Divorced/Separated Support Thread.

[Moanique]

Thank you. I am a single Mother living in one of the most expensive areas in the DC area. I've lost my job during this divorce (and then found a new one and moved here), I dated a guy who failed in me in so many realms, and then dated another one that I caught cheating on me.

I still go to work. My supervisor and my Mother both tell me they don't know how I do it.
Yet, I press on. Lately I've cried a bit because my alimony has never materialized, and all my child support goes straight to my son's tuition since we moved to a higher cost of living area (and actually closer to my ex so he could have more of a life with our son). Money is scarce right now. I had to re-outfit myself because I work in a professional field, and I didn't need to be so dressy in my last job.

Actually, I'm in a good place mentally and emotionally. It's just financially right now is killing me.
Maybe I grieved the end of the relationship properly? I don't know.
I keep hoping someday that my exhusband will understand that we need to work as a team for our son's benefit. But, so far, that's just an unrealistic hope. LOL

When asked how I do it - I just say that I take each minute as it comes to me and that's all I can do. In the morning, I'm more concerned about getting to work, fighting with my tired son and dealing with the traffic, than not making it to work.

I am a phenominal woman. I've overcome PTSD and I've overcome a back problem that left me where I couldn't walk at one time. This is just another twist in life's journey.

M.

This may sound strange but crying is good. I really believe deep down that when the shit hits the fan and tears well up, it's your body, mind and soul trying to get rid of some of the toxic shit that's hurting you.
After a good cry, you feel empty and relieved, it's easier to think clearly.
So you might not want to cry in the open, but when you're safe and have either privacy or a trusted shoulder to cry on, go for it:
You don't deserve the poison so get rid of it and let it out.
Same thing with anger: fuck manners.
Give yourself the gift of clarity through allowing healthy release.
Those fucks who've screwed you over should be dealt with, with an icy clear and cold head.
You do that, and it may take a longer time than you anticipated but in the end... you will this through living well. Materially and otherwise.
One thing I do know is that when you're fighting just to make ends meet, you need to get coldly calculating and practical.
So fuck anyone who has a problem with it and do what is best for you and your child.

 

[bholderman]

Fuck, the evening and morning after finding out about my wife was devastating. Didnt sleep, fell to pieces. I couldnt talk, my wife actually made the call to Kaiser to get me into an urgernt counseling center. They immediately had me take the week off from work. For a good 3 weeks, I couldnt function at all.

In fact, its been 2 months and I just had the first weekend where I could talk to my wife and start the first steps to acting like adults if anything without me turning to jelly.

I have however, appreciated the amount of weight Ive lost.

I cannot imagine the level of pain you are all going through. One thing I do know is that in your shoes, I would not be able to function and get through the day. You are all amazingly strong, even if it doesn't feel that way everyday. So when you feel you're crumbling, please remember that if your exes felt a 10th of what you're feeling, they'd be trembling under a blanket calling their mothers.
But you manage to go on, wounds and all.
Hurting a mate is for cowards. In terms inner strength and dignity, you all are giants. And it's really not your fault if your exes chose to act as mindless troglodytes. They will never evolve. But you already have. Kudos to all of you.

 

[Moanique]

Fuck, the evening and morning after finding out about my wife was devastating. Didnt sleep, fell to pieces. I couldnt talk, my wife actually made the call to Kaiser to get me into an urgernt counseling center. They immediately had me take the week off from work. For a good 3 weeks, I couldnt function at all.

In fact, its been 2 months and I just had the first weekend where I could talk to my wife and start the first steps to acting like adults if anything without me turning to jelly.

I have however, appreciated the amount of weight Ive lost.

You are human, that's all. Vulnerable. Hurt. Weak. Then one day, you'll look back and consider all you've accomplished and healed from, realise you have survived and moved on.
That'll be the emotional hard on of your life.
In the mean time, you need a big smoochie cyber hug.

 

[pleasantville]

I have been divorxec now for 5 and half years. I was devastated at first. Evveryone we knew was shocked. They all thought after 13 years we had a great marriage. So did I. You should never ask your wife a questions in less yu want to know the answer. After a fight I asked if she still loved me. When she said no and that she wanted a divorce I was shocked. Anyhow after breaking doen and talking to profesiionals, I have been on anti anxiety medication for 5 years. I have learned a lot about myslef, I have dedicated to being the best Dad ever for my 3 daughters. I have dated but not ready for anything serious. I know I am a stronger better person now. It does get lonely but I get through ir. Best of luck to you. If you want to "talk" write to me. I can honestly say no ulterior motives just like to chat.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think one of the things a lot of people don't realise is that even when someone is happy to be out of a relationship, actually wants the divorce, there is usually a grieving process which happens and usually catches you quite unaware with its arrival and depth. It seems so stupid, but then so do many of the emotional roller coasters we ride throughout our life, but for all their illogicality, they are very real.

Catalina

 

[Kajira Callista]

I think one of the things a lot of people don't realise is that even when someone is happy to be out of a relationship, actually wants the divorce, there is usually a grieving process which happens and usually catches you quite unaware with its arrival and depth. It seems so stupid, but then so do many of the emotional roller coasters we ride throughout our life, but for all their illogicality, they are very real.

Catalina

i read somplace recently that the grief you feel from a divorce is the same as if your spouse died. Im begining to see how that could be true.

 

[catalina_francisco]

i read somplace recently that the grief you feel from a divorce is the same as if your spouse died. Im begining to see how that could be true.

Yep, and in part they have in that the dream of what would be has died...it is hard to shift from the dream to the sad reality it has all become.

Catalina

 

[Kajira Callista]

Yep, and in part they have in that the dream of what would be has died...it is hard to shift from the dream to the sad reality it has all become.

Catalina

nods knowingly

 

[FurryFury]

This may sound strange but crying is good. I really believe deep down that when the shit hits the fan and tears well up, it's your body, mind and soul trying to get rid of some of the toxic shit that's hurting you.
After a good cry, you feel empty and relieved, it's easier to think clearly.
So you might not want to cry in the open, but when you're safe and have either privacy or a trusted shoulder to cry on, go for it:
You don't deserve the poison so get rid of it and let it out.
Same thing with anger: fuck manners.
Give yourself the gift of clarity through allowing healthy release.
Those fucks who've screwed you over should be dealt with, with an icy clear and cold head.
You do that, and it may take a longer time than you anticipated but in the end... you will this through living well. Materially and otherwise.
One thing I do know is that when you're fighting just to make ends meet, you need to get coldly calculating and practical.
So fuck anyone who has a problem with it and do what is best for you and your child.

GREAT post!

I totally agree!



Take the advice in it, because it's so true!

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I agree as well.


However sad, mad, pissed off, dissapointed, unhappy, helpless and hurt I feel theres only one thing I want right now and thats forget all of this as soon as possible and move on.

I dont wanna any more probs with my ex, actualy I dont wanna have anything to do with him anymore. I will give him his damn 2500,- he wants, fuck the 12.000,- he owes to me. I dont wanna anything from him and dont expect anything from him either, I just wanna have damn peace finaly. The less me and him will meet the better cuz eventho he's all happy now I am still not over him, so I don't wanna talk/meet/see him at all right now. I tryed, I failed and I quit.

I love this song, it says so much of whats on my mind right now...

If love was a bird
Then we wouldn't have wings
If love was a sky
We'd be blue
If love was a choir
You and i could never sing
Cause love isn't for me and you

If love was an oscar
You and i could never win
Cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible
Then we are lost in sin
Because its not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way
And i'll go mine
Live your life, and i'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and i'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

If love was a fire
Then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light
Then we're lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport
We're not on the same team
You and i are destined to lose
If love was an ocean
Then we are just a stream
Cause love isn't for me and you

So why don't you go your way
And i'll go mine
Live your life, and i'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and i'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Girl i know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl you know i love you, i can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and i
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So i'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way
And i'll go mine
Live your life, and i'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and i'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

I'm sorry we didn't make it...​

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Bar tender.. I'll buy the house a round..

 

[the captians wench]

I think one of the things a lot of people don't realise is that even when someone is happy to be out of a relationship, actually wants the divorce, there is usually a grieving process which happens and usually catches you quite unaware with its arrival and depth. It seems so stupid, but then so do many of the emotional roller coasters we ride throughout our life, but for all their illogicality, they are very real.

Catalina

This comes up in differnt stages for me.

It's been a little more than 2 years since my ex and I called it quits, but we have nothing leagal at this point. We are not even legally seperated. I only got the apt in just my name here in June.

I refuse to pay for the devorse. He wanted out of the marrage, he saught his out in the arms of another woman, and when that didn't work he started into some emotional abuse which when that started to lead into physical abuse I got out. Right now his union dues pay for my insurance, which is good as long as we are married. So I see no reason for me to pay for it. He on the other hand is really feeling the effects of us still being tied together by a piece of paper.

It's weird, I some times forget that I'm married. When some one asks if I'm single it's "yes...well um...no...not legally". It's hard for me to even imagine that I was married some times. That time just doesn't seem real to me.

It's funny tho, when I got married I knew exactly what I wanted out of life, I knew what the next 10 years was going to be like. I had goals and plans and dreams and lay outs for achiving those goals and dreams. Now everything seems so up in the air, everything I was sure I wanted, I'm not so sure about any more.

I did feel a bit of depression when he called me a couple of months ago and said that he was ready to start the papers. That was weird, and unexpected, but only lasted a day or so. He on the other hand is taking it very hard lately. Makes me worry about him.

All of our property is split, all our assets devided, no kids involved, this is a pretty clean cut devorce. *shrug*

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I gotta ask my ex this qustion: "so tell me... what's it like not to feel anything?"

 

[coy_one]

I gotta ask my ex this qustion: "so tell me... what's it like not to feel anything?"

I've many times wondered that myself.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I've many times wondered that myself.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[catalina_francisco]

It's funny tho, when I got married I knew exactly what I wanted out of life, I knew what the next 10 years was going to be like. I had goals and plans and dreams and lay outs for achiving those goals and dreams. Now everything seems so up in the air, everything I was sure I wanted, I'm not so sure about any more.

Just one of the reasons I sometimes mantion on this forum that people may find their views, needs, etc., have changed in another 10 to 20 years and more, though many take it as being offensive. It isn't meant to be offensive, but my experience of life and those living it is if you really do have a life at all, many things change over the years, many views you once had can become quite the opposite, and things you once wanted/needed seem of little importance anymore. It does keep things interesting.

I did feel a bit of depression when he called me a couple of months ago and said that he was ready to start the papers. That was weird, and unexpected, but only lasted a day or so. He on the other hand is taking it very hard lately. Makes me worry about him.

All of our property is split, all our assets devided, no kids involved, this is a pretty clean cut devorce. *shrug*

Even clean cut ones can leave an after effect. Your feeling slightly depressed is part of it, but for me when I got home from court that day I just crumbled. I had left in high spirits, feeling like my life was just about to begin, and I didn't want him back nor did he have anyone else I was aware of, and yet it still felt like I had been hit by an emotional sledgehammer...maybe it hit a little harder because not only did I have to go it alone (my family were noticeably silent about offering to be there for support on that day), and he didn't even bother making an appearance in the court son it was sort of a lonely anti-climax I guess. But I survived.

Catalina

 

[minx1]

Even clean cut ones can leave an after effect. Your feeling slightly depressed is part of it, but for me when I got home from court that day I just crumbled. I had left in high spirits, feeling like my life was just about to begin, and I didn't want him back nor did he have anyone else I was aware of, and yet it still felt like I had been hit by an emotional sledgehammer...maybe it hit a little harder because not only did I have to go it alone (my family were noticeably silent about offering to be there for support on that day), and he didn't even bother making an appearance in the court son it was sort of a lonely anti-climax I guess. But I survived.

Catalina

*nods* I think I went through times where out of the blue it would hit me really badly and I would think 'why? why would you do this to me?'
Yes it was the distress that someone I had planned to live my life with had other ideas, but moreso the utter disbelief that someone I thought I knew inside out, loved and admired was so far removed from the person i thought they were. I couldn't have been more wrong. Its strange the things that upset you the most...it wasn't his string of affairs, the appalling way he treated me in the last few months of our marriage or the woman he was involved with at that time. I am quite philosophical about that. To me, its just life...people fall in and out of love. Its how they decide to deal with that that is key.

The fact I had got it so wrong, made me question myself. I had always been a decent judge of character or so I thought and yet I had been so wrong with my own husband. That completely knocked my confidence.

And I guess thats what I mean when I talk about the legacy I am left with...I've lost the ability to accept things at face value....not completely but not as easily as I used to. Trusting someone is hard and I often find myself asking for constant reassurance.
Even with my Master, there are times when he goes to leave and I ask him if he will be coming back or if he still wants me.

But and its a big but, its not all doom and gloom. I am much happier than I was when I was married. Even during the times when I slept on friends floors and lived out of plastic bags! *laugh*

I am not bitter at all. If I saw him and his partner tomorrow I would even acknowledge them. Life is way too short for me to spend it screwed up and resentful. Besides I am in a good place...a better place than I was then and I am sure that i will start to regain the confidence I lost.

 

[bholderman]

And I guess thats what I mean when I talk about the legacy I am left with...I've lost the ability to accept things at face value....not completely but not as easily as I used to. Trusting someone is hard and I often find myself asking for constant reassurance.

Even if my marriage survives, this is one of the crucial aspects for me. In some of my readings, they discuss the myth that marriage creates two into one when in reality you still continue to be two separate people with ideas, thoughts, etc.

I always had good faith in almost everyone I met in my life. In fact, I never recall truly hating anyone. Thats all changed. I hate the person that came into my house as a friend wearing sheeps clothing, was over-the-top selfish and took advantage of my mentally ill wife. The damage to my family as a whole may possibly be felt for generations to come.

Then there is the trust in my wife. The person I felt closest to in this entire world, is completely gone. Even when she sounds sincere, its hard to believe anything coming from her now. I want to heal that wound in me, but currently have no idea how.

 

[minx1]

I always had good faith in almost everyone I met in my life. In fact, I never recall truly hating anyone. Thats all changed. I hate the person that came into my house as a friend wearing sheeps clothing, was over-the-top selfish and took advantage of my mentally ill wife. The damage to my family as a whole may possibly be felt for generations to come.

Then there is the trust in my wife. The person I felt closest to in this entire world, is completely gone. Even when she sounds sincere, its hard to believe anything coming from her now. I want to heal that wound in me, but currently have no idea how.

And I think thats probably why its so difficult. You never hated anyone and took people in good faith, then suddenly you are filled with an overwhelming anger and venom that you have never felt before and aren't entirely sure what to do with those feelings.

How do you heal? I don't know is the honest answer. Everyone heals in different ways I guess. For me it was accepting what had happened, which took time. But I think what played a major part in speeding up that process for me, was making a conscious decision that I wasn't going to be bitter or filled with hatred for him and his partner. I was gonna let go of any feelings like that as the only one they served to hurt was me.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm in a pretty angry phase right now. Angry at my ex, angry at myself. I'm just kind of letting myself feel it for a while.

 

[catalina_francisco]

*nods* I think I went through times where out of the blue it would hit me really badly and I would think 'why? why would you do this to me?'
Yes it was the distress that someone I had planned to live my life with had other ideas, but moreso the utter disbelief that someone I thought I knew inside out, loved and admired was so far removed from the person i thought they were. I couldn't have been more wrong. Its strange the things that upset you the most...it wasn't his string of affairs, the appalling way he treated me in the last few months of our marriage or the woman he was involved with at that time. I am quite philosophical about that. To me, its just life...people fall in and out of love. Its how they decide to deal with that that is key.

The fact I had got it so wrong, made me question myself. I had always been a decent judge of character or so I thought and yet I had been so wrong with my own husband. That completely knocked my confidence.

And I guess thats what I mean when I talk about the legacy I am left with...I've lost the ability to accept things at face value....not completely but not as easily as I used to. Trusting someone is hard and I often find myself asking for constant reassurance.
Even with my Master, there are times when he goes to leave and I ask him if he will be coming back or if he still wants me.

But and its a big but, its not all doom and gloom. I am much happier than I was when I was married. Even during the times when I slept on friends floors and lived out of plastic bags! *laugh*

I am not bitter at all. If I saw him and his partner tomorrow I would even acknowledge them. Life is way too short for me to spend it screwed up and resentful. Besides I am in a good place...a better place than I was then and I am sure that i will start to regain the confidence I lost.

It is a difficult journey for all the inconsistencies and unexpected emotions. Over the past year I have been able to actually verbalise just a little how I feel about my divorce and the breakdown of the family we had due to his alcoholism. It isn't easy, and obviously not something I actually talk with F about, but I am fortunate to have a good friend here who shares such discussions from both our experiences. I can finally look at the good things about him I miss without feeling anger or a need to block it out....I can look at the great times we had when he was more in control of himself and his life, and appreciate them....I can grieve that my children basically have never gotten to know him as the person he really was, though my daughter has some memories....but most of all I find myself grieving for what he has lost as in his whole life when I know how afraid he was of ever letting that happen to him after watching his own father's alcoholism and how definate he was he would never, ever do that to himself or his family.

I am at a point where I would like to write him a letter expressing all I feel and letting him know I do not hate him, nor have I ever encouraged the children to do so despite him continual dissappointing and avoiding them throughout their lives, just not sure he would get the letter as the only place I have to send it is his family...and of course, I also wonder if it isn't just better to let sleeping dogs lie...I am not there to have to worry about anything he might do, but my daughter and grand daughter are. It would make me happy to know he had found some sort of happiness in life, though I do not think that is what has happened. So many times in life I have wished I had a crystal ball that actually could reveal the truth and future accurately. Sheeesh, and all this after being divorced 20 years!!

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

I'm in a pretty angry phase right now. Angry at my ex, angry at myself. I'm just kind of letting myself feel it for a while.

My angry phase lasted about 2 hours. I just don't really get angry, I don't hate people, and I just can't stay angry for any length of time. He wantss me to be angry, he wants me to hate him so that he can forgive himself because it puts me on a more human level in his mind. He's always held me up on some sort of pedistal and that's a huge bit of our problem right now. I just don't see the point in getting angry. What's done is done and I can't change that, nor would I really want to at this point.

 

[intothewoods]

My angry phase lasted about 2 hours. I just don't really get angry, I don't hate people, and I just can't stay angry for any length of time. He wantss me to be angry, he wants me to hate him so that he can forgive himself because it puts me on a more human level in his mind. He's always held me up on some sort of pedistal and that's a huge bit of our problem right now. I just don't see the point in getting angry. What's done is done and I can't change that, nor would I really want to at this point.

That sounds very rational, and all true, but I'm still angry.

Why doesn't he still love me? Why didn't he love me more? Why doesn't he want to try, at least try, for our son? Why didn't he love me more?

It makes me sad. And then angry. And then sad again.

 

[coy_one]

Have you ever just wanted to say.... "FUCK." Because that pretty much sums up how you feel about everything?

 

[somberReality]

I'm in a pretty angry phase right now. Angry at my ex, angry at myself. I'm just kind of letting myself feel it for a while.

Do that. Don't let anything harbor....it's best to let it out.

People will have to deal and/or understand.

If they don't? In my words, fuck them. You help you and don't worry what anyone else thinks.