Dear X

Dear internet:

I know the whole reading thing can be hard for you and I know thinking can be just as hard but we really need to talk. The English Language has lots of words. Pretty much a word for everything. Now there are some exceptions but you can essentially find the words for whatever you want to express.

Here's the thing, though, internet. Words mean things. Specific things. And while living language is a valid concept and descriptive language is a lot more common than prescriptive language these days there are limits, rules, standards. Get what I'm saying, internet? Now I don't claim to be the master of all things grammatical. You can find several mistakes and sloppy sentence structure within this very post. This is not a language arts site. I write in a casual and descriptive style here.

But words mean things. And though meanings change over time the current meanings of several words is not what you think it is. So please, internet, you have several free dictionaries and other means of having these things explained to you. You have no excuse.

So please learn the true meanings of the following words, memorize them, and start using them correctly or find another way to express yourself.

Hypocrite.
Clickbait.
Ironic.
Nostalgia.
Socialist.
Ghetto.
Censorship.
Nazi.

There are obviously many more but I think that's a good starting point.

Oh, and internet, "alot" is not a word. Please stop using it. Nor is "firstly." Also, "fucken" is not a thing. What you mean is "fuckin' " or "fucking." And "SJWs" and "feminists" are not trying to cut off your genitalia or take away your toys. It's okay. You're going to be just fine. You don't have to be so afraid of us. All we want you to do is don't be an asshole to people who don't deserve it. Fair enough? And finally please, please learn when to use an apostrophe and when not to use one.

Look, internet, we've had some good times together. You've taught me a lot and helped me meet some cool people. But this is an issue and it needs to be corrected for all our sakes. We can do better, internet. We'll talk about unboxing videos and your obsession with bacon some other time. For now, let's just focus on what should be the incredibly simple task of using words correctly.

Your constant resident for the last 20+ years, UrbanBohemian
 
Dear Obsessed with My Date Panties Litster,

Let's just say that the panties ended up on the floor at one point. Now whether that was at the end of the night when I was undressing for bed, or during some hot rough sex - well, that's above your pay grade ;)

Sincerely,

Litster dating in the Bluegrass State

Dear dating Litster,

I've heard of garments made of hemp, but out of dates??

Litster
 
Dear 20 year resident,

I was clicking the words in your post like crazy hoping the definitions were linked with them. :eek:

Sincerely,

A tad clicky and disappointed. :D
 
Dear SJW,

"I'm only prejudiced against one group of people; assholes. Unfortunately, there are more and more of them every day." George Carlin

Signed,

Comedically Quoting Litster
 
Dear inept manager (with a very loose use of that term),

When I submitted my project plan, I clarified that the timeline was VERY tight but doable. The timeline is tight because of YOUR delays on agreeing to scope, and because you delayed the deployment of the program. However, I'm not sure how me allocating 4 weeks to produce the cornerstone of the project translates into you thinking that I can suddenly produce it completely in the next 3 business days.

It was only icing on the cake that you decided to leave work for the day after sending me that email.

Signed,
Giving you the middle finger
 
Dear inept manager (with a very loose use of that term),

When I submitted my project plan, I clarified that the timeline was VERY tight but doable. The timeline is tight because of YOUR delays on agreeing to scope, and because you delayed the deployment of the program. However, I'm not sure how me allocating 4 weeks to produce the cornerstone of the project translates into you thinking that I can suddenly produce it completely in the next 3 business days.

It was only icing on the cake that you decided to leave work for the day after sending me that email.

Signed,
Giving you the middle finger

Dear Single Finger Saluter,

I know right? You say: OK, I can do project X, but I need A and B by date D. Then I will have it done by DD.

You get A, but only a little before DD, and only after you hound and pester them. And you never get B. And then on DD-1 they say, "so, will have that ready tomorrow?"

Fucking hell...I hate projects...

Signed,
Can I teach Sailing in the Keys?

Related:

Dear Request for Project Filing people.

You asked me about doing a project. I said sure, it will take a year, and cost X.
You balked and had it bid out.
Apparently you didn't find someone to do in 4 months for half the cost.
Now you've put out the RFP again. With a year long time line.
I hope you have the money. Because no one is going to do it on the cheap.

Signed,
If you had just listened to me in August, we'd be nearly done by now...
 
Last edited:
Dear equally annoyed,

I've learned that, the majority of the time, the higher they are in the organization the further their head is up their ass. It's a direct correlation, with few outliers. :rolleyes:

Signed,

Waiting it out while collecting my paychecks.
 
Dear Litsters Above Me,
Welcome to my world. And I work for the largest private employer in the country. But no one listens to me, it's not like I've been doing this since 1987....:rolleyes:

We call it WM math: X(time) x Y(people)= Z(results)

now take half of X and half of Y, yet still expect the same answer for Z :D
 
Dear Litsters Above Me,
Welcome to my world. And I work for the largest private employer in the country. But no one listens to me, it's not like I've been doing this since 1987....:rolleyes:

We call it WM math: X(time) x Y(people)= Z(results)

now take half of X and half of Y, yet still expect the same answer for Z :D
If you introduce variable S(salary), then X becomes infinite. :rolleyes:
 
If you introduce variable S(salary), then X becomes infinite. :rolleyes:

what is the S you speak of? We are a multibillion dollar corporation; we cannot be bothered to apply money to the problem. We expect free labor. But no O/T.
 
Dear Boobs,

If ya'll could stay where I put you, that would be great... Quit trying to escape the over the shoulder boulder holder.

The Jailer.
 
Dear Jailer Litster,

For some reason, Free Me by Roger Daltrey comes to mind.

Litster.
 
Dear You,

Yes...YOU.

Quit making me laugh so hard,
it's starting to hurt.

Your Smiling Friend
 
Dear SJW,

"I'm only prejudiced against one group of people; assholes. Unfortunately, there are more and more of them every day." George Carlin

Signed,

Comedically Quoting Litster

That's not prejudice. The root word of prejudice is "prejudge." If someone is an asshole that's a judgment you make based on things you've seen and/or heard from the person. Not liking someone for being an asshole is very different from not liking someone because they're gay or female or black or whatever. The latter is what I have a problem with.
 
Dear Boobs,

If ya'll could stay where I put you, that would be great... Quit trying to escape the over the shoulder boulder holder.

The Jailer.

Dear Jailer,

Who let the dogs out !!

Sincerely,

Feeling silly as she sings Litster
 
Dear Humorless Litster,

Although your race, creed, color, gender, or sexual orientation may be beyond your control, that doesn't automatically give you a free pass to act however you want or to get special treatment. Expecting THAT makes you an asshole. And using YOUR preconceptions to judge others makes you one too.

So take that stick out of your ass, and enjoy the show...***** will be so much easier for everyone.

Signed,

Dr. Smartass, PhD (yes, my degree is from a clown college, deal with it)
 
Dear Starbucks,

For the umpteenth time please stop giving me the cup with the leaky lid!!!

Either that or give me a bib!

Signed,
You make me look like a Venti Slob :rolleyes:
 
Dear Taint,

Help me understand. Compared to when my wife touches you, it doesn't feel nearly as good or sensitive as when I do. Is that because I look like I might have an aneurysm when trying to do so with a hard-on? Could it be because I always bring my fingers up to my nose, look around to make sure no one is watching me, and then sniff them? Who knew rubbing ones own taint had the same affect as tickling yourself.

Signed,

Taint hairs are fun to twist into a braid.
 
Dear Quiet:
I appreciate the way you have moved into my house; it's often a welcome change. And I appreciate the way you have been able to fill some of the hours. So, I'm wondering if maybe you'd like to come visit my mind, especially late at night.
The door's always open.
Useless noise
 
Dear Quiet:
I appreciate the way you have moved into my house; it's often a welcome change. And I appreciate the way you have been able to fill some of the hours. So, I'm wondering if maybe you'd like to come visit my mind, especially late at night.
The door's always open.
Useless noise

If it visits you, please send it my way...My mind is constantly moving and I need quiet...

Hugs sweetie...
 
Dear Garage Sale Customers,

If I have the item marked $15, please don't ask if I'll take $1. Fucking twats.

Signed,

Too old to be dealing with this shit.
 
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