Differing Sex Drives?

[Doc_Faustus]

My wife & I are both early 40s with 3 kids, the youngest is 9. Our sex life was great before the kids and slowed up when they were young. As time has gone by, I'm finding I'm hornier a lot more of the time than she is. I could fuck every night, she's a weekend/once a week to every ten days kind of girl now. She's worried about the kids walking in on us at night, or she's just generally not receptive. It causes me some resentment (shouldn't sex be one of the real joys of marriage?). I wrote her a sex fantasy email a few weeks ago-when she read it, she sent me back a short vanilla email, but when I got home all the kids were out of the house and I had some of the most mind blowing sex of my life, and she had orgasm(s) that left her speechless. Just thinking about it is giving me a hardon.

How do I get her to warm up? I've tried talking about it and have gotten lip service (no pun intended) type answers.

 

[Lady Reiha]

My wife & I are both early 40s with 3 kids, the youngest is 9. Our sex life was great before the kids and slowed up when they were young. As time has gone by, I'm finding I'm hornier a lot more of the time than she is. I could fuck every night, she's a weekend/once a week to every ten days kind of girl now. She's worried about the kids walking in on us at night, or she's just generally not receptive. It causes me some resentment (shouldn't sex be one of the real joys of marriage?). I wrote her a sex fantasy email a few weeks ago-when she read it, she sent me back a short vanilla email, but when I got home all the kids were out of the house and I had some of the most mind blowing sex of my life, and she had orgasm(s) that left her speechless. Just thinking about it is giving me a hardon.

How do I get her to warm up? I've tried talking about it and have gotten lip service (no pun intended) type answers.

First off, how old are the kids? Maybe suggest a night for you two- maybe take her out somewhere nice, then suggest a hotel for the evening? Maybe do this about once a month, prehaps then she'll break out of her shell?

 

[Eilan]

You don't give us too much information to go on, so I'm going to ask some questions:

Since non-sexual relationship problems/resentments often manifest themselves in the bedroom, how would you rate your relationship outside the bedroom?

Do you both work outside the home?

Who does the lion's share of the housework/childcare?

Is it possible that she's menopausal/perimenopausal?

What sorts of responses do you consider to be lip service?

As a mother of four, three of whom are younger than your youngest, I know that the parenting years, particularly when there are babies and toddlers in the household, are the most stressful for a marriage. However, I should think you'd be beyond that stage now that your youngest is 9. The concern about the children walking on the two of you in seems, IMO, to be a cop-out response on her part. Surely they've all been taught that when the door's closed they should knock before entering. Not to mention that, barring the ever-so-lovely 3 am pukefest, they probably shouldn't be having trouble sleeping through the night at this point.

On Lit, we usually hear from the spouses who are in your position. Apologies for pimping my own thread, but this one, which includes the POV's of people who have been in your wife's position, might clue you in on what she's thinking. I'm not blaming you, but I'm not blaming her, either, because we're only getting one side of the story here. It's possible that both of you have resentments.

Remember that communication is a two-way street. It's great that you're talking, but make sure you're both listening.

Best of luck to both of you.

 

[bailadora]

Some damn good reading there, Eilan...pimp away. Wish my search had brought that up when I first came to Lit, as that was precisely what brought me here.

The good news is that both of us have made a conscious effort to revive the spark in our relationship and it has yielded some great results. We're both much happier than we were several months ago.

 

[Eilan]

Some damn good reading there, Eilan...pimp away. Wish my search had brought that up when I first came to Lit, as that was precisely what brought me here.

Thanks.

I wasn't even sure I should start a thread like that, but after seeing so many threads like this one and knowing that I'd once been that other partner, I thought I'd at least get my POV out there.

 

[DrHappy]

You might want to check out the Mismatched Libidos forum at iVillage.

 

[greeneyed_Lady]

I think it's fairly common for partners to have a waxing/waning to their libido over the course of the relationship. I know with both my ltr's that we started off like bunnies, and by the end of it I was lucky if I got fucked once in a 6 wk period.

My kids have walked in on me a couple of times. I think it's far more embarassing for me then them. That's what locks on the bedroom door are for.

I can be kind of vocal sometimes, but when the kids are around I tend to be quiet. The times I've been loud and the kids are around, it's raised some questions.

Also, from my experience.. it's hard to flip the switch from mom to lover/sex goddess. Not sure if your wife works outside the home or not, but I know I was far more receptive and would initiate more when the ex helped deal with the kids more, or made dinner, or did a load of laundry... gave me a little down time and helped make that transition easier. A nice soak in the tub while he tucked the kids in was always nice.

Normally my libido is a lot higher then the majority of my partners. It isn't a problem in the beginning of most relationships. I know a lot of guys who think it's really great that their partner wants to have sex 3 times a day, every day... after a while of that tho they can't keep up with me.

Send flowers to her with a sexy note attached. Flirt with her. Describe to her what you would like to do. Book a babysitter and take her out. Be content to hold her and kiss her and curl up on the couch watching a movie. Seriously... maybe she's feeling pressured. If you back off a little, she might be the one jumping you. It seems to me that the times I curl up for a cuddle and a movie are the times I end up ripping the boy's clothes off... something about being held against his big warm body with his arms around me just fans the fires of lust.

 

[bailadora]

Also, from my experience.. it's hard to flip the switch from mom to lover/sex goddess. Not sure if your wife works outside the home or not, but I know I was far more receptive and would initiate more when the ex helped deal with the kids more, or made dinner, or did a load of laundry... gave me a little down time and helped make that transition easier. A nice soak in the tub while he tucked the kids in was always nice.

As a stay at home mom, I second and third this. I don't know how things are between the two of you, but a helping hand at home is ALWAYS appreciated.

 

[MrsCali30]

There is no better foreplay than a man taking charge and doing the dishes/laundry or bathing the kids while Mom gets to relax. That time relaxing helps ease into sexy mama mode, get ready to be pounced.

 

[subwannabe]

I'm in a similar situation as you. I have kids of all ages and the wife is happy with one or two week sex whereas I prefer several times a week. She's always tired. Hell, I'm tired a lot too from working two jobs and doing the man stuff at home plus some dishes, taking care of the kids, etc., but I still want sex. I'd be ok with a compromise but if she's not into it, she's not into it. Sometimes she offers a mercy fuck or similar but if I wanted sex with a blow up doll I'd just order one. I was hoping to have an active and interested partner. I wish I could offer you some advice but I haven't been able to find the solution yet myself. One thing I did notice about your post is that when you got rid of the kids you had a great time so maybe the best thing you could do is just make more alone time available. It won't solve your problem completely but could make things better.

 

[Mansa Musa]

My wife & I are both early 40s with 3 kids, the youngest is 9. Our sex life was great before the kids and slowed up when they were young. As time has gone by, I'm finding I'm hornier a lot more of the time than she is. I could fuck every night, she's a weekend/once a week to every ten days kind of girl now. She's worried about the kids walking in on us at night, or she's just generally not receptive. It causes me some resentment (shouldn't sex be one of the real joys of marriage?). I wrote her a sex fantasy email a few weeks ago-when she read it, she sent me back a short vanilla email, but when I got home all the kids were out of the house and I had some of the most mind blowing sex of my life, and she had orgasm(s) that left her speechless. Just thinking about it is giving me a hardon.

How do I get her to warm up? I've tried talking about it and have gotten lip service (no pun intended) type answers.

You answered your own question. Most women (emphasis on most) feel as desireable as their SOs expectations. If you're just climbing on and getting yours, she's going to feel like a piece of meat, especially if she's home taking care of those adorable need-factories, AKA children. If you want a hotwife, or even a "hot" wife, you have to shoulder some more of the burden. Chores aren't fun, but do them. If you're living in a more temperate environment, take the kids out for playtime/studytime/"Daddy wants to know about your day" time. (If the youngest one is 9 years old, you need to start learning as much about your children as possible. An attentive father, statistically speaking, is the best deterrent to juvenile misbehaviour) Give her 1-2 hours to recuperate, take a bath, put on some perfume, check on dinner, set the table and everything else. When you come home, send the kids upstairs to clean up, then set up later events with a little "playtime" of your own.

Gently feel her ass, her breasts, or any of her "secret" areas. If you don't know her secret areas by now, you're going to want to get the kids out of the house on a regular basis, for "study time". Quick kisses and whispered comments are far more effective libido enhancers than jewelry or new vehicles. With the gifts, you receive obligatory sex for the present, and added frustration for the cold fish/quickie bastardization of your desires. With your affirmation of her status as a desireable woman, you'll get a wife who wants to have sex with you, even if the youngest may hear a stray whimper or moan. And if you're smart enough to memorize a few of the techniques on this board, your next thread title may look like this...

" My wife is too hot! If she's this horny with the kids in the house, what's she going to be like when they're all gone!!? "

I've made the acquaintance of a "forgotten" woman or two in my time. Here's a heads up: If she isn't getting the attention from you, she's going to get the attention from someone else. If you're lucky, Oprah will become her new best friend. If you aren't, you'll become the next person posting about unexplainable infidelity. Or, to make this clearer, I've fucked more married women accidentally (literally by accident, I flirt a lot and don't ask questions) than most men will fuck intentionally. A "neglected" woman is far more likely to stray than an emotionally/physically/financially satisfied wife. And she'll be far less likely to take precautions, if you catch my drift.

There's nothing worse than waking up to a bladder full of burning urine, only to hear "But you're never there for me!", as her rationale for bringing home a dose. Well, except AIDS. Or discovering that you're the father of three children, even though you're buying clothes for four. Yeah, I've heard both sides of the story in my time. One man's "curiosity" can be misconstrued into a woman's "interest".

 

[bailadora]

I've been thinking about this thread the last day or so and how similar my situation was when I first came to Lit. It seemed like we were never on the same page when it came to sex. Either I was too tired (alot of the time) or it just seemed like the timing was wrong and we couldn't connect. Or if we did have sex, the spark was just gone and it felt like one more chore to check off the list of things to be done.

While at first I thought all of our problems were in the bedroom, it became clear to me that what was REALLY wrong was that my husband and I had lost touch with each other. Although we were living in the same house, we were living separate lives. He was working the late hours and I was the SAHM taking care of the kids and house. And a lot of the time, we didn't have energy left for each other. In short, we'd let the intimacy go out of our lives. When we started concentrating on restoring the intimacy between us, our relationship took a total 180 degree turn for the better. Instead of him vegging in front of the tv and me hanging out online, we cut it short after awhile and just take time to connect with one another. Sometimes it's no more than a pillow fight, a tickle fight, a shared glass of wine...simple things really. But by focusing on that aspect of our relationship, we've also had great improvement in the bedroom. To be honest, I wouldn't say that our frequency is markedly different because life and the kids still get in the way sometimes. But, I would say that the quality is so much better than it was before.

I don't know enough about you Doc, or Sub to offer any concrete advice. But perhaps by sharing my story, I've given you another avenue of thought you may not have been aware of. Best of luck to you both.

 

[BeachLovers]

Good luck, and know that you are not alone. This is very common. And, while it's no consolation to you, my wife is interested even less frequently than yours.

One thing, in these situations it is also common for one or both partners to talk about what is "normal" in terms of frequency. There is no "normal" frequency, as even couples who are in sync as to their sexual frequency may have a very different frequency than other couples who are also in sync with each other. So forget about what is "normal" and just focus on how to reach some common ground between the two of YOU -- and not worry about what others are doing.