Dick or Dom?

[MsQuote]

A Lit member posted this sentiment on another board:

* Women service me, I do not service them. Oral is submissive.

I'm posting it here to get some feedback to give him an education about what being a Dom is all about.

I'd prefer responses from male Doms and female Dommes. Given his temperament I've seen in other threads in which he's posted, I doubt that he would take my or any other woman's or sub's interpretation of what being a Dom is all about.

*Name has been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

So a Dom who enjoys giving oral to a sub, let us say for example, to induce a prolonged orgasm in said sub, is in fact a sub himself by the mere fact that he is giving?
Naaaaaaa

 

[midwestyankee]

In my world, the dominant does as he or she pleases. End of story. If it pleases him or her to perform oral sex on a partner then that's what happens. Where your buddy HeClaimstobeaDom goes wrong is to extrapolate his preferences to all other dominants. His thinking skills are weak. In and of itself, this does not mean that he is a poor dominant. He may simply be an inarticulate one.

 

[UhlBWett]

Plain and simple

Not Dom, so it must be dick................

 

[njlauren]

Dick, someone who got his idea out of being a dom out of some bad lit story, not someone who has done it in life. Anytime anyone says "a Dom wouldn't do that,that is submissive" is a moron IMO, because the whole point of being a Dom is he who is dom, sets the rules (or she/domme). Personally, I suspect the guy is some loser who has hangups about oral sex being 'nasty' and uses that, my that is just my opinion.

Old expression in kinky fortune cookie "Dom who doesn't care for their sub, end up dominating air"

 

[Netzach]

Neither. Both. Insufficient information.

Since when can't people simply proclaim what's true in their universe a little emphatically?

Of course, if you can't put that in perspective, you're kind of a moron. I have plenty of unreasonable and untentable beliefs, but I realize they're MY little Roman Circus and no one else's.

Let's put the shoe on the other foot, so to speak. If I explain that I don't suck dick because dick sucking is submissive, there would be some scant disagreement but no one would expect me to necessarily have to come around and agree that fellating male subs is some kind of "taking care of" entitlement on their behalf, amirite?

 

[njlauren]

There is an old expression, that says someone has the right to express their own world, but it doesn't stop them from being criticized or others having their own thoughts. Someone who says things like "Women service me, I do not service them. Oral is submissive." go beyond expressing their personal world, the last line is key, stating that oral is submissive as if that is gospel and I think that is where people are commenting from. Not to mention the first part, "women service me, I don't service them" is also a bit on the chauvinistic side that has nothing to do with being into BD/SM. Put it this way, taken out of context of BD/SM, the guy would be taken by most as a dick. The wording is what does it for me, the last part is proclaiming universal truth "oral is submissive", the first part that he some God that all women should worship. Maybe he meant it differently, but if he said "For me, going down on a female sub to me would me being her sub", I could accept it, the way it was written, it came off as someone really hung up on their 'dom-ship'.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm with Netz on this.

If he feels that 'oral is submissive' and he's not submissive, then-- that's how he rolls. If you want oral as part of your submission package, don't roll with him.

I really hope you aren't defining "Dominant" as "Perfect Prince Who Reads My Mind."

Or "husband material."

I'm not saying those aren't nice things to get in the package, but Dom and Dick are not mutually exclusive terms. None of us live in a Romance novel.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Oral is submissive? Not always.

It can be alot of fun teasing a guy for ages and edging him. Every time I know he is getting close I just change what I doing, from licking to sucking or stopping using my tongue etc.

I love doing that and playing innocent

 

[Stella_Omega]

Oral is submissive? Not always.

It can be alot of fun teasing a guy for ages and edging him. Every time I know he is getting close I just change what I doing, from licking to sucking or stopping using my tongue etc.

I love doing that and playing innocent

yeah, I always felt pretty dominant when a guy was on his back and his dick was in my mouth. But getting skullfucked is an entirely different proposition. Fun, too.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

yeah, I always felt pretty dominant when a guy was on his back and his dick was in my mouth. But getting skullfucked is an entirely different proposition. Fun, too.

Most definitly but it's been so long that I don't even remember what it feels like

 

[knot_sweet]

If "oral is submissive" is how it plays in the PYL's head, so be it. If they're able to find a partner who agrees to the relationship parameters, then more power to them.

Stating it like it's a world gospel truth is a dick move, but then a lot of people are guilty of the 'what works for me must be true for everyone' idea.

I personally wouldn't choose to sub or switch with a person who plays that way with oral. But that's me, and the PYL in question isn't my dom.

I think he's going to find himself a little short of playmates, although there are women who aren't comfortable receiving oral, so maybe he'll be ok.

As Stella said dick and dom/me are not mutally exclusive concepts. Neither is dick /sub.

 

[BiBunny]

Dom and Dick are not mutually exclusive terms.

^^^^This.

Although if none of us have any intention of fucking the guy, I can't imagine why it matters one way or the other.

 

[Bramblethorn]

One word:

"Teeth."

 

[DomKev]

A Lit member posted this sentiment on another board:



I'm posting it here to get some feedback to give him an education about what being a Dom is all about.

I'd prefer responses from male Doms and female Dommes. Given his temperament I've seen in other threads in which he's posted, I doubt that he would take my or any other woman's or sub's interpretation of what being a Dom is all about.

*Name has been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

based on the one quote I wouldn't say he's a dick but I would disagree with him. Theres more then one way to dominate and pleasure can be its own form of control. When you preform oral right you can make the receiver putty in your hands and of course theirs always controlling that pleasure. Making them wait on your whim, easing up as they get close until they have all but calmed down completely and then pouring it on again, and again till they are howling for that sweet release and then giving it to them on your own terms.

 

[TheOlderGuy]

A Lit member posted this sentiment on another board:



I'm posting it here to get some feedback to give him an education about what being a Dom is all about.

I'd prefer responses from male Doms and female Dommes. Given his temperament I've seen in other threads in which he's posted, I doubt that he would take my or any other woman's or sub's interpretation of what being a Dom is all about.

*Name has been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

Sounds like a moron to me

 

[MsQuote]

Dick, someone who got his idea out of being a dom out of some bad lit story, not someone who has done it in life. Anytime anyone says "a Dom wouldn't do that,that is submissive" is a moron IMO, because the whole point of being a Dom is he who is dom, sets the rules (or she/domme). Personally, I suspect the guy is some loser who has hangups about oral sex being 'nasty' and uses that, my that is just my opinion.

Old expression in kinky fortune cookie "Dom who doesn't care for their sub, end up dominating air"

You got where I was coming from, and like I said, I put out a challenge to him to see what others besides women and subs had to say about his comment.

I guess I have somewhat of a mission to call out guys like "HeClaimstobeaDom" because they give the BDSM community a bad name and propagate a lot of fallacies of what BDSM, D/s and what respectful attitudes about sex in general are all about. There is no one right way to practice BDSM l, but I didn't think the tone and his comment about going down on women (and comments like "cuckolding was an obvious cover for homosexuality" and calling some women "cumdumpsters" in other threads) was respectful or intelligent in any context.

Sure, we can laugh this guy off as a buffoon, but for society as a whole, I think there's a whole lack of respect and acceptance of sexual preferences and practices, and he's one of those guys perpetrating the cycle. For as much good information that most members on this board share and discuss, it's just not getting out there to the people who really need it.

 

[Netzach]

I'm not a sub. I am a woman. Not all "wannabe Doms" are men. And when you're trained to put everyone else before you, because vagina... there is something intensely liberating about putting everyone below you. It's exhilarating. It's revolutionary to have a not 100 percent concerned about the other person's feeewings attitude toward your sex life.

It's absolutely fun on wheels to declare that at least 90 percent of cuckolding stuff IS repressed homosexuality, and dicksucking is for boys, and that just about any male dominant can be flipped with the application of decent head - it doesn't mean I believe these things as sex-ed reality, but I sure believe them in limited spheres and during sexyhottime.

Maybe "dick" just gets out less than I do and has to use Lit as his sounding board for taboos.

If it was egalitarian, it would be vanilla. If you don't like his brand of unfair, call him an idiot, do whatever you want, but don't lay this "gives the BDSM community a bad name" trip on it just because it's not your scene.

Yes we should all be introspective and caring, and better people and communicate with one another and then there's reality and as long as people are consenting to the activities and not so high they don't remember the night before, that's about optimal for sex and ethics. If a woman - OR a man - wants respect, oral sex, pleasure, good communication - it's their responsibility and right to fuck only those people who are going to give it - or not, if they don't care or care differently.

The BDSM community I came up in basically lives by the idea that if no one's in imminent danger of death and no children are involved, if you don't like it, don't look. Trust me, if I could only socially tolerate people who are down with how I think the world should sexually function in regard to gender, it would be a very very small life I lead.

 

[Dyslexicea]

A Lit member posted this sentiment on another board:

****Women service me, I do not service them. Oral is submissive.****

I'm posting it here to get some feedback to give him an education about what being a Dom is all about.

I'd prefer responses from male Doms and female Dommes. Given his temperament I've seen in other threads in which he's posted, I doubt that he would take my or any other woman's or sub's interpretation of what being a Dom is all about.

*Name has been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

You didn't do such a good job of protecting the not-so-innocent. I think no matter what anyone posts here, he is not likely to listen. What I found was a misogynistic, chauvinistic, homophobic, most likely racist pig. Not even fit to be called a dick. Just my opinion.

As for BDSM, I don't believe he has the slightest idea of what a D/s relationship is.

 

[JamieJ424]

I like the comments Netz and Stella made about him being free to make his own rules in his bedroom and pick his partner accordingly. My assessment is he's thinned his pool of potential partners with his opinion on performing oral, but that's neither here nor there.

I wanted to add that being a sexual dominant is not about doing/not doing a set of things. I think performing oral can be done by a dominant or a submissive. I personally love doing it, I'm good at it, and I am not going to give it up because they might take me off the mailing list. I think that is a bullshit way to live. What happens between me and my partner is between us, and if it's working then you can put whatever label on me you want.

J

 

[Stella_Omega]

The BDSM community I came up in basically lives by the idea that if no one's in imminent danger of death and no children are involved, if you don't like it, don't look.

This, thank you. Of course there's a corollary, which is-- you don't shove your stuff in people's faces and insist that they look. Of course that's what 'HeClaimstobeaDom' is trying to do.

I often call people on their shit, but almost never because I think they will change their ways-- just to send a message to anyone reading along that no, this douche does not speak for everyone, and no, this is not okay.

 

[njlauren]

This, thank you. Of course there's a corollary, which is-- you don't shove your stuff in people's faces and insist that they look. Of course that's what 'HeClaimstobeaDom' is trying to do.

I often call people on their shit, but almost never because I think they will change their ways-- just to send a message to anyone reading along that no, this douche does not speak for everyone, and no, this is not okay.

Thanks, Stella, I think that is my point. I understand where Netzach is coming from, the idea that in your own space you can do what you want, and while I understand where Ms. Quote is coming from (more on that in a second), I think the real problem is that he has the right to be what I call a shit in his own relationships, he can do what he wants, I cannot stop him, that he also doesn't have the right to push his shit on others. The respect for lifestyles goes both ways in the community, it isn't just 'whatever floats your boat', it is also respecting the fact that what you believe, want to do, is fine, but that you can't expect tolerance or whatever when you don't give it. In his worldview, he might see women as cumdumps, but when he espouses that as a general rule, he is hurting others. When he makes claims like "cuckolding is a cover for homosexuality", he is both demeaning those into cuckolding (note, I find a lot of it to be personally cringe worthy, especially those involving cruel humiliation, not my scene *shudder*), and also associating it with homosexuality is also using homosexuality as a negative thing (I am sure his real comments were 'any guy into cuckolding is a fag'). The same guy might love to play with black women and as part of it call them all kinds of names, but I suspect if he came out and said something like "All black women are n***** whores", few would be saying that is his scene, because he is pushing his face into everyone else's.

As far as Ms. Quote's statement,I can understand it. I remember years ago there was this creepy guy who used to show up at TES meetings in NYC, this guy claimed to be a dom, would be there with his leather vest and such, and would always during discussions talk in a similar way to the way the guy being described would talk...and worse, this was the kind of guy who would go on a Jerry Springer or Maury Povich claiming to be 'representative' of being into BD/SM.....and it wasn't a positive image (yeah, I know, who expects them to be real? Unfortunately, more then a few people).

The answer to guys like him is people doing exactly what is going on in this discussion, to say that he doesn't represent everyone, that people have a right to call him on being misogynistic, racist, whatever he is, and also that his claims of 'truth' are bullshit. One of the nice parts about free speech is that if someone says something stupid, nasty or idiotic, others can call them on it, and I think it is true in the BD/SM community as well, it isn't what he is into that is the problem, it is that he promulgates things that demean others. If he said "I am a dom, and to me that means I'll never go down on a female sub, because that is submissive", I don't think many would have problems with it. If he even said "in my world, my female subs are my cumsluts, I find subs who are into that", I think people would have no objections, but if he said "women are all cumsluts", then he deserves to get shellacked. My problem with guys like him is that they think the 'whatever floats your boat' means you have the right to have your own thing and throw it out as gospel to others, or demean others simply because that is the way you think, and that is bullshit. No different then when I was at a play party once, there was a guy with a trans girl sub he called his 'shemale' sub, had her wearing a collar that said "Master X's shemale slut", and while I found that offensive, for many reasons, I would hope that worked for both of them...but when said jackass went around, commenting on his sub, saying that 'this is what those he/she freaks need' and the like, he came close to getting lynched, and not just by trans folks there, it was obvious that he extended that beyond his own trip, and he paid the price for it.

 

[Kim_Burly]

There are so many good replies already, I hope I can add a different perspective. If it were up to me Sir G would not perform oral on me, but he wants to and that's that. I am very uncomfortable with him in what feels to me to like a submissive posture for him, on the other hand I love the results. I would probably feel different if I didn't reach orgasms through intercourse.

To further deepen my angst, Sir G likes me to make love to him wearing my feeldoe. To me, and this goes against my feminist inclinations, the male/female penetrator/penetratee roles should never be reversed. The factors that mitigate this feeling are that, he demands it, he climaxes from it, so that's makes it rewarding for me knowing that I can give him such intense prostate orgasms. Our roles are very, very clear and established so while I may not like some of our activities, he is the boss, and I am always subordinate, even when I have my feeldoe buried in his bottom. He also has several ways of making the activity an act of submission with a little humiliation thrown in for good measure .

Every relationship is different in so many different ways that none of us should feel any pressure to conform to someone else's definition of a D/s relationship. Who cares if my definition of a sub is different fron your's? You are the one living your life, go live it!

 

[ornitorinko]

I would say neither. Naive is the word I'd choose.
This could be a primal example of someone who has just come into this world (for whichever reason) and fails to diferenciate the difference between a relationship of D/s to what is seen in porn films - aka I'm the super maister of the universe let me get off real quick really rough. (note the sarcasm)
Just my two cents.

 

[ImpishSeraph]

Maybe he had a bad experience with giving and it made him feel like he was being submissive and in turn now rejects the idea of it.