself and get nothing in return?
Again....always..It's a pattern I am breaking. I worry for the next person I let get close to me.
Rambling Rose
My Aim Is True
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freescorfr said:
The jury is still out on this one.
Reverie
Literotica Guru
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I read somewhere that in most relationships there is one person who loves more deeply or openly then the other. IN every relationship I've had that's been me. I seem to attract emotional vampires,guys always very needy of attention but giving little back in return.
I hope to someday learn a healthier, more moderate approach to loving.
I hope to someday learn a healthier, more moderate approach to loving.
JennyOmanHill
trying hard to be mindful
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juicylips said:Too consumed with the couple idea that you lose your individuality?
The "couple idea" is actually a new concept for me! I'm an only child and have been single my entire life. Growing up in a house of adults, then living on my own, has given me an independence I have always appreciated.
However, there were times when things got really bad that I would isolate myself even more, thinking that I didn't want to either interfere with other's lives, or be a burden to them with my problems.
Now I am part of a "couple". It's a surprising adjustment for me, as I hadn't realized how selfish and isolated I had become. All my major problems and decisions are now shared with a most loving, generous and caring man. He provides me with an insight that allows me to make my own choices while sharing my confusions and uncertainty. He is open as well with me, and this sharing has been the lifeline for me through the roughness both our roads have taken as of late.
I still feel like an individual since I need to make MY own decisions. I'm very fortunate that he allows me to be "myself", and he's there for me even if I disagree with him. So although I consider myself part of a "couple", I'm still a unique individual.
Your partners wants, needs and desires take precedence over yours?
I decide when to put his "wants, needs and desires" ahead of mine. The decision IS always mine, and he actually encourages me to put "myself" first.
Give too much of yourself and get nothing in return?
I don't believe this is "measured" in my relationship. We each hold a lot of respect for each other, and it hasn't appeared that one of us gives more of ourself than the other.
JL
BustyTheClown
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juicylips said:I have met women who have went through the most horrendous circumstances rebuild and become much stronger later in their lives. They are often surprised that they were able to do so. Especially after being in an abusive relationship whether it had been mental or physical. We women are so much more resilient than we think. Stronger than we have been led to believe.
Take care, PCG
JL
I totally (hehe almost put titally... Freudian slip?) agree with you, JL. I was in a "relationship" when I was 15 that I didn't even know was one until very recently. I thought I was gay, he was homophobic, and although I *thought* I had a strong sense of self, he somehow manipulated me in terrible, psychological ways in order to make me into who he wanted me to be. In the end, I was only the shell of the girl I was before. It took me a year and a half to rebuild my self-assurance, self-confidence, self-esteem... well, my whole self, really. After I had finally become whole again, I was stronger than ever and prepared for a lot more from life than I had been before.
I find it terrible that women have gone, are going, and will go through much *much* harder trials than I have. I consider myself lucky that I got off so easy, and my heart goes out to the women who deal with men who are even more abusive than the young man I knew was.
I am SO thankful to have a man in my life like Jenny described, one who wants me for me, who encourages me to put my needs first (before I consider putting his before mine, I mean), who helps me grow while I help him as well. It is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and I'm the happiest I've ever been. For those of you that share such experiences, then I am equally happy for you! For those of you still looking, then best of luck to you -- keep your eyes peeled and it'll come along.
enjoyingitall
~Smiling~
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I agree with Ebony Fire. I've found myself in my relationship. For the first time, I am truly ME, with all the faults and flaws, all the good and the not so good. He has helped me understand that I don't always have to be the rock for someone else. I've laughed and cried and loved more in the last two years than I did in the first 40 years of my I life. I've reached a place this time that enables me to say, "what can we do for each other, not just what can I do for you."
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