Defining Love

[69forever]

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What have you read that helped form your definition?
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Everything from studying different philosophy's, to poetry, to esoteric texts on spirituality. By expanding my definition of love, it has allowed it to deepen as well. If that makes sense.

 

[whspr]

I was sitting today thinking about love. I love myself...know that I'm a good person...have a great heart....and try to make everyone happy. Funny thing is....I can never really believe anyone could love me. Even when somone says they love me; I have to wonder if they are just trying to make me feel good.

I think the perfect love for me would be...affection, lust, an unconditional love, and romance all rolled into one. Hmmmm...
gotta wonder if that even exists.....

Kisses,
whspr

 

[TantaLiza]

To begin: What is your definition of love?
*Let's see... to begin with, I agree with the idea that there are different levels of love... family, friends and lovers. Each contain bits and pieces of the other but aren't quite the same... basic meaning to me is having that feelin of concern and giving everything you've got to help keep them happy, putting them first and hoping that they feel the same. I personally would give everything I could, even my life if necessary.

What experiences helped shape your definition?
*I learn thru watching those who experience love daily... good and bad, ups and downs... never ending cycles, ever changing world.

What have you read that helped form your definition?
*I have believed in every nuance of love since I could read... from the Bible to love stories... poetry to paintings... my only problem is finding it for myself other than family and friends.

Taking familial love as a given, what other forms of love can you identify? *Love of food, love of reading, love of excitement, love of life, love of cooking.... of course, many of these could just be considered passions depending on the way one looks at the definitions.

What are the limits on loving? Can we love more than one person at a time (again, all outside the category of familial love)?
*I believe the only limits are set by each person... for instance, I love my daughter's father. I'm not bitter that it really wasn't returned but I do have him to thank for her in my life and I would never want anything bad to happen to him. It all goes back to the "level" of love given to the people in your life...

What freedom do we gain through love? What constraints do we take on through love?
*A freedom I feel is gained by allowing one's self to love is just that... freedom to give and show your love in the knowledge that is returned whole heartedly. Constraints are impressed upon you by whomever you allow to guide your thoughts and actions... be it society or otherwise.

What is the difference between being in love and loving someone?
*This is something I experienced for the first time about two years ago. I took my love to a level that I'd never gone to before with anyone so I assumed it was true love. Thru extended time spent with said love, I learned there were many things that weren't acceptable in the "love" I felt.... I truly developed a love towards this person but he didn't follow thru on his end which in turn ended/killed the feelings I thought I'd identified. I truly loved and cared for him enough to send him away.... I knew I wasn't "in love" enough to accept all his habits, good or bad. It hurt me more than I've ever hurt before but I know it was the right thing to have done.... a learning experience that I can take with me on the path to true love.... one day, I hope to be "in love" but until then, I must be patient.

Hope this makes sense....

 

[1sexylady]

I was sitting today thinking about love. I love myself...know that I'm a good person...have a great heart....and try to make everyone happy. Funny thing is....I can never really believe anyone could love me. Even when somone says they love me; I have to wonder if they are just trying to make me feel good.

I think the perfect love for me would be...affection, lust, an unconditional love, and romance all rolled into one. Hmmmm...
gotta wonder if that even exists.....

Kisses,
whspr

whspr.... I did the same thing and I do love myself as well. I am a good person, I have heart, and I too try to make everyone happy...sometimes too much so. But that is me...

Sometimes I think when you look at love you think everyone has to see through the same window. Love is the opinion of what everyone thinks it is.

 

[69forever]

__________________________________________________

What are the limits on loving? Can we love more than one person at a time (again, all outside the category of familial love)?
_________________________________________________

I was thinking sinse last night on how to respond to this question, within the scope of my own experiences. I used to think it was possible, growing up in the late sixties and early seventies, with all the "free Love".

I should have learned the folly of it when I lost a very nice woman to those views, but did not. Then it happened again.

This time it was with a love, where we went our own ways, both got married and had kids, then decided to get back together again, no matter the cost. The turmoil and hurt it caused others is truly indescribable. The lies and cheating to be together and get together, were eventually our undoing. I lost both, and the respect and love of my children as well. Went into self-loathing mode and hid from intimate contact for almost ten years.

It is some sort of Utopian vision of being able to love everyone. Our species, genetics and yes hearts, need the security of that one mate being there for you. The Bond.

One more view on it, actually was listening to this tonight when I figured out how to answer. Indulge me for the lyrics...


Too Much Love Will Kill You

Queen

Words and music by Brian May, Frank Musker and Elizabeth Lamers

I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me
I'm far away from home
And I've been facing this alone
For much too long
I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In me tangled state of mind
I've been looking back to find
Where I went wrong

Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster
'cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time

I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems like there's no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine
Now all I ever do is bring you down
How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see that it's impossible to choose
No there's no making sense of it
Every way I go I'm bound to lose

Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you
Every time

Too much love will kill you
It'll make your life a lie
Yes, too much love will kill you
And you won't understand why
You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul
But here it comes again
Too much love will kill you
In the end...
In the end.


Peace.

 

[whspr]

whspr.... I did the same thing and I do love myself as well. I am a good person, I have heart, and I too try to make everyone happy...sometimes too much so. But that is me...

Sometimes I think when you look at love you think everyone has to see through the same window. Love is the opinion of what everyone thinks it is.

Somehow, I should have known that you would understand, Sexy Sis....

You are so right. We all see love in our own way. Long ago, I didn't think there was any way you could love more than one.
As my life goes on, I now know that isn't true. I've, also, learned
that we can't stop our heart from caring and loving, no matter the circumstances. Guess you just have to learn how to live with it.

whspr

 

[midwestyankee]

I was sitting today thinking about love. I love myself...know that I'm a good person...have a great heart....and try to make everyone happy. Funny thing is....I can never really believe anyone could love me. Even when somone says they love me; I have to wonder if they are just trying to make me feel good.

I think the perfect love for me would be...affection, lust, an unconditional love, and romance all rolled into one. Hmmmm...
gotta wonder if that even exists.....

Kisses,
whspr

Yes, whipr, there is such a love. You can find it by giving it. But first you must love yourself. More accurately, you must learn to recognize the ways that you love yourself, strenghthen them, and then find new ways to love yourself so that you are ready to give love fully.

 

[midwestyankee]

To begin: What is your definition of love?
*Let's see... to begin with, I agree with the idea that there are different levels of love... family, friends and lovers. Each contain bits and pieces of the other but aren't quite the same... basic meaning to me is having that feelin of concern and giving everything you've got to help keep them happy, putting them first and hoping that they feel the same. I personally would give everything I could, even my life if necessary.

What experiences helped shape your definition?
*I learn thru watching those who experience love daily... good and bad, ups and downs... never ending cycles, ever changing world.

What have you read that helped form your definition?
*I have believed in every nuance of love since I could read... from the Bible to love stories... poetry to paintings... my only problem is finding it for myself other than family and friends.

Taking familial love as a given, what other forms of love can you identify? *Love of food, love of reading, love of excitement, love of life, love of cooking.... of course, many of these could just be considered passions depending on the way one looks at the definitions.

What are the limits on loving? Can we love more than one person at a time (again, all outside the category of familial love)?
*I believe the only limits are set by each person... for instance, I love my daughter's father. I'm not bitter that it really wasn't returned but I do have him to thank for her in my life and I would never want anything bad to happen to him. It all goes back to the "level" of love given to the people in your life...

What freedom do we gain through love? What constraints do we take on through love?
*A freedom I feel is gained by allowing one's self to love is just that... freedom to give and show your love in the knowledge that is returned whole heartedly. Constraints are impressed upon you by whomever you allow to guide your thoughts and actions... be it society or otherwise.

What is the difference between being in love and loving someone?
*This is something I experienced for the first time about two years ago. I took my love to a level that I'd never gone to before with anyone so I assumed it was true love. Thru extended time spent with said love, I learned there were many things that weren't acceptable in the "love" I felt.... I truly developed a love towards this person but he didn't follow thru on his end which in turn ended/killed the feelings I thought I'd identified. I truly loved and cared for him enough to send him away.... I knew I wasn't "in love" enough to accept all his habits, good or bad. It hurt me more than I've ever hurt before but I know it was the right thing to have done.... a learning experience that I can take with me on the path to true love.... one day, I hope to be "in love" but until then, I must be patient.

Hope this makes sense....

Liza, it makes a great deal of sense. I especially liked this last paragraph because it opens the discussion to the other-directed aspect of love that I think many people ignore or don't know first-hand. So many confuse the feeling of "falling in love" with the acts of loving someone. What you did in sending your lover away was probably a loving act toward him since he needed to grow in ways that were incompatible with your place in your life at the time. But I also think it was a very loving act toward yourself because you gave yourself freedom from a relationship that would have been damaging to you in the long run.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

 

[whspr]

Yes, whipr, there is such a love. You can find it by giving it. But first you must love yourself. More accurately, you must learn to recognize the ways that you love yourself, strenghthen them, and then find new ways to love yourself so that you are ready to give love fully.

Oh, believe me, I DO give love fully. I give the kind of love I hope to receive someday. The love I've given comes from the depths of my soul. I wouldn't have it any other way.

whspr

 

[midwestyankee]

whspr.... I did the same thing and I do love myself as well. I am a good person, I have heart, and I too try to make everyone happy...sometimes too much so. But that is me...

Sometimes I think when you look at love you think everyone has to see through the same window. Love is the opinion of what everyone thinks it is.

I agree, 1sexylady, that love is a highly personal thing. We all grow and learn at different rates and are ready for more complex and challenging loves at different times. So what one person experiences as love will always be quite different from another's experience.

What all these different experiences of love have in common, I think, is that when we love we give to another unconditionally. That is the joy, the burden, and the freedom of love.

 

[TantaLiza]

Liza, it makes a great deal of sense. I especially liked this last paragraph because it opens the discussion to the other-directed aspect of love that I think many people ignore or don't know first-hand. So many confuse the feeling of "falling in love" with the acts of loving someone. What you did in sending your lover away was probably a loving act toward him since he needed to grow in ways that were incompatible with your place in your life at the time. But I also think it was a very loving act toward yourself because you gave yourself freedom from a relationship that would have been damaging to you in the long run.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

You're most welcome and thank you for giving me the outlet to share my thoughts and feelings....

Love can be a wonderful feeling.... I'm willing to wait...

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by midwestyankee
What all these different experiences of love have in common, I think, is that when we love we give to another unconditionally. That is the joy, the burden, and the freedom of love.

Really like that last sentence Yankee

 

[omahaman2]

I was sitting today thinking about love. I love myself...know that I'm a good person...have a great heart....and try to make everyone happy. Funny thing is....I can never really believe anyone could love me. Even when somone says they love me; I have to wonder if they are just trying to make me feel good.

I think the perfect love for me would be...affection, lust, an unconditional love, and romance all rolled into one. Hmmmm...
gotta wonder if that even exists.....

Kisses,
whspr

Dont ever give up my friends,
I discovered it does exist!!
I even found it here!!!

 

[midwestyankee]

Really like that last sentence Yankee

Thanks, WW.

 

[midwestyankee]

Already the response to this thread has exceeded my expectations. So many different experiences and ideas. It's fabulous.

Now it's my turn. I've left little suggestions in some of my posts about my definition and my beliefs about love, but now I am going to start what I hope will be an evolving process of explanation, questioning, reflection, and re-defining.

First, I believe very strongly that there is a fundamental difference between the state of "falling in love" and the state you are in when you are in a long-term loving relationship. That iniitial state you enter when you first discover someone, it seems to me, is rather self-centered. It is mostly about how we feel when we are in the presence of our new beloved or when we conjure up the beloved with our imagination. We may want the other to be happy, but the state is mostly about ourselves and our own feelings. We feel as if the world turns around the beloved and that the beloved can do no wrong. We overlook faults and overvalue strengths. The beloved is our knight in shining armor or the princess in the tower.

That initial state is necessary because loving requires a profound commitment. I think that if we really noticed all our beloved's faults early on, we might never choose to commit to anyone. At the same time, it can't last forever. This state is a fire that burns quickly; its fuel is finite. When we truly commit ourselves to another, this initial state gives way to a deeper one.

In this deeper state, we commit ourselves to the long-term emotional and spiritual growth of our beloved. In this state, we act out our love through daily actions of support and caring. While we still feel that our beloved is at the center of our world, our feelings are much more directed toward the beloved and less about ourselves.

We use the same words to describe both states most of the time, which leads to some confusion. We say we "love someone" from the very beginning. But initially that love is a set of feelings and only eventually does it grow to become a life of loving actions. We say we "are in love" with someone from the very beginning. At first, being in love means the feelings we hold. Over time, the phrase "in love" becomes shorthand for "I live my life in a loving way with someone."

This is just a beginning. I have more to say and will as I work my thoughts to a point of better clarity.

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by midwestyankee
Already the response to this thread has exceeded my expectations. So many different experiences and ideas. It's fabulous.

Now it's my turn. I've left little suggestions in some of my posts about my definition and my beliefs about love, but now I am going to start what I hope will be an evolving process of explanation, questioning, reflection, and re-defining.

First, I believe very strongly that there is a fundamental difference between the state of "falling in love" and the state you are in when you are in a long-term loving relationship. That iniitial state you enter when you first discover someone, it seems to me, is rather self-centered. It is mostly about how we feel when we are in the presence of our new beloved or when we conjure up the beloved with our imagination. We may want the other to be happy, but the state is mostly about ourselves and our own feelings. We feel as if the world turns around the beloved and that the beloved can do no wrong. We overlook faults and overvalue strengths. The beloved is our knight in shining armor or the princess in the tower.

That initial state is necessary because loving requires a profound commitment. I think that if we really noticed all our beloved's faults early on, we might never choose to commit to anyone. At the same time, it can't last forever. This state is a fire that burns quickly; its fuel is finite. When we truly commit ourselves to another, this initial state gives way to a deeper one.

In this deeper state, we commit ourselves to the long-term emotional and spiritual growth of our beloved. In this state, we act out our love through daily actions of support and caring. While we still feel that our beloved is at the center of our world, our feelings are much more directed toward the beloved and less about ourselves.

We use the same words to describe both states most of the time, which leads to some confusion. We say we "love someone" from the very beginning. But initially that love is a set of feelings and only eventually does it grow to become a life of loving actions. We say we "are in love" with someone from the very beginning. At first, being in love means the feelings we hold. Over time, the phrase "in love" becomes shorthand for "I live my life in a loving way with someone."

This is just a beginning. I have more to say and will as I work my thoughts to a point of better clarity.

Yankee...definitely agree there is a difference between the initial rush of falling in love and the longer term being in love. Wondering if this is part of the reason for society's serial monogamy...constantly trying to find that emotional high. Your comments about the initial stage of love being self centred are interesting. Never thought of it that way but your explanation makes sense.

Are you saying that over time as your relationship matures *ok that's my word/interpretation* that it becomes about acting in a loving way versus feeling love? Can't we do both? Just the way you 'feel' love is different than the initial rush.


btw your words touch me...'beloved'...and 'joy' from before. I have to start using 'joy' more often.

 

[midwestyankee]

Yankee...definitely agree there is a difference between the initial rush of falling in love and the longer term being in love. Wondering if this is part of the reason for society's serial monogamy...constantly trying to find that emotional high. Your comments about the initial stage of love being self centred are interesting. Never thought of it that way but your explanation makes sense.

Are you saying that over time as your relationship matures *ok that's my word/interpretation* that it becomes about acting in a loving way versus feeling love? Can't we do both? Just the way you 'feel' love is different than the initial rush.


btw your words touch me...'beloved'...and 'joy' from before. I have to start using 'joy' more often.

Actually, I just use the generic dish soap.

I would say that over time the chief characteristic of a loving relationship is the loving actions, not the feelings. The feelings continue, though in my experience they change and grow quite different over the years.

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by midwestyankee
Actually, I just use the generic dish soap.

I would say that over time the chief characteristic of a loving relationship is the loving actions, not the feelings. The feelings continue, though in my experience they change and grow quite different over the years.

Smart ass! You know what I meant...I feel it, just rarely use the word. Joy...it's a good thing.


Interesting...taking notes here....want to get it right the next time.

 

[Guest]

Smart ass! You know what I meant...I feel it, just rarely use the word. Joy...it's a good thing.


Interesting...taking notes here....want to get it right the next time.

I agree with Yankee. When the warm, fuzzy feelings go away, there's still that deeper emotional bond that you can't always "feel" but you know is there. That is displayed by actions and behavior more than feeling, at least IMO.

 

[Guest]

BTW, I LOVE your AV Wicked Woman

 

[midwestyankee]

Smart ass! You know what I meant...I feel it, just rarely use the word. Joy...it's a good thing.


Interesting...taking notes here....want to get it right the next time.

Me, a smartass? Whatever gave you that idea?

Joy is a rare thing in some lives and plentiful in others. I had to teach myself to be aware of it and to celebrate it.

When I let it into my consciousness, I can feel joy in nearly every breath.

 

[Ammo44]

Folks,

Can't we just ENJOY love? Is there really a need to dissect it ...ananlyze, etc.? I don't mean to trivialize it....but let's leave it as fun......special...for that person or persons to treat as their own. It seems so...scientific here now.

 

[Guest]

Well, for me, the best way to enjoy something, is to take it apart, and see how it works and why. That way, we know the best way to use it properly.

I hope that made sense lol

 

[TantaLiza]

I agree on the intial feelings of being "in love" and also how they continue to grow... things either get much better or the opposite way. We have to work on it cause it just doesn't happen on it's own...

I also agree on the disection thing... wanna know how things work and improve on them. That goes without saying in lots of aspects in life... ~smile~

That said... Bring on the love... I wanna feel it!!

 

[brinkeedinkee]

It's time to pose a few questions and open up a place for some serious discussion of an important topic: love.

To begin: What is your definition of love?

What experiences helped shape your definition?

What have you read that helped form your definition?

Taking familial love as a given, what other forms of love can you identify?

What are the limits on loving? Can we love more than one person at a time (again, all outside the category of familial love)?

What freedom do we gain through love? What constraints do we take on through love?

What is the difference between being in love and loving someone?

I guess that will do for starters.

My definition of love? I love so many ppl...being IN love with someone, connecting our hearts, are totally different. I've only been IN love once.
I cannot describe the difference, but in my heart, I know there is one. I don't need to be with this person EVER AGAIN to know that he/she was meant for me/me meant for him/her.
I see signs everyday that remind me of this person...and it pains me and makes me joyfull...

Brinky