Do you have sex to feel loved?

[LadyJeanne]

I was reading one of the stories in the How To category on Lit, and the author said something I thought was interesting. Her view is that men have sex to feel loved and women have sex because they feel loved in their relationship.

I don't disagree, though I probably wouldn't have put it that way, and I'm curious as to what others might think. My view is that both men and women have sex for the physcial gratification, and, if in a relationship, to express love for each other. Beyond that, I think women also have sex to feel loved, and might not have sex if they don't feel loved. I don't really know the man's point of view.

Do men have sex to feel loved? Do men feel loved if they have sex? Do women have sex because they feel loved? Do women feel loved if they have sex?

 

[EJFan]

I was reading one of the stories in the How To category on Lit, and the author said something I thought was interesting. Her view is that men have sex to feel loved and women have sex because they feel loved in their relationship.

I don't disagree, though I probably wouldn't have put it that way, and I'm curious as to what others might think. My view is that both men and women have sex for the physcial gratification, and, if in a relationship, to express love for each other. Beyond that, I think women also have sex to feel loved, and might not have sex if they don't feel loved. I don't really know the man's point of view.

Do men have sex to feel loved? Do men feel loved if they have sex? Do women have sex because they feel loved? Do women feel loved if they have sex?

ok... i've thought and rethought this three times and i'm sick of typing my response over and over. it's not as easy as i thought it'd be, so work with me.

i think you're right about people having sex to reinforce the love they share as well as for the phyiscal gratification. i'm not sure that there's any real distinction that can be placed on it based on gender. i think every individual is different.

i know men and women who have sex for love, to reinforce love, to show love, for physical gratification, out of boredom, courtesy of stupidity or for any number of reasons. in fact, i suspect that there are more reasons FOR having sex than there are reasons to opt NOT to have sex.

if i were to try to make a generalization, i don't think it would be based on gender. i think it would be based on whether a person is in a relationship or not. that's where the thinking (if there is any) exists.

 

[silverwhisper]

bingo: i think more is made of this "war of the sexes" than is warranted, personally.

ed

 

[LadyJeanne]

ok... i've thought and rethought this three times and i'm sick of typing my response over and over. it's not as easy as i thought it'd be, so work with me.

It is more complicated than it first appears!

So many variables. I guess the part I'm curious about is whether men have sex to feel loved, and whether they feel loved when they have sex.

I've always heard men compartmentalize sex and love, meaning one doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the other.

 

[EJFan]

So many variables. I guess the part I'm curious about is whether men have sex to feel loved, and whether they feel loved when they have sex.

I've always heard men compartmentalize sex and love, meaning one doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the other.

well... speaking for myself... i feel loved when i have sex, i don't have sex to feel loved. this feeling only really came about after i had sex while i was IN LOVE. until that point, i never really knew what being "in love" was like and didn't apprecaite sex for what it is (or can be) at its core.

i can objectively compartmentalize sex and love still... but it's a one way street... i can have love before sex, but not sex before love.

still. i think women can make the distinction as well. whatever the gender, i think that having sex to feel loved can be indicative of something more emotionally significant going on beneath the surface. sex for any (legal) reason OTHER than to feel loved is more or less acceptable. sex to feel loved may mean something's not quite right.

 

[Eilan]

Good topic!

I'm trying to think of how to respond to this thread, and I know what I want to say, but I'm having some trouble putting it into words. Therefore, if I don't make any sense or don't actually answer the question, please accept my apologies in advance.

My husband and I have several ways that we express our love for each other, and sex is just one of those ways. If we don't have sex on a given day, it doesn't mean that we love each other any less. For us, it just means that, for whatever reason, we didn't have sex that day. No more, no less.

I've always heard men compartmentalize sex and love, meaning one doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the other.

I think that some men do, but I don't think it's true of all men. When my ex and I went through our mandatory premarital counseling (he's a now-lapsed Catholic) the priest told us that all men separate sex and love and all women can't. FWIW, both my ex and my hubby seem, by their own admission, to have difficulty doing so.

I, on the other hand, have separated love and sex, and while I can do it, it's not something that I particularly care for or actively seek. The first time that my husband and I had sex, I didn't love him, but I liked him a lot and I knew him well enough to determine that the potential for love was there.

sex to feel loved may mean something's not quite right.

I heard it said about one of the popular girls in my high school that if a guy wanted to get in her pants, all he had to do was tell her that he loved her. That's sad, but what's even sadder is that she was so pretty and smart and charismatic that she shouldn't have needed to have sex to feel loved or worthy.

 

[Munachi]

not having sex to feel loved, but i think yes, sex can influence if you feel cared for, attractive to the other, maybe even love. or rather, lack of sex can feel that you feel not loved - even if rationally you might now it is just the other person's lower sex drive, it can still be very frustrating.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I heard it said about one of the popular girls in my high school that if a guy wanted to get in her pants, all he had to do was tell her that he loved her. That's sad, but what's even sadder is that she was so pretty and smart and charismatic that she shouldn't have needed to have sex to feel loved or worthy.

Do you think she did that to feel loved, or to feel accepted? Maybe both. This is a real danger with younger and younger girls these days - they do it for social reasons, to be popular or for approval.

 

[LadyJeanne]

not having sex to feel loved, but i think yes, sex can influence if you feel cared for, attractive to the other, maybe even love. or rather, lack of sex can feel that you feel not loved - even if rationally you might now it is just the other person's lower sex drive, it can still be very frustrating.

What if love were being expressed in other ways? Would the lack of sex still influence whether you felt loved/cared for/attractive?

 

[Eilan]

Do you think she did that to feel loved, or to feel accepted? Maybe both. This is a real danger with younger and younger girls these days - they do it for social reasons, to be popular or for approval.

I'd say it was probably a bit of both, and, sadly, it started in the seventh grade (and she wasn't the first in my class to have sex).

I recall that there were some family-related issues. Both of her parents worked odd shifts, so I doubt if she were supervised a lot, even if they were home. Based on what I know of her father, he had a tendency to be emotionally abusive (at the very least).

 

[Halo_n_horns]

I can think of only one time that I had sex to feel loved. All the rest have been for her, for me, or for both of us for a multitude of reasons. "To feel loved" has more often been her necessity than mine, though.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I can think of only one time that I had sex to feel loved. All the rest have been for her, for me, or for both of us for a multitude of reasons. "To feel loved" has more often been her necessity than mine, though.

Ok, even if you don't have sex specifically to feel loved, do you feel loved when you have sex with your wife?

 

[LadyJeanne]

I'd say it was probably a bit of both, and, sadly, it started in the seventh grade (and she wasn't the first in my class to have sex).

I recall that there were some family-related issues. Both of her parents worked odd shifts, so I doubt if she were supervised a lot, even if they were home. Based on what I know of her father, he had a tendency to be emotionally abusive (at the very least).

Ah, attention. Another big need.

 

[yoshimitsu]

I spoon to feel loved.
I have sex because my penis tells me too.
I love to spoon.

 

[pleasteasme]

I think there are many levels of "love" and that sex doesn't necessarily need to be a part of some of those levels.

*just to clarify....I am speaking about two consenting, non-related adults*

I think sex can reinforce love between a couple. It is an act of love sometimes......at other times....an act of lust. I truly think that sex between a loving couple is a great thing and that a healthy sex life keeps marriages strong....emotionally and physically.

 

[Munachi]

What if love were being expressed in other ways? Would the lack of sex still influence whether you felt loved/cared for/attractive?

i might feel loved, though not loved in the way i want to be loved. i would feel he is not attracted to me in the way he should be, i.e. sexually... so i guess it is not so much not feeling loved, more not feeling that i am attractive to him. but also, i might feel like i am not taken serious in my needs, and that might make me feel not loved... don't know, it depends.

 

[M's girl]

Sex without love is just that: sex.

I have been thinking about this question often and it seems hard to put into right words, like Eilan said, what it feels like exactly...

I know I can have sex without being deeply in love with someone. Because I have slept with men in the past who I had only just met. The sex is then more about the attraction and maybe being horny at such times. Funny thing is though, that this happened several times with me but in only one occasion the sex did NOT lead to a long-term-relationship directly afterwards... So I guess it might seem as if I'm sort of easy.... maybe.... but I think I have 'scanned' my partner better than I even realize myself at the time.

So I can have sex without the "real love", no? But I need to have a serious crush on someone first. And I'm very faithful by nature so I won't fall in love with someone else or experience a serious crush on someone else while I'm in a relationship. This means, for me, that I will only have sex with the person I'm in the relationship with.

For me to enjoy sex in that relationship, things outside the bedroom need to be balanced first. I need to feel loved and cherished and appreciated. I need to feel my partner and I are equals in the relationship and that he puts as much effort in it as I do. I also need to feel and see he is as committed to our relationship as I am. Only then will and can I have sex and enjoy it.

But I don't always initiate sex because I feel a need to feel loved. Sometimes I'm just horny as hell. At other times I need to make love for the love of it. I just need to feel the closeness and intimacy and all. For me this balance is like 60/40 I think (60% lovemaking / 40% just being horny and get that out of the way) while I think for M it's more like 30/70.... We are getting better and better at reaching the 50/50 stage which will work best for both of us But this is more about the way we make love with and to each other I guess... We do know we love each other outside the bedroom first and that's most important...

 

[Guest]

 

[phoenix1224]

I was reading one of the stories in the How To category on Lit, and the author said something I thought was interesting. Her view is that men have sex to feel loved and women have sex because they feel loved in their relationship.

I don't disagree, though I probably wouldn't have put it that way, and I'm curious as to what others might think. My view is that both men and women have sex for the physcial gratification, and, if in a relationship, to express love for each other. Beyond that, I think women also have sex to feel loved, and might not have sex if they don't feel loved. I don't really know the man's point of view.

Do men have sex to feel loved? Do men feel loved if they have sex? Do women have sex because they feel loved? Do women feel loved if they have sex?

I was listening to "Love Line" a couple of years back and Dr. Drew said something very similar... He said that (typically) a woman will have sex with a man when she already feels completely emotionally connected to him, but a man will not feel completely emotionally connected to a woman until after he has had sex with her.*

I thought about it and I realized that I, myself, feel much more connected to a woman after I've had sex with her than I did before we had sex.




*Note: With the change in society's attitudes towards sex/intimacy/love/etc., this statement is becoming less and less true.

 

[LadyJeanne]

My wife and I have been together for 25 years, married for 21. I definately feel loved when we have sex.

I find this very heartening. I always associated love and sex, sex and love, in one way or another. In a committed relationship, I would expect to feel loved during sex - the caresses, the sounds, eye contact, hugs, the intimacy... I expect it, and I hope my partner feels that coming from me. Sex is one way to BE loving towards your lover.

Or something like that. This issue is oddly difficult to pin down.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I was listening to "Love Line" a couple of years back and Dr. Drew said something very similar... He said that (typically) a woman will have sex with a man when she already feels completely emotionally connected to him, but a man will not feel completely emotionally connected to a woman until after he has had sex with her.*

I thought about it and I realized that I, myself, feel much more connected to a woman after I've had sex with her than I did before we had sex.


*Note: With the change in societies attitudes towards sex/intimacy/love/etc., this statement is becoming less and less true.

Your Note says something very important. I rebelled at my parents being strict about dating and stuff in high school, but they did manage to convey that sex wasn't just a recreational activity. It can be, for consenting adults, but having sex with someone wasn't the same thing as going to a movie and meant more than getting off. I think it's easier for that message to get lost, which leaves us with a skewed view of what sex is and can be between lovers.

 

[LadyJeanne]

For me to enjoy sex in that relationship, things outside the bedroom need to be balanced first. I need to feel loved and cherished and appreciated. I need to feel my partner and I are equals in the relationship and that he puts as much effort in it as I do. I also need to feel and see he is as committed to our relationship as I am. Only then will and can I have sex and enjoy it.

But I don't always initiate sex because I feel a need to feel loved. Sometimes I'm just horny as hell. At other times I need to make love for the love of it. I just need to feel the closeness and intimacy and all. For me this balance is like 60/40 I think (60% lovemaking / 40% just being horny and get that out of the way) while I think for M it's more like 30/70.... We are getting better and better at reaching the 50/50 stage which will work best for both of us But this is more about the way we make love with and to each other I guess... We do know we love each other outside the bedroom first and that's most important...

We need to put this on a sticky or something for whenever some guy wants to find out how to make his wife want more sex. Great sex has way more to do with what's going on outside the bedroom than maybe some people realize.

 

[Eilan]

For me to enjoy sex in that relationship, things outside the bedroom need to be balanced first. I need to feel loved and cherished and appreciated. I need to feel my partner and I are equals in the relationship and that he puts as much effort in it as I do. I also need to feel and see he is as committed to our relationship as I am. Only then will and can I have sex and enjoy it.

Very well put. I, too, feel this way.

We need to put this on a sticky or something for whenever some guy wants to find out how to make his wife want more sex. Great sex has way more to do with what's going on outside the bedroom than maybe some people realize.

Oh, absolutely. Only after the collapse of my first marriage was I truly able to understand that a lot of things that went on outside of the bedroom impacted how my ex and related in the bedroom. It's difficult, though, for some people to realize this when the lack of sex is a here-and-now issue for them.

When someone starts an "I'm-not-gettin'-any" thread, I'd love to hear the spouse's side of the story. I'm not calling any of the thread starters liars, but I think we'd certainly get a different perspective.

 

[EJFan]

I was listening to "Love Line" a couple of years back and Dr. Drew said something very similar... He said that (typically) a woman will have sex with a man when she already feels completely emotionally connected to him, but a man will not feel completely emotionally connected to a woman until after he has had sex with her.*

this reminded me of something...

one girl i dated for a while in college thought it was odd that i had to feel an emotional bond with her before i'd sleep with her... i remember we had a whole protracted discussion about it because she just couldn't get a handle on why i felt that way.

just to illustrate that either i'm atypical or it CAN go the other way.

 

[Eilan]

just to illustrate that either i'm atypical or it CAN go the other way.

I don't think you're atypical. Unless the two men that I've been married to are also atypical.