Defining "Vanilla"

[CutieMouse]

As any good writer, she gives away only hints. The closest I've come yet is the phrase "the butler did it" written in lemon juice on a piece of parchment that washed up on a beach in San Diego recently in an olive jar postmarked "The Rock."

That's 'cause I'm sneaky.

 

[midwestyankee]

That's 'cause I'm sneaky.

Among other endearing qualities, yes.

 

[Keroin]

Now, back to our regularly scheduled session of determining what we all mean by "vanilla." I suggest a field trip to Keroin's "Vice Cream" for the class.

Shameless plugs will get you everywhere, MWY.

 

[teknight]

Shameless plugs will get you everywhere, MWY.

*makes a note in his little black book*..Umm....Anything else?

 

[RJMasters]

A lot of that may stem from the romanticization of the poor, helpless s-type that seems so prevalent online.

The truth is that if you're an adult who is incapable of holding down a basic job, or making productive trips to the DMV or grocery store unaccompanied, that doesn't make you submissive. That makes you dysfunctional. It's not evidence of sexual wiring; it's evidence of something going awry developmentally.

Think about this on the flip side. If you're an adult who is incapable of deferring respectfully to a boss, police officer, or other authority figure when necessary, that doesn't make you Dominant. That makes you dysfunctional. It's not evidence of sexual wiring; it's evidence of something going awry developmentally.

If you are incapable of attending a dinner party, taking a walk, touring a museum, hanging out by the water cooler, etc., without discussing the salacious details of your sexual escapades or providing overt evidence of your power dynamic, that makes you ill-mannered.

Just as it would be ill-mannered for mainstream folks to discuss details of their sexual escapades, or personal power dynamics, in public.

Spot on.

 

[Shagly]

This is vanilla.

http://img.youtube.com/vi/E4DzfMo3nqI/0.jpg

This is vanilla with a topping.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2306/2216668456_a7891a6815.jpg?v=0

 

[JMohegan]

Spot on.

Thanks.

 

[Kwing]

Maybe some people are bored with vanilla. Or they're given an ego boost because they think they experience superior pleasure. Or maybe they feel as if their freedom is impeded on by being vanilla. Or they just don't like political correctness.

This isn't too confusing to me... Sexual deviance is like any other kind of deviance, really.

 

[sweetnpetite]

I hate to say it but I do think kinksters tend to be smarter at least if not the other things. People who question the norm and think for themselves seem to be drawn to this 'non-vanilla' world. Not to say that there aren't plenty of intelligent vanillas, but there are IMO fewer "dummies" that ever move past convention. Now some people are very smart and enjoy convention and make a conscious choice... but you don't HAVE to make a conscious choice, and it's a bit harder to be accidentally alternative. (sure ya mighta been born kinky, but does everybody embrace it, of course not, it's usually a choice not to suppress your true self weather it's kinky or not) Not every kinkster is smarter than every vanilla- I just think the odds are better.

I'm curious about responses to this, too. I've noticed lots of discrimination as well: lots of "Kinksters are smarter/more enlightened/more progressive/more self-aware/etc." coming from everywhere. So, even though, within the community you're allowed to be whoever you're wired to be, vanilla people aren't allowed to be wired vanilla. They've got to be "prudish", "uncreative", "conformist" or other negative things, and associating with them is seen as a chore.

 

[sweetnpetite]

I see a lot of conversations at Fetlife about "OMG I could never go back to vanilla!" or "Would you date a vanilla?" or "I'm struggling so much maintaining my submissiveness when I have to be vanilla [at work/school/the grocery store/etc]..." and to be honest it just confuses the hell out of me.

I don't get the division of it all. When people talk about being submissive, but they have to do XYZ (you know... function as a person in society... with a job/family/etc) and what a struggle it is to reconcile those two worlds [vanilla/BDSM], it's like speaking Martian to me.

What is this "vanilla" stuff and why is it such a problem?

I understand this because I've slept with guys who didn't enjoy pulling my hair... I really crave and miss that! Especially near the end! Now, you can add little bondage elements fairly easy and domination can be done, but if you are a masocist, you really need somebody who's gonna give it to you, ya know? It's not so much fun having your hair pulled by someone who's heart isn't in it.

 

[radepor]

CutieMouse, deliberately didn't read any following posts

An unbiasesd opinion -- unbiased by reading other posts -- is this:

Vanilla is simply a diverge from the norm; BUT: What norm are you talking about?

1950s vanilla is: male and female sex in missionary position.

2010 vanilla is: sex only with aliens who promise to leave the anal probes at home; or alternately, to bring them with them.

I see a lot of conversations at Fetlife about "OMG I could never go back to vanilla!" or "Would you date a vanilla?" or "I'm struggling so much maintaining my submissiveness when I have to be vanilla [at work/school/the grocery store/etc]..." and to be honest it just confuses the hell out of me.

I don't get the division of it all. When people talk about being submissive, but they have to do XYZ (you know... function as a person in society... with a job/family/etc) and what a struggle it is to reconcile those two worlds [vanilla/BDSM], it's like speaking Martian to me.

What is this "vanilla" stuff and why is it such a problem?

 

[Dark_Thirst]

vanilla

Adjective form of vanilla:

slang for: ordinary or conventional (World English Dictionary).

In the world of sexual behavior this is sex in its most basic form, intercourse between a man and a woman for the need of procreation of the human race. Simply put: man insert penis here (and only here) to make a baby. Repeat often as necessary until pregnancy is achieved.

Makes Me glad I am Neapolitan!

 

[jaystew888]

Maybe I can shed some light on the discussion. First of all, I'm a straight vanilla who has researched BDSM for reasons I will get into later. I find that labels are useful, because without them, this conversation (and many others) would be impossible. I define my own vanilla-ness as being disinterested in the exploration of power in sex, either as a dom or a sub. Don't get me wrong, I do have my kinks. I LOVE pregnant women, I enjoying smacking that ass in the doggie position, and like pulling hair during a deep kiss. But let's face it, those are basically chocolate sprinkles on my vanilla, not a deep dedication to a lifestyle. Basically, I prefer a consensual agreement to stick Tab A into Slot B for mutual pleasure.

Now, as to why I speak the language: Well into our marriage and after the birth of our two kids, my wife began exploring her submissive side with a succession of doms behind my back. I researched the lifestyle, hoping to help her meet her needs. However, she realized that deep down, I would only ever be pretending to be a dom, which is not what she needs. She took a break, but started exploring again recently.

So here's my dilemna: The only way I have to really protect myself is to break the hearts of the two people I love most in the world. Secondly, I really do love my wife, stupid schmuck that I am. And here's the irony: I, the most vanilla guy in the world, am living a life of deep pain that a masochist could only dream of. Pretty funny, huh?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't find it that puzzling to understand. I think if vanilla and kink (or your choice of terminology) refers solely to sexual activities, then yes, I can understand why some might become confused when they notice people talking about divisions between the two, but both choices are about more than just sexual activity. There have been times when we have had to watch how we acted, what we said, whether I wore my collar etc., simply because to not be so conscious of these decisions could have huge repercussions.

Then there are also family and friends who are not into BDSM to consider, and what the outcome might be of slipping up around them. Living one way privately while having to work and socialise in a world which expects (and at times demands) the opposite can definately bring about a need to consciously divide and protect one from the other. Has nothing to do with novelty, nor attention seeking, just common sense and a desire to maintain a peaceful and stable life overall. Of course, if you are only online or discussing it on a forum, then no, there is probably not going to be too much concern for division or due care, hence might be why some do not understand why there is a difference for others.

As to considering being part of a vanilla relationship (as in so S/M or D/s) again, I can get that also. Nice as friends, but nope, I am sure enough about my identity and needs to not be fooled into thinking it might be OK to go back to and see what happens. Maybe it is an age thing in that I think life is too short to waste time on maybe's, what if's and repeating been there/done that's when there is an alternative to just go straight to what you need and want. Sometimes towmorrow doesn't come, so why waste today on something you already know from experience isn't for you?

Catalina