Disappointments

[MissTaken]

We spend a lot of time discussing how we enjoy BDSM, the high points, the dreams, the fond memories and all the good stuff.

So, tell me about some of your disapointments?

Whether it was in general, with the lifestyle, itself, a scene, a relationship, whatever?

There is always a down side.

Maybe we could learn a bit from one another by sharing those let downs.

I am sincerely interested in hearing from Dom/mes as well in an effort to understand be better able to engage in a D/s relationship.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Perhaps it's me

but I see no purpose in discussing my disppointments. I find dwelling on negatives counterproductive. I believe you draw to you what you concentrate on. Disappointments are are part of life; no more no less. If you do not have have bad things, how can you appreciate the good? I like to move toward the future while I live in the present.

That is what I do, YMMV.

Eb

 

[lovetoread]

I'll have to get back to you on this when I am not hung over.

But off the top of my head, I've been thinking about whether its worth it anymore.

 

[TxBelle]

A group of my friends always talk about playing and everytime we go out there's promises and teasing but when it comes right down to it they never pull through. It's really irritating me. My gf plays the part to a certain point and then just bails on me and her husband just wants the same thing every 13 year old wants when he finds out what his dick can be used for. Boring.

I finally managed to get my other GF to go upstairs to this little dungeon scene they had set up the club we were at for new years. She was mezmerized and enjoyed the whipping scene ooodles...but she rode home with the other friends and my hubby and I took our own car. Damnit!

All we ever do is get drunk and tease. We gotta stop doing both of those things and start following though instead of stagnating. These are great people but the partying is just too expensive and I always end up going home horney and unsatisfied.

Ever feel like you aren't getting enough out of life and need to stretch yourself and your imagination?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Ever feel like you aren't getting enough out of life and need to stretch yourself and your imagination?

Sure, I think that anyone who is still into learning and growing has these feelings.

Eb

 

[MissTaken]

I have found myself disappointed by a clumsy Dom. Of course, how else would I know, if not to scene with him?

 

[lilredwolph]

i have had only disappointments in myself, i normally don't put enough faith in others to feel disappointed when something doesn't happen as it should. if i do put faith into others and things don't go as planned than i only have myself to blame for any disappointment i feel/felt because it was my choice to put faith in somebody else

 

[SexyChele]

I try to turn my disappointments into learning experiences, if at all possible. For example, when I was actively looking for a Dominant, I was beginning to feel disappointment at not being able to find some one who I felt was a good (or perfect? ) match. It was getting to the point of frustration, when I finally shut the ads down. That was when I realized that I'd done all this study and reading on the idea that it was what I thought I wanted. I never fully investigated the idea of whether I wanted to be involved in BDSM, to what extent, how often, etc.

I've turned that "diappointment" into a period of reflection, and being able to sort out just where my feelings lay. By looking fully into myself, I am beginning to question many things and that is a good thing. Sure, I had the "book smarts" to know what the relationship between Dom and sub should be. But I needed the heart as well.

Life is filled with disappointments. It is how one chooses to deal with them that determines if they are negatives or positives in one's life.

 

[dragonlace]

disappointments.....hmmmmmm.....
mostly i get disappointed when i cannot fullfil a task required of me or when i have disappointed Him by not pleasing Him(actually i tend to beat myself up over it worse than punishments)

I have also been disappointed by the many players who think its a game, when there are T/those of U/us who live the lifestyle and have respect for O/others in the lifestyle.......those players disappoint me with their ignorance and because they play with the values that W/we hold dear.......sorry for the rant

lace

 

[MissTaken]

I've turned that "diappointment" into a period of reflection, and being able to sort out just where my feelings lay. By looking fully into myself, I am beginning to question many things and that is a good thing. Sure, I had the "book smarts" to know what the relationship between Dom and sub should be. But I needed the heart as well.

Life is filled with disappointments. It is how one chooses to deal with them that determines if they are negatives or positives in one's life.

I have done the same thing and yes, chele, I have learned more about myself in the "non search."

Adn finding out where not looking leads is always interesting, too!

 

[MissTaken]

Just a random thought

Disappointment seems to lead to self doubt, almost indubitably.

Even with the flip comment about the clumsy Dom, it made me doubt myself, my judgement in people and my choices.

Does anyone agree?
Disagree?

 

[Cirrus]

I disappoint myself a lot, usually by expecting too much, and only realizing after the fact that I've set unattainable expections. This usually holds true in relationships and other aspects of my life as well.

As far as BDSM is concerned, I've had a few disappointments. One was finding out the Dom I was with at the time wasn't really as into BDSM as he thought he was. I really can't hold it against him though, we all go through a journey of self discovery, sexually speaking or otherwise. But still, I was disappointed that he and I weren't compatible in that way.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Good topic Miss T...I will be back to add to the discussion once my mind is working for the day.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

I agree with several here who have said that reflection on past disappointments can be productive and a learning experience.

I don't think my disappointments mean anything to anyone. They are personal and they are mine alone. No one, aside from my close friends, cares.

And if I did share them publicly, then everyone would know just how stupid I am. I can't risk ruining the image I have taken so long cultivating. (That was supposed to be funny, if you don't know.)

 

[spankableBelle]

and all that jazz...

i find disappointment most when i think things in the relationship should be going one way instead of the other or when i expect more that what i feel i am getting...and i find that it leads to self doubt...i have blamed Doms on rare ocassions, but mostly, the disappointment lies with myself and wondering what i did wrong...

gotta work on that...

belle

 

[BlueSugar]

I have more energy most of the time, because of where he works and other things he enjoys doing... So I have found myself getting increasingly more disappointed when he would rather vanilla. He still wants to be with me and want the experience, I'm just up for it more. I've found myself really really enjoying how drained and fulfilled our Bdsm sessions have become (when they do happen) and its making everything else seem boring in a way. oi... that sounds terrible of me. I'm going to stop typing now. heh.

 

[FungiUg]

Most of my disappointments haven't been strictly BDSM related. For example, arranging to meet people who don't show up. Or meeting someone I get on well with on the 'net but find that there's no chemistry in person. Both of those are... well, disappointing, but will happen whatever your sexual persuit.

Worse is when you meet someone, there IS attraction and chemistry, and then for some reason it never works out (for examples, she gets a boyfriend, or the distance just makes it impractical.)

I think one I am facing is losing a submissive because of emotional attachment, and her moving on. Sad, but to be expected, since my lover and I can't offer a full-on relationship.

Also, there are some things that are lovely in fantasy (a live-in submissive costantly available for my pleasure), but in real life, would be just as irritating as disappointing. I like my space, and the complication of three adults in a live-in relationship is not something I would enjoy facing.

About the actual BDSM play? Nothing but good memories, no disappointments to speak of.

 

[esclave_PP]

Biggest disappointment I ever had was my first Master -- he ended up getting addicted to coke and kinda lost his mind. Actually had to flee from him to a friends, and beg release. Was very sad. Although, through the grapevine and many moons later (like 17 years) did hear that he's a successful lawyer somewhere.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I get disappointed when it cannot be denied that a submissive THINKS I am gullable enough to fall for ass kissing and playing two ends against the middle. It is also disappointing to Me when they don't realize when I say I am bored with the bull they try to deny the believability of the statement.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I have been disappointed a couple of times by Dominants who looked to me to tell them what to do next. I am not in the slightest interested in topping from the bottom, and although I realise exploration and getting to know the other's comfort and expectations is a must, this crossed to the not knowing where to go next. Imagination is such a vital requirement of the equation.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

I have been disappointed a couple of times by Dominants who looked to me to tell them what to do next.

That's always an interesting one. I do like feedback and input from a submissive, so I have to remind myself to seek that outside of a play session (afterwards is usually best). I agree though, a dominant would break the flow if s/he were asking "what next?"

Hmmm... okay, how about if it were a rhetorical question, kind of like the dominant thinking out loud, getting the submissive thinking "what will s/he do with me next?" A sort of teasing surprise...

"Hmmm... what shall I do with you next?"

(pause for effect)

"I have it! The perfect thing! Chocolate sauce and ants!"

 

[catalina_francisco]

That's always an interesting one. I do like feedback and input from a submissive, so I have to remind myself to seek that outside of a play session (afterwards is usually best). I agree though, a dominant would break the flow if s/he were asking "what next?"

Hmmm... okay, how about if it were a rhetorical question, kind of like the dominant thinking out loud, getting the submissive thinking "what will s/he do with me next?" A sort of teasing surprise...

"Hmmm... what shall I do with you next?"

(pause for effect)

"I have it! The perfect thing! Chocolate sauce and ants!"

The latter one seems more easy to consider than my experience where it was a more, 'now what would you like me to do next?'which really didn't feel dominant for me. As you say those discussions of how things went and where they may perhaps go are better outside the play session.

C

 

[serijules]

This is an interesting question. I don't mind discussing or focusing on my disappointments, I like to deal with things completely and then file them away rather than tell myself they are not worth focusing on because it is done and over with. But I like to think/talk everything to death so...

Anyhow, most of my own disappointments have also been in myself. Sometimes there are so many of them I feel overwhelmed and just want to walk away...I've been feeling that strongly lately, it is a rather frightening feeling. I get disappointed in the way I handle situations mostly. In my head, I know what I need to and want to do, but when it comes right down to it, other issues often take over and I end up failing myself, and others.

As for disappointments in scenes or situations...someone mentioned being frustrated with scenes/parties that don't play out, and I can very much relate to this. I attend a weekend long play party twice a year, and I always find myself very disappointed in not getting to play as much as I'd like, or people making threats/promises and not following through with them. Sometimes it is unavoidable, but many times not. Most of the time, rather than playing, my friends end up doing other social things or even just sitting around for hours and talking, which I can't enjoy because of my deafness.

So it is very frustrating to watch time pass by and opportunities lost because people would rather be social. However, I do understand the reasoning and I KNOW if I were not deaf and could keep up easier, I wouldn't mind nearly as much and would really enjoy that social interaction. However, I can't enjoy it for physical reasons, so my personal private play is much more important to me. I feel very disappointed when I don't get as much of it as I would like, especially since those are pretty much the only two times a year I get to play with people I really truly enjoy playing with. I don't think I will ever really find a solution for this disappointment other than to be more forward and secure in simply asking people for that time and hoping they understand why it is so important to me. That is something I can work on and hope to do better at, because I think it will help ease a lot of the disappointment I feel after those weekends if I can learn to make more of an effort to mold my surroundings and limits into something that works for me.

I have never really been disappointed in another person...even my relationships that didn't work out, I've felt anger, betrayal, even hatred to an extent...but never disappointed in that person. I figure that whatever went wrong in those situations wasn't so much that the other person suddenly changed, but more so that I simply didn't see that they were the way they are, and consider it a shortsight of my own. Being disappointed in someone for being who they are and not who you want them to be seems pretty shallow to me.

Alrighty, enough babbling. I'm bored today, my mouth is on a run to entertain myself I think.

 

[esclave_PP]

I don't do well with free choices at all. Sometimes Master will say, just to push slave's buttons, of course, "Do whatever you want..." and I just groan, and beg Master to tell me instead. Can't deal with free choices lol. AHHhhhhhhhhhhh. He knows this too and pushes me intentionally.

 

[hurtme]

dissapointments, we have a long history, I also prefer to deal with them as they happen, and that way I can learn what I can and let the issue die right there before it builds up further than it needs to be. I have been dissapointed by a dom who started out amazingly, we had amazing chemistry, he knew exactly what I needed, and so on, and things were perfect, but then I realized two things...one, he enjoyed domming because he had low self esteem, and "after the honeymoon" so to speak, it was painfully obvious...and two, we wanted two different things. He wanted someone who would be subbie all the time, in fact, he wated a slave...two things I just can't do...so, yeah, dissapointemnt, cause gods was teh sex amazing...